The Old Firm, El Classico, The Ashes,  Ali/Frazier, Connors/McEnroe, Prost/Senna….all classic examples of sporting rivalries, and all, without question, infinitely more skilful than the talents on show in the bi-annual Mallards/Genetics cricket contest.

Under gloomy skies, and with a decidedly poor weather forecast, these two giants of North East friendly cricket gathered to do battle for the first time this year for the coveted Jon Robinson trophy.

A quick head count saw both skippers agreeing to 12 a side, and Genetics captain Gardner won the toss and elected to bat, just as the drizzle began to fall.

Gardner and Ashwini were the Genetics openers, with Cox starting from the end that normally has the sun behind it, not tonight.  Cox with excellent lines and finding an edge from Gardner that ran down to the third man boundary. Watson started from the field end and grabbed a breakthrough with the last ball of the over, Gardner caught by McCaffrey, 11-1 after 2 overs.

Tarbuck strode to the crease and Cox found another edge – this time wicketkeeper Kent deflected the ball away from the always reliable Scott at 1^st slip.  Scott’s chance would come again though, as Tarbuck got a thick edge from Watson’s bowling in the very next over. Down it went again however.  Ashwini was into his stride now, launching Cox for an impressive straight six, and continuing to score quickly off new bowlers Bateman and Dunhill.  Dunhill did take the wicket of Tarbuck for 13, going through his shot too early and seeing the ball smack into the top of off – textbook.

Ashwini had his feet up in the pavilion by now having retired, the rain was starting to get heavier, as were the bowlers, with Scott now coming on to bowl.  Bennett and Van Doorn were the two new batsmen, Gibbons kept it tight at the other end, Scott offered up a juicy full toss to Bennett which was despatched with ease.  After 8 overs Genetics were accelerating on 58/2.  Scott, however, picked up his first wicket this season, bowling van Doorn for a well-made 13, before Bennett hit a six to earn his retirement.

Taylor sent down a very tidy over indeed, how it went for 20 runs I’ll never know!  Wood then bowled a load of dross that only went for 1 run.  I’m writing this a few days after the game and can’t be entirely sure I’ve got the descriptions right for the two bowlers here…. (was so tempted to correct this – Ed.)

McCaffrey removed Jordon for a duck, clean-bowled and Deon perished to skipper Butcher LBW for 18.

Lucas joined in with the wicket of Hamid, bowled for 0.  After 17 overs Genetics had got to an impressive 129/6 – now with Goulding and Wisbach at the crease, McCaffrey putting down an identical chance to the one he caught earlier. Goulding began finding boundaries with ease and was supported well by Wisbach – who eventually fell to a fine delivery from Bateman, full and swinging in, not much he could have done about that.  That was to prove the final wicket as Mitcheson smashed a quality 4 in the final over to bring the innings to a close on 150/7.  An intimidating target.

The target looked to be even more unlikely as the rain began to get heavier and heavier, travelling Dave Heslop announcing “it doesn’t look very good over there”.

Still, as the Senior Groundsman was on holiday and nobody wanted to be the one to text him and ask if we could keep playing, we carried on.  Kent and Taylor to the crease.  With such a large target ahead boundaries and quick singles were crucial, Taylor however did seem intent on running the quickest singles ever to be taken in the history of quick singles.  Kent was having none of it, sending him back with metronomic regularity.  It was Goulding that was to strike first, bowling Taylor for 1.  (The scorebook said 0 but Taylor, suspiciously changed it to 1 post-match – ed.)

McCaffrey came in next, timed a gorgeous cut shot for 2 off Goulding, and then tried the same shot the next ball only to clip it straight to an unnamed fielder – who was doing the scorebook??!!! The rain continued to fall, it must have been bad as B. Taylor sent down a slower ball.  Lots of umming and ahh-ing on the boundary, should we call it off?  We were 12/3 after 4 overs, with Wood departing for 0, also to Gouding. The verdict was unanimous (amongst the Mallards) we’d best call this off lads.

Cox smashed a 4 then a 6 off Wisbach’s first two balls of the 5^th over – that rain really wasn’t that bad you know and there were definitely gaps in the clouds.  The wicket now looked like something a “tough mudder” would enjoy, but that was frankly irrelevant.  Sensing defeat, Gardner called it when offered by umpire Taylor and sadly that was the last play of the evening as the covers went on [in a spree of coordination that the Chuckle bros would have been proud of – ed.].

With no hope of further play it was off to the pub, where the fun continued.  Could Genetics statisticians please record a drop from Gardner, as his packet of crisps went tumbling behind the bar and into the slops bucket.

Good craic & average cricket, the hallmark of these two fine teams.  Match fees were collected for fundraising in memory of Jon Rob.  Fingers crossed for better weather for the second fixture in a few weeks (and firing up the BBQ!).

One of the best things about playing at Clara Vale is the trip to The Boathouse afterwards. The Boathouse is a wonderful pub, good enough that the best of us can drop our guards. It started when Tony Cleaver, a multiple-times published author, revealed he has never written a Mallards match report and despite much peer pressure and goading, he couldn’t be convinced to write this one. So, with undeserved levels of confidence I offered to act as ghostwriter and write in the style of an economist. Unfortunately I know precisely nowt about this topic, and after a night spent researching the 2008/9 resurgence in Keynsian theory, I concluded that a) the level of bullshit inherent in the world of economics far exceeds that which is acceptable in a MCC match report, and b) by pursuing this field, Tony has wasted his life.

I of course invite TC to reply to this accusation by writing the next report. 

2016 has been reasonably kind to the Mallards, with plenty of new faces showing up through the year, however it was a collection of grizzled old pros that gathered at Clara Vale to take on Ovingham . A couple of late team changes saw Bennett take Taylor’s place for MCC, while Jordon, perhaps looking to put in a case for the friendly fire award, donned opposition colours for the evening.

Stig either won or lost the toss, and we were to bat first on a pitch that was only discernible from the outfield by the presence of creases at each end. Kent and Steel were first up and started strongly. Both batsmen were able to negotiate the extremely variable bounce with apparent ease, and rattled the score along to 43 in the 7th over before Kent retired (25 being the house rules for retirement score). Cox was in at three and looked to pick up where Kent left off, hitting a quick pair of boundaries.

Steel was the first man out, trying to go over the top and sending a steepler to long-off from the bowling of Wallbank. This started a bit of a wobble, Cox tried to lift bowler Drake over long on only to be caught right on the rope for 11.

Wilson and Lucas continued to look positive, but both fell cheaply, for 2 and 5 respectively. The score faltered along to 84/4 after 13; still solid but these well travelled folk know just how wrong a good start can go. Beakers and Bennett however, had set out on a wonderful partnership, finding that same rhythm that Kent and Steel had earlier on. They moved the score on to 112 before Bennett reached 25 and retired in the 17th.

Butcher, wielding Lucas’s new (or new-looking anyway!) bat and under clear instructions to not damage it, showed Lucas exactly who was in charge of who as he hammered his first ball backward of square for four. The 17th was a good over for us, as we took 16 runs off it, and we were looking set for a decent score. Beakers was properly into his stride now too, and the last few overs were seen out, ending in a massive score of 145/4;  Beacock 21* and Butcher 11*, T Drake the best of the bowlers with 3/22. I’m pretty sure this is our best total in the last couple of years.

By this stage, the sun was out and the evening was promising to turn into a cracker, just right for some Boathouse beer-garden action! We slowly prepared for the defence of our score, with TC positively chomping at the bit to get amongst it – he must have marked out his run four or five times by the time the batsmen appeared.

145 was a good score, but a practised eye could see a few batsmen amongst their lot, so no eggs were being counted at this stage. Cleaver and van Doorn shared the new ball, and fears about batting talent were shown to be realised. Whilst not getting out of hand, there weren’t many signs of taking wickets either. And the two openers, Ashfield and Miller were able to keep a rate of 6 and over going without much bother, however some good fielding stopped things from spiralling. At 36/0 after 6, the first bowling change came with Cox replacing Cleaver and McGuinness replacing van Doorn.

Neither were able to find the breakthrough, and both openers soon reached 25 and retired. New batsmen Tate and Jordon were unable to match the earlier pace and a few quiet overs quickly pushed the needle back towards MCC. However we were still wicketless after 12 overs when the next bowling change came at 67/0.

Bennett finally found the breakthrough in the 13th however, as Jordon was caught by Cleaver for 1. The calm was disturbed a little in the next over as Wilson took a while to find his line, no thanks to the umpire (I’m looking in your direction, Taylor!) Bennett struck again in his second over, as Tate was caught by Lucas, doing his best Trevor impression and hitting the deck hard afterwards. He later claimed it was cramp – nobody believed him.

By this point the game was still up for grabs, at 97/2 after 16. But the skipper had faith and brought on Steel (remember that hat-trick anybody?) in the 17th. Steel didn’t disappoint and teamed up with Beacock for a stumping off his first ball. At the other end, Butcher brought himself on and managed to ignore the sledging from his own camp to bowl a very tight line.

The score tottered along to 119/3 after 19 overs. 27 required off the last, surely we were safe…

Bang, Stig strikes, a fine overhead catch from Kent at midwicket and they’re four down with three balls left and still on 119. Seven runs off the final three ballls weren’t enough and MCC had done well to keep our nerve after a strong start by the opposition to clinch victory by 19 runs.

Cap it off with a wonderful sunset down the pub, and it was not a bad evening at all. However next week sees the first of this year’s John Rob Cup matches, so let’s hope the strong form continues – I have a good feeling this year!

Sparta have become somewhat of a bogey team for the Mallards over recent years so the question was could the revitalized Mallards of 2016 vintage break the hoodoo?

For those of you who aren’t fans of the lengthy Mallards match reports, a clue to the outcome of the game can be found in Peter Nitsch’s post match remark, “well aa’al the Sparta lads are cricketers!” (Peter can be hired for motivational speaking – just contact the bar staff in the Welly)

Anyhow back to the game.  Glenn (balls of) Steel was standing in for Butcher as captain and with Beakers having a fitting for his new mask. Steve (cymbals) Kent was behind the stumps.  The book doesn’t record whether Mallards won the toss, but the end result was that Mallards would have a bowl. Steel turned to the dependable Dunhill and the Blyth Bullet (Watson) to open the bowling.  If you can be arsed to read on, this pair emerge as the starring players in this match report.  Sparta’s opening batsman (Nelson) decided he was in no mood for messing around and quickly set about Dunhill hitting 6 runs off the first 3 balls.  However, the wily old fox {or is that ferret? – ed.} struck back with his 4th ball pouching a sharp caught and bowled effort to knock Nelson off his column.

At the tree & chair end Watson’s first over was steady but produced no further breakthroughs.   So back to the wily old fox who instructed McGuinness to drop to deep mid on for the start of his second over.  The field change produced instant results as Pearson holed out to McGuinness (for his 6th catch of the season) reducing Sparta to 12 for 2.  Could Mallards be about to break the Sparta hoodoo? Please, read on….

The Blyth Bullet (poor man’s Ashington Express) piled on the pressure but could not quite make the breakthrough and at the end of the 4th over Sparta had moved on to 23 for 2. Spratt had been causing Mallards plenty of problems but in the 5th over he became Dunhill’s 3rd victim, clean bowled for 15.  Watson’s third yielded just 2 runs as Sparta nudges into the thirties and  Dunhill’s final over was notable for what could have been.  First Dunhill failed to keep hold of a fierce caught and bowled chance and then the usually dependable McGuinness spilled a steepler on the boundary.  Sadly a very rare Mallard’s five wicket hall had slipped from Dunhill’s grasp, however, his figures of  4 overs 3 wickets for 10 runs were still mighty impressive. Could the evening get any better for Dunners?

Watson finished his spell of 4 overs with no reward for 25 runs.  Sparta stuttering at 39 for 2 from 8 overs.  Mallards were in need of a strike bowler, Wood had been whirling his arms like a newly installed wind turbine but skipper Steel had other ideas turning to the ace up his sleeve Aly Hall.  Hall was joined in the attack by Kiwi Cox.  Hall’s and Cox’s first overs both went for 6 as Sparta began to go through the gears. Marshall was particularly punishing and took a liking to Hall’s swing bowling. At the end of the 11th over Sparta had moved on to 65 for 3.  The Mallards were desperately in need of a wicket to break the Sparta momentum. And, on cue, up stepped (Dickie Hadlee) Cox to bowl Douglas and then Simpson in successive overs slowing Sparta to 66 for 4 off 12 overs.  Hall (3 overs 0 for 22) was given the hook by Steel and on in his place came Joel ‘Big Bird’ Mexter.  Mexter started with a canny over which conceded 5 runs.   At the other end Dickie Hadlee (Cox) was really hitting his straps and causing the Sparta batsmen all kinds of problems but sadly his spell had to come to end (4 overs, 2 for 10).  Steel began to scratch his head, who could join Mexter to finish the innings?  Wood by this point was whirling his arms like a windmill in a force 10 gale but Steel once again ignored , the eager ex-skipper, opting for the Mallards {allegedly – ed.} leading (but slightly expensive) wicket-taker McGuinness.  Langley took an instant liking to McGuinness’ buffet bowling, whacking him for 16 quickfire runs before McGuinness caught him ‘rope a dope’ style – plum in front lbw. At the other end ‘Big Bird’ Mexter began to bound in to the calypso beat, first Langley (6) and then Hunter for 0 were dismissed, both caught by Wood, who performed his customary ‘I have been shot by a sniper’ roll on the floor for both catches).

The scorebook begins to dry up at this point but Sparta ended their innings at around 115 runs from their 20 overs with the impressive Marshall unbeaten on 36 after returning for another go at the tiring Mallards attack. Mexter finished with the impressive figures of 3 overs 2-14.  McGuinness’ figures are frankly as embarrassing as they have been most of the season but he did manage to snaffle his 10th wicket of the season (blatant self-promotion).

Mallards strode out to bat, chasing a gettable total somewhere between 115-120, (thanks to the lackadaisical scorekeeping).  The spring in the Mallards batsmen’s step did not last long as Langley bowled majestically removing Kent with the 3rd ball of his opening wicket maiden.  Cox joined Steel at the wicket but runs still proved hard to come by and despite doggedly hanging around for a few overs Steel perished for 1 in the fourth over driving straight to a fielder (like a bullet out of a gun – according to the skipper).  Mallards were rocking on 14 for 2.  Cox had managed to eke out a few runs but was not at his fluent best.  Next in was Hall who also found scoring runs against the miserly Sparta attack tough. Sparta by this point where using the opportunity to give the whole team some bowling practice, switching bowlers every 2 overs, unfortunately, for Mallards it seems the whole Sparta team can turn their arm over.

Cox eventually began to find his radar and hit a few good boundaries. He was ably supported by Hall as they steadied the good ship Mallard.  By the 9th over Mallards had managed to grind their way to 46.  However, Hall perished in the next over for a useful 12.  Swiftly followed by Wood who was run out by a direct hit for 1 whilst trying to up the scoring rate.  Next in was Lucas who managed to keep Cox company for a while and also score 2 lusty boundaries. Sadly Lucas was caught in the 12th over going for another big hit.  Cox was also soon to retire after a persistent innings of 30.  Next at the crease and bound to strike fear into the Sparta attack were new batsmen, Jordan and McGuinness at the wicket.  Jordan wasted no time in going for a quick/kamakazi single which resulted in his innings ending, run out for 0. ‘That’s another fine mess you have got me into Stanley’, Jordan was heard to utter as he trudged from the crease.  McGuinness faired little better and struggle to pick Marshall who couldn’t decide whether to bowl spin or medium pace. He rapidly dispatched McGuinness for another duck (McGuinness obviously not giving up the Mallards Duck Award without a fight).

Mallards were really in the soup now, the scorebook {again, grrrrr – ed.} is a little hazy but it looks as a flurry of wickets left them at 74 for 7.  Next in was Mexter who survived possibly the plumbest LBW shout of the century thanks to Wood’s myopic umpiring only to fall a couple of balls later for 2.  By this point it was looking hopeless for Mallards. The defiant Watson managed to thump a rare boundary but runs were proving increasingly hard to come by for the Mallards’ tail.  With Cox eager to return to the fray Watson set off for a very ambitious single which left Dunhill stranded in the traps.  The usually phlegmatic Dunhill proceeded to explode, grinding to a halt, hands on hips in the centre of the wicket and bellowing at Watson, “Are you f%@!ing stupid????”.  This grossly un-Mallardian conduct puts Dunhill neck and neck with another Mallard (who shall remain nameless) for the Strop of the Year Award.  Despite successfully getting Cox back to the wicket Watson now struggled to hit the ball to get the Kiwi All-star back on strike.  Watson was then caught off the bowling of Roe for 4 and the Mallards innings petered out with a whimper.  The scorebook is very ropey and it appears the Mallards innings ended on somewhere around 95 a good 20 to 30 runs short of the Sparta total – whatever that ended up being….

Both teams headed for the Wellington whilst Dunhill headed home for his tomahawk as Watson cowered in the changing rooms fearing the murderous glint in Dunhill’s eye.  In truth, Mallards were outplayed by Sparta but who cares, we play for the fun, the camaraderie and amazing gongs at the end of season do!  Long live the good ship Mallard and all who sail in her!!!

And so, with political turmoil all around, this season’s festival of cricket continued. It was a chance not only to banish the previous nights memory of Benwell and Walbottle but also repay the visitors for their early season 50-run victory – grey towers, massive piles, the odd black eye and all. Could the 13th be lucky for Mallards or would we end adrift of the run rate, like a Mallardian Boris Johnson suspended mid-air on a zip wire, podgy midriff garrotted by a safety harness.

With captain Stig not present, tossing duties fell to Glen ‘Deputy PM’ Steel. Mallards were down to bat first. He ordered his Cabinet and strode out statesmanlike with Kent to open. The scorebook records an austerity start (more dots than braille?) in the first over supplemented by some unforeseen tax receipts courtesy of a couple of extras. However, the sun was shining (ish) and the duo set about fixing the proverbial roof before Kent fell for 14 (bowled Boothroyd S) and Deputy PM Steel was caught off Costello for 9.

Roofwork duty was duly taken up by Messrs’ Cox and Bennett. Together they ensured a solid measure of fiscal probity before the next deficit in the wicket column. Cox was the victim, bowled by Gillespie for 18 in the 14th. This included a mahoosive 6 that initially threatened the actual clubhouse roof before sailing clean over it. Chief whip duties then passed to Bennett who retired shortly afterwards on 31.

With the score at 85 for 3 at the end of the 15th the batting order had sufficient depth left to unleash some capital expenditure. Secretary of State for Fixtures (Home Sec?) McGuiness connected his blade for a fine 4 before being caught shortly afterwards for 5 off the bowling of Gillespie. This was followed by a partnership between Bateman and CLucas – well I say partnership the former scored some free flowing runs while the latter toe-ended a couple of singles and tried to keep running between the wickets while realising how unfit he was.

At 109 off 19 the Mallards Cabinet realised more would probably be needed and started to make some calculated spending pledges. The markets reacted with volatility. First Bateman departed off Boothroyd (S) for 16. This brought in club Chancellor Mexter who was also bowled while swinging at one for the team. Browne faced the hatrick ball but nonchalantly saw this off before dispatching the next for 4. The last ball saw another Browne connection and a frantic attempt to maximise runs by returning for a third. This just thwarted when CLucas was run out due to the juxtaposition of a direct hit and being knackered.

The Mallard balance sheet recorded a total of 121 for 7. Would our credit rating be sufficient? Had the roof been fixed enough? The exit poll was in doubt given Durham’s previous 134 against us earlier in the season. However, that was in the vicinity of their massive piles and the pollsters had been wrong before!

After a swiftish turnaround and some watering of the Thames, it was the opposition’s right of reply. Deputy PM Steel set out his manifesto on the field with Browne and a fired-up Cox first out of the battlebus to bowl. However, Durham came out fighting and had 25 on the board by the end of the third. Cox then drew first blood, trapping English LBW for 14. English initially attempted to drown out the opposition cries before quickly remembering he was not in the Commons and departing with an apology.

Browne completed his spell (3-0-20-0) and was replaced by Bateman in the 7th who quickly claimed the next scalp – Gillespie for 17 – caught by Home Secretary McGuiness who was delighted to bag another contribution to his ‘perfect palms’ catching battle with Poet Laureate Wood.

The end of Cox’s spell (4-0-22-1) saw Cleaver enter the fray to complement Bateman. The scorebook fell a bit short of the Hansard standard at this point but a couple of things were evident and dimly remembered:

* the free scoring Whitfield retired on 30
* Cleaver removed Verna for 19 (caught by Cox), Wastell for 0 (caught by Bateman and appears to have finished with figures of 3-0-10-2
* Watson bowled Boothroyd (S) for 17 – and finished on 3-0-16-1
* Party Chairman Taylor arrived to check on progress and cheer us on
* Wrede was run out for 2 by a Mexter Cleaver combo

*Cox made a stunning two handed diving catch attempt that slipped from his grasp at the last together with a Spumanti nomination. Alas all he had to show for it was a very creditable entry for stain of the year award (grass!!) – sponsored by Vanish.

Over and above all of this was the fact that Durham’s initial run rate had been slowed by excellent Mallards teamwork. This meant that with the opposition requiring 7 off the last over to win, it was tight and close, even tighter and closer than Lycra on an overweight middle-aged man struggling up a hill on a billion pound bike one Sunday morning.

The honour of closing out fell fittingly to Iron Chancellor Mexter. We had fixed our roof but theirs had developed a hole. Could we piss through it? Four singles and a dot ball meant it was last ball do or die. The Iron Man had it. Ice in his veins he delivered on target and Boothroyd (I) was unable to get a clean strike away. In their desperate search for run he was dispatched by a swift Bennett throw and stumping from Kent (who had chosen to take to the field spurning the now trade marked Hannibal Beacock keeper gimp mask).

Mexter finished on 2-0-18-0, Mallards had won by 2 runs and the sound of satisfied Mallardian banter filled the home dressing room. All was well in the world – until 5 minutes later when we found out Boris Johnson has been named Foreign Secretary. Yes the real one, chauffeured car and everything. One is tempted to say that rather limits future photo ops of mid air zip wire suspension. Then again…

Right, let’s try this again shall we? Last time we travelled to Walbottle Campus we just about needed snow chains, so a repeat fixture was arranged for the height of summer. So on a cool and overcast day, and with the odd shower floating around, we gathered gradually and it wasn’t long before last week’s outstanding result at Burnmoor was being dissected in minute detail. Confidence was high in the camp and it was with a bounce in his stride (or maybe he was just jogging because he was late), Skipper Stig strutted out for the toss. Which he lost. Nevertheless, Mallards took to the field in great humour, mainly thanks to the sight of Hannibal Beacock in his brand new gimp mask (see above).

2.3 overs later, and with opening bowlers McGuinness and Watson now in the foetal position and twitching alarmingly, opening batsman Black was walking off retired on 33. We had seen a brutal display of hitting, two fours, four sixes and a solitary single – a leading edge that had dropped agonisingly close to Jordon’s outstretched hands at short cover. If there was more of this to follow we were in for a long 20 overs.

Once again scorebook details are a little sketchy as ours hadn’t been filled in for their innings, but I can tell you that things settled down a touch after that, the score ticked along from 38/0 after just three overs, to 67/0 after eight. Still a fair clip but the rate was coming down. Watson (4-0-31-0) and McGuinness (4-0-29-0) recovered well from the early onslaught but neither were able to find the breakthrough.

The fielding was tidy on a difficult outfield; a short boundary on one side, and a long downhill slope on the other. Cox gets special mention for a brace of fine diving stops on the short boundary (and because he’s writing the article), as does Jordon for several sharp stops in close. As a reward for biggest grass stain, Cox was brought on to bowl, with Wisbach at the other end. The run rate continued to come down but the breakthrough eluded us.  Singh reached 31 and retired, but then Wisbach struck. Wood, who is enjoying a most un-Mallardly competitive contest with McGuinness for most catches in a season, pouched one at mid-on, complete with a trademark unnecessary tumble, claiming Robson for 2.

Wisbach struck again in his next over, with Robbie caught and bowled for a duck. After 16 overs, the score was 103/2, Wisbach’s figures (4-0-26-2), spoiled by an expensive last over. Cox finished wicketless but was frugal (4-1-9-0). B&W’s other opener, Harrington who was the ice to Black’s earlier fire was harshly retired for 15 at some point around now.

Wood (2-0-10-0) and Butcher (2-0-11-0) were given the responsibility of closing the innings out and did so admirably, as the innings ended on 125/2. A much less intimidating score than what could have been.

Kent and Steel took up the reply, after their magnificent opening stand in Burnmoor, but immediately it seemed like tough going. Timing the ball seemed to be a struggle, in fact the first ball that Steel got out of the middle went straight to cover and he was caught for 2. Cox came in at three, looking to move things along, but also struggled, dropped twice early on. However he and Kent did manage to rotate the strike well until Kent misjudged a single and was run out for 16, with the score at 43 in the 10th over.

The run rate was becoming an issue, but the batsmen seemed unable to do much about it, perhaps it was the pink ball, as some theories suggested. Cox continued to swing but without much success, before being stumped for 24. Wood followed shortly after, bowled for 4 with the score at 58/4 off 13.

Stig and Thompson set about the rebuild, starting to find a bit of freedom and getting the score to 90 before Stig was bowled for 16 in the 18th over. Jordon was bowled for a duck, bringing Beacock to the crease. Unfortunately there was not enough time to chase down the remaining runs and the innings closed at 96/6, with the not out batsmen Thompson (16) and Beacock (3).

In the end it was their early run explosion that was the difference, and fair play as we weren’t able to match it. Never mind, our fixtures list this year ensures that there’s a chance for redemption just around the corner.

Sometimes rare and beautiful things happen. Sunshine breaks out on what has been a pretty worse than average wet summer, a full-strength Mallards squad turns up on time and Architects turn up 3 men short and without their big hitters. A collective sense of optimism that momentous things just might happen was in the air.

An examination of the pitch from the club-house using high-powered binoculars indicated that the match was to be played from the strip closest to St Barnabas church and graveyard. In fact a two-minute walk to get closer to the strip suggested that the groundsman had possibly and cheekily found an additional strip just adjacent to the square. Just to make things more interesting the square boundary to the clubhouse side had not been brought in, making the distance to hit a ball somewhere of the order of 110m (or 120 yards in old money) – albeit on a fast outfield. Was an all-run 5 on the cards? In contrast, the far-side boundary was just about perfect for the square-leg umpire to stand and comfortably view proceedings from.

Skipper Butcher won the toss and despite being reminded of memories of last year’s 106-run drubbing, chasing 204 to win, elected clemency on the Architects’ lads, who were hoping for late arrivals, and invited them to bat.

Browne and Bennett were given the dubious pleasure of opening the bowling, the former all the time muttering about retiring and being put out to grass (the lawn variety one would hope). While openers Loach and Brown (without the ‘e’) got off to a good start, Bennett made the first breakthrough in the fourth over removing Brown with a plumb back-foot lbw, to leave the score on 22-1. Browne, no doubt inspired by his fellow opener, saw no. 3 Brigham Snr lbw for a duck the following over. However the batsmen dug in and steadily made their way to see the score at 47 for 2 at the end of the 8^th over, Browne finishing with a respectable 1 for 24 for his allotted 4 overs and Bennett 1 for 18 off his, figures that might have been better if the skipper’s fine catch at backward square leg hadn’t been ruled out for a no-ball.

Captain Stig, wheeled the bowling changes with Benson coming in from the main road end and Dunhill from the tennis courts end. Dunhill (complete with knotted handkerchief headwear) had a tidy first over, but Benson wasted no time after taking a few balls to settle in by bowling opener Loach for 16. Benson also struck in his second over, thanks to a well-taken catch on the cemetery boundary by Wood to remove the dangerous Brigham Jnr for 21. The bowling and fielding remained tight and scoreboard pressure was starting to mount for the Architects batsmen who did not seem able to make good use of the available boundary just 30 or so meters away. Dunhill finally got some reward in his final over to remove Harkin for 7 to finish with 1 for 15 off his 4 while Benson had an expensive last over to finish with figures of 2 for 28 for his 4.

At this point, Captain Butcher suddenly realised that he still had 4 overs to bowl and not many bowling options left. Steel could be seen to be wilfully looking the other way and the captain seemed reluctant to give his own arm a whirl. So it came to looking to his nowadays part-time options of Taylor and Wood. Determined to show the Mallards “youth” how it should be done, Taylor promptly took a caught and bowled from a dipping full toss, while Wood after conceding a four (dropped and thrown over the boundary by his captain!) promptly took the last 2 wickets in consecutive balls in complete scorn of the friendly agreement to play last man standing. The end of the innings saw Architects slide from 91 for 5 to 101 all out in just 15 balls and two and a bit overs short of their allotted 20.

The Mallards reply saw Kent and Steel take to the crease and two Mallards players take to the field to augment the Architects VIII. There was a look of determined aggression in Kent’s eye, which may have had something to do with childminding difficulties that could have seen him returning home with one less child than he arrived with. That aggression took very little time to manifest with the second ball of the innings driven for 4. However the opening bowling partnership of Lawson and Smith was tidy and at the end of the 6^th over the score was 30 for 0 and (admittedly faint) cries of “get on with it” were given short shrift with an angry wave of the bat from Kent.

The 7^th over saw the first bowing change with Harkin replacing Laughton. With Kent largely hogging the strike, Steel was largely content to play the anchorman role especially when Brigham Jnr was brought on to replace Smith, and started to bowl some deliveries at a lively pace that Kent seemed content to let Steel face. However, runs continued to flow, an experimental over from Brown proved to be particularly productive for Kent including a big hit that saw the ball rattle bagatelle-like through the huge tree that overhangs the ground from the cemetery.

With the score on 86, Kent hit yet another 4 to a cheer from the distant boundary indicating that he had passed 50 runs (52 in fact). At which point, despite no retirement being agreed, Kent elected to protect his average and promptly did so – judging that 12 runs in 5 or so overs with the quality batting line-up still to come would be a stroll in the park, the openers having put on a majestic 90 runs.

Now you may be thinking at this point was the rare and beautiful thing going to be Mallards winning a game without losing a wicket? Think again! I have to confess at this point the order of proceedings is a bit hazy owing to the fact that the book (yet again) has not been filled in correctly – a black mark to the Skipper. With the talismanic Kent retired, Steel (obviously pining for his batting partner) was out caught by Brigham Jnr off the bowling of Brigham Snr. Greenwood came and went for a duck. Porteous, allegedly on a batting roll was bowled by a fully pitched-up, late-inswinging beauty from Brigham Jnr that saw his middle stump removed. Butcher in at 5 was bowled by Harkin for 1 and Taylor, having only just managed to get off the field from umpiring duties and barely in his pads was back on to bat – sadly not very long as he skied his 4^th ball to be out for 1.

So yes, Mallards had gone from 90 for 1 to 97 or 5 and only 12 balls left in the game. Was the prospect of snatching defeat from jaws of victory on the cards? Thankfully no. Wood, who had now been joined by Bennett, in at no. 8, hit a four to the cemetery boundary to ensure the scores were level. At the start of the 19^th over it was Bennett on strike. Calmly he took one ball to steady his nerves before driving the next to the long-on boundary and a famous victory.

It’s not often that Mallards beat Architects at their home ground, in fact the last time we may have done so was with all three Mollers in the squad – so you are talking about 8-10 years ago. OK, so they were missing a couple of their big hitting players, but those that turned up were all decent cricketers, so we’ll take the win, particularly as it was our turn to take advantage of their pernicious ‘no retiring’ rule.  The lure of Germany v. France on the screen in the clubhouse bar was of no appeal to the Mallards lads who took that rare and beautiful opportunity to celebrate victory on the benches outside on a lovey sunny evening.

“Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while” (Kin Hubbard). Never a truer word spoken for the legion of cricketers in the North East of our green and pleasant land. We are well versed in the daily perusal of the Accuweather app or the BBC weather pages which predict whether (d’you see what he did there? – ed) or not there will be any possibility of play for the Mallards fixture that night. Predictions of rain at 6, just when the teams are taking the field, are discussed and dismissed with casual arrogance.

Mallardians are true optimists when, despite predictions of biblical torrents of rain, they offer the possibility of the Riding Mill microclimate saving the day. Nowadays, armed with ‘state of the art’ pitch covers and an understanding of local mystic weather patterns the feeling is nothing can stop the mighty Mallards …… if only….

The fixture against Seaton Burn was a new venture against an unknown side, although the Seaton Burn club has been around for years in well-established leagues. Despite problems with satellite navigation resulting in a brief tour of the village, the Seaton Burn side arrived displaying a remarkably low average age causing some disquiet amongst the Mallardian old lags. Youth normally equals chasing expansive drives and pulls around the field for 20 overs followed by a low score resulting from being cleaned out by extreme pace.

In light of such reservations, Mallards skipper Steel, on winning the toss, decided to field and in bright conditions took to the field armed with a phalanx of bowling talent. Initial perusal of the team sheet suggested the availability of seven established bowlers – riches indeed! Mallards opened with Browne and Watson who embarked on a miserly spell of bowling achieving a metronomic line and length.

It was clear from the outset that Seaton Burn’s young guns were not going to embark on a run spree. In fact, there were very little signs of aggression at all, the score crawling to 18 for 2 after 7 overs. Rarely could there have been a more controlled start to a match. However, despite their accuracy and regularly beating the outside edge, Browne and Watson both failed to register in the wickets column (going for 9 and 13 runs respectively in their 4 overs).

However, Mallards achieved two breakthroughs via, what could only be described as a contender for the annual swoop fielding award. Kent had relinquished the keeping gloves to allow the return of Beacock to the fold. One can only speculate where Steve was coached in his fielding ability or his Spook-like ability in deception. He started with an intentional miss-field and followed this up by an equally intentional inept throw to the keeper. Having lulled the batsmen into a false sense of security and in combination with the keen keeping skills of the aforementioned Beacock, he ran out both Hoey and Rook deploying his laser like arm and sound ‘on the bounce’ technique. The stuff of legend.

The Seaton Burn run rate increased steadily upon the introduction of the spin twin attack of Bennett and Benson, Bennett having decided to deploy a mixture of off and leg-break bowling as pace was seen as being too much for the Seaton Burn team. It seemed apparent that the introduction of pace from Bennet and Cox on a ‘sporting’ pitch would have proved an overwhelming challenge for the young Seaton Burn team and terms were negotiated with Cox to be the bowler who ‘missed out’ on his bowling spell.

Control was maintained with Bennett having Harvey caught at mid-wicket for 13. Benson remained wicketless but in common with the earlier pace attack conceded very few runs, relinquishing only 15 in his three overs (Bennett conceded only 17 in the same spell). Opening bat McAuley retired on 32 very late in the innings thus narrowly becoming the only player ever to carry their bat under ’30 and retire’ rules.

The arrival of Hayden (interestingly noted as a retard by his teammate in the scorebook) resulted in a marked increase in the scoring rate. He was particularly severe on McGuiness launching him for consecutive sixes in his final over. Dave was rather unlucky having his man dropped twice in true Mallardian fashion. Wisbach, at the other end, also came in for some stick, but was able to maintain some control despite Hayden’s assault, eventually having him stumped by Beacock after several missed ‘swipes’ at his bowling. Wisbach also had Atkins caught for 10 and achieved figures of 2 for 20 from 3 overs which were commendable in the circumstances.

Despite the final total increasing to 106 for 5 off 20, the Mallards team were confident of a successful chase, particularly as Cox (as per on-field negotiations) was promoted to open the innings with fielding guru Kent. However, by this time, the weather had closed in and the Mallards batsmen took to the crease in rather dark and damp conditions, a steady drizzle having descended upon the Riding Mill ground.

Worries of ‘death by pace’ were unfounded as Mallards got off to a rapid start, mainly due to Cox who retired at 30 having smote four 4s and a six. Kent and Steel scored steadily, such that Mallards were well on course for another victory at 59 for no wicket after 10 overs. However, by now, the rain had become more persistent and it was clear the fielding side were struggling to stay vertical on the outfield and the bowlers were finding it difficult to grip the ball.

To their immense credit the Seaton Burn side kept playing as Mallards frantically tried to score the runs required. Steel was adjudged lbw for 11 as conditions worsened. The introduction of Hoey (1 over, 2 for 7) who took two wickets in his first two balls hastened the abandonment of the game as he had the (potentially) fast-scoring Kent stumped for 24 and Bennett caught for 1. McGuinness performed a triple-toe-loop slog for 4 having skidded down the track, making it clear that conditions for play were impossible and the match was sadly abandoned, with the score on 81 for 3 wickets after 13.2 overs. Both teams were in agreement, ably supported by the club despot who was most concerned about the potential comments coming his way from the Riding Mill grounds consultant.

Mallards were confident that the 27 runs required would have been scored in the remaining 6.4 overs. However, despite all of the predictions by Accuweather and the BBC the Riding Mill microclimate let the team down. The Seaton Burn side are a welcome addition to the fixture list. They play in the right spirit and their attempt to finish the match was commendable. However, it was clear the decision to abandon the match was correct.

And so, onwards and upwards. The win / loss ratio is still encouraging and assuming the weather improves (BBC is predicting rain for Tuesday) we will try again next week against Sparta at tropical Riding Mill.

“I’ve always thought of Mallards as a drinking team with a cricket problem!” Tony Cleaver.

Winning the toss (perhaps) Captain Butcher chose (or was put in) to bat, mischievously opening with Bennett and Kent. Bennett, bemoaning the lack of ‘snacky-snack’ time, strode onto the pitch purposefully smoking his fifth tab, though, thoughtfully he’d put it out in time for the start of the innings. Kent faced the first ball from opening bowler Gascoigne.  Four off his hip!  Great start. The dot balls then started to flow, with five taken from the first. Sharma now from the other end, Bennett getting his first runs with a beautifully timed shot for four. As the confidence built so did the score before Kent (11) was castled by Gascoigne in the 5^th with the score on 24. In came the canny Greenwood. The onslaught began to take shape with both batsmen getting on top of the bowlers, Bennett hitting a glorious six to cow corner off the tiring Sharma. Bennett (24) finally had to go after connecting with a short ball that looked set for the boundary until the deep point fielder took a low catch. Disappointing, but there were biscuits in the pavilion!  McCaffrey was in next and the excitement was building to unprecedented proportions, the crowd was going mild! Quick singles and the occasional boundary! Oh the drama. But it was not to be McCaffrey (1) falling to the new bowler Horner after unsuccessfully trying to get himself out a few overs before by smashing his own stumps and with a denial fit for the Leave campaigners managing to convince the umpires that they had just fallen over on their own! Horner was now in the mood! Second string Zurawlew from the other end was also hitting his straps and bowled Greenwood (15) with the score at a precarious 64 – 4. No need to worry, no panic necessary, it was time for the skipper and McGuiness. Butcher (2) bowled Horner, McGuiness (1) bowled Zurawlew, 67 – 6! Okay, but we bat very low down these days and with the seasoned pro GVD and the returning Wisbach we could post a respectable score. Surprisingly some singles were scored before Wisbach, who could only see out of one eye (a honeymoon related incident, don’t ask), smacked a lovely four off new bowler Brown. Wisbach now set about the bowling with his usual calmness. At the other end Van Doorn was playing a shrewd game until being bowled by Brown for 5. In came (relatively) new boy Benson at number 9 with the score on 79 – 7. Bowlers Brown and Sargeant had kept the score down well, but Benson was in no mood to run. A quick fire 20 from just 6 balls pushed the score along, with Wisbach (10) being bowled by Hall in the 20^th over. With the innings fading the welcome return of Ian Stone was short-lived as he was run out chasing runs for nought. Benson (20) perished to Hall and the innings ended on a competitive 112-9 (89 runs and 23 extras).

Tactician Butcher had a plan [unlike Roy Hodgson – ed.]. Get them out for less than 112.

Browne opened, maiden. McGuiness from the other end, 10 runs conceded but a good line and length and some lucky shots from batsmen Hamid and Zurawlew. Game on. Browne conceded just 2 from his second over, both wides. This was what we needed. We were tight in the field and were keeping the scoring down.  Four overs, 19 runs. Come on boys! The opening batsmen feeling the urgency began to hit out. Chances were bound to come our way. Zurawlew (31) retired in the 10^th over with the score on 59. In came Roope. Benson replaced McGuinness (3-0-29-0) and Van Doorn came on for Browne (an excellent 4-1-14-0). Both bowlers keeping it tight went for 3 and 2 from their respective opening overs. Batsman Roope took the initiative and targeted GVD, a beautiful six followed by a back foot kick away from the stumps, LBW for 7. In came Giby. Never looking comfortable at the crease, he was bowled by Benson in the 12^th for just 2. 68 – 2. Eight overs left. In came Horner to join the still unbeaten Hamid. Benson (3-0-15-1) was replaced by Wisbach, a man calmer than a marijuana-smoking sloth. Here was the bowler for this occasion, only conceding four from his first over.  Horner, on the other hand had a different plan, taking 14 from Van Doorn’s last over (4-0-25-1). 87 – 2 in the 15^th. With Wisbach going for only 4 more in his second it was time for Ian Stone to bowl them out. 91 – 2   16^th. First ball was judged as a wide, Umpire Hall being a git [allegedly – ed.]!. 8 runs from it. Tight, but a wicket now and we’re back in it. Stu again keeping the runs down finishing with a splendid 3-0-11-0. At this point things get a little hazy. According to their book keeping they are on 104 at the start of the 19^th. By my calculations they’re on 103. Never trust a Riding Miller!! Stone took the 19^th with Horner in a hurry to get to the Welly. Three balls one dot two sixes.  119 – 2 (how, I’ve no idea!!!) Stone (2-0-20-0).

A very enjoyable game.

The summer solstice is celebrated around the world in many wonderful ways: in Denmark they burn straw effigies of witches on the beaches; in Finland the women-folk bend over wells, naked, to see their future husband’s reflection, then get heavily drunk; Latvian revellers run naked through the towns at three in the morning before being rewarded with beer, cheese and folk songs. Actually, it would seem that most of these so-called “traditional celebrations” are little more than a flimsy excuse to light fires whilst getting nude and drunk.

Always looking to buck a trend, the MCC shunned the fiery norm by going truly wild and worshipping midsummer by playing 22 overs a side rather than the traditional 20. Sparta won the toss and chose to bat; however the pull of the more traditional solstice celebrations was obviously stronger than a slightly-longer-than-normal cricket match, as neither team was able to field more than 10 players. That said, Stig turned up briefly but then slinked off mumbling something about strong liquor, and Gareth popped in to umpire a few overs.

With the sun shining brightly both teams eventually sauntered out onto a pristine field. The Mallards’ 2016 recruitment drive continues to produce results, with another new player taking the field in the form of Thompson. We were also pleased to see the return of Beacock who was champing at the bit to get going. Browne took the new ball at the Grandstand End and found a good line straight away; however it was Mexter who found the breakthrough in the second over, trapping Hunter in front for just 3. Mexter struck again in the fourth over, drawing a thin edge from Gibb through to Beacock who completed a sharp catch.

Things were looking sound at 19/2 after five overs, but the run rate was about to start heading in the wrong direction. Despite Browne claiming the wicket of remaining opener Rushton, courtesy of New Mallard Thompson holding on to an awkward chance at square leg, the Spartan middle order had started to open up, moving the score quickly along to 57/3 after nine. Watson, however, was bowling well and started to bring things back under control with three wickets, first claiming Nelson for a rapid 20, caught by Cox at mid-wicket. He then claimed Spratt for 8 (also caught by Cox at mid-wicket) and Ellis, bowled for 7. The order and timing of the wickets is unclear due to a bit of a gap in book-keeping.

At the other end, Gibbons was really hitting his straps, finding an excellent line and beating the bat consistently. He and Watson pulled the run-rate back again, but batsmen Cook and Mr Illegible Squiggle, brought to the crease by Watson’s spree, started putting on a display of clean, straight hitting that was looking ominous. However 94/6 after 15 was encouraging as Cox brought himself on at the Rubbish Bin End, paired with first Mexter and then Browne at the other end to finish their spells. Unfortunately the big hitting continued and Sparta managed to put on 67 in the last 7 overs, resulting in a sizeable score of 161/6 after their 22. Watson with 3 wickets for ‘some runs’, and Mexter with 2 for ‘some more runs’ were the pick of the bowlers. Actual figures are not available from the book I’m afraid – a continuing theme from recent seasons.

However, all was not lost as the deck was flat, the outfield fast and recent batting form had been strong. Kent and Cox strode out to the middle with a glint in their eyes, dreaming of the unlikely. Kent, possibly with his mind still on having had to field like a mere mortal without gloves on, didn’t last and was bowled in the first over by Langley for 0. Wilson, in at 3, was off the mark straight away with a late cut for 2. At the other end, Cox took two boundaries from the second over to kick start the innings. Wilson was bowled for 2 in the third to give Langley the impressive figures of 2/3 from his two over spell. Cox and new batsman Mexter set about restoring order to things, with both finding the boundary regularly. The score moved along to 56/2 before Mexter was bowled by Rowe for 21.

Gibbons came out swinging at 5 and after a few early singles went four-six-out, bowled by Rowe. Moran came and went, lashing out and slapping a catch to cover first ball. Thompson, whose first ball for the Mallards was a hat-trick ball, saw it off calmly. It didn’t last unfortunately and he was caught off Hunter shortly after. The score was limping along to 71/6 after 14. Browne and Watson were both bowled for 3 by Spratt and things were looking bleak at 83/8. Beacock was enjoying himself though, having hammered a much needed boundary over backward square; he was joined by Cox, who’d retired at some point during the collapse, after Watson’s demise. Unfortunately, Beacock was then caught trying to clear mid-on off Hunter, bringing the innings to a close for 84 in the 18th over.

So not so much running naked through the streets, more tripping up on the cobblestones; it was, however, a pleasure to play under a midsummer sun, a change from the forgettable “summer” we’ve been experiencing so far.

I think I’m going to move to Finland.