We begin the season as always with the Jon-Rob cup and the pre-match excuses arriving before hello, the ever-familiar sound accompanied a picturesque day at riding mill with the newly constructed Jon bench completing the pair on the far boundary, rivalling the costs and planning complexity of HS2. A gorgeous temperature and enough wind to claim interference with any dropped catch.
The two captains, the imovable object that is Liaquat Latif and the unstopable force of Mark Buckley, took to the square looking for signs of intelligence and found none, with the turncoat Buckley quickly becoming a very stopable force, losing the toss and our respect. Liaquat, in an unorthodox choice, decided Mallards would be better off opening the batting, whether this was playing to some sort of strength or Liaquat was attempting to take the opposition by surprise. Ankush put his ciggy out with disbelief and began padding up with Holland the younger. It is here I would like to note that this is quite possibly the youngest Mallards team ever recorded, with an average age of 35.7. Partly due to the players imported from York, although any contention that these players created an uneven playing field would be quickly put to rest with between 3 of them, 2 ducks, and 2 runs, a batting average to even make a Mallard blush. Ankush and Holland, the younger, took to the field and began the cricketing season with a nice defensive shot, to a round of applause. What followed could be characterised as an unusual masterclass from the pair, with Ankush being run out for 17 due to a miscommunication and some exceptional fielding from Genetics. Ankush scored three magnificent fours, and with Holland the younger vowing some kind of revenge against the outfield for their crime of ‘good fielding’, going on to hit four fours and then a hat-trick of consecutive sixes to retire on 35, with most of us forgetting what the umpire signal for a six was, never mind what a good six looked like.
Ajay narrowly avoided a duck with a staggering one run going out for LBW, clearly trying to get into the record books, replaced by a partnership of Liaquat with some smart and technically brilliant batting and Tindale (Ryan) losing his mallardginity in this game and vastly overestimating the standard of play we are treated to regularly. Ryan, before the game, told me, “Alistair, it’s been a few years since I played. I might struggle to perform,” I said, ” You cannot mathematically get worse than our average player. He retired at 33 with 3 sixes. I think he was alright. Liaquat after a good spell on the square was declared LBW for 11 replaced by Coxy who settled in for the remainder of the 16 overs. Followed by Wilson who came directly from the practise net set himself and then swang erratically at the ball once and then again going out to their primary school age bowler for a Duck: which i think we can all agree is the real metric of mallardian greatness. Replaced by Holland the elder, hoping to put his son in his place, faced nearly a whole over worth of balls and scored a breathtaking 1, only in golf and the mallards are such low scores appreciated.
To replace the youthful wilson came the silver fox of the Mallards, TC, proving that even with a 50-year difference, there is still complete disregard and shunning of any form of cricketing skill, a true pillar of the club’s values, in comparison to the frankly anti-social performance of Holland the elder, taking to the square and glutinous 1 run and then being bowled out like a true virtuous Mallards player. Following such a heretical performance, another player took to the field, losing their mallardginity in a much more traditional fashion. Joe Barratt, his first ball faced, dribbled down the leg side and then immediately bottom-edged one into his stumps, looking back in absolute despair but without any surprise . At the pavillion despite assurances he “probably wasnt gonna bat” having barely equipped the shared box (only after being convinced it was a mask, yes thats how new to cricket he is) he goes oh shit is that me up frantically padding up as Barratt trudged off the field he speaks a line as true to mallardian culture as “we will fight them on the beaches” is to the UK: “how do i hold the bat” after heroically facing 3 entire balls and remarkably scoring 1 whole run then after over was called and as the fielders shuffled dan crabtree stood ready poised waiting for another delivery as he did not understand what an over was yet he went on to score 2 whole runs not out joining the other not out mallards along with Coxy ending up on 26 runs with some marvelous batsmanship finishing up the 16 overs for an unsual total of 135.
A short break and a quick turnaround as the light was beginning to disappear, not that any of the bowling committed by the mallards would be classed as dangerous (or bowling for that matter). Tony Cleaver is opening the bowling and immediately injuring himself. With the pitch on the square slippery enough to have their opening batsman fall dramatically and injure himself,a. t the other end,, despite his alternative allegiances, Buckley was true to his Mallardian heritage and went out for a duck. With the remaining overs passing and the temperature and light level both dropping, a rather uneventful stretch followed, with only 2 more wickets, one caught by Ajay, who insisted on being wicketkeeper for some reason and the other bowled . Notably, some amazing bowling from Tindale and Liaquat and the Hollands, and some amazing advice from Ankush, “you bowl better when you stop trying”, and “you should stop trying”, which is of course, what mallards need: more apathy to the final result. The game ended in nearly pitch-black conditions, and a fantastic group photo was taken with genetics scoring 103 in total.
The Jon Rob cup ended up staying with the Mallards. Not that it matters who wins, I would argue the value of the game is the community we build by attending, not the plastic trophy. Putting the self-deprecation to the side, although I’m relatively new to the Mallards genetics scene, there is nowhere I have encountered such friendly, accepting and kind people as the northeast amateur cricket scene.