The Riding Mill micro-climate triumphed once again as Mallards and Durham Staff enjoyed another beautiful summer evening whilst torrential downpours washed away several nearby villages.

A late change to the Mallards team saw elder statesman Hayward make his season’s debut in place of the absent Boyes, a late drop-out that brought cheers from those who like to see the score mentioned in match reports.

Skipper Wood again won the toss and chose to field as Mallards sought to claim victory in the three-match series, having won the first game on the last ball and lost the second game with a collapse only previously replicated by the Roman Empire.

The return of Browne brought some much-needed fire to the attack and he almost grabbed his regular first-ball wicket, a feathered edge just failing to carry to wicket-keeper Beacock. Nevertheless a very tight first over got things off to a good start. Dunhill also found his line and length immediately as Durham struggled to get the ball away, only reaching 14 after 4 overs.

The visitors skipper Swift, however, was beginning to find some form and managed to inject more urgency into the batting as a couple of boundaries pushed the score along to 31-0 from six overs.

Manfully standing up to the increased pressure both bowlers fought back strongly with Browne claiming the first wicket, clean bowling English for 9 to finish his four-over spell with 1-17 and the luckless Dunhill conceding only two runs from his final over to finish with 0-16. After 8 overs Durham were struggling a little on 35-1 as new bowlers Cox and Taylor took over.

The former immediately found some nice pace and bounce but Swift was now well into his stride and managed to strike three quick boundaries to retire on 31 not out. At the other end Taylor’s unique range of deliveries had more luck as the batsmen struggled to work out what was coming next and could only find three singles.

Cox, responding quickly to an unusually expensive first over, took the second wicket in his next over, bowling Wrede for 2 and Taylor completed his initial spell at the other end as the visitors scrambled to 58-2 from 12 overs.

Durham’s new batsman Bell introduced himself with a beautiful clip for 4 in Cox’s next over and a second boundary from McGuinness’s first over as Durham looked to accelerate.

Cox, who had beaten the batsmen on several occasions without finding an edge, completed another fine spell to finish with 1-25 but Bell’s ominous-looking form was confirmed in McGuinness’s next over as he hit the first six of the innings, just clearing the fielder, but not the cars, at cow corner.

Taylor returned to keep things tight at one end but the assault on McGuinness continued with two more boundaries as Durham moved through the gears to reach 105-2 from 18 overs with Bell retiring on an excellent 30.

Up to this point Mallards’ fielding had been very sharp, with little escaping the fielders, but the pressure began to tell as mis-fields and overthrows crept in, ten runs coming from Taylor’s final over as he finished with a very creditable 0-22 from his four.

In McGuinness’s final over more runs leaked away as another pair of boundaries saw Durham complete their 20 overs on a decent but far from daunting 128-2.

Steele and Wood reconvened as the opening combination for the home side hoping to continue their run of fifty partnerships, broken only by erratic team selection, and got things off to a brisk start as the erratic Costello sprayed the ball all over the place.

With some quick running and a range of byes and wides Mallards quickly amassed 19 from the first three overs. At the other end the left-armer Boothroyd was bowling very tightly but Costello’s waywardness counterbalanced this and the opener was withdrawn from the attack after his third over went for 12 runs and Mallards  advanced to 33-0 from five overs.

The introduction of Bell livened things up as he found plenty of pace and bounce but most of this benefited the home side as the batsmen nudged the ball into wide open spaces or the wicket-keeper failed to stop some fairly rapid deliveries and after seven overs the opening pair had moved things on very nicely to 49-0, well ahead of the required run rate.

The next over saw even more acceleration as two more boundaries saw Steele and Wood claim their third opening fifty partnership and the score climb rapidly to 60 from just eight overs. Sadly, it also saw the demise of Steele, bowled by Boothroyd for an excellent 23.

Butcher came to the wicket to recreate the same opening three who began the previous win against the same opponents and started in brisk fashion with a crisp boundary. Unfortunately a pair of quick singles saw the newcomer tweak a hamstring and, wisely unwilling to risk the certain carnage of carrying on with a runner, he took one for the team, retiring hurt on 6.

This brought Buckley to the crease looking to build on his recent run of high scores (for Genetics!) and he and Wood kept things ticking over as Mallards reached a formidable 70-1 from 10 overs with just 59 required from the final ten for victory. Regular readers will know that this is no guarantee of success.

Meanwhile the left-armer Boothroyd had been replaced by the left-armer Boothroyd, who claimed to be the slightly taller twin of the opening bowler. This claim was ratified when he unveiled a much-longer run-up and a much brisker pace to further unsettle the hapless wicket-keeper as the byes mounted and the score reached 81-1 from 12.

The introduction of Metcalfe, however, did have the desired effect for the visitors as he highlighted the benefits of simple line and length and finally captured the wicket of Wood, well caught at fly slip for 20.

This brought Hayward to the crease for his first knock of the season, a brief visit as a combination of Boothroyd 2 and umpire Dunhill sent him quickly back to the pavilion lbw for 0. Seasoned Mallards watchers shuddered – would this be the start of another classic batting collapse?

As Cox joined Buckley at the crease the scoring rate slowed as they settled in and with Metcalfe continuing to bowl very tightly Mallards crept towards their target, reaching just 92-3 from 15 overs, still needing 37 for victory from the final five overs.

The pressure on the fielders, however, was also mounting and four overthrows, forced by Buckley’s quick single, and a crisp boundary from Cox only increased this as both batsmen began to find their form, to take 12 runs from Boothroyd number two’s final over. Metcalfe then finished his spell, an outstanding 1-13 from four overs, and an increasingly desperate Durham brought back the quickfire Bell for another spell.

Unfortunately for the visitors the introduction of pace again misfired as Cox, in particular, tucked in, two fine boundaries easing the home side towards their target as the returning paceman’s over went for fourteen runs.

With Mallards now sitting pretty on 124-3 from 18 overs, needing just five for victory, Durham skipper Swift gamely brought himself on to try and stem the tide but it was to no avail, four runs were swiftly added to bring the scores level before Cox drove the winning boundary to give Mallards victory by seven wickets with eight balls to spare.

Cox finished on a terrific 23 not out with Buckley adding a well-judged 17 not out as a very solid all-round team effort secured a well-deserved win and clinched a 2-1 triumph in the three-match series. Astute observers noted that the only defeat in the series came during a certain Mr Cleaver’s brief sojourn to England!

A full turn-out of both teams at the Wellington saw much celebrating from the home side and much potato eating from the visitors as the surprisingly lovely summer evening continued long into the night.

Following recent match reports I was going to begin this week by comparing the night’s events to the rise of right-leaning political parties in mainland Europe combined with an analysis of how this can be linked to Keynesian monetary policies but frankly I couldn’t be arsed, so…

A very pleasant summer’s evening saw Mallards make the trip to Burnmoor to take on a surprisingly youthful Architects side. Skipper Wood lost the toss for the first time this season and the home side chose to bat first. The home side opted not to have a retiring score for batsmen, normally an ominous sign!

The omens looked even worse when Dunhill’s opening over went for 10 runs, with two casually stroked fours flying across a lightning-quick outfield but thankfully both Dunhill and the other opening bowler Page soon tightened their grip, backed up by some sharp fielding to put a break on the scoring as only seven runs came from the next two overs.

Page was the first to strike as the dangerous Fenwick was given out lbw, much to the surprise of most of the players, especially the batsman, as the ball appeared to strike him high on the thigh pad. Taking advantage of this umpiring gift, Mallards managed to keep a hold on the scoring and after six overs Architects had reached 28-1.

The home team moved up a gear with the other opener, the left-handed Cox, leading a charmed life as several mishits fell into space and the next two overs saw a spate of boundaries as the opening bowlers finished their respective spells with Dunill ending on 0-22 and Page 1-19. The latter’s figures would have been improved but for a rare drop from Dickinson, who from then on looked intent on making an impact.

Scott and McGuiness took over with the latter striking immediately with his first ball, trapping Clinton lbw for 15, a more obvious decision than the first one but one that saw a rapid removal of the home umpire!  Scott was less fortunate from the other end and after two overs was replaced by Cox, who hit his mark immediately, Dickinson making up for his drop with a solid catch at mid-off.

Loach, meanwhile was pushing the scoring rate on with some good running and after 14 overs the home side had reached a respectable 84-3. Dickinson, still seemingly intent on compensating for his earlier error, struck again in the following over, running out the home captain Robinson with a direct hit. The umpire, taking evasive action, failed to give the decision but very sportingly Robinson accepted his fate and walked.

McGuiness finished his spell with steady figures of 1-23 but Scott’s return saw a rapid acceleration as Loach and newcomer Harkin picked off three boundaries to move the home side on to 121-4 from 18 and continued their attack, taking 10 off Cox’s final over (1-22 from 4) to leave on 131 with one over left.

Skipper Wood brought himself on to bowl the final over and managed to stem the tide a little, clean-bowling Loach as Architects finished on a decent but not decisive 137-5.

A new opening partnership of Hall and Heslop took to the field for Mallards but didn’t exactly gel as Hall perished in the first over, bowled for 0 to bring Dickinson to the crease a little earlier than hoped for. With Heslop struggling to pierce the infield the scoreboard was rather stationary and after three overs Mallards were struggling on 8-1.

Dickinson, however, was beginning to find his range and in the fourth over found a pair of boundaries to get things moving. He followed this with a huge six over the boundary wall in the next over as Mallards moved back into contention at 27-1 from five overs.

That, however, was the high point as Dickinson fell lbw in the following over for 23, Buckley was caught for 0 top-edging a pull in the next and, to complete three wickets in three overs, Heslop was caught in the eighth over as Mallards slumped to 37-4.

This left Wood and Cox at the wicket, but their attempt to resurrect the innings was cut short as Wood was harshly given out lbw to Robinson for 0 as the visitors crawled to 38-5 at the halfway stage.

Scott joined Cox at the crease but soon found himself back in the pavilion caught for 0 as Robinson struck again, McGuiness followed in the next over, bowled for 1 and Mallards again lost a third wicket in three overs as Cox, who had chipped away manfully for 14,  was bowled by Robinson, the bowler finishing his four-over spell with figures of 3-6.

Mallards batting had yet again subsided dramatically, a worryingly regular occurrence recently, seven wickets falling for 23 runs in 11 overs to leave them well adrift on 50-8 from 16 overs.

Beacock, struggling with the bat this season, soon perished for 1 and the innings came to its seemingly inevitable end when Page was run out in the final over as Dunhill at least tried to push the score along to leave Mallards all out for a measly 60,  77 runs short of the home side.

Beer in the clubhouse bar was of course a compensation and some very nice chips were provided by the opposition to restore spirits but with the decider against Durham coming up next week a drastic improvement in the batting department is somewhat urgently needed.

First an apology: In my last report I suggested that Riding Mill’s wicket was more “Vaughan Williams than Def Leppard.” I appreciate now that this was highly misleading but then there was more to Vaughan Williams than met the eye: More of that later.

Following his disappointments the previous week, retired Professor and clinically diagnosed loon, Jack Bodell had managed to slip his carers and nip to ASDA where they had an excellent deal on a 3 times zoom compact camera for thirty quid. Perfect, he thought to capture the God particle from sixty yards.

Sadly for him, his carers were waiting outside the ground on Tuesday night and captured him. He was dragged back to his care home for an evening watching his “Best of Professor Brian Cox  DVD box set”. He missed the cricket and the World Cup but he was at least in safe hands.

Back at the ground the weather on the day was very much nagging just short of a length with heavy rain in the morning followed but a weighty shower at the start of play: the sort of “shall we? Shan’t we play?” type. Thankfully both sides were tough enough to take what the weather decided to throw at them.

The pitch, which has proved far harder and firmer than the perceived “Vaughan Williams” stood up to the deluge well with the odd ball still rising sharply off a length: but then Vaughan Williams liked nothing more than smacking an electric guitar in the privacy of his own home on the cellar floor. He could be just as fiery as the Riding Mill pitch. Indeed, late in life, after a night of heavy cheese consumption, the stodgy old composer experienced a night of disturbed and surreal dreams. Inspired by these he formed his own heavy metal band called “The Double Gloucesters”: There was nothing he liked to see more than a Lark Ascending sharply off a length.

Mallards won the toss and put Sparta in but faced using a very slippery ball. Sorry I should use the plural because the first was sacrificed to the neighbouring field during their innings.

It all started so well with Steve Hunt and Andy Dunhill keeping it tight for the first couple of overs. The final ball of Steve’s second over was thumped for four and this turned out to be a prelude to a series of decisive smacks to the boundary punctuated by a few respectful defensive shots. Both Andy and Steve bowled well even though the slippery ball was difficult to control. Their eight overs cost fifty seven for no wicket with the best hope of removing the batsmen being retirements on thirty which duly followed when Gibbs and Pentland replaced Rushton and North and the scoring rate slowed briefly.

It wasn’t long before Dave Cox and Srinath Perera were receiving similar treatment to the opening bowlers. Pentland was going particularly well and Srinath found controlling the slippery ball particularly tricky. Reward appeared to finally be coming Srinath’s way when Pentland, just short of his thirty lofted a drive to long on that was right down Alan Boyes’ throat. His hands gratefully accepted the gift with about as much softness as a golf ball bouncing off concrete from a great height. The chance was spilled but after just one smacked boundary later Pentland retired.

After sixteen overs the score had reached 126 for no wicket. Captain Stig turned to Glen Steele to stem the flow and chose to bowl the remaining two overs himself. The first two overs yielded more runs but Glen’s second over turned out to be the highlight of the day for Mallards. First he clean bowled Gibbs and then, Alan Boyes caught Pearson next ball to redeem his earlier drop. Next ball Cuthbert was caught behind with Pete standing up to the wicket: A most unlikely hat-trick and one to savour for Glen.

Unfortunately Stig final offer went for a few as Sparta finished on an imposing 153 for 3: well that’s what the scorebook said.

It was left to Steve Kent and Alan Boyes to open facing this imposing target but all went well for the first few overs with Alan quietly accumulating runs and Steve scoring more quickly. Both consciously picked out the volunteer Mallard fielders, filling in for Sparta, who were two men short. Despite some confused running by both openers there were few alarms as Steve soon reached his thirty. This brought hat-trick hero Glen to the crease. Alan, so often the cause of mayhem between the wickets got a taste of his own medicine as Glen called him for a sharp single. He could have shouted “no” but instead set off whilst blurting out an expletive before being run out.

At this point the momentum went out of the innings as Tony Jordan, in next, found it hard to make contact between bat and ball and Glen was uncharacteristically clean bowled for two. Tony fell soon afterwards for one and was closely followed by Pete for the same score, leaving the Mallards hopelessly adrift on sixty for four in the twelfth over. There was no realistic way back from there though Dave Cox certainly upped the scoring rate with some fine straight hitting, ably supported by Stig. With the score on ninety-nine from seventeen overs, Stig fell, caught by Gibbs off North for six. Dave soon retired leaving Steve and Srinath to play out the last couple of overs against Sparta’s best bowlers, with no real hope of getting close. They survived to reach 115, thirty-eight short of Sparta’s score.

Spirits rose at the Duke of Wellington with another fine serving of roasties and the breaking news of Brazil’s capitulation.

The evening that started in heavy rain ended bathed in warm, mellow summer sun light and chirruping birdsong echoing across the valley in a scene of transcendent, serene tranquility: Sounds like we’re back to Vaughan Williams. Why, you may wonder have so few heard of his heavy metal band then? Simple: they were shit.

Ah Summer, just the word conjures up happy memories…holidays, no school for months, beer gardens, beaches, beer gardens and beaches.  I think I need to branch out a bit on my summer activities.  What Summer gives us though is the chance to play some cricket, yes, for those 3 glorious weeks of the year, spread out from May to September, the whites can be washed and dried on the line, the outfield can quicken and we can head to our favourite summer retreat, Riding Mill.

 In glorious sunshine (the radio reported it to be 27° as I was driving along, it wasn’t, it was 18°) the mighty Mallards, fresh from the victory against the Old Firm, facing Tony Jordan’s Ovington Kestrels.

Captain Stig lost the toss and Ovington decided to bat first, in temperatures that the radio must have by now been comparing to the Atacama Desert.  20 overs of swashbuckling cricket was about to start, but the lack of 3G coverage at Riding Mill meant we couldn’t watch the T20 Bash on Sky Go, so our game started instead.

For the final time this season, Tony Cleaver opened the bowling, with the Ovington openers being Ali Hall and Dave McGuiness.  So, for the first time this game, we have a Mallard bowling to two Mallards players, more of this to come later, it gets farcical.  Tony got through his first over, with only a wide and a single coming off it.  He seemed to get back into his fielding position rather  quickly, and could be seen shuffling around in the outfield, at closer glance I could swear this resembled the scene in the Shawshank Redemption as Tim Robbins empties the contents of his pockets down his trouser leg.  Presumably Tony was getting rid of any unsold ‘goods’ before returning to Columbia, the bosses do not accept poor sales, even in a recession.

Dave Cox took the new (ish) ball from the Sunshine End, and immediately hit his straps, bowling some great stuff, with the ball nipping through to Beacock at a good pace.  Hall did manage to knock a well timed drive through the covers for four though, having kept the strike from the first over.

Cleaver to McGuiness then, Mallard et Mallard, Tony started with a wide, the wily old fox, keeping the batsman guessing.  It didn’t quite go to plan as the next delivery went for four.  However, as the old saying in Columbia goes “Juemadre” (Google it, it’s quite appropriate), Tony kept his cool and sent down the perfect delivery, swinging back in and clipping the top-of-off, textbook stuff, and McGuiness was on his way back for 4 [wondering if he really should start working on that forward defensive shot – Ed.].

A decent start by Mallards, with only 12 runs coming of the first four overs.  The dismissal of McGuiness brought Ball to the crease, who after nurdling his first few scoring shots around began to play his shots, and play them well.  Cleaver and Cox continued to bowl well, but with little reward, as the new partnership gathered some pace, coming into the 7^th over, the score has pushed on to 38.  But of course Cleaver, now in his final over of the season, had something to say about this, bowling the dangerous Hall for 15, gracias senor, gracias.

Ball continued to play well, timing to some great shots of Cox’s final over for a 6 and a 4, and taking a liking to new bowler Perera, swiftly reaching 31 to retire (despite a retirement of 25 being agreed at the toss!).  Terry and Ball Jnr were now at the crease, and whilst Terry was happy to knock it around take singles, Ball Jnr was a little more extravagant, launching the following in four consecutive balls 6-4-4-6……show off.

Scott came on at the Sunshine End to replace Cox, and for some reason was managing to find some swing, shaping the ball away from the batsman…….the crease…..and the wicket keeper, with 3 wides off his first over and another of his second.  Perera’s struggles continued at the other end, with sun in the eyes of the bowler, and some big hitting from the batsman a recipe for disaster. Captain Stig had his thinking cap on.  Ball Jnr followed Ball Snr in retiring on 31, bringing P Terry to the crease.  At this point I will explain that the Ovington Team contains a Hall, Ball, Ball, Terry, Terry.

Stig’s sharp captaincy meant that Scott was switched to the one tree end, and Jonny Bennett came on from the Sunshine End.  This worked straight away, with P Terry trapped LBW first ball of the over, umpire Taylor taking an eternity to give the decision, but making the right one in the end.

With Jordan replacing Terry, Scott began his two overs from the Field End, again with an immediate impact, trapping Jordan LBW and then in his fourth over removing Jones LBW and M Terry Bowled, his 4 overs going for 12 runs and 3 wickets, all hail captain Stig.

By now the run rate had slowed dramatically, after being on 106 after 13 overs, Mallards had kept them to 124 as the last over began.  The two batsman you ask?  That would be Colin Haylock and Andy Dunhill, told you this gets farcical, but stay with me, it gets even better.  Haylock requested a “4 and a 1” from Dunhill in the previous over, who duly delivered, before the innings closed on 126 [allegations of match fixing and spot betting manipulation were made by Cox – disappointed that he hadn’t been included in the cabal – Ed.].

Kent and Boyes opened for Mallards, whilst Dunhill opened for Ovington (??), Kent pulling the first ball of the innings for four.  Mallards went about the run chase calmly, keeping the score ticking over but finding boundaries difficult.  Terry bowling some tidy stuff from the Sunshine End and removing Boyes for 2.  Dunhill was replaced after 2 overs by McGuiness, who bowled some good stuff, including a wicket maiden that removed Kent for 18, clean bowled.  Terry bowled though his 4 overs with no further wickets, going for 15 runs, and was replaced by Haylock.  Was this meant was that SEVEN of the first THIRTEEN overs had been bowled by Mallards.  This is surely a new record?

By now, Buckley and Cox were at the crease, with the game in the balance as we reached 44 off 10 overs, at this stage Ovington were 83.  “We just need a few good overs” came the expert punditry from Bennett on the boundary, Atherton and Lloyd have nothing to worry about.  However, this pundit proved to be spot on, with a few good overs arriving, Cox displaying some supreme timing and striking to race his way to retirement with 32.  Buckley and new batsman Stig continued to keep up the scoring rate, with Stig hitting the ball with some power and Buckley using good timing to find the boundaries more and more.  After being on 44 after 10 overs, Mallards, were 108 after 16.

By now Buckley had retired on 31 and Bennett was at the crease, trying to work out how he could be on strike to hit the winning runs.  He had been joined by Perera, after Stig was bowled for 19, off the bowling of Dunhill, who had come on the time from the Sunshine End to finish off his spell, the treacherous dog.  J Ball replaced Dunhill, and given that he looked a very very decent bowler, Bennett knew what to do, as an experienced player, pinch a quick single and get down to the other end as fast as possible to calmly enjoy the evening sun from the safety of the non-strikers end.  The meant that the unfortunate Perera ended up facing Ball with the need to keep up the scoring crucial.  A tough ask.  Ball had him caught behind for 0.

Beacock and Bennett at the crease, two overs left, 8 runs needed.  The score had been helped along by a disastrous over from Jones from an Ovington perspective, going for 18 runs at a crucial stage in the game.  Haylock stepped to up to bowl his last, and the 19^th over of the game.  And what an over, only a single and a wide coming from it, with Colin bowling a great line and length to contain the batsman.

Into the last, 6 to win, Ball bowling from the Sunshine End.  Single off the first from Bennett, single of the third from Beacock, 4 to win from 3 balls.  Ball send down a short pitched ball that Bennett is able to pull away behind square for four.  Game Over. Phew.

A really good game of cricket, with everyone getting a chance to contribute with either bat or ball, and a good run chase coming down to last over.

A good send off to Tony for another year, Tony it’s been fantastic to play cricket with you again this Summer, we all wish you a safe trip back to Colombia, where the atmosphere must be electric given their World Cup performances, looking forward to next year.

A good turn out in The Wellington saw us receive some well earned Roasties and Gravy, just the job.

Finally, I will be adding a Man of the Match to my match reports.  And this is a difficult one.  Cox & Buckley both retired, Bennett for the winning runs and some tidy bowling?  Captain Stig for sticking with his game plan and getting the rewards?  Tony Cleaver for two wickets on his last appearance this year?  Decisions, Decisions…..

Man of the Match: C Scott (match reporter)

When former Lancashire and England fast bowler, Professor Ken Higgs accepted his Oscar in 2012 for discovering the “Higgs Boson” or “God particle” he was quick to give the credit to others saying that he was simply part of a team. True; it was he who had first discovered the said particle just behind short square leg against Sussex in 1963. It was a day of double celebration as his four wickets helped skittle Sussex out for just 156 that day. He failed, however, to mention the first true visionary; Jack Bodell, Oxford Professor of Advanced Physics had long wished to prove the theory correct but, despairing of a lack of investment, decided to carry out his own “Heath Robinson” experiments.

He reasoned that the furious bombarding of particles required to identify the “boson” could be replicated by aggressive punching in the boxing ring. For years the Professor learned the trade, eventually becoming British Heavyweight champion by outpointing Joe Bugner in 1971. His theories about the “God Particle” came crashing down, however, when he was knocked out by Danny McAlinden in the following year, seemingly proving that neither God nor the aforementioned particle existed.

Unbowed and unrepentant, the determined Professor retired to Cern where he worked with the team on the Large Hadron Collider. Here, at last, evidence for the particle was found. Still the Professor demanded firmer, more tangible proof. Satisfied that boxing couldn’t provide the evidence he chanced upon reports that one sport and one sporting club had all the ingredients to reproduce the God particle. The intense impact of leather on pitch, skull, hand or even bat could be, he thought, just the thing to reproduce and prove the existence of the aforementioned particle.  All he needed was a team of finally honed athletes and a concrete like pitch from which a ball could ping batsmen’s helmets.

Word got to the eminent professor that the Mallards and Riding Mill cricket ground held all the ingredients he was looking for, so he rushed to the ground to find some conclusive evidence once and for all. Don’t ask me who fed him that dud information.

The excitement of anticipation was instantly popped when he arrived at the ground to see these finally honed athletes warming up for their latest encounter: Some with greying temples – the younger ones that is. This rustic idyll hardly looked the place for a concerted barrage of chin music.

Still hopeful with a chilled breeze and a cold porridge sky above, the eminent professor sat down to watch the match, at least hopeful that a hard and fiery pitch might help provide the evidence he sought. After the first few balls had been bowled he was seized by a severe gruntle deficiency as it became clear that even the pitch wasn’t going to help. In musical terms the pitch was a “Vaughan Williams” not a “Def Leppard”. “Unless someone bowls a fast beamer my evening’s been wasted.” He mused.

Whilst the gruntle free professor sat in the far corner of the ground the two friendly teams gathered for yet another most civilised and agreeable encounter. Hardly the stuff of particle bombardment but welcome break from our collective jobs: an escape.

Riding Mill were put in to bat by, captain for the night, Stig. No Highland Games tossing the bat merriment to decide this time: just a double sided coin. Things began steadily enough with both Tony Cleaver and Andy Dunhill, sporting a fetching bandana, keeping a tight line. Tony was gifted the first wicket when his long hop was thumped down Dave McGuinness’ throat in the third over. Tony followed this up with an LBW for the other opener making it 34 for 2 after 7 overs. Andy bowled Drake, with the most uncharacteristic piece of bodyline, with the ball ricocheting onto the stumps off the batsman. The eminent professor’s interest was raised but still no sign of the aforementioned particle making an appearance. The Mallards were taking control. Colin Haylock soon followed with the fourth, bowling Greensit, leaving the score at 43 for 4 after 11 overs.

This brought the feared and formidable guardian of the ground, Mr Nitsch, and he was in no mood to do his old team mates any favours. His bribe to the umpires was to pay dividends as he held the latter part of the inning together with the help of first Walker (12) then Marks (21 not out). They managed to up the scoring rate and comfortably pass 100. All the bowlers kept things generally tight but the odd over was punished. Peter eventually fell to a run out for 30: the retirement score. It was later revealed that he’d reached 31, leaving him feeling aggrieved though this failed to take account of his two clear [not given – Ed.] run outs and a possible stumping along the way [and not forgetting a feathered edge to the keeper that also was denied by the umpire – Ed.]. A special mention for the fielder: Gareth who managed hit the stumps from an angle that left only one stump to aim for.

Riding Mill finished on a respectable 114 for 6 in their twenty overs. Gareth and Srinath’s figures took some stick late without bowling badly. Dave Cox’s 4 overs, 1 for 12 had tied Riding Mill down prior to the late flourish and ensured a total that was probably below par for the wicket.

And so, after some recent batting traumas it was the Mallards turn to attempt some rehabilitation on this generally welcoming surface: Harton and Westoe this was not. Things started brightly as Alan Boyes dabbed two cultured boundaries in the second over only to spoil it by running himself out in the next over [to a direct hit from the fielder who had 2 stumps to aim at – Ed.]. This only brought Dave McGuinness (pictured) to the wicket to build a characteristically grinding and attritional knock. He took time to weigh up the bowlers and the pace of the pitch by hitting his first two balls for a slightly top edged six to backward square then a four.  Glen offered solid support as Dave slowed a little from his initial strike rate of 500. Glen (22) and Dave (21) fell in quick succession but by then the score was already 63 in the eighth over.

This brought the two Mark’s – Stig and Buckley together: not literally, of course. Mark Buckley took his time to get his eye in after a bad run of form, whilst Stig kept the innings together. The scoring rate slowed as the swishing of Stigs bat reached velocities sufficient to cause a sonic boom that could be heard at the boundary but Mark did manage a few lusty blows including a six and four fours before bizarrely being caught and bowled on 29.

His departure only brought Dave Cox to the crease: clearly very thirsty and in need of some pub food polished the game off with a four-six flourish to win the game with sixteen balls to spare. The last blow was so fierce that the eminent professor swore he could see the impact spark the Higgs Bosun but his camera was on the blink and he was sat too far away for his flash gun to pick the moment up anyway. Setting his little compact on super macro mode for a subject over sixty yards away was a daft idea as well.

No matter: science’s loss was cricket’s gain as the Mallards had positively cruised to a comfortable win with six wickets to spare.

So for Professor Bodell and both teams; no aforementioned particles but a trip to the Duke of Wellington with real ale and only the finest sun dried chips, pies and onion rings, which more than made up for the disappointment and capped a wonderful evening.

This match report is brought to you by the numbers 0, 5 and 12. Also the letter O.

On the evening where the Test Match at Headingley went down to the penultimate ball and the England football team once again embarrassed themselves, two mighty teams faced each other on a rather not-so-mighty wicket (more of that later).

The two skippers agreed on the usual friendly rules and as is the Mallards’ skipper’s tradition, Buckley lost the toss (this one done with an actual coin) and Mallards were put into bat. This despite Buckley’s best (or probably worst) efforts at reverse psychology in trying to get Yog to choose batting. Yog knew what he was doing though!!

Opening with a brand new opening partnership of McGuinness and McChlery who manfully agreed to strap on the pads first, they stepped out into the unknown and became the first victims of a rather awful pitch. On a wicket with less bounce than a concrete football the first 4 overs amassed a grand total of 4 runs, all to McGuinness. Unfortunately, it also brought about 1 wicket, McChlery who, after blocking out 10 balls in almost textbook manner, went after a delivery and top-edged to be caught in the covers by young Saif. This brought Beacock (pictured) to the wicket and both he and McGuinness hit a boundary each before McGuiness fell in the 7^th over when he was bowled by the bowling of Hamza. This was a case of 3^rd time unlucky as McGuinness had been dropped twice in his innings of 12. In came Nitsch and then out went Nitsch (from the bowling of Thomson) as he was given out lbw by the umpire – Tony “Trigger Finger” Cleaver – despite Nitsch being only about 3 foot in front of the umpire when the ball hit him! This brought Buckley to the wicket who has been rather naff with the bat this season for Mallards. Neither he nor Beacock could get the ball away due to the extremely low and slow bounce being offered from the bowling of Gill and Saif and this eventually led to Beacock losing his patience (yes, you read that correctly!) and tried to swing but missed and the ball hit middle stump from the bowling of Gill.

Perera came to the wicket and the runs still came VERY slowly. When they did come Buckley had to give up running a 3 as it would’ve ended up with him lapping Perera. As Buckley did not know the rules when it came to lapping your batting partner he decided against it. Perera eventually went when he was run out by a mis-throw from Dinak. Taylor joined Buckley at the wicket before Buckley was eventually bowled by Umar – going for a ball that landed halfway down the wicket and bounced so high it hit the bottom of middle stump. Taylor was then joined by Scott and soon after Scutt after a mix-up in calls had led to the run out of Scott. So as Scott was replaced by Scutt, so Scutt was soon bowled by Gill for 1 on the last ball of the innings leaving Mallards with a score of 46. Top scorers were McGuinness and Buckley on 12, followed by extras on 11, then Beacock and Taylor 5 (the latter not out).

Still, the aim of the match had been reached in surpassing the score of 45 against Durham Staff the week before. Buckley nearly asked Davipart to let the game end there. Unfortunately, they decided to bat and, never having defended a total of 46 before, skipper Buckley was expecting to be in the bar after only 5 overs. However, a very concerted effort by all Mallardians was given in the field. Both Cleaver (3 overs, 0 for 9) and Dunhill shared the opening overs and, having umpired for the majority of the Mallards innings, knew what to do. Pitch it up and in line with the stumps. This they did very well indeed.  Dunhill was unlucky to see McGuinness drop a very difficult chance given by D Rawlley Jnr at deep mid-on when on nought. At the other end,  Scholes (no, not that one) was putting the ball into the air a lot but finding space away from fielders until he decided to advance down the wicket to Nitsch, who had replaced Dunhill (3 overs, 0 for 8), and missed the ball giving Beacock with a straightforward stumping. Could the unthinkable happen? Well, no, but some very good bowling from Scott (3 overs, 0 for 6) and Nitsch (3 overs, 1 for 13) prolonged the game into the 13^th over. Perera came on with the Davipart score at 42 and despite some decent line and length was unfortunately hit for 2 fours meaning that the game came to an end with the last ball of the 13^th over and Davipart ending on 50-1.

So, after 33 overs of cricket a grand total of 96 runs were scored.  Slightly different to the 324 runs scored a few weeks ago in the match against Ovingham and this game didn’t even have 9 men fielding on the boundary for 5 overs!!!

Although defeated, a grand effort all round by Mallards on a very difficult pitch and a large amount of crisps had in the bar after the game. Always a nice way to end an evening!