The year moves on, and with August comes the first El Classico of 2017. Enough has been written in previous year’s reports about the gravitas the Jon Rob matches carry, so I’ll not waste too much time on it here. Suffice it to say that one or two Geneticists were at the ground so early they were still striking their tents when I arrived.

Varying, often contradictory, predictions were offered about the weather prospects for the evening, but any fears proved groundless as the last of the grey clouds disappeared as the teams gradually assembled with none of the usual squabbling about who should have the Home dressing room. More pressing was the deciphering of the team selections, I’m not sure the eventual result matched any of the pre-game line-ups but who really cares.

Being so late with this report I can’t remember who won the toss, but for the sake of a good story let’s just agree that Stig did, chose to bowl, and move on. Taylor (D) and Hamid started things off for the Genetics, with Taylor not in any mood to mess around. Four overs later, with the score already at 40, Taylor retired on a sublime 32 which included six fours. At the other end, Hamid was trying to keep up but couldn’t find that same timing.

Things looked a bit ominous at this stage as the typically destructive Bennett strode out with purpose. Mallards needed a little something to help pull the game back their way a bit, and it came in not at all controversial circumstances as Bennett top-edged a legside full toss off Watson which was well caught on the fine leg boundary by Dunhill. This brought a bit of respite for the opening bowlers, Watson (3-0-18-1) and Dunhill (3-0-24-0), who were able to finish their spells in relative peace.

A bowling change brought another wicket as Hamid was bowled off Mexter’s second ball for 7. Mexter (2-0-4-1) and Bateman (2-0-16-0) fought to put us in front for the first time in the game, but Genetics’ number four Airey was going well and keeping things in the balance. Together with Jordon the score progressed through to 72/2 in the 13th over before Jordon was caught by Buckley off the bowling of Haylock (3-0-8-1) for 2.

Bowling well from the other end, Stone (3-0-12-1) picked up the wicket of Van Doorn for two, a sharp catch by Mussett in the covers. So by the time bowlers 5 and 6 had finished their spells, the score was 85/4 after 16 and we were in a decent position. Stig was still ringing the bowling changes as McCaffery and Mussett were brought on for the death overs.

McCaffery struck with his first ball (another excellent change, Skip) to end a strong innings from Airey (22), caught by Watson. McCaffery (2-0-13-2) struck again a couple of balls later, bowling Heslop for a duck. Numbers 8 and 9, Wisbach and Mitcheson looked to build a late rearguard action, before Mussett (2-0-8-1) had Wisbach caught by McCaffery for 10. The innings came to a close on 106/7 after 20 overs, definitely chaseable, but there were too many experienced Mallards out there for anyone to start getting carried away.

After a quick turnaround, Mussett and the newly promoted Bateman made their way to the middle and got stuck in at a frantic pace. At 19/0 after two overs and 32/0 after four, we were actually behind Genetics rate of scoring. However the openers powered on through with a wonderful display of strokeplay. No mercy was shown to the opening bowlers, Taylor (B) (3-0-27-0) and Mitcheson (3-0-28-0), as the ball disappeared to all corners.

At 59/0 after 6, Bateman won the race to retirement, his 34 containing two fours and three sixes. Mussett 6-4-4 in the next (and Wisbach’s first) over to join his opening partner in the shed, his innings of 33 containing six fours and a six, as well as a solitary single and a lonesome two. The score was now 74/0 after 7 and several people on both sides were struggling somewhat to come to terms with what they’d just seen.

The burden of closing the game out was passed to McCaffery (16*) and Buckley (1*) as Genetics skipper Taylor (B) fought to find a breakthrough. Wisbach (2-0-19-0), Hamid (2-0-12-0) and Airey (0.2-0-5-0) were tried but the damage had been done. MCC needed just 10.2 overs to close out a storming 10 wicket win, probably the strongest performance I can think of in 5 or so seasons of Mallard-hood.

The return fixture is just a few short days away and Genetics will no doubt be out for blood. I for one, can’t wait.

All the late-19^th Century accoutrements were in place for a trip down memory lane in Sunday’s very friendly game against Belmont CC at Beamish Museum:  portly men in waistcoats, bowler hats, exuberant whiskers and very leisurely fielding – all authenticated by those doughty survivors of the WG Grace era, Messrs Stone and Cleaver.

The rules were explained several times before the slower members of the team grasped the full details: Twenty overs a side, two overs per bowler, two-pace run-ups, no lbws, no pads for the batsmen and 25 and out – aside from the pads pretty much business as usual for seasoned Mallards.

In a move of sheer recklessness McCaffery was made captain for the day and winning the toss he elected to field first. Belmont began steadily in the face of some decent bowling from Cleaver and Thompson, the only early incident of note being Taylor’s attempt to catch the ball with his back, being more interested in chatting up the scorer than facing the play. After four overs Belmont were 22-0.

Things began to get more interesting with the introduction of Cox and Stone, the latter one of the many bowlers who had to make little change to his normal run up. While Cox bowled very tightly, Stone’s first over went for ten runs but to compensate he also claimed the first wicket, bowling Smith for 12. His second was a perfect replica, ten more runs and the second wicket to fall, Monaghan bowled for 11 and after 8 overs Belmont were 49-2.

The game fell into a steady pattern then as the batting team kept the score around six an over as Latif and Butcher bowled steadily without much luck and after 12 overs the score had reached 76-2.  McCaffery decided that an intervention was necessary and his self-introduction brought immediate dividends when the newly-christened ‘Safe Hands’ Cleaver pouched a catch in the covers, cleverly using his groin as a pouch.  Sadly his new nickname was instantly removed when he spilled a chance in the very next over from the unlucky Taylor, who also saw the skipper narrowly fail to cling on to a diving catch in the deep.  Nevertheless, Taylor returned the impressive figures of 0-9 from his two overs, the skipper taking 1-14. Belmont were now 99-3 from 16 overs.  Not content with bowling well, Taylor, resplendent in a salmon pink waistcoat (see above) then donned the keeper’s gloves to allow Wood to bowl a couple of overs to finish off the innings in combination with the deadly duo of Green Senior and Junior. Things remained tight with Belmont mainly scoring in singles and after 20 overs their innings ended on 123-3 – an eminently gettable score. Special mention should be given to Thomson, whose energetic fielding helped to keep the score down to manageable proportions.

Cox and Taylor opened the batting for Mallards and progressed serenely for eight overs, adding 41 runs in the process before Taylor was finally run out for 18. Thomson followed quickly for 1 before Cox retired for an excellent 27.

By now the rain had started and the combination of that and the break-up of the indoor balls being used made it difficult to score quickly, the ball taking up most of the properties of a bathroom sponge. The skipper’s attempts to push the score on quickly ended when he was caught for 7 and Cleaver also perished early on, caught behind for 4.  Latif, meanwhile, had progressed steadily and things began to pick up when he was joined by Butcher, who immediately carved out a couple of fierce boundaries to take the score to 91-4 from 17 overs – 43 required from 3 overs to win.

Unfortunately the partnership was removed in quick order when Latif was bowled for 17 and in the following over  Butcher retired hurt with a strained thigh. The loss of wickets had also seen the run rate dry up, leaving new batsmen Stone and Wood requiring 21 from the final over for victory. Stone swung and missed a couple of times before finally connecting and being caught for 3 leaving Green and Wood to see off the last couple of balls as Mallards finished on 108-6, losing by 15 runs.

A splendid tea of cucumber sandwiches and Pimms was followed by a trip to the Sun Inn for ale and pork pies. Sadly, though the ambience was pure 19^th century the prices were not.

Socrates was a thoughtful sort of chap. Not for him the ‘bash it and scamper’ philosophy…when he was wielding the willow he would often pause, mid-stroke, just to admire the sheer poetry of movement of the ball across the greensward. Similarly, whilst bowling, he did not opt to fling the cherry with indecent haste at the opposing batsman, but would rather choose to weave magic and mystery with seam or spin. The Athenian master was, of course, one of the founding members of the Mallards who instilled in his followers the notion that ‘the game is the thing’. No mad scramble to win at all costs: what do you gain if you lose your soul in the pursuit of fickle glory?

The Socratic example inspired his fellows – contemporaries such as Aristotle, Cleaver, Stone, Pythagoras, Porteous, McCaffrey, Beacock et al, – to practice the summer game with the same sobriety. When the Mallards took the field against Riding Mill on Tuesday, 25 July, they were determined to show these untutored country folk the right sort of spirit in which to play.

It took a couple of wides before Cleaver’s limbs were persuaded of the Socratic philosophy but thereafter this opening metaphysician bowled with commendable discipline. It would have been, naturally, far too vulgar to actually take any wickets in his four-over spell but he finished by holding down the opposition to a meagre 13 runs. At the other end, newly-appointed captain Mexter – he of almost the same distinguished vintage as the Athenian elite aforementioned – asked the Wellington hotel landlord Ruecroft to step up to the crease. An interesting choice. (It should be mentioned in dispatches at this point that Tom Browne had stoically chosen to fall on his sword and restrict his participation to that of the scorebook, thus allowing this unseen-before publican to take his place in the line-up.) Ruecroft loped athletically into the fray and promptly took two wickets – Mahmood for 4 and Zurwalen for a duck – at the expense of 16 runs. This rather rash performance brought Jaidup to the crease who, in due course, was to set about flailing the ball to all quarters. Entertainment now became the dominant characteristic of the contest. Mussett bowled with startling variation – mostly fast and short – in contrast to Hamid, fast and long. Beakers plunged to and fro like a frantic salmon whilst Green must surely qualify for the swoop-fielding award by chasing after one long shot and putting in an impressive final dive, determined to prevent the ball from slowing down before it reached the boundary. Thanks to this, Jaidup retired not out on 32; Hamid finished his four overs with 1 for 27 and Musset was replaced after 3, taking 1 for 24. Stone and Mexter were to finish the attack, this a determined display of how the Mallardian philosophical school deal with adversity. Stone opted for mystique in sending down missiles of North Korean obscurity. He finished with 3 overs, no wickets for 25. Mexter dispatched deceptive, hooping deliveries that removed the dangerous Horner (28) and so finished after 2 overs with 1 wicket for 10 runs. Riding Mill meanwhile had amassed 127 in total, which included a generous 26 extras.

Mallards’ openers Porteous and McCaffrey were not intimidated by such a target. They duly flourished their weapons as Socrates would have applauded. Style and sophistication was the hallmark of their stand against the Riding Mill quickies, Zurwalew and Suraj. True, whilst Porteous collected a series of cultured singles, McCaffrey struck, on occasions, somewhat less elegant swipes to the boundary. He was finally undone on 28 by Mayfield, whereas Porteous retired on 30, not out. There continued no uncouth race to pile up runs. Musset batted with disdain until, 11 runs to the good, he spooned one up in the air to see if the opposition could catch it. They could. Ruecroft came in, hit two with an overhead forehand and was then promptly bowled by Khalid next ball. Latif and Green were next to face. The latter, of swoop fielding distinction, decided to run, slide and dive for everything, whether there was bat involved or not. Latif, meanwhile took the philosophical option, waving his bat majestically until bowled by Hall for 3. Hamid took up the strike in the last over, scoring one before Green, having failed to do so before, ran himself out on the last ball. He scored four. The Mallards reached a grand total of 87 and duly congratulated themselves in the Wellington on having sternly resisted the urge to chase false idols and had instead chosen to uphold the finest principles of metaphysical discourse. Cheers! The proper spirits were duly consumed.

On a pleasant evening at Riding Mill Mallards and Durham Staff met for the second instalment of their annual battle with Mallards keen to get revenge for the earlier defeat at Maiden Castle.

Captain Stig won the toss and elected to bat, a decision that despite a slowish start, 4 for none off 2, was soon vindicated as the score sped to 50 off 7 overs mainly thanks to some crisp striking by Mussett who retired (as usual) on 31, ably supported by Kent. McCaffrey was next in but despite his  best efforts to keep the momentum going, fell for 1 somehow contriving to be bowled behind his legs by Nathan, something he was unable to explain to the incoming Butcher!

Kent fell next trying to accelerate the run rate,  caught off the bowling of Root (not that one!) for a fine 24, and Butcher played his usual mix of misses, blocks, very very late cuts(not edges!) and occasional half decent shots before becoming becalmed against some tight bowling from Boothroyd and lost his patience and his off stump trying to knock the ball in to Stocksfield, falling for 19 with the score on 91 for 3 at the start of the 14^th over.

This soon became 95 for 5 as both Holland and Beacock fell (very) cheaply,  Beacock being particularly unlucky, playing on having got the full face of the bat on ball to give Root (no, not that one) his 2^nd wicket. Latif joined Nitsch at the crease who had been previously happy to knock the ball around for 1s and 2s before reverting back to type and launching a huge 6 in to the adjacent footy pitch. Latif looked like another shrewd acquisition by former Skipper Wood as he showed some good technique and a straight bat to hit a series of singles and a nice 4 before being a casualty of the late push for runs, run out for 11. Bateman fell swinging, bowled by Boothroyd, leaving Browne to fend off the last ball leaving Nitsch unbeaten at the other end on 17, with Mallards finishing on a respectable  120 for 7 off their allotted 20 overs.

The evergreen Tony Cleaver opened the bowling for Mallards having done the same for Durham against Mallards in the first game and was clearly keen to banish any thoughts of a nomination for the friendly fire award for that performance by bowling even better than he had done at Maiden Castle, going for just 1 in his first and completing a wicket maiden in his second by bowling Hopkins.

Browne struggled to find his form from the One Tree End and was soon replaced by Bateman who together with TC bowled nicely to keep the runs down, so by the time TC had bowled Gillespie in his last over to finish with an excellent 2 for 12 off 4, Durham had crawled to 32 for 2 off 8 (keen readers will remember Mallards were 50 for 0 off 7).  Mussett took up where Cleaver had left off and went for just 2 in his first over.  Bateman’s figures took a bit of a dent in his last but he still finished with a respectable 0 for 20 off 4.  Mussett then took some stick in his second (not helped by 4 overthrows!) to leave Durham 62 for 2 off 11.

Having impressed with the bat Latif then took over from Bateman and bowled tidily going for 10 off his 2 overs. Mussett responded well to his 2nd over by bowling Wreak in his 3^rd with a rapid yorker and finished with 1 for 25 off 4. After 15 overs Durham had reached 86 for 3 in comparison to Mallards 95 for 5 at the same stage so advantage Mallards, however the (much) younger legs of Powell and Root (him again!) who were now at the crease proved decisive as they stole quick singles, turned ones into twos and also found the boundary on occasion, so despite Nitsch’s and the returning Browne’s best efforts the scores were level after 18.4 overs, Root  having (finally!) retired on 30. Browne managed to take the game in to the last over by getting Whitfield ‘strangled’ down the legside off his 2^nd ball, much to the batsman’s disgust as he claimed he was nowhere near it despite both umpires(from Durham) hearing a nick! Nitsch was left with the unenviable task of having to bowl a maiden in the last over for a tie but Powell managed to pierce the fielding ring to win the game and  rubbed salt in to the wounds by running an unnecessary 3 to reach his 30!

A 6-wicket win for Durham sounds comfortable but in truth it was a close game and a commendable effort by an aging or should I say maturing Mallards side who by my reckoning were on average at least 15 years older than our Durham counterparts. As always the game was played in a great spirit and a healthy contingent from both sides rounded off the evening in traditional style down the Welly where news of the impending start of a new barmaid soon replaced any talk of the evenings cricket!

Sometimes, games with Mallards live long in the memory and sometimes they’re best to be forgotten almost immediately. This game can be listed in the category of the former (which is probably why it’s taken so long to get this match report written up [I’ll casually gloss over the fact that I’d completely volunteered to write it!!])

The Heaton Medicals Ground is an absolute joy of a ground – a secluded idyll of greenery protected from the hordes of drunken, promiscuous (lucky bastards), ne’er-do-well students who are slowly taking over the suburb of Heaton gutter by gutter, by a large wooden fence, high trees and thick shrubbery. It’s a pity we don’t play here more but, unfortunately, we don’t have a DUP-sized pot of money available to help bribe the groundsman – sorry, I mean, form an arrangement where we have confidence in the groundsman and he’ll supply us with a good wicket.

Anyway, on to the game. The skipper for tonight’s game, Mark Buckley, arrived just before 6pm armed with his piece of paper that had the names of the squad written on it and who was going to do what (in theory). Winning the toss (with a coin of his own as the Sparta skipper couldn’t be arsed to go and get one of his own), Buxom put Sparta in to bat as he was feeling sorry for them in that they only had 9 players. Opening with the young whipper-snappers Tony “Trigger-Finger” Cleaver and Andy “Make mine a packet of 20” Dunhill, the game was all set to become a classic, where people will be saying in years to come  “I was there”, “I bought the dvd” and “who was playing again?”.

Sparta opened with D Douglas and S Gibb, DD showing Trigger-Finger respect by blocking the first over for a maiden. Gibb wasn’t so capable in the 2^nd over as he was removed 2^nd ball by Dunhill for the good-ol’ leg-before! More plumb than a capable plumber who was feeling particularly plumbish that day. Anyway, this brought G Nelson to the wicket and we were to settle into a particular rhythm for this batsman who tended to flat-bat the ball to long-on. Kenty gave Buxom the heads-up about this but, being ever so supportive of his bowlers, the skipper gave Dunhill the chance to show what he could do. Unfortunately, almost immediately, Dunners presented the batsman with a rank long-hop which was duly despatched to the long-on boundary arc. Reticent to adjust the field (even with Kenty giving Buxom a look portraying “I told you so”) after a bad ball being given the treatment it duly deserved, the Skip kept the field as it was. When the next 4 was despatched to the same place off a perfectly fine ball from Dunhill, Buxom conceded and set the field accordingly. This was to prove very beneficial during the Sparta innings. Both TF and Dunners toiled away admirably against DD and Kiss Me Hardy by keeping the boundaries limited and they finished with 4-1-22-0 and 4-0-22-1 respectively. The change of bowlers brought a slight loosening of the shoulders for the 2 batsmen with Wisbach getting particularly rough treatment from the batsmen. Watson was slightly meaner with his bowling and the only 4 that came from his bowling was when Buxom literally jumped out of the way of a shot heading at high speed towards his shins (the Skip is using the fact that he’s running the Great North Run this year for charity as a valid excuse for protecting his shins – still doesn’t excuse the fact he didn’t react quick enough to use his hands!!). However, Nelson quickly retired back to port with an impressive 31 not out whilst DD followed not long after for 34 (after hitting a 4 so really should have retired 4 runs earlier!!) and this brought Spratt and Mattock to the wicket. Buxom replaced Watson after 2 overs to bring on Hamid from the pavilion end to add a bit of pace to the attack towards the end of the innings. Going for 6 runs off his first 2 overs plus a few byes, it helped stem Sparta’s run-rate and, with Wisbach valiantly toiling away at the other end, he eventually got his reward when Spratt skied a shot that was caught by Kenty at short mid-off. Spratt was gone for 14 and Stu finished with figures of 4-0-31-1 – a great effort. Watson was brought back on to replace Wisbach and add the end of his first over of his 2^nd spell, was rewarded with the stumping of Mattock for 9 after some great glove work from Beakers behind the sticks. With S Foulds and J Ellis now at the crease for Sparta, some great bowling from both Watson and Hamid kept the scores down. Hamid got a wicket in his last over when Buxom took a rather splendid catch low down at cover (pretty much what he should have done off Watson’s bowling) to remove Ellis and Watson was unlucky in his last over going for 10 runs. Watson finished with 4-0-26-1 and Hamid 4-0-12-1.

It must also be said that it was a fantastic effort from the entire team with great fielding, willingness to move positions for different batsmen, chasing down the ball to prevent boundaries and tolerating a skipper who was, in a way, making it up as he went along!! Everyone should be rightly proud of their role.

The Mallards’ innings began with Kenty and Harry Singh opening for us. We were confident of a good 50+ partnership for these 2 so when, after a couple of boundaries, Harry was removed for 8 off the bowling of Langley, there was a slight air of disappointment. Being offered great support from the stands (well, the bench just behind the boundary) by messrs Rob Wilson and Captain Stig, the positivity was there and in went Mr Wisbach at number 3. After a nice little shot for 4, Stu was removed after being clean-bowled by Ellis with a ball that pitched on leg and hit off-stump. You can do nothing about those type of deliveries!

This brought in Chris Lucas to support Kenty who’d been building up an impressive innings and he eventually retired for 32 which brought Buxom to the crease. After a slow start and seeing Mr Lucas removed, clean-bowled by Ellis, for a duck, Hamid joined Buxom at the crease and the run-rate picked up again with some boundaries and good, quick running between the wickets which put the pressure on the Sparta team. After Hamid was removed for 9 after being clean-bowled by Spratt, Buxom was joined at the crease by Si Holland, who was to provide some fabulous support!

It must be said that during the time that the Skip was batting, he was also asking people to swap over and field for Sparta (to bring their numbers up to ten) as well as getting the umpires changed over. A big thank you to Tony, Si, Chris Lucas and Mr Watson for fielding for Sparta – very good of you!

Anyway, back to the batting, Buxom and Holland put together a good little stand with a good mixture of boundaries (including a 4 for Holland!!) and little ones and twos, with Buxom basically shouting at Mr Holland what to do. To be fair, he more than capably held his own and did what he was told very well!! They also had to contend with a little strop for the Sparta skipper who took umbridge at Harry calling wides when he said he let loads like that go. Harry got the calls right because if Buxom can’t reach them, then they’ve got to be fairly wide. Whilst their skipper was mouthing off and about to start his run-up, Buxom just walked away and refused to face the bowling as it was not in the spirit of the game and gave their skipper a minute to calm down. Thanked by the wicket-keeper and slip fielder for doing that, Buxom then ensured that he kept his wicket.

When Buxom retired for 33, Beacock came to the wicket under the strict instruction from the Skip as their paths crossed to “swing at everything and run like there’s no tomorrow! To be fair to Beakers, that’s what he did and even though he was bowled by Nelson for just 2, he’d followed the instructions to the letter!! Watson joined Holland at the crease and things were getting very close now. We were down to the last 2 overs and we had Tony and Dunhill padded up. It was then that Mr Holland hit a fabulous 4 off Spratt straight back down the ground that was received with a loud roar from the watching Mallards. At the end of the 18^th over, we were on 113 chasing down the 118 set by Sparta. We then saw a great combo of Mr Holland and Watson close out the innings by getting the required runs and we actually scored the winning runs from a no-ball and a good bit of running off that no-ball too.

MALLARDS HAD WON!!

So, in summary, fabulous bowling from Cleaver, Dunhill, Wisbach, Watson and Hamid was more than ably supported by a great fielding display from the whole team. The batting was mightily impressive too with good running between the wickets keeping the pressure on the fielding team and pushing them into mistakes. In the end, a more than well-deserved win for Mallards. Well done everyone.

For several season Mallards CC has been like one of those 40-something MILFs you see hanging around in World Headquarters, desperately needing an injection of youth before they forget what their equipment is for. Whilst the will and the knowledge of what’s required has been there, the energy, vim and vigour has been sadly lacking. But not any more.

This season the Mallards Cougar Club have found the young blood they needed and the change has been remarkable, renewed energy, running power and stamina abound – possibly due to the extensive pre-match exercise routines the youngsters have insisted upon – see pic above.

The regeneration has not been without a downside, a certain inconsistency of performance, occasional lapses in concentration and some difficulty in holding a bat whilst desperately clinging on to their latest I-phone, but overall the experiment has succeeded, the fielding improved immeasurably and less discussion in the bar afterwards about the merits of poor to middling 1970s soft rock acts.

Unfortunately others have noted this success and aimed to match it, not least Excelsior Batters, an always friendly, well-matched, school-based opponent who last night took advantage of a greater access to such youth by fielding several fresh-faced six-formers.

Captain Butcher, winning the toss, decided to copy last week’s winning tactic of putting the opposition in and chasing – a decision that bore early fruit when the skipper himself pouched yet another catch for his portfolio, Ali trying to over-hit a good-length ball from Galloway.

Sadly, one of the perils of youth appears to be an inability to keep a good scorebook so details of partnerships, falls of wickets and scores after each over in the first innings will be purely imaginary. Maybe we should look at introducing the use of an ‘App.’

The other opener, Haggie, was unfortunately quick to get into his stride, taking particular advantage of anything near his legs and regularly peppering the pavilion boundary. New batsman and opposition skipper Krishnan also began well and the score began to creep up – let’s say 30-1 after six overs for want of anything actually written down.

Both the opening bowlers, Browne and Gilloway had started well but both suffered a little in their final overs, as 20-odd runs were added before, from the latter’s final ball, Krishnan aimed a shot in the general direction of the moon.  Wood, at a short mid-off, stared up at the increasing rainfall, waited patiently, checked his watch, had a chat about Existentialism with Lucas at point, smoked an imaginary cigarette and then, eventually, when the ball broke back through the earth’s atmosphere pouched the catch, leaving the opposition on 50-2ish after 8 overs. At this point the rain seemed to get even worse and both sides trooped off for a five-minute break.

On their return, skipper Butcher, showing the wisdom of his age, ignored the desires of some of his ageing bowling options and stuck to the younger brigade, calling forward Thompson and Gibbons and the latter struck in his first over, bowling Jobling for 6.  At the other end Haggie had continued to bat well and at some unmentioned point retired for 30.

Thompson, after a slow start, found his groove and put a brake on the scoring rate, conceding just six runs from his second and third overs before Gibbons struck again, bowling a beauty which bounced and jagged back in to clean bowl Barrett for 9 leaving Excelsior on approximately 85-4 from 14 overs.

Unfortunately, this brought a new, younger batsman to the crease in Mir and he played fluently from the off, crashing two fours from Gibbons’ last over, despite which the bowler finished with a fine 2-22 from his four overs, Thompson finishing with a very decent 0-19 from his four.

Finally the veterans got their chance as Mexter and Nitsch were brought on to finish the innings. Mexter looked to have struck in his first over when Bodley carved the ball high in the air towards a nearby rainbow. Wood, again, waited calmly as the ball returned to earth and again pouched the ball – then dropped it. Any suggestions that the torrential rain had reduced the ball to a bar of soap were, like some of the scoring stats, purely imaginary.

Fortunately the drop didn’t prove too costly as two balls later a terrific piece of fielding by Gibbons and the quick reactions of bowler Mexter ran Bodley out for 9 – credit should go to the batsman for his super-sporting gesture of accepting the run out with the umpire nowhere to be seen (an umpiring lesson that Gibbons should have taken notes from – see later). At the other end, though, Mir had continued to press on and somewhere around this point he retired on 31.  Nitsch and Mexter finished things off well though, restricting the batsmen to singles in the last two overs as Excelsior finished on 124-5 – normally a par score but, given the conditions, probably better than it sounds.

Hall and Wisbach led the Mallards response but their desire for a fast start was thwarted by opening bowler Glenwright who began with two maiden overs.  Realising the need to up the pace, Hall managed to find a boundary at the other end but in attempting to find another was undone by a very low bounce and bowled for five in the fourth over. Wood joined the fray with Mallards already behind the required rate on 10-1 from 4 overs.

Wisbach was the next to go, chasing down a second run and, according to the square leg umpire, Gibbons, coming up slightly short.  One of the perils of youth is not to have developed the various excuses you can make up for not giving your team-mates out (the sun was in my eyes, one of the fielders blocked my view, sorry I was looking at my phone etc). Wisbach, to his credit, gave a brief nod of disappointment before wearily trudging back to the pavilion bringing skipper Butcher to join Wood with the score on 11-2 in the fifth over.

By this time the rain had stopped but the pitch had been reduced to a bit of a quagmire with sawdust all over the bowlers’ run-ups and deep holes around the batting crease. Batting was a bit of a lottery and, at first, the new pair struggled to move the score on and after 8 overs Mallards were way behind the rate on just 22-2, needing 103 from the final 12 overs.

Inspired by the energy of their youthful colleagues and the opposing outfielders they decided to step things up by running for everything. Suddenly the score began to mount as dots became ones, ones became twos, and twos became threes. Several pounds were shed and a heart consultant put on standby but it began to work. After 12 overs the score had reached 53-2 – even the introduction of the Friendly Fire nominee Dunhill failing to slow things down.  By now both batsmen were panting like the afore-mentioned MILF might have dreamed of but ignoring doctor’s advice they continued to charge up and down, even adding an occasional boundary. A further 23 runs came in the next three overs as victory changed from an impossibility to a remote possibility and then to a mere possibility.  Sadly, having added 61 in 8 overs, the pair were both soon to depart, Wood, caught by the keeper for a gallant 29 and Butcher retiring on a splendid 31 just a few balls later – a partnership of 66 having kept the game alive. Both batsmen then went for a long lie down.

Still, however, a nigh-impossible 42 was needed from 4 overs for victory. Excelsior had a last trick up their sleeve and brought back the two opening bowlers for our new batsmen, Nitsch and Lucas to face. With the light fading, and the pitch treacherous, it proved a mountain too high. Both batsmen swung hard but mostly missed, Lucas bowled by Glenwright and new batsman Mexter, being run out without facing a ball as Nitsch tried forlornly to match the running method of earlier.  Gibbons came in and hit a couple of good shots without reward as the innings finally came to a halt on 106-5, an honourable defeat by 18 runs.

A splendid turn out at the Wellington by both teams saw the many youngsters listening in awe at the feet of their elders as their veteran colleagues regaled them with tales of yore, of dinosaurs, dragons and highwaymen, trenchfoot, steam trains, black and white TV and Amstrad computers. A fine time was had by all, obviously.

Days of monsoon-like rain and a lack of opposition may have led to lesser teams spending the night in front of the telly but not the Mighty Mallards. Riding Mill’s unique micro-climate, very own super groundsman Pete Nitsch and Hamid’s black book meant that we were able to enjoy a full 20-over game in remarkably pleasant conditions.

There is no such thing as a guaranteed win  – as Theresa May would find out later that very evening – but this election day dust up was as close as Mallards will get, as the late withdrawal of original opponents Ovingham meant that this was effectively Mallards v Mallards  (with a few of Hamid and Harry’s mates to help make up the numbers) so a minimum of 6 Mallards would definitely be on a winning side – welcome news following 5 straight defeats!

The window of dry weather obviously caught out some people as only 20 turned up to play but these were soon divided into 2 teams which just for convenience sake shall now be referred to as MCC and USCC and has nothing to do with the result (oops, spoiler alert!). Hamid very kindly offered to let one of the longer-serving Mallards captain USCC but unsurprisingly (to your current Captain at least!) this was politely declined so Harry stepped up to the breach and subsequently lost the toss to MCC Captain Butcher who chose to abandoned his tried and tested (and mostly losing) tactic of batting first by inviting USCC to bat.

Wisbach and Ankush opened the batting for USCC and got off to a steady if tentative start against some tidy bowling from Bateman and Thompson and some alert fielding (yes that’s right – alert!). 18 off the first 5 overs with just 10 fielders represented a great start for MCC.  Ankush started to find his range and punished Thompson’s 3rd over leading to the introduction of the evergreen Ian Stone or The Flashing Blade to use his official nick name (apparently!) Bateman finished strongly, bowling Ankush for 25 in his final over to finish with a very impressive 1 for 10 off 4 overs. Gibbons then took up where Bateman left off and bowled beautifully enticing Riswan to drive the ball straight to Butcher who took the catch despite looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights according to one team mate! Stone, sorry, TFB, also bowled nicely despite a lengthy lay off and took the wicket of Wisbach for 10 (all in singles) and finished with a highly respectable 1 for 18 off 4. Gibbons held on to a steepling catch off his own bowling to dismiss Harry, much to the relief of Wood, who despite complaining just moments earlier that the ball had come nowhere near him all night, seemed more than happy to let Gibbons take over! (Got to encourage the youngsters – Webmaster) Patrick finished with a great 2 for 14 off 4, leaving USCC on a meagre 64 for 4 after 15 overs. After some gentle cajoling from the Captain, Moran took the next over and while it is fair to say she took a while to find her line, finished the over well leaving Nitsch and Wood to close out the innings. Nitsch bowled Holland and had Hamid sharply stumped by Beacock for a well played 25, finishing with 2 for 9 off 3 – another great set of figures – bowling ones obviously Peter! Wood trapped Raheel in front and only slightly blotted his copy book by predicting his last ball would go for 4, which it duly did, but still finished with very respectable 1 for 5 off his 1 over. Mexter and Sailesh remained unbeaten as USCC finished on 100 for 7 off their allotted 20 overs – a great effort in the field for just 10 players and surely a gettable target, however regular readers will know not to take anything for granted – unlike Mrs May!

Shorn of any regular openers, Captain Butcher was forced to push himself up the order despite his recent terrible form and open the batting alongside Hall. It was clear from the outset that both batsmen had different targets, Hall to calmly accumulate the runs required to win and Butcher to simply survive his first ball, something he had failed to do in his last 2 innings! Hall was untroubled by USCC opening bowlers Sailesh and Mexter while Butcher avoided the ignominy of a hat trick of Golden Ducks by playing a solid defensive shot to rapturous(ish) applause from the Pavilion much to the bemusement of those unaware of the circumstances. Things were to (briefly) get even better for Butcher who managed to intersperse numerous dot balls with a couple of 4’s before a very fine edge to the keeper did for him, out for 8 and MCC on 13 for 1 off 3, just behind the required run rate. Wood then joined Hall and both batsmen played nicely taking the singles on offer and regularly finding the boundary so by the time Wood was (very) narrowly stumped off Rizwan for 16, MCC were on 49 for 2 off 8 overs with Hall on 20, and comfortably ahead of the run rate. Bateman (having checked the positioning of his box – see pic) then joined the fray and was clearly keen to get home to check out the exit polls as he set about the USCC bowlers and Raheel in particular with relish, hitting 3 glorious sixes in an over including one of (if not the biggest) six this correspondent has ever seen at Riding Mill. Hall was still steadily accumulating at the other end and both batsmen reached their retirement score (Hall 30 and Bateman 33) in the 14^th over leaving a paltry 8 to win off 6 overs. A maiden from Ankush and some tidy bowling from Haylock delayed the inevitable but new batsmen Nitsch and Gibbons stayed calm and knocked of the winning runs at the end of the 17^th over to complete an unusually comfortable victory.

As usual a healthy contingent headed to The Welly where those successful Mallards (tried with limited success) not to gloat in the face of those less successful Mallards! Thanks to club despot Taylor’s carefully worded fixture description, Mallards are able to claim victory and boost the seasons win statistics but in truth and fully mindful of the gut wrenchingly sickening cliché – cricket was the winner (as it was pretty incredible that a game was held at all), and there were no losers on the day – oops sorry Theresa, I forgot about you!

This story is based on actual events. In certain cases incidents have been changed for dramatic purposes.

A reasonably warm but partly cloudy evening greeted the Mallards at Newcastle City’s ground on the first day of June.

With a much changed team from the previous fixture of the week, the Mallards were in a relatively confident mood,  reminiscing over recent past wins against the opposition Davipart.

Mallards were batting first after losing the toss (I think we did anyway. Either way, we were batting).

In a change from the professional game, where the umpires are followed out by the players, Mallards like to start mind games early, by refusing to provide any umpires until the bowler, field and batsman are all set and ready. Only a cry from the opposition of ‘Can we have some umpires?’ allowed the release of the men in whites, as we didn’t have any umpire jackets or stones to count the balls. Psychological advantage was clear to see and we were well and truly one up over Davipart.

Malik and Singh were opening up and Thompson bowled a tight first over going for 3. The next over from Saif was equally  tight but then followed a turning point in the match. Thompson to Singh, big appeal for LBW, Peter ‘Dickie Bird’ Beacock raises the finger 6 for 1. Wood in next. A nice shot for 2 settled the nerves but then there was no need for the quick-fingered umpire 2 balls later as he was bowled. 10 for 2. Captain Butcher in next.

Malik was still looking comfortable taking a few singles and manoeuvring the strike to allow Butcher to face. Saif to Butcher, passes the bat. Keeper then throws the ball back to the stumps and there is a stifled appeal for a stumping. Denied by Peter ‘David Shepherd’ Beacock, play on. But what’s this???? Butcher is walking back towards the pavilion. Maybe he’s left something behind, like his box or the rule book of umpiring. It appears he’s given himself out as the wicket keeper was adamant his foot was out of the crease. (Even though there was barely a line to see). Possibly the first time we have seen a player overturning an umpire’s decision on a stumping. Controversially now 14 for 3 from 4 overs. Wisbach in next. Time for a bit a composure.

Malik negotiates Thompson’s next over, adding a couple more. The composed Wisbach facing up to his first ball. A wide one smashed straight to point – but put down!!! A single snatched from the jaws of a catch. Composure gone in the blink of an eye.

Wisbach and Malik continue to fend off the opening bowlers, running well and keeping the scoreboard ticking over to see Thompson and Saif off, almost. Saif’s last delivery was hit well by Malik but straight back to Saif who took a good catch. Malik gone for a nice 16. 31 for 4 after 8 overs. Thompson finished for a tight 4-13-2 and Saif just as good with 4-16-2. Beacock in next

In a rather precarious position Beacock and Wisbach showed how it should be done. Plenty of singles and couple of well-timed fours from each batsmen taking the score out of embarrassment and into poor – which most would have been happy with. The accurate bowling continuing with Dillon finishing 4-13-0.

A well-negotiated partnership of 33 came to an end after an in between over discussion was ignored by Wisbach. “We’ll see how this over goes and then have a thrash about in the final 3 overs” was agreed between the two batsmen.

But the loopy slow-paced Rawley was too tempting for Wisbach, who gracefully danced down the wicket and missed one that span about a meter (dramatisation) and was stumped. Wisbach gone for 22. Now 64 for 5. Mexter up next.

More singles and a cheeky run for a bye by Mexter added to the scoreboard. But then the famous Mallards curse was unleashed by Wood from the boundary. After Mexter snuck the extra, Wood was heard to shout ; “Well ran Leon” followed by ” he’ll probably get out now”. 71 for 6. Mexter bowled by Umar/Wood.

Big hitting Bateman in next. Beacock continued his fine innings with more singles and Bateman lit up the cloudy background with some lovely timing including a four and a big six off the final ball to take the total to 93/6. Beacock not out 15 and Bateman 12 from 6 deliveries.

From 31/4 I think 93/6 was an acceptable final total.

Over to the bowlers to continue the Mallards fight. Gilloway and Thompson opening up with some well-bowled overs which,  apart from a few byes from a wide one down the leg, gave Mallards a nice start, against a clearly talented opening batting pair. Then the first strike, Thompson to Sandhu, LBW for 7. Davipart 11 for 1.

The well-known and dangerous Y. Rawley was in next. The field backed off a bit in preparation for the swinging blade. 2 boundaries followed from Rawley, tarnishing the over a little. The bowlers hit back well, restricting the batsmen to mainly singles with Thompson finishing 3-19-1 and Davipart on 36 for 1 from 6.

Then, the moment of the match. Gilloway to Duzza, a big hit over deep mid-off, Thompson went forward, then sideways, then back and back and back and leapt like a salmon in cricket whites, raising one hand and grabbing a ‘Worldie’ (as quoted in the scorebook). Great catch, Duzza done for 4, Davipart 37 for 2. Gilloway finishing with a nice 4-21-1.

Mallards sensed a chance and brought on Bateman and Mexter. Bateman kept the pressure on with some accurate pitched-up deliveries and was unlucky not to get a breakthrough. However, the runs began to flow at the other end with Rawley getting into his stride with consecutive boundaries from Mexter.  Bateman continued with accuracy and by the end of his third over had only gone for 7. Rawley continued to make runs and before long had retired for a well-made 33, with the score on 73.

Deeps entered and continued to add to the score with a boundary off his second ball and paddled around a few singles with Dillion to bring the score to 83 with Mexter finishing up on 3-0-29. Bateman ran up to bowl his fourth and Dillion was obviously late home for his tea, as he hit Bateman for 6 back over his head. A few more singles and some byes got the scores levels and then the final ball of the over was knocked for single to hand a deserved victory to Davipart with 3 overs to go. Bateman unlucky to finish on 4-0-18.

Mallards knew the poor start was the main contributing factor to an under-par score but realistically Davipart probably would have chased down a far greater total than that. We take the positives of a great catch and a few decent batting and bowling performances and move onto the next.

As usual the match was played in a good spirit and Mallards filled the bar with the main discussion being non-cricket-related. Which team had their shirt framed in the club house? Green and white hooped. Celtic? Sporting Lisbon? Yeovil? Even with Leon taking a closer look he was none the wiser. It remains a club secret to this day. . . . . . Not really, it was Gosforth rugby club who played at the ground too.

The game of cricket is a strange beast. It can, on one hand, be an absolutely sublime game full of moments of genius that draw gasps of wonder from the crowd, skilled players making the impossible look simple, athletic fielding at levels of speed and agility that surely can’t be human and shots so powerful that the ball is past you before you’ve had time to blink, never mind move! On the other hand, it can involve Mallards, where the game goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, the only gasps from the crowd are ones of disbelief, the players make the simple look impossible, speed and agility are words seen only in a dictionary and the ball is usually past the batsman before they’ve had time to move!

So why was I screaming at everyone who was driving on the A69 at 5.55pm to get out of my “flipping” (or words along those lines) way so that I could get to Riding Mill on time to play this game? Because there’s something about playing in the Mallards team that is special. Is it the camaraderie? Is it the spirit in which the game is played? Is it the fact that it’s not taken too seriously? Is it that no-one knows what’s going to happen from one game to the next? Is it because the main objective of the night is to actually get to the pub after the game, rather than the game itself? The answer is, of course, that it’s all of the above and more.

Playing for Mallards was something I genuinely missed when living in Lincolnshire for the last couple of years. To be welcomed back into the fold so warmly and immediately made me realise exactly why I missed Mallards. It’s not necessarily about the game of cricket, it’s the social aspect that it brings. Which is probably why it’s taken me so long to get on to the game itself!

A lovely sunny evening in Riding Mill bode well for a good game of cricket and, with Mr Nitsch finishing off the cutting of the wicket as I pulled up in my car, the ground was in tip-top shape too. Apparently, we’d won the toss and were batting first against an Architects (or QSCC to give them their proper title) team that seemed to have a different mentality to other games we’ve played against them.

We opened with Mussett and Kenty against their opening bowling pair of Harkin and Harrison and our batsmen were soon well into their stride with 20 coming off the first 2 overs – Mussett tonking several 4s and Kenty chipping in with a boundary of his own. The next 2 overs continued at a similar rate as our scored moved onto 36 with the H-team taking a further bashing on their bowling figures. In the 5^th over, Mussett retired having passed 30 with a tonking six over long on off Spurs (who had replaced Harkin) and walked back to the pavilion to be replaced by Hall. It was in the 6^th over that our first wicket fell when Hall was clean bowled for just 1 trying to howk Harrison back over the bowler’s head for 6. The fact that he’d been hit on the arm by a bit of a beamer (admittedly accidental) from Harrison the ball before probably had a slight influence on the choice of shot.

Hall was replaced by the skipper, Mr Cox, and we thought we’d be back into our stride after the slight inconvenience of losing Mr Hall. At the end of the 6^th over we were 51-1, with Mussett back in the hutch, ready to return should we have a typical Mallardian collapse. Kenty and Mr Cox slowly started to rebuild the innings and, at the end of the 8^th over, the run rate was still impressive as our score moved on to 62. However, it was at the expense of losing the wicket of Mr Cox to the bowling of Harrison. A gorgeous flick off his legs was caught one-handed by the fielder at square leg. The one-handed bit was surely one for the cameras and totally unnecessary. The next batsman was Buxom, fresh from his retiring score against Durham the other week but, as we were to discover, unable, this week, to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo tonight never mind a cricket ball with a bat. However, Kenty continued to score runs and eventually retired having passed 30. This brought Emoji Lucas to the crease and, having taken a guard of middle stump, promptly stood about a foot outside leg giving the bowler all 3 stumps to aim for. Needless to say, a few balls later, Emoji was walking back to the pavilion to be replaced by newbie,  Holland.

After a few words of encouragement from Buxom to just enjoy it, keep it simple and don’t get out, the 2 batsmen went about their business. Unfortunately, their business was to not score any runs and we went from a score of 68-2 in the 10^th over to 77-3 in the 12^th, then 79-4 in the 14^th over. You see fewer dots in a Morse code transcript than in the scorebook over those overs. Eventually, Buxom holed out finally having connected with one going for broke and this brought Mr Nitsch to the wicket and the score started to increase again. Ably supported by Holland, Mr Nitsch started hitting boundaries, something not seen, it felt like anyway, since Methuselah was a lad! Holland was caught off the bowling of Brigham (who’d also dispensed with Buckley) and Nitsch was then supported by Mr McGuinness, who replaced Holland. Mr Nitsch eventually went for 17 having been bowled by Brigham and the last wicket was McGuinness who was run out by a country mile. Trigger-Finger had pitched in with a couple of singles. Mallards finished on 106 having been on 68 after 10 overs. Was only scoring 38 runs in the last 10 over going to come back to haunt them?

Mallards opened their bowling with Trigger-Finger Cleaver and Mr Watson and both were into their rhythm quickly against the Architects’ opening batsmen of Warman(?) and Loach.  Warman(?) was first to go in Watson’s first over, clean-bowled by an impressive delivery. This brought Spurs to the wicket and having only scored 2, he was clean bowled by TF Cleaver. 2 wickets in the first 3 overs and the score was 23!

Ashley came to the wicket for Architects and, after a boundary and a single, was sent packing by Watson, clean-bowling yet another batsman. In the meantime, opener Loach was slowly progressing and building up a decent score as a good partnership with Brigham developed. After TF Cleaver and Watson had finished their spells with figures of 4-0-23-1 and 4-0-20-2 respectively, McGuinness and Cox came on to replace them.

Some fast and aggressive bowling from Skip Cox was rewarded when he (rather loudly) found the edge of the batsman’s bat and it was finely caught by Kenty behind the stumps. Everyone went up (including Davy Heslop who was several miles away collecting his Indian takeaway by now) in celebration but the batsman didn’t move and the umpire said he didn’t hear anything. The look of disbelief on everyone’s faces was justified but we carried on, determined to overcome this obvious miscarriage of justice. Eventually, Skip Cox got his reward when he clean-bowled Loach for 22 (although, for some reason, the scorebook has it down as Hall, even though he didn’t bowl!). McGuinness also removed Brigham by clean-bowling him for 19.

At the end of the 12^th over, the dismissed Architects batsmen had only scored 56 runs between them. Was the chance of a Mallards win still on the cards? Unfortunately, our conceded total of extras was rather high in wides and byes (despite a fantastic display behind the stumps by Kenty) which made Architects’ score much closer than it could have been. Mussett replaced McGuiness and got a couple of wickets by clean-bowling both M Robinson and Harkin for 7 and 0 respectively. During Mussett’s bowling, Skip Cox attempted a catch on the run which ended up in him landing on his bowling hand so McGuiness was brought back to replace him at the Pavilion end. Despite some great bowling (all wickets were clean-bowled), good fielding and a great collective team effort, Mallards’ score was just too low and D Robinson along with Harrison brought Architects home to win the game by scoring the clinching runs in their 18^th over.

So yes, scoring only 38 runs in our second 10 overs did cost Mallards the game. We were close though. Blooming close.

There would have been more figures given for the Architects innings but they hadn’t filled in the book properly (again)!

There was a decent turn-out at the pub from both teams after the game was nice to see although, for some reason, the opposition couldn’t have sat further away from us if they’d tried. Learning that Mr Nitsch is a fan of Shaun Mendes and enjoys going to his concerts (along with the concerts of several gay icons) was a revelation to discover! Worth the trip to the pub on its own! However, the evening was a perfect summation of what playing for Mallards is all about – playing for the love of the game, good camaraderie and socialising afterwards with good craic. Long may it continue.

Being so early in the season, the annual MCC dinner and the lure of the coveted awards must still be fresh in everyone’s minds – catches are being held, match reports have been getting churned out in record time, and Tony Cleaver jumped at the chance to put in a strong bid for the friendly fire trophy. Regular readers will know this particular (award-winning) correspondent likes to take the odd pot-shot at TC, and it always proves popular so I thought I’d get it in way early. That’s ok, there’s no way Gareth will pick him for a while after last week, he’s kind of spiteful like that, so I can make those sort of jokes in safety.

However this is being the Mallards,  there was much midweek team shuffling. So when Captain Butcher turned up proudly wielding the new team kit, he was forced not only to welcome our new antagonist back into the fold, but had to hand him a brand new shirt into the bargain.

Anyhoo, that’s enough forced preamble – I usually like some sort of theme when I write reports, but I’ve been struggling this time (I’ll just call it ropey early-season form and move on) so am writing any old bollocks to get the word count up.

Let’s hope things get better from here.

Facing off against what I’m fairly sure is a new opponent in the mysteriously named USCC, MCC were to bat first [Error: toss result not found] with a strong and stable looking lineup. Kent (welcome back, mate) and Musset started with confidence, getting through to 15/0 after 3 overs before Kent was bowled for 2 by a shoelace-bothering half-tracker.

McCaffery, promoted to first drop to “Give it the Heeeet” (whatever that means) kept the good work going, and with Musset peppered the boundary to the tune of 46/1 off 7.

At this point, Stig was heard to make predictions about record scores, with the opposition in ear-shot and everything.

In the 8th over, Musset deposited the ball onto the pavilion roof and retired on 35. Cox, with Stig’s words still ringing around the ground was bowled for a duck, bringing Wood in to really put the anchors on the scoring rate (that’s 3 off 16 balls for you, Trev)  “Young” Colin was still in charge, but soon reached 31 and retired. 82/2 off 12, what could possibly go wrong.  (Note from webmaster to mathematically-challenged reporter –  “putting the anchors on” yet maintaining the scoring rate at just below 7 an over?).

I’m not going to make cheap cliches out of the 13th over being unlucky, but a hat-trick is rather a conspicuous event, and kind of hard to sweep under the rug. Wood, Butcher and Browne were on the receiving end of that particular one, all bowled by Gaurav. Special mention to Browne for having an almighty heave at the hat-trick ball, it would have looked so good if he’d nailed that one for 6.

There was now a bit of a pause in proceedings as we tried to find some more batsmen to go in. This actually seemed to settle things down as Beacock (17*) and Thompson (8*) saw out the rest of the overs comfortably, including 10 runs off the 19th. Stig’s mid-innings prediction of 140, maybe even 150 was a bit off as we finished on 114/5. Thanks mate, can we count this as a Friendly Fire nomination?

Nevertheless, 114 is still very defendable, particularly with the pitch doing a bit and the sun dropping into the blinding zone.

Cleaver (2 for 20 off 4) took the new ball and struck in the first over, as the skipper took a tumbling catch to remove opener Rizuan for 0. TC took the next wicket too in the 5th, bowling Ankush for 9. Browne (1 for 18 off 3) joined the action in the next over as Thompson was calm under a high catch at mid off. 32/3 off six, we’re into their middle order and there’s a confident feeling around the field.

Watson (0 for 40 off 4) came on at the Eastern end and came in for some special treatment from Harry and Raheel, the latter showing some imaginative footwork to unsettle the bowler’s rhythm. Cox (2 for 14 off 4) came on at the other end, still smarting from his failure with the bat and found satisfaction as he dismissed both set batsmen, clean bowled.

Remarkably, given the way the match was panning out, both teams were on 83/5 after 13 overs. If we could only chisel out another couple of wickets we might find ourselves right on top again.

No chance. Lady Luck was still twisting the knife into Stig’s very own “We’re going to make ’em grovel” moment and new bowlers Musset and Thompson didn’t really stand a chance against those dark forces. Neither was able to find a way through and USCC got home in the 18th over, 118/5. Musset finished with 0 for 11 off 1.5 and Thompson 0 for 6 off 1.

Ah well, the new kit looked good and it was finally warm enough to sit outside at the Welly so it wasn’t a total write-off. Bring on next week and the start of double-header season!