Age: Laughingly scouted as part of Mallards youth recruitment drive
Specialisms: Swoop fielding, forgetting his shoes
Profile: Dave is a relatively recent recruit to the Mallards squad, now in his second season. When asked at his first appearance what he did the answer was “I can stand in the field” but he has proved to be surprisingly adept at all aspects of the game. With Mallards these things are all relative of course. Dave has taken over as fixtures secretary this season so if you find yourself standing in a field on your own, in the middle of Northumberland, wondering where everyone is, it’s probably his fault. Or you’re a solitary dogger.
Favourite Colour: Pinky russet
Nickname: Big Mac (something to do with his box apparently)
Age: He was a grumpy old man at the age of 14 and has seen no reason to change
Specialisms: Line-and-length bowling. Wearing the same manky Pakistan sweatshirt for the last 20 years. Not giving wides.
Profile: Andy’s role in Last of The Summer Wine restricted his appearances for a while but since the sad demise of the much-loved series he has been available more often. Recently removed as fixtures secretary for trying to play every game at Riding Mill, which, coincidentally, is where he lives.
Profile: Not your typical Mallard as he can bat and field well and until recent shoulder problems could bowl effectively too. Also untypical in that he is the only Mallard to regularly appear at games with a female companion
Favourite Colour: Blonde (or possibly Brunette)
Nickname: Sadly this is a family club so can’t publish it but if you take a bit of his surname and preface it with ‘Big’ you’ll get the picture (though you might regret it)
Specialisms: Building an innings. Quizzical looks at the umpire. Travelodges.
Profile: Mark’s love of theatre means that he seldom needs prompting to take on more than one role so he not only adds ballast to the batting but often acts as an understudy wicketkeeper. His inner drama queen means that he’s never short of a word of encouragement in the field.
Specialisms: Quick bowling, sometimes erratic, often deadly. Swearing.
Profile: A relative newcomer to cricket when he joined Mallards a handful of years ago, Tom is now the main strike bowler for the team, combining sharp movement, uncertain control and some choice language to great effect. Also has an honorary role as vice-vice-captain though a brief spell as tour drinks monitor was ended after a hostile takeover bid.
Specialisms: Quick bowling, elegant batting (an unlikely combination for Mallards but he’s new so give it time)
Profile: Mallards token overseas star recruited at no expense whatsoever from New Zealand via Riding Mill. Dave is unusual in that he can bat, bowl and field with distinction so we have made him joint vice captain to try and stop him from leaving. If that doesn’t work we’ll tell Pete Nitsch where he lives.
Profile: Recently lead a coup to take over the captaincy though given his patchy record when standing in that may be turn out to be a false dawn. Watch this space. At least he doesn’t have to take the kitbag home every week to make sure he’s selected. Currently swotting up on what you’re supposed to call that fielding position at cow corner.
Age: If you want to borrow his bus pass you only have to ask
Specialisms: Spin bowling, Number 11 batsmen
Profile: Since the semi-retirement of Tony Cleaver, Colin has risen to become not only a regular opening bowler but the team’s elder statesman, which in this team is very ‘elder’ indeed. When not playing for Mallards, Colin has somehow found time to star in a well-known American sitcom
Age: We’re checking the Domesday Book to confirm this
Specialisms: Opening Bowler, Fielding with his shins
Profile: Tony was the team’s main strike bowler until in desperation to escape he decamped to Colombia in search of a higher grade form of entertainment, if you know what I mean (don’t publish this until our lawyers have checked it!) Rumour has it he will be returning for a handful of games this summer so watch this space. Hopefully he won’t be repeating his famous dance routine from the legendary Majorca tour – see above
Age: As young as he looks (so not that young actually)
Specialisms: Wicket-keeping, Maintaining his Average
Profile: Peter is the team’s main glovesman, operating with a consistency that defies his creaking limbs. His batting style is definitely in the Boycottian sphere but when that square cut gets going…
