With the nights growing warmer and longer, a team of wild Mallards migrated south to temporarily nest in the heart of Durham at the Maiden Castle ground. The lush field seemed endless and after a damp morning, the possibility of a high boundary game looked far from likely.

Harry and Taylor were the first to wade to the wicket, the former looking to impress on his debut and the latter looking to impress on his birthday. Harry, who like Prince or Cher appears to be mononymous, elected to face the first ball from Bothroyd which yielded a pair of two’s and 4 dot balls, a solid start for a debut Mallard. The second over meant it was the birthday boy’s time to shine, with a familiar face doing the bowling (Judas Cleaver) surely the stage was set for a fine batting display. Sadly, the memo mustn’t have been received  as Cleaver, in fine recent form, bowled 5 dot balls before having Taylor caught behind –  a wicket-maiden first over.

McCaffery joined Harry and the second over followed a similar pattern, Harry pounced on anything the accurate fast bowler let slightly astray added 2 runs with the first ball and 3 with the final ball, which was the first confirmation of the massive boundaries as the shot looked all day like a 4.  Unfortunately, Cleaver, now in confident mood, then managed to repeat his first over trick with another wicket-maiden his third ball seeing Harry caught in the deep.  Buckley saw out the rest of the over but  after 4 overs, the mallards had just 9 runs and had lost 2 wickets. Things looked ominous.

After another maiden over from new bowler Metcalf, McCaffery and Buckley started to build a fine-looking partnership, the former loving to run at a second’s notice and the latter begrudgingly obliging. McCaffery had the gall to start swinging at Cleaver’s deliveries and the runs began to come. The first boundaries came in the 10^th over as Buckley whacked Anjil for 4 twice in a row.  The Mallards now sat on 37-2 from 10, still well below par. Buckley, however, was beginning to accelerate and the runs began to flow more quickly before he retired in the 13^th over for 31. McCaffery quickly followed, in less desirable circumstances, after being caught from Anjil for 19 leaving the Mallards on 67 from 14 and plenty of time to start slogging.

Wood and Butcher entered the fray but the latter soon saw his stumps demolished. Butcher began to walk, fate seemingly sealed, before eagle-eyed Umpire Taylor quickly stomped his authority to declare a no ball. With a mop of the brow Butcher was back in business. The need for runs meant risks were now being taken with some quick singles and Butcher finally met his end for real, run out for 7 in the 17^th over.  Browne, promoted to try and increase the run rate, came in next. First ball faced made him look like a proper batsman with a straight drive over the bowler’s head, however 2 runs were reduced to 1 as the ever-fair umpire Taylor had spotted a running infraction.  Sadly Browne repeated the same shot three more times without connecting and was stumped at the fourth attempt. Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Beacock now joined the ever-present Wood to finish the innings off. With both prepared to run for everything, a flurry of singles peppered with smattering of near misses saw them take the score to 99-5 from the 20 overs, Beacock finishing with 6 and Wood an unbeaten 15.

Mallards swooped onto the pitch in the knowledge that either a superb defensive display, or bowling Durham out would be the only chance of victory. Browne, opening the bowling, started with the latter in mind. The first chance the batsman had to swing, he did and Butcher took full advantage with a fine catch. Opening batsman Wastell out for a duck.

Watson at the other end was also delivering devilish balls, his pirouetting run-up clearly confusing the new batsman, Smith, who attempted a suicidal run to Buckley. Buckley’s response was swift and deadly, a one-handed pick-up and direct hit to run the new man out by a distance. Two overs gone, two batsmen out.

Durham, however, began to settle and by  the 7^th over had reached 24 for 2. Browne, in his final over, made one last big effort and it paid off, a lightning ball edged and snapped up by Beacock, sharp as ever. Browne finished his spell with an excellent 2-11 from four overs while Watson ended with a parsimonious 0-21. Both fine numbers and if the following bowlers could continue this, the Mallards would just about make it.

The second debutant of the day Gilloway took the next over with Thompson bowling from the other end. Gilloway, from Lancashire, had regaled the Mallards with tales of his youthful bowling prowess however, sheepishly confessed he hasn’t held a ball for close to 8 years. Both bowlers appeared to start out steadily however batsmen Powell and Rout had definitely begun to feel more comfortable. Any ball that was slightly short or off line was punished harshly. As the overs ticked by, Gilloway’s previous experience started to shine through though and on another day he could have picked up a couple of wickets. A snick again swept up by Beacock was deemed to be from a pad strap, appeals for a slow-motion replayed denied by a lack of such technology.

Gilloway was now well into his stride and his third over gave away just 2 runs. Thompson was replaced by Wood in an attempt to give new batsman Gillespie (Powell having just retired for 31 from a flurry of boundaries) something new to think about.  Gilloway took his final over well and ended up with a respectable 0-25 from his four.  With Wood holding them off at one end, Thompson was given another shot at the other for the 16^th over. By this point, however, Durham had hit 93 and a small miracle was needed. Despite a much better over, giving away 3 runs, the damage looked done. The Mallards closed in and Wood stepped up again looking for a maiden. Three great deliveries to new batsman Boothroyd (Gillespie having also romped to 30) looked promising, however off the fourth the batsman took a wild swing and that was it, 4 runs, Durham finishing on 101-3 to win by 7 wickets. Wood bowled 3 overs for 15 and Thompson the same for 22.

All that separated the teams in the end was 14 balls, and Mallards being Mallards, it was taken in good stride. There is always a beer after and there is always another game.

Hold on a minute though… if Cleaver had put on a different shirt that morning, would the scores have been reversed? I think we all know the answer to that. We’re all expecting a fine performance next time Cleaver puts on a Mallards shirt, though having bowled out the head of the selection committee on his birthday that may not be for a long time.

The laws of gravity have entertained and constrained mankind’s endeavours ever since cavemen hurled rocks at woolly mammoths. Sir Isaac ‘Beefy’ Newton characterised these laws as the mutual attraction between two globes in space; Alfred ‘Nobby’ Einstein formulated them in his general theory of relativity and Stig ‘Norwich’ Butcher struggles against them every time he gets out of bed. No better entertainment can be had, however, than to watch assorted members of the Mallards pivot about the greensward in their attempt to dispute gravity and dispatch cricket balls to all parts.

And so the game began. It started well: blue skies, bright sunshine and the pitch at Tynemouth inviting to behold – dry, verdant, with boundaries framed by assorted shrubbery (of which more later).

King’s Old Boys sportingly opened the bowling with some generous pie-chucking to which Stig duly applied himself – putting more beef into his batting than in Delia Smith’s hamburgers.  A brace of fours were retrieved from the shrubbery.

Going for the same recipe eventually brought his downfall, however. Stig picked out one of the few fielders who could catch. So the bustling McCaffrey joined the fray and he and Wood continued the bright start, each dishing up boundaries seemingly at will.

A change of bowling was called for. It was then that Captain Stig understood the opening request from King’s that we play 16 overs with a maximum of 5 per bowlers. What? This is not the way the Mallards do things. Evidently our opponents lacked quality in depth but possessed a couple of ringers. Well quality in depth is the hallmark of a Mallards team (well, quality of beer appreciation) but the only ringers are on our pensioners’ trikes. We held out for 18 overs and resolutely stuck to our principles of everyone getting a bat or bowl – 4 overs max for us.

McCaffrey perished first ball from incomer Black, and this despite early warnings from his partner at the non-striking end. For the next three overs, Black continued to subdue Wood and Gibbons and then the latter perished lbw going for a big swipe off Willet. The free flowing run-getting had stalled. Lucas came in and stuttered at first until Black finished his five overs then the pie chucking resumed and the Mallards returned to swinging the willow. Wood was caught for 11 trying to up the run chase and was replaced by Beakers who, together with Lucas who top scored with 20, saw the 18 overs out for a total of 76 for 4. Not the easiest score to defend.

Time for the Mallards to field. It started well, again. Cleaver and Browne bowled tightly, the ball was swinging and they got a wicket apiece: Singh playing-on and his replacement, Devlin, being caught. Lucas, meanwhile, distinguished himself at point, by stopping every ball that came his way. (Wood was not quite so distinguished – grabbing handfuls of turf rather than picking up the ball…) King’s were in trouble at this stage. Until, that is the penultimate ball from Cleaver which Malik hooped up into the air and into the brambles for a six. This drew blood from Cleaver whose arm was shredded in retrieving the ball and who would have gladly drawn blood from any further batsmen, had he been given a fifth over like the opposition. But that is not the way the Mallards do things.

Thus Watson and Thompson joined the attack. This is the way we play. Variety was the keynote of their assault: a number of wides occurred in the first over of each, but none wider than the Tyne estuary and Thompson was all the time clearly working on bamboozling his opponent since he clean-bowled the dangerous Malik in his second over. However, Van Zyl and Weston were now at the crease and they set about smiting the cherry. The shrubbery saw much action. Dunhill was added to the Mallards attack but despite removing Weston lbw, the damage was done. King’s reached 76 in the 16^th over and finished with a boundary off the next ball to total 80 and win the game. Oh well…with different rules and King’s giving all their fielders a game the outcome might have been different.

And so to the ‘beer garden’ at The Lodge. Not the prettiest of back yards but gravity saw us all happily seated, the beer flowed, as did the lively conversation. That is the way the Mallards do things.

Mallards midweek magic against Benwell & Walbottle had given the side their first victory of the campaign and a degree of optimism going into the fourth game of the season, a home tie at Riding Mill against Excelsior Batters.

Little had separated the sides over the past two seasons, both sides winning twice in the four games contested. Mallards were hoping to overturn a couple of early season defeats into a two game winning hot streak, something not achieved since those long and hazy summer nights of 2014.

The toss fell favourably into the hands of Captain Cox who elected to bat. Wisbach accompanied Cox as they took positions at their respective creases. Thompson stepped in to field for the visitors and ‘two tone’ Gareth Taylor took his place as umpire fresh and full of tales from his trip to the school of umpiring. Thankfully the opposition did consist of some bowlers to get the balls rolling.

Against some tough openers, it was time for Wisbach to batten down the hatches and he clearly thought it best to try and see out the entire innings. A single off his first 16 deliveries was a welcome return. Cox’s dirty work at the other end helped to gain those less than essential runs. Taylor keeping a close eye on the total, 15 after 5 overs.

Wisbach’s Boycottian style of dot balls, only ever so slightly risky singles and disregard for run rate, frustrated the bowlers and helped to boost enthusiasm from the sidelines. His defiance was eventually undone by a delivery from Ahmed, going for a grand total of 9. Mallards were 40 for 1 in the 10th over.

Wood eased into things with a cheeky four. His trademark leg sided glances along with some snap decision making helped to boost the run rate. Meanwhile there was a welcome token visit from Peter Nitsch, his pooch and other village people looking for a slice of the action at a packed out Riding Mill. A flurry of singles and boundaries saw Cox retire for 30 not out (including 5 boundaries in total), allowing Gibbons to take to the field. A quiet start consisting of knicks and helmet malfunctioning soon blossomed into criminal damage. A pie chucked down the leg side was despatched for 6 into the car park and onto a land rover bonnet.

Wood’s twinkle toes and agility between the wicket was working wonders until Riding Mill’s ever present microclimate seemed to be his downfall. A sneaky second looked comfortable.  A fielder threw in close to the wickets and a sudden gust of wind seemed to knock off a bail. Dunhill’s eagle eye assured us all the ball had indeed knocked off the bail. He performed his duties and Wood was given out for 26. Bateman took his place at the crease. Taylor’s decisive not out call from an acute angle behind the stumps for a run out later on would be the highlight of a first innings umpiring masterclass.

Unhappy not to have cracked any windscreens earlier, Gibbons’ second pie in the sky was destined for Bateman’s wheels. Much to his relief it was deflected to safety by the trees.  A stern word at the end of the over deterred Gibbons from further felony and he would retire on 20 not out.

Bateman hit two further boundaries in quick succession, but a direct hit to the goolies seemed to take the wind from his sails. The final over of the innings being less fruitful for our resident Kiwi, but nevertheless capping a fine 13 not out to finish. Mallards had reached a rather splendid 128 for 2 off 20 with 88 runs from the last 10 overs.

A quick Tina turn a round and the Mallards were set up in an aggressive stance on the field. Andy Dunhill opened the bowling from the Tree end. Despite jibes of a four and three from their opener Krishnan, a fine delivery edged through to Beacock was held and elated the field. Yet Gareth Taylor’s digit was nowhere to be seen. Presumably it was in his pocket as he was at square leg. His fellow umpire couldn’t be persuaded by the swoons of the Mallards, writhing with the knowledge a catch does indeed equal a wicket. It was not given though and The Mallards would have to crack on regardless. Beacock, in particular, would have cause for regret. Yet there would be even greater bewilderment from the apparently qualified umpiring that would follow.

At the other end Watson helped to steady the ship with a couple of tight overs. A swinging delivery was nicked but evaded Beacock’s big hands this time. The Excelsior batters were looking lively and matching the 6.45 per over run rate required for victory.  Yet Dunhill help to stem the flow of the batsmen with his last two overs and would finish with figures of 22 for 0 off 4 overs. Very decent.

McGuiness stepped up knowing wickets would be essential. There was to be no doubt for McGuiness’ first – spooned high into the field and caught by Gibbons at long on. But he knew it wasn’t going to be this easy. The Excelsior Batters were piling on the pressure and hoping to teach a lesson outside of the classrooms they normally inhabit.

The Mallards also had to contend with GT’s second innings transformation. From a slick ball counting secretarial vegetarian, his new experiential umpiring wisdom raised him to a Zen like state of connection with Mr Extras.  Together they redefined the concept of a no ball and would no longer abide by the laws of cricket or logic. The corridor of uncertainty became the only safe haven to the bowlers as anything pitched outside of this was given as a wide.  Both no balls and wides would flow like wine. The Mallards were confused but happy enough that Taylor looked tranquil signalling at a level of higher consciousness throughout the second innings.

Despite this, Bateman took over from the ever reliable ‘Doctor’ Watson (0 -14 off 4) and bowled Bodley early doors for 9, the Batters now requiring 80 odd from the 10 overs remaining.

McGuiness found his mojo in his decisive third over, taking out Birell and Jobling with a couple of peaches. The Mallards were cooking on gas. Oodles of dot balls from Bateman and the wicket of Mr Spencer would help to quash the Excelsior charge. Bateman would finish with a remarkable of 3 for 2 off four overs.

Alex ‘Jeffro’ Thompson’s deceptive ‘you think it’s a wide then it’s a wicket’ approach almost paid off when another edge through to Beacock was dropped. He was then agonisingly close to catching a second edge through from Thompson- it would seem the slippery mitts were letting down the normally safest of hands – forcing him to wear the gimp mask as punishment (see above) seemed a trifle harsh. Thompson would finish with 0 for 26 off 4, but deserved better, though Moran’s eager fielding had undoubtedly helped to curb the running total.

In his final over, McGuiness added another lamb to the slaughter with his fourth wicket, Tiffin the sacrifice. Again clean bowled, again McGuiness. Again the temperature rising.  He finished with 4 for 24 off 4. Bateman burnt down the house with his final wicket, finishing off Excelsior for 102 for 6 off 20. Mallards registering a second successive victory by 26 runs. Friday Night fever was upon us.

Excelsior, gracious in defeat, chipped in for the pitch costs and whipped out a bin bag full of a range of sandwiches. Corned beef, ham and tomato and cheese and onion were all there to choose from.

Post match boozing at the Welly helped to cool things down and the chat consisted of which sandals and factor suncream to pack in the bags for a trip to the beach on Tuesday. The Mallards would face Kings School Old Boys at Priors Park in Tynemouth.

Two seasons ago the Mallards played in freezing conditions at Walbottle Campus, fielding as the hailstones rattled around the outfield. Having endured similar conditions at home to Nitsch’s Black Book XI just last week there were some suggestions that the team should change its name, with the Arctic Monkeys topping the poll.

Fortunately, as the teams gathered at Walbottle last night it was clear that the weather gods had decided to give them a break this week – there was even a sighting of a strange yellow ball in the sky which drew much comment and the occasional silent prayer of allegiance. Plans to sacrifice a lamb from a nearby field were only halted by the intervention of a large, rosy-cheeked farmer – no, wait, that was captain Butcher turning up slightly late, citing some arcane notion of work commitments. In his absence a hastily arranged committee had nominated Fixtures Secretary McGuinness as the most senior man present and he duly won the toss and elected to bat.

Nitsch (he of the Black Book) and returning legend Musset opened the batting and the latter underlined his youthful promise with two firmly driven fours in the first over. Sadly his senior partner could not match such endeavour – or cope with the very low bounce – and quickly succumbed to the sharpish Henton, clean bowled for 2.  Skipper Butcher (perhaps with work commitments still distracting him) succumbed in identical fashion shortly after for a solid 0.

Wood joined young Musset and things settled down as the former leant on his bat and watched his partner carve the ball around beautifully before being forcibly retired on 33 not out in the eight over with the score on 42-2. Buckley joined Wood and the score continued to mount despite both batsmen having some difficulty with the Taylor-esque bowling of Draper whose rag-bag collection of SGW caused much frustration, Buckley eventually holing out to a fine catch at a long leg for 7 with the score on 62-3 in the 11^th over. McCaffrey joined Wood and the pair stepped up the scoring before Wood finally succumbed to the devilish Draper, playing on for 17 as Mallards reached a solid base of 77-4 in the 13^th over.

Beacock joined MCaffrey but didn’t last long, bowled by Bateman for 3, which brought McGuinness to the crease. No doubt inspired by his brief cameo as captain, the latter blazed away from the off, finding the enormous leg-side boundary to get off the mark as McCaffrey dropped anchor at the other end. The pair added 24 in the next four overs before McCaffrey was bowled for 10 by the home side’s new youth prospect Dunhill. McGuinness was next to fall victim to the home-grown assassin, bowled for a rapid 21.

Dunhill then cemented his early bid for the Friendly Fire trophy by removing Watson in similar fashion for 2 as Mallards ended their 20 overs on a respectable 114-8, Thompson and Haylock both unbeaten on 1 apiece.

Mallards took to the field in chirpy mood, the usual ageing crew perhaps spurred by the youthful exuberance of Musset and Thompson. Such wild optimism reaped early reward when McGuinness, still revelling in praise of his batting, took a very sharp catch off his own bowling to dismiss the clearly gobsmacked Henton for 1.  Not standing on ceremony he followed this up in his second over, clean bowling Singh for 4 to reduce B and W to 18-2 from 4 overs.  But he wasn’t finished there. In his third over he lured youngster Abbas out of his crease and saw keeper Beacock sharply throw down the stumps from some distance back for a third wicket.

Watson, who had bowled very well at the other end for little reward then joined the party in his final over, producing a beauty to clean bowl new batsman Robbie for a duck. As the opening bowlers finished their spells, Mallards were starting to feel a sense of optimism having reduced the home side to 25-4 in 7 overs, Watson finishing with 1-16 and McGuinness an excellent 3-8.

New bowlers Musset and Haylock temporarily deflated that optimism, leaking 21 runs from the next two overs. However, both bowlers reacted well, changing their approach from then on: Musset reverted to spin from medium fast and Haylock stopped bowling pies. The brakes were firmly applied with just seven runs from the next five overs, the bowlers ably supported by the sharpest fielding performance in some time with many fine stops and returns pinning the batsmen down.

Musset finished his three-over spell for just five runs as an inspired bowling change from skipper Butcher saw Thompson take a wicket in his first over (his maiden wicket for Mallards!) bowling Banman for 0 to reduce the home team to 53-5 from 14 overs, needing 62 from the last six for victory.

Haylock then finished his spell, a fine 0-18 from four overs, his figures slightly marred by a six from his last ball from new batsman Hassan, who had replaced the retired opener Bell. Hassan now looked the only danger to Mallards victory hopes as he repeated the stroke from new bowler Nitsch clearing skipper Butcher by inches on the midwicket boundary.

Mallards were in no mood to let him deny them a first victory of the season though and Thompson and Nitsch maintained a solid off-stump line, backed up by more fine outfielding to keep the home team in their place, Hassan eventually being bowled by Thompson for 17, the bowler finishing with 2-19 from his four overs. Nitsch (0-8) finished the job, conceding just two singles from the final over as the away side ended their reply on 90-6, a Mallards victory by 24 runs.

There’s nothing like a gentle knockabout to get the season started – and this was nothing like a gentle knockabout to get the season started.

Opening opposition Seaton Burn took the opportunity to give several first-teamers a run-out while Mallards took the opportunity to give all their bowlers a game. Stand-in skipper Wood (all the elected hierarchy having clearly heard rumours of strong opposition) won the toss and chose to bowl to try and avoid a very early finish – an 18-over game was agreed to make sure the game didn’t finish in the dark.

A lop-sided Mallards team took to the field after playing a quick game of spot the batsman – the late withdrawal of the mighty Kent exacerbating a bowler-heavy problem.

Veterans Cleaver and Dunhill opened the bowling and both started well, just eight runs coming from the first couple of overs. Cleaver, in particular, was desperately unlucky not to get some early wickets, beating the bat several times and inducing a collection of top edges, all of which fell into gaps. After five overs, with the batting team having reached 33-0 they were replaced by Browne and Watson with the opening batsman well settled and the score continuing to mount. Five overs later it had reached 72-0 with both openers retired on 30. Haylock and McGuiness were the next two bowlers to step up and they both started well, Haylock bowling very neatly and McGuiness finally making a breakthrough with his first ball, bowling Garfield for 1.

Unfortunately, new batsman Fenwick was now finding his feet and the score continued to rise as the opposition reached 98-1 from 14 overs. Bowlers seven and eight, Wisbach and Nitsch came on to try their luck but there was none to be had as Seaton Burn finished on a hefty 136-1 from 18 overs. There’s little that can be said about the typically rusty early-season fielding – maybe try using hands next time out chaps – but special mention should be made of Wisbach and Haylock who have both clearly spent the winter perfecting their slow dive technique. Fine work, gentlemen.

Nitsch and McCaffery failed to avoid the skipper’s eye and were sent out to open the batting. Hopes that Seaton Burn would be generous were misplaced as the opening bowlers marked off their lengthy run-ups – a prelude to some early season chin music as Nitsch, in particular, had to perfect his ducking and diving. Runs were immediately hard to come by, only two from the first two overs. A brief flurry saw Mallards rise to 9 in the third over but that was a false peak as both openers were to perish on that total, Nitsch caught and bowled for 6 by Marshall (2 overs, 1 for 0) and McCaffery bowled by Adair for 3.  Gibbons and Wisbach arrived at the crease in close order and both started well, Gibbons finding the boundary from Radjiv, one of two sharp spinners brought on to continue the onslaught. The new pair settled things down as the score crept along to 19-2 in the eighth over when Gibbons fell to a simple catch from Singh.

Wood joined Wisbach at the crease and the scoreboard finally began to creep upwards as the pair added 20 in the next four overs, Wisbach, in particular, looking in good form. Unfortunately, with the score on 45, Wood called a quick single and his partner was left stranded by a sharp piece of fielding, run out for a well-made 18. A suitably penitent skipper hung his head in shame, so distracted that he then smashed a four to the boundary and was bowled next ball for 11 to leave the home side on 49-5 from 16 overs.  A brief flurry from McGuiness amid some hilarious yes-no-yes-no running with Browne ended with the former being unsurprisingly run out for 6 which still left time for Dunhill to be undone by a slower ball for 0 in the final over, Mallards eventually finishing on 57-7 with Browne unbeaten on 1 and Watson not out 0.

A difficult game played on a very cold night did not deter an excellent 100 per cent pub turn out as the beaten but unbowed Mallards shared dark, though unconfirmed, tales of senior defections to the Corbridge Cuckoos which will obviously be referred to the disciplinary panel. Hopefully harsh beer fines will result to deter any future infringements.

P.S. WE’VE GOT SIGHT SCREENS! TWO OF THEM. REAL ONES. LIKE PROPER CRICKETERS!

The history of mankind, of nations savage and civilised, of democracies and dictatorships, is scarred by violence, armed conflict and the futile waste of good, young, innocent life.

But some scars run deeper and heal slower than others, and none more so than when comrade is set against comrade, brother against brother. The origins of such bitter conflicts are many- territory, ancient grievances, contrived narratives, love, rejection, riches derived from the prolongation of suffering; but always at the centre is a scheming mind which sees an opportunity to manipulate the great powers through manipulation of the most powerless.

And so it was that 23^rd August 2016 saw  an Ovington Kestrels side arrive at Riding Mill to face the Mallards, who must have wondered if the generator and lights in the pavilion were working after all and they were able to see their own reflection in the dusty mirror. Here, ranged against the honest, gentle yeomen of the Valley, were such men as Aswini Dasika… Andy Horner… David Purves…  worse still, Brian Taylor… men who had worn a Mallards shirt that very season or who had at least made common cause with these peaceful eccentrics  time and again… and at the head of their snarling ranks, the mastermind himself, the Mallardian Machiavelli, Tony Jordon, the modern-day father of this Cain vs Abel tragedy (pictured)

No Mallard feared the firepower of these men, but the cold and rusty blade of treachery was felt deep before the first ball was bowled, but despite Skipper Browne’s gallant choice to face the traitors down and bat first, the wounded decency of the Mallards would not let them settle, and cost them early.

Scott perished first, lost in the confusion and panic of a burning village to be run out for 3 by the bowler, Terry. Kent was caught by the same man, worked out for 4 by Brian Taylor, who of course knew this place so well from the many warm welcomes it had given him… Kiel looked the part, drawing the sting of the invading horde with a dignified stay at the crease, before being caught off Terry, a man who perhaps did not know what Jordon had made him a part of and, as a result, was able to play with the unaffected decency of the innocent.

But Bennett knew these new-found foes as well as they knew him, and fought back with fury, sending flat, flaming arrows across the sky to record four 4s and two 6s in a rapid surge to retirement. At 44/3 with Bennett to come back, Mallards were holding out.

Hunt perished immediately through a lazy chip to the infield off Terry. Perhaps the fight in him had already gone. But Van Doorn, a mercenary with a conscience perhaps having returned to the Mallards from upriver, combined with Rawley to take the score to 64 before being bullied from the crease by the imposing Purves. Rawley took up the assault, advancing in short charges between periods of cautious accumulation. Cap’n Browne backed his man up with a late flurry, before both men fell near the end of the innings, Rawley cleaned up by the smiling, skidding assassin Dasika, and Browne bowled by the flinty Wallbanks – an honest foe, at least. Hayward and Haylock saw the innings out, and Mallards had set the Kestrels 105.

Taking the new ball, Cap’n Browne was perhaps still unsettled by injustice, conceding 9 off his first over to the marauding Hall and the other Terry, but steadied by a miserly Page at the other end, he found his rhythm. And Browne it was who struck, and twice! In his third over, Kent caught Terry, and the umpire found in favour of the righteous to send Hall packing. 30/2.

But Horner, as thick skinned as they come, patted singles around nonchalantly as though enjoying this dirty business. And then with cruel relish, he set about the last of Page and the nibbling Haylock, hammering two fours and two sixes before leaving the field in disdain for the ragged Mallards. Suddenly they had 82 on the board. Wallbanks had enjoyed himself alongside Horner and after a period of introspection,  decided to finish things before the sun poked between the trees at the bowler’s end. He saw the score to 103 before being trapped in front by Hunt for 24.

Kiel delivered a final blow for peace, honour and the spirit of cricket by bowling Bullock for 1, but the grinning Dasika, who had gone about his business almost unnoticed to make an unbeaten 8, saw the Kestrels home by six wickets in the final over, in the company of Terry, the man who had earlier sown such terror and panic among the Mallards, on this black and dirty day.

It is often said that the sun shines on the righteous, which means that the Mallards and assorted friends must be very righteous indeed as this year’s annual BBQ and Cricket Fiesta was blessed with perfect conditions, blazing sunshine, tons of burgers and, most importantly, a full chest of ice-cold beer (and other alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks!).

The growing popularity of the event saw around 30 players, young, old and decrepit turn up for a game, along with many families, out for a day’s sunshine and some increasingly inept cricket as the beer took hold. Three teams were handpicked by Mallards despot Taylor (G) who coincidentally surrounded himself with a strong-looking side. A round-robin structure was agreed with each team playing twice, 12 overs an innings and some arcane restrictions on both bowling and batting to prevent the handful of half-decent players around having undue influence on the results.

Team B went out to bat first against a youthful-looking Team A, notwithstanding the veteran opening bowlers Cleaver and Taylor (B).  The game started sluggishly, an early drop from Taylor (B) setting the tone for later, equally sloppy drops by Gardner M and Kent S.

Fortunately the first of these drops proved insignificant when the culprit quickly made up for his error by bowling his namesake Taylor D for just 2. Bennett soon followed him back to the pavilion for 8, bowled by Cleaver.

Bullock, however, took advantage of the second dropped catch by becoming the first of many of the day’s batsmen to retire for 20 before Cleaver showed the others how to catch the ball to remove Hunt for 7. Kent then quickly made up for his dropped catch, from his own first ball, clean bowling Scutt with his next effort for just 2.  B team captain Airey and Elliot managed to prevent further loss as the innings ended on a below-par 66-4 from 12.

Team B Captain Cox led from the front in his team’s response, rattling off a quickfire 22, including three fours and a six – more boundaries than the opposition had managed between them.  He was ably supported by Gardner M, who added another three boundaries to the total in his unbeaten 20.

In between those fine knocks Green S (the senior Green) compiled a painstaking 6 and an early victory was prevented by a late flurry of wickets as Gardner R fell to Airey for 5 showing no mercy to the junior element, Wilson was bowled by Hunt for 2, Cox P (who had travelled all the way from Christchurch to play) was run out for 3 and Cleaver was stumped from his first ball for 0. Despite this late drama, Team B cruised to victory with 4 balls remaining, reaching 71-4 at the close.

After a brief break, a weary Team A crawled slowly back on to the field to take on the refreshed Team C (refreshed by a few beers while waiting to start that is.)  McCaffrey, who seemed more ‘refreshed’ than most (possibly mixing something non-alcoholic but similarly narcotic with his diet coke) swung heartily to little avail as the innings got off to a slow start, only 5 runs coming from the first two overs. Wood’s slogged four from Hunt in the third over got things going however and the scoreboard ticked over a little quicker before McCaffery finally succumbed to Wisbach for 8. Buckley’s arrival saw the scoring rate quicken and when Wood was bowled by Gardner B for 16 in the 7^th over it had reached a respectable 43-2.

The arrival of Dasika to join Buckley speeded things up further as the pair moved through the gears adding 29 runs in the next three overs before they both retired on 20 and 23 respectively, an unusually scratchy Van Doorn and Benson seeing the innings to its conclusion on a very healthy 83-2.

Team B started like a team whose fate was already sealed, captain Airey and Gardner B finding it hard to get after bowlers Watson and Dasika and after four overs the scoreboard had crept along to just 12. Things were about to get worse. New bowler Benson hit his stride immediately, clean-bowling Airey and Wisbach from successive balls. Buckley bowling at a pace that made Club Captain Stig’s ‘even slower ball’ look rapid, also started well having Haylock caught for just 1 to leave the B Team in deep trouble at 17-4 at the halfway stage. Fortunately Taylor D was settling in nicely and averted a total collapse, gradually moving the score up through the thirties and forties before retiring for a well-made 20. Bennett joined the patient Gardner B (who had somehow survived having his bail clipped by a quick ball from Green S – a controversial selection to bowl when acting as a sub fielder which drew howls of protest from the pavilion) Gardner saw his long innings finally came to an end with a run out as they managed to reach 63-4 to lose by 20 runs, their second defeat in a row.  On the plus side they now had first dibs at the burgers from the now fully lit barbecue carefully positioned so that the smoke was blowing directly towards the wicket and not forgetting beer (or other refreshments) as the two winning teams now had to play-off in what had become a final.

For the second game in a row Team C batted first, this time with bowling hero Benson opening with Van Doorn. Things got off to a sticky start when the latter was bowled for 0 by Green D but the arrival of Nitsch (complete with a runner) got things moving. The injured batsman’s stand-and-hit policy paid off immediately as he carved a couple of boundaries away to get the innings going – albeit batting with marginally less foot movement than usual gave him an excellent opportunity to test out his protective equipment (and recent hernia op scar) with one delivery from Green Sr. Ably supported by Benson the pair started to ensure that Team C would at least have a decent target to defend. More boundaries came from both batsmen as Nitsch retired on a rapid 21 to bring Taylor to the wicket, his innings starting with a fine drive from the much-feared opposition captain Cox. Benson finished his innings with a flourish, another boundary in a well-made 23. New batsmen Watson and McCaffrey perished for the cause, both chasing quick runs, the former bowled by Gardner M, the latter caught and bowled by Wilson. Wood joined Taylor G at the crease and the pair saw the innings home, a respectable 77 with Taylor G, 12 not out.

Team A sent out Cleaver and Kent E to try and win the game, and thus the competition, the latter’s innings quickly ended by Van Doorn, who despite captain’s instructions to bowl wide of the crease, clean-bowled the youngster for 0 (an identical delivery to an earlier ball that had had been belatedly called no-ball, mostly by the fielding side.) Green D joined Cleaver at the crease and the game went into a strange stalemate, the batsmen unable to get the ball away, and the bowlers bowling just wide enough to get away with it. Something had to give as the scoreboard slowly reached 19-1 from 7 overs, 59 required to win from just 5 overs.  Green D was then run out for 8, brutally sacrificed by the harsh Cleaver, and brother Green P quickly followed, caught behind by Wood off of Benson. Kent S was sent in to try and raise the scoring rate but quickly became the second run-out victim, a diving direct hit from the excellent Benson giving umpire Wisbach little choice but to reluctantly raise his finger. Taylor B now joined the fray but with 44 runs required from the last two overs things were looking bleak.

Cleaver, having tried to break new records by batting through the innings without reaching double figures, just failed in his bid, bowled by Nitsch for 8 to bring the team’s last hope, skipper Cox to the crease. Even for him it was a forlorn cause, after carving a four and a huge six from Wood’s first three balls he perished trying to repeat the trick, top-edging the ball high into the air to be well-caught by Nitsch for 14. The final ball of the innings saw Taylor B run out for 6 as Team B finished on 52-7, Team C running out comfortable winners by 25 runs.

Technically Team C won the day, but only thanks to a suspiciously biased team selection policy by the Club Despot, however it was all academic. The real winner was a great afternoon’s cricket, played in a good spirit by all, with everyone getting their chance to shine. Special mention should go to the Gardners – all three of the male members of the family managing to take a wicket for their troubles – but the individual Man of the Day award must go to Team C’s Benson, leading wicket-taker with 3, the only man to take two wickets in a spell, an unbeaten 23 with the bat and a direct run-out to boot.

Thanks to the many people who contributed to making it a fabulous day, particularly to Julie Gardner, Ellie and Holly who took on sorting the pile of burger buns and organising the food distribution (plus also the local Riding Mill team member whose name we all managed to forget for also taking on some of the barbecuing duty); Peter N for getting the food and the drink; Johnny B for his last-minute pitch mowing and, last but not least the venerable Mr Heslop for his excellent umpiring. And most importantly not to forget all the families who came and supported the event – hope they enjoyed a lovely end to the season as much as the players clearly did.

However even though the sport fixtures are over, don’t forget that we do run a social calendar.  This will include the Captain’s Curry Night (which Captain Stig has generously offered to pay (look at the last line of his report!) for everyone’s spicy repast) sometime during this autumn and, of course, the Annual Dinner which will be held towards the end of January where season stats will be revealed and those much coveted awards will be given out.

It was, as the journalists say, a slow news day. The Rio Olympics had closed and after weeks of record-breaking, medal-winning athleticism the media had no more sporting prowess to report other than the contortions of a second-rate politician sitting on the floor of a Virgin train (all such mis-guided opinions are the second-rate writer’s own and definitely not those of the editor!). So when acting-captain Cox sent his first two batsmen out onto the sunlit fields of Riding Mill on Thursday 24 August, he had little idea that what was to follow would be a team display that would astound the viewing public and simultaneously consolidate the reputation of the appropriately named Mallards Cricket Club.

The first few overs progressed innocuously enough. Openers Kent and Taylor knocked the ball around smartly and the Kings School Old Boys attack, accurate and pacey though it was, were wicket-less: Mallards scoring 30 in five overs. Bowlers Ferris and Anderson were replaced and then the nature of the contest changed. Taylor was the first to go, playing three dot balls before skying a delivery from Black to be caught in the deep. He was replaced by Horner, who scored a quick couple of boundaries and so normal service was presumed to be restored. But then lanky, stubble-bearded D. Gregg came into the attack. His first delivery was laughable: hoisting a slow, high, looping ball into the ether with all the speed, venom and potential danger of an orbiting suet pudding. Falling to earth, however, it re-entered the troposphere with as much effect as Sir Isaac Newton’s apple, or Hitler’s first V1 buzz-bomb. That is to say its impact destroyed the rules of physics – it was revolutionary, game-changing; what Joseph Schumpeter would describe as an act of creative destruction. Kent was clean bowled for 18. Who was smiling now?

The rest of Gregg’s over was as blackly comedic as his first ball and though Horner was able to dispatch one delivery over the boundary, this gave no hint of what was to come. In his second over, Sandhu was shockingly clean bowled by another suet pudding from Gregg for 2. Incoming and just as rapidly outgoing, Jordon was clean bowled next by Gregg for a golden duck. Thompson blocked the potential hat-trick ball but swished away at the one that followed to be yet again clean bowled by Gregg for another duck. Horner, watching from the non-striker’s end could not believe the staggering surrender of his team mates…until he faced the slow-turning pudding thrower in his third over and was, you guessed it, clean bowled for 15. Gregg’s figures at this stage were three overs, 5 wickets – all clean-bowled [and all to ugly cross-batted swipes by the batsmen – ed.] – for 9 runs. After a brisk start, Mallards had subsided for 45 for 6 off nine overs. Blitzed!

Bennett and Cox came to the crease and, although able to stay there, could do little to dent Gregg’s figures – who retired after a fourth over that conceded only two more runs. With him gone, Bennett was eventually able to blast a six and a four before being caught going for another maximum at deep long-on. Cox added a curiously circumspect 7 and Rawlley 2. Mallards finished on a frugal 81 after 18 overs.

Haylock and Cleaver opened the bowling for Mallards and kept it fairly tight (barring a couple of looser deliveries) to hold the Old Boys to 24 after five overs – Haylock being rewarded with one batsman, Sample, holing out to Kent on the long-on boundary and the other batsman, Moir, hitting his own wicket going for a big sweep.

At this stage, King’s Old Boys were behind the run rate but now Roe and Latimer were in the middle and they promptly set to work to redress the balance. Despite the continuing efforts of Haylock, Cleaver and incoming bowlers Bennett, Cox and Horner, the score progressed rapidly. In desperation, Bennett even attempted to imitate the looping-pudding style of Gregg’s earlier artillery, but all to no avail. The required target of 81 was overhauled with no further loss of wickets in just twelve overs – the final run coming from a leg bye called by an unrepentant Roe denying his team-mate the chance to actually score the winning run off the bat. An ignominious finish.

Sprawled shell-shocked and defeated in the Wellington afterwards, all the Mallards could do was reflect on the carnage caused by a series of innocent-looking projectiles that ‘didn‘t come on to the bat,’ as some complained. And then came the final sting in the tail: in circulating the score-book, certain members were dismayed to discover that Old Boys batsman Latimer had knocked off 41 runs without retiring– thus denying the Mallards attack the chance of bowling at the King’s lower order and thereby the opportunity (well, it might have been possible!) of snatching victory at the death. A cruel post-script! [actually I think the retirement had been agreed at 50 – ed.]

A little later, when your correspondent phoned the BBC team on Test Match Special to say: ‘you won’t believe this cricket – it rivals the Olympics for entertainment!’ the reply came back: ‘You’re right. We don’t believe it.’ One Geoffrey Boycott added: ‘My uncle Algy could have done better with a stick of rhubarb’. Maybe that’s true. We are not called the Mallards for nothing.

Mallards gathered at Bill Quay in fine spirits on a pleasant evening, looking forward to the always warm welcome and a game of cricket played in a friendly manner by our ever amiable hosts Bill Quay, or to give them their Sunday name – The Umpires.

Spirits were further raised by the news that we had international visitors. Mr and Mrs Cox having read (and I am reliably told, enjoyed) reports of Mallards (mis?) fortunes over the past 2 seasons via the wonders of the world wide web, decided to make the 20,648 mile round trip from Christchurch, New Zealand just to watch the Mighty Mallards in action, oh and to see their son Dave while they were here! At this point I should probably apologise to Mr and Mrs C as apparently they particularly enjoy the witty, well-written and occasionally educational match reports. Sadly the clever clogs that normally write the reports are all away or just couldn’t be a**** to write this one so you’re stuck with me doing it – a creatively challenged halfwit with the memory of a gold fish with Alzheimers! I would say thanks to the person who fed me that line on the night, but predictably I’ve forgotten who it was! As compensation I have included an appropriate photo atop this report to alleviate any homesickness that may have allayed our visiting Kiwis. Fortunately the scorebook was filled in impeccably for the Mallards innings, (less so for Bill Quay) so read on for an accurate(ish) account of the nights proceedings.

Mallards lost the toss and were invited to bat first. Steel and Butcher opened the innings and safely negotiated the 1st over with 3 singles coming from it. However Steel, clearly affected by the absence of Kent his usual opening partner, was unable to forge a lasting partnership with Butcher and he took an uncharacteristic swipe at the 1st ball of the 2nd over and was bowled by the fairly rapid (and considerably younger) Clayton for 2. Cox was in next and buoyed by the presence of his watchful parents and keen to impress, started fluently. He was enjoying the fast bouncy wicket and dispatched anything short, his first 3 scoring shots all being 4’s. Butcher was content to watch Cox deal with the pacier Clayton from the other end while trying his luck against the steady but largely unthreatening Hamblett. Cleary he was enjoying watching a little too much as after hitting a four through the covers he repeated the shot and stood admiring his efforts seemingly oblivious to the fielder sprinting round the boundary and Cox charging down the wicket screaming at him to run! Eventually Butcher started running and got lucky as the bowler fumbled a fine throw in from the boundary and another run was added to the total. Sadly he was unable to make the most of his reprieve as shortly afterwards he was comprehensively bowled by a fast full (inswinging?!) ball from Clayton for 6, with the score 29 – 2 at the start of the 6th. This quickly became 29 – 3 as Jordon could only get a glove to a shorter ball from Clayton and was caught behind. McCaffrey then joined Cox and they kept the score board moving with a mix of good hitting and enthusiastic running. Cox was in fine nick hitting 5 fours and a six in his 30 before retiring in the 8th with the score on 45.

Wood was in at 6, lower than usual as the skipper had finally succumbed to weeks of hinting (some might might say nagging) and planned to utilise his “much under-used” (his words not mine!) bowling later on. McCaffrey was batting nicely but was deceived by the pitch as he hit one straight back to the bowler instead of to the boundary as planned and fell for a entertaining 14. Beacock joined Wood and continued his recent run of form despite pulling a calf muscle and requesting a runner. Cox, now a grizzled veteran of the squad, had wisely kept his pads on and was clearly not in the mood for small talk with his parents despite them flying round the world to see him thus volunteered. Wood (who bizarrely also picked up a muscle pull) and Beacock both picked the gaps in the field nicely to bring the score to a healthy 92 – 4 after 14 before somewhat surprisingly Wood picked out a fielder for a fine 20 having helped put on 35 in 5 and a bit overs, despite the pair’s difficulty in running. Thompson and Benson then both fell cheaply, both caught off the bowling of Sweeney to leave the Mallards faltering on 98 for 7 after 16 overs. Beacock finally succumbed to his lack of mobility and was bowled for a very respectable 24 that included 4 fours. Haylock went down swinging a few balls later bringing Cox back to the crease again. With Cleaver picking up singles and Coxy hitting another 6 and 2 more 4s, 20 runs came off the last 2 overs to take the score to a very decent 130 with Cox finishing on 46, a great effort albeit short of the 50 that was mistakenly shown on the fancy electronic scoreboard!

Beacock was unable to take to the field so Wood took up the wicket keeping gloves despite his own  injury, unfortunately b****ing up the Skipper’s carefully thought-out bowling plans! Mallards did take to the field with an unexpected bowling replacement as Bill Quay native Tom Browne, who had been watching, kindly nipped home to change into his whites and sub for Peter but sadly as a sub he was ineligble to bowl [or put another way the captain was too polite to ask the opposition for permission – ed.].

The experienced Cleaver opened the bowling from the greenhouse end (your reporter can still hear the smashing of glass after his bowling was deposited over the fence several seasons ago!) and bowled well, beating the bat on several occasions and inducing a genuine edge through a sadly vacant 1st slip but also going for runs from a decent looking batting duo. The less experienced (at least for Mallards) Benson opened from the road end and was unlucky to see a very confident appeal turned down off his very first ball. Both bowlers had figures of 0 for 9 after 1 over and 0 for 15 after 2 but their fortunes then differed as Cleaver managed to get Howard caught behind by Wood in his 3rd over and finished his 4 overs with 1 – 27 which was pretty respectable in the face of some impressive batting. Sadly Benson took the brunt of some powerful hitting in his last 2 overs including 2 sizeable 6s finishing on 0 for 44 but at least managed to see off Sweeney as he retired on 35! Each 6 resulted in a change of ball, and it was at this point that our club despot, having finally turned up to spectate, elected to rummage in the team kitbag and throw a pink match ball into the ring.

With ball visibility vastly improved, Cox and Haylock took over bowling duties intent on slowing down the run rate, but although Cox cleaned up White with a beauty that had the umpire extolling its virtues, they went for 9 and 10 runs respectively in their first overs leaving Bill Quay on 90 – 2 after 10, seemingly on course for a comfortable victory. Cox and Haylock however had other ideas, Haylock bowling tightly  conceding just 12 runs off his next 3 to finish with 0- 22 off 4 overs and Cox really getting up a head of steam and bowling genuinely fast, beating the bat on numerous occasions in admittedly fading light and getting Little neatly caught behind by the stand-in keeper Wood off a thin edge to finish with 2 – 23 off his 4.  At 116 – 3 off 16 overs with the light getting worse and the big hitters seemingly back in the pavilion the game was still in the balance which had seemed unlikely just 6 overs previously. With Wood behind the stumps and the Skipper unconvinced his own unique brand of ‘even slower’ balls would do the trick, McCaffrey and Steel took over to try and finish the job. Sadly despite some decent bowling and 2 wickets for McCaffrey including a great catch in the deep by Cox (show off!) the Umpires managed to finish in style with a 6 to win by 5 wickets with 7 balls to spare. Special mention must go to stand-in keeper Wood who conceded just 1 bye in the entire innings despite having to keep to the very rapid Cox in poor light, with a couple of balls actually knocking Trev off his feet – top effort.

Unfortunately we were unable to get the win that both Dave Cox and his parents’ efforts deserved but none the less I think it was a hugely enjoyable game played in the right spirit – I know for certain that Bill Quay appreciate our efforts and always look forward to our visit which I think says a lot for Mallards both on and off the pitch. As always we retired to the bar where club despot Gareth did his best to lift everyone’s spirits by dishing out shed loads of crisps and even introducing Mrs C to the epicurian delights of pork scratchings – that’s got to be worth the trip alone!

On a personal note, I am now away on holiday for 2 weeks and will miss the rest of the season (no cheering please!) so would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone who has played this season and made my first season as skipper such an enjoyable one despite scoring even less runs than usual! Also thanks to Dave McGuinness for sorting fixtures, Pete Nitsch for looking after the Riding Mill pitch, Leon and Peter for financial wrangling, Vice Skippers Glen and Dave C for winning more games than me! and last but not least Gareth for being the glue that holds Mallards together. Apologies if I have forgotten anyone!

Go well for the rest of the season and keep your eyes peeled for news of the ‘Captain’s Curry Night’ to be held in October(ish).  I’ve just come up with the name so no fixed plans yet but pretty sure it will involve the Captain and curry! And I will gladly pay for everyone who comes! [this last sentence may have been edited slightly – ed.]