Someone once said (or should have said) cricket is a simple game made harder in the minds of those who play it (now I have said it). Those gathered to play against Nitch’s little Black Book of Cricketers XI were to re-discover this (again) like a forgetful Father Time waking from a cricketing dream where Mallards had already won three times before the start of July.

With Butcher skippering, the Mallards ventured onto the field looking for the wicket. They managed to find it eventually, only locating it by the presence of the stumps next a strip of green grass. Various cricket thinkers ventured that the evening’s entertainment might be uncomfortable for batsmen. Butcher, in an unguarded moment in the changing room, ventured that we should win as the visitors (suspiciously occupying the Home Changing room) did not appear to know each other names (or who could bowl/bat or not). They mostly looked like young cricketers to the rest of us. Opposition selector Nitsch lurked with a dog on the boundary attempting to plot Mallards, downfall by a series of secret signals.

So to the game and the visitors’ opening batsmen Drake (shouldn’t he be playing for us?) and Kiel (now he does, or did!) strode to the crease to face McGuinness. The facing batsmen were soon into their stride against some decent bowling from McGuinness and Watson with the ball zipping around the ground from the bat of Drake in particular (who later retired for 26n.o – we should sign him). Kiel fell for 12 from a lofted drive off McGuinness and a fine overhead catch from Lucas.

Batsmen number three entered the field of play and Bateman and Dunhill were brought on by Butcher as the first change of the bowling attack. The ball continued to find the boundary from the bat (and as byes from the green pitch),  including awards by Nitsch now acting as third umpire declaring Wilson’s outstretched toe end boundary edge intervention a four. Despite some tight bowling from Dunhill and Bateman, the latter finishing his spell of three overs for a miserly five runs, the Black Bookers were making good progress.

Who does a captain turn to at such times of desperate need – well the ex-Skippers panel of course (which is nearly the whole team sometimes). However, on this occasion it was Taylor and Wood who entered the bowling attack as third change. And it even worked as Gibbons (another deviously-recruited Mallard), who had moved swiftly onto 20, holed out to a smart catch from Wood off the bowling of Taylor with Wood striking in the following over, Wilson managing to hold a catch without having to use his feet.

Unfortunately the flow of runs was barely stemmed and the Bookers progress continued relatively unchecked albeit with some valiant catching attempts in the deep. Scraping the barrel, Butcher called on Wilson who much to everyone’s surprise (including Nitsch who had not accounted for this in his grand plan) took two quick wickets a towering catch by Bateman and a feather edge snaffled by Kent. Sensing the Blackbookers on the ropes Butcher cut his losses bringing back McGuiness and introducing Green (who appeared to run in to bowl from the vicinity of the pub) for the final two overs. To no avail the Blackbookers completing their innings on 135 for 5.

As the humidity rose even further the Mallards took to the field with Kent and Taylor as the opening pair. It was a quickie divorce as Taylor left the field in high dudgeon, run out having not faced a ball. Lucas soon followed caught out for 1 to bring Wood to the crease.

Some tight bowling from the Blackbookers saw able seaman Wood put down his anchor whilst Kent began to open his shoulders with one boundary in particular surprising the scorers via the pavilion roof.  Kent retired (25 n/o) replaced by Butcher.

Wood was out soon after,  lbw to Drake from a looping full toss (7), a wicket which heralded a minor collapse. Green (1) and Bateman (0) both fell to Kiel in the following over. Mallards were in trouble with 5 down, the required run rate ballooning and Butcher and Wilson at the crease.

With nothing to lose (except the game) they swung the bat against some tight bowling and rode their luck (albeit Wilson refused to run a fourth communicated via some suitably industrial language) with Butcher clattering two boundaries before he was caught on 15.

McGuinness entered the fray, making a sprightly 11 n.o. and sharing a partnership until the last over with Wilson. With 35 needed from the final over Wilson thought better of it,  hit a four over mid-on and retired on 25 n.o. looking like he’d been caught in a shower. Watson kept his shiny bat clean and wicket intact in the final three balls with the Mallards finishing on 107 for 6.

Reflecting over a pint in the Wellington afterwards it was clear that although we had been well beaten by Nitch’s Black Book XI the fact that we had got a game was what really mattered. Thanks to those who contribute to the running of this fine institution and play in the spirit of gentleman’s friendly cricket (most of the time!)

After Tuesday night’s disappointing showing against a supposed scratch side which turned out to be Nitsch’s Secret Army, Mallards took to the field again just two days later determined to put the record straight.

The opponents this time were the mighty Ovingham who, in recent years, had drafted in a lot of young blood and improved immeasurably – a template for the future Mallards perhaps?

The game marked the return of two stalwarts, Mexter and McCaffery, who would respectively add height and volume to the team as well as a level of inury-proneness. The medics were put on standby.

Seasoned Mallards scanned the team-sheet, declared to a man ‘plenty of bowlers’ and looked around the dressing room, desperate to find anyone who looked like they could hold a bat,  new signing Zurawlew failing to duck in time and being singled out as a likely lad.

Stand-in skipper Steel lost the toss and we were batting with the skipper leading the way, aided by the ever-able Kent.  Worries about the depth of batting became more pressing when the skipper perished for 1 in the second over, taking on the arm of the man at square leg and losing to a direct hit.

This early setback brought Zurawlew to the wicket earlier than hoped but the pavilion’s concerns were set to rest when he got off the mark with a cracking four.  With Kent settling in at the other end, the new man continued to lead the way, hitting two more fours from the next over, taking a liking to the pacy Hall’s bowling. Despite some decent looking bowling the runs continued to pile up and by the end of the fifth over the score had reached a very satisfactory 36-1.

Giddy with the growing total, Kent then played out a maiden over before Zurawlew was surprisingly bowled by Hall for a rapid 26 to bring Wood to the crease with the score on 40-2 after seven overs. A period of stabilisation was clearly the order of the day but the new pair turned such expectations on their head, taking 23 runs from the next two overs, the equally pacy but more erratic Mapleston coming in for particular punishment, with both batsman finding the boundary off his wide-ish deliveries. At the other end Marley was proving equally expensive, his first two overs costing 19 runs as the score mounted rapidly to leave Mallards sitting pretty on 96-2 from just 12 overs, some fine running and hitting being heavily supplemented by a hefty bout of extras as three lots of four byes were added to the score.

Inevitably the scoring was to slow a little as the bowlers wised up but when Kent finally retired on 30 in the 15^th over, with the total on 108, the pair had still added 68 runs in just 7.5 overs .  Mexter now joined the fray, and in the next over, Wood finished his innings with a flourish, a four and a two taking him to 30 as he retired, having hit four boundaries (that’s FOUR BOUNDARIES) to be replaced by McGuiness. Mallards were now sitting on the rub-your-eyes-it-can’t-be-true-total of 116-2 after 16 overs.

Mexter immediately took up the cudgels, cracking two excellent fours in the next two overs to take the score up to 131 before he was bowled by Drake for 11.   As the clearly-rusty Jordan settled himself in, McGuiness sacrificed himself for the cause, taking on an almost impossible run to try and keep the scoring rate going but being run out for five to bring another debutant, Benson, in with Mallards hoping to reach 140 for the first time this season. The new man didn’t disappoint, a two and a four being followed by a quick single as the home team finished on a mightily impressive 140-4 from 20 overs.

Mallards took to the field with a confident strut but dreams of a comfortable victory were brought down to earth in Cleaver’s first over as Lee carved 11 runs from it. Browne, however, at the other end was in no mood to be thwarted, his first ball clipping the leg stump to send the dangerous Lee straight back into the pavilion. An impressive wicket maiden ensued.  The other opening batsman, Hall, was in impressive form but a series of fine cover drives brought him little reward as he continually hit fielders, Wood, in particular, being this week’s ball magnet. With Cleaver settling down after his worrying first over, the pressure began to mount, Kent narrowly failing to hold on to a nick behind in the fifth over, which finished with the opposition on 28-1.  The unlucky Browne also saw a catch go down behind the wicket in his next over as the two batsmen began to pick up the score again and after eight over they had reached a respectable 46-1, Browne finishing with 1-20, Cleaver 0-23.

Dunhill and new boy Benson took over with the latter, in particular, starting well, taking a wicket in his first over as Lintern charged down the wicket, only to be clean bowled for 12.  After an expensive first over, Dunhill also hit his straps, only conceding seven runs from his next two as the pressure began to tell on the opposition, especially with Hall retiring for an elegant 30.  After 14 overs they had reach 79-0, needing 62 from the last six for victory

The veteran Wallbank was now at the wicket and looked in fine form, finding the boundary twice with fierce drives but he lost his partner Mapleston in the 16^th over, Benson again taking the wicket with Kent finally managing to cling on to a catch, much to his relief, the bowler finishing on 2-23. Dunhill finished his four overs with 0-23. Worryingly, for Mallards the wicket brought Drake to the wicket, a man who had plundered the Mallards attack for 25 very quick runs just two days earlier.

With four overs to go the opposition were just about still in touch, needing 45 to win but skipper Steele had two aces up his sleeve in the forms of McGuinness and Mexter and the former wasted no time making his mark, bowling Drake with his second ball for 1 and only conceding two runs from the over, a feat matched by the returning Mexter in his first over. The game was almost up, Ovingham now requiring 39 runs from just two overs. McGuinness’s second over went for 8 leaving Mexter to finish the innings off. The treasurer made sure he closed the account, another fine over finishing in style when he bowled Martell with the last ball of the match to leave Ovingham on 115-5, giving Mallards a magnificent victory by 25 runs.

The beer at the Wellington somehow seemed even better than usual as one of the best all-round Mallards performances in recent memory, indeed probably one of the best ever, was celebrated.

After years of trying, Mallards finally made it to Broadway. You’d have thought with all the prima donnas that have graced the yellow-duck shirt over the years that we’d have made it years ago.  But no, it’s taken many years to finally grace the place where the neon lights are always bright.  Hopes were high of a third victory of the season on Broadway because, apparently, if you can make it there you can make it anywhere.

Unfortunately this wasn’t Broadway, New York, it was Broadway West, just off the Great North Road. And there were no stars, no neon lights, just lots of cloud and a biting wind which induced a rare burst of two-jumper wearing amongst the frozen spectators.

Butcher won the toss and chose to bat, correctly reckoning that it was only going to get darker, damn those non-existent neon lights!  New opening pair Scott and Kent took to the field and it was the former who got off to a flyer with three cracking fours in the first two overs. Kent, meanwhile, was practicing his morse code but leaving out the dashes, his first nine balls spelling out SSS.  He finally cracked his duck in the fourth over to settle himself down. With both batsman now into their stride the score began to mount quickly and the pair had reached a very useful 40-0 after eight overs before the first wicket fell in the ninth, Triggers Cleaver raising the dreaded finger to send Scott packing, lbw for an excellent 24.

As is the way with these things, Kent took up the slack to give new batsman Cox time to settle in, racing through to retire on 30 in the 13^th over with the score on 76.  New batsman Wood joined Cox at the crease and leant on his bat at the other end as the Kiwi maestro aced his screen test, hitting five fours in a very rapid 31 to allow Butcher and Wood to renew their weekly sprinting partnership.  The runs continued to flow, though now they were mostly coming from a series of 2s as the fielders were stretched to the limit. Inevitably there are casualties with this approach and Butcher eventually fell for 16, falling on his sword in an attempt to eke out a second run to the strong arm of Gilfillin.  Wood and Lucas then steered the innings home to a more than useful 124-2 after 20 overs.

Davipart began their reply with the strong opening pair of Sandhu and Rawley (D).  Cleaver began with a maiden but when the first two balls of his second over were crashed for boundaries the nerves mounted. Fortunately his fourth ball was carved towards Wood at mid-wicket, who took the catch low down to dismiss Sandhu for 1.  Inspired, Cleaver took another wicket in his third over, clean-bowling new batsman Dutha for 0. Watson, meanwhile, had been performing very tidily at the other end and claimed a deserved wicket, clean-bowling the potentially destructive Rawley for 23 to leave the home team struggling on 32-3 from 8 overs.

The all-Antipodean attack of Cox and Bateman took up the bowling next and both caused the new batsmen, Harwood and Rawley Sr problems from the start without much luck, Cox finding several thick edges that fell into vacant spaces and Bateman beating the bat on countless occasions.  Even so runs were hard to find for the batsmen and after 12 overs they had crawled to 45-3, needing 80 runs from the last 8 overs to win.

Kent spilled a sharp chance behind the stumps to continue Cox’s bad luck but Bateman finally struck with his final ball to bowl Harwood for 12 and finish with an impressive 1-9 from his 3 overs, Cox finishing with an unfortunate 0-17 from four.  Davipart were now getting desperate, Rawley Y coming out to try and save the day with the score on 58-4 from 15 and 67 runs needed from just five overs. McGuinness bowled a very steady first over, almost taking a fierce caught-and-bowled chance fired straight back at him before Mallards’ nerves were tested when skipper Butcher bravely opted to bring the rusty Taylor into the fray. Fortunately the latter’s policy of making the batsmen chase wides paid off as they tired themselves out, the home team’s efforts fizzling out as they ended the day on 92-4, a Mallards victory by an impressive 32 runs.

A magical performance from the Mallards but, of course, there’s always magic in the air – on Broadway.

The art of reportage is the art of being there, of seeing and following the events, getting to the soft white underbelly of what is really going on, seeking to accurately conveying the real story to a waiting public. To do any of these you have to be paying attention, not turning up 20 minutes after the game started and spending the next 15 unloading crates of beer (and other non-alcoholic beverages) and loading up an ice box. Yet come the end of the game, the enticement of a potential end of season trophy was not enough to prevent all involved to feign illiteracy, pending holidays, “writers” cramp and virginity (the reporting kind I think hope) amongst the too many excuses. So this week what you’re going to get is a (more) fictionalised (than usual) account of the proceedings.

Once upon a time, there was a man called Nala (not his real name), a legend amongst his peers, famed for his Calliopian writings and his all-round cricketing abilities (albeit too often in the face of his own team-mates). At the time the narrator of this stirring and entirely (in)accurate account arrived to chronicle the events that unfolded at Riding Mill in the week following the calends of May, it became obvious that the Mighty Mallards were living in troubled times …

A ritual known as the “tossing of the coin” had been undertaken and although the result has been lost in the mists of time, the result was that Mallards were set the task of posting an immense score that would be sufficient to intimidate the cunningly fearsome opposition known as the Architects (their real name too long to be worth reciting). However when your narrator arrived, the guardians of the gates of the Mallards batting attack were already occupying judiciary positions as umpires to the proceedings on the field of combat.

According to hearsay accounts, the opening of the Mallards innings had been brutal. Kent, without fear, having scored 15 runs off the first over had raised a defiant hope in the team that a score of 200+ was on the cards, only to see such hopes dashed as first Steel, attempting to emulate his opening colleagues’ success, futilely attempted to charge down his second ball faced only to be clean bowled for 1 by the deceptive Lawson. At this point our hero Nala strode to the crease to continue the carnage, only for the gravity of the unfolding events to hammer home with the dismissal of “Stoneface” Kent for 15 again falling prey to Lawson’s immaculate line and length. From 15-0 at the end of the first over to just 23-2 at the end of the 4^th, a more realistic score was needed and Nala was the man to deliver.

Aided and abetted by the Thalian Wood, Nala set about repairing the foundations of what could still be a monumental innings. Faced with the gorgons that were Lawson and Harkin, Nala heroically blocked and nurdled stealing what runs he could thanks to the split second calling of Wood. For 11 overs our redoubtable pair battled against the odds, as Architects summoned further gorgons in the shape of Harkin and Brigham. The quick singles were starting to take their toll on Nala. A rare shot that penetrated past the iron ring of fielders and upslope to the main road end of the ground was accompanied by a plaintive cry of “oh bugger” as he realised that he would have to run three in one go.

At the end of the 14^th over the score had moved to an attritional 61 for 2, only for Nala to see his trusty squire Wood felled, clean bowled by Thornton for 14 while trying to valiantly accelerate the scoring rate and thus exposing the Mallards leader to face the wrath of the Architects bowling attack. Striding to the crease wearing his pork pie Stetson (this is not a purely Greek tragedy!) our leader, Butcher, wasted no time in taking the fight to the foe with two lusty fours only to perish with an ill-timed swipe at another straight one from Thornton for just 9.

Nala however persisted. The opposition, sensing weariness, elected to go for the sadistic slow kill sparing Nala from a quick and merciful release by making him run further rapid singles (and twos). However the ploy backfired when Nala having hit the fifth and final four of the innings reached the blessed release of 30 not out and he was allowed to return to the pavilion, albeit on his knees, with honours. The completion of the innings was left to the youthful coupling of Gibbons and Moran who withstood the final bowling assault to finish on 9 and 2 not out respectively and the Mallards total a century or so short of what had been promised at the start at 103.

For any chronicler of proceedings, the accurate summarisation of activities is helped by the availability of clear and accurate documentation to support the preparation of the accounts. Sadly this is not always the case …

With Nala instructed to patrol the cover/ mid-wicket boundary, the primate McGuinness was set the task of vanquishing the foe with the ball. His Harmison-like first ball ballooned high and was duly dispatched for a no-ball four, only for his second and first legitimate ball to clean bowl the very dangerous Clinton for 4. Scholars, I’m sure, will long debate whether this counts as a diamond duck. Meanwhile Watson, looking mean and hostile with his black eye, set to defending the other end of the wicket of play. A tidy first over saw reward in his second with a plumb back foot lbw to remove the equally dangerous Matterson for 7.

McGuinness, struggling for line and length, was replaced by Wisbach (soon to be betrothed and to possibly retire from the field of combat forever? – he thinks otherwise but we shall see … organising a wedding that coincides with a test match in the vicinity does not for good portents make) who was rewarded by the wicket of Bindine caught superbly by Moran at point for 15, leaving the Architectural Gorgons at a perilous 48 for 3 after 8 overs. However Moran’s exploits in the field failed to eclipse those of Nala, who had become a strange ball-attractor (magnet is not quite the word here) for the innings. All too often balls travelling in not quite Nala’s direction meant our hero had to chase or throw himself towards to the line of the ball with a “bloody hell”, “oh god, not again”, or “why me?”.

However it was all to be for naught. Brigham and Thornton steadied the rocking Architects ship and despite the wiles of Watson (4 overs 1 for 12), Haylock (3 overs 0 for 17), Wisbach (4 overs 1 for 23) and Gibbons (2 overs 0 for 16) the gorgons swiftly and inexorably overcame stoic Mallards defences to close down on the total needed to secure victory. In desperation the captain turned to Wood to bamboozle them with whatever you call what he bowls, ensuring that the game extended to the 17^th over where only 2 runs were required. Turning once again to McGuinness in the hope that he could deliver a double hat-trick maiden in failing light, Captain Butcher’s dreams of a first victory under his tenure were thwarted with a single followed by a wide.

It was a valiant defeat, against an opposition who played to the full spirit of friendly engagement. Nala, heroic in defeat enjoyed a well-deserved crafted lager by Samuel Adams in the lighted clubhouse before disappearing into the night clutching a celebratory Badger (ale that is) to savour when he returned to his home. For the rest it was a case of drink, eat pork pies and other savouries and enjoy the final Pyrrhic victory of creating a post-match schism within the ranks of the opposition caused between those who were happy to stay and share in the spirit of the game and those who wanted to immediately bugger off to the Wellington to castigate each other for the job done. So Mallards may have narrowly and valiantly lost in the field of cricketing combat, but definitely won in the cause of friendly cricket.

As Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), poet and novelist once wrote…

“Grey towers of Durham
Yet well I love thy mixed and massive piles…”

As a student of construction, I would hazard a guess that Sir Walter was referring to the massive foundations of the Cathedral and Castle – or was he? It may be he was discussing the relative merits of carpets in the bishopric of Durham or perhaps the cut of the grass in the proximity of the University and Cathedral. More later……

The annual visit to Maiden Castle to play Durham University Staff is always a popular fixture against a good side that generally play the game in a Mallardian spirit. Despite the threat of rain and a heavy mid-afternoon shower, the game was played on “Pitch 1” as opposed to the all weather pitch on the Pelaw Woods side of the river – the pile of pitch No.1 being much more appropriate than the more Spartan conditions caused by adjacent football and rugby pitches – a veritable Axminster as opposed to Nouveau Connections carpet tiles. Good job that the groundsman had taken a flyer……

With SkipStig late due to work commitments, vice-captain Steel won the toss and after consultation with senior pros selected to field first. Browne and McGuinness opened the attack with the latter receiving some severe punishment from openers Swift and English. However, McGuinness did make the first breakthrough having Swift caught at point by Butcher. The run rate was of IPL proportions with Durham being 31 for 1 off 4.

Cox replaced McGuiness and Watson latterly replaced Browne. However, the run rate was maintained at a high level with regular boundary fours being made by English (who retired at 32no) and Smith (run out for 29 with calm assurance by Scott – McGrathesque in style). The first ball of McGuinness’ 2^nd spell accounted for Powell, bowled for 8 thus achieving the notable feat of being the only Mallards bowler to take a wicket on the night.

Despite good spells from Cox, Watson and Wisbach, the run flow could not be stemmed with regular fours being hit despite the longish boundaries by Hopkins (22no) and Everett (19no).  At one point Watson even tried to stop the ball with his head – see above.  The pile of the outfield certainly favoured the forceful Durham batters – the ball running smoothly over the well-manicured sword / Axminster.

The age old Mallardian curse was once more in evidence with several dropped catches – some of which could be placed in the ‘dolly’ category and some in the ‘mission impossible’ genre. McGuiness had his feet in both camps off the bowling of the unlucky Wisbach including a full length two handed dive on the boundary which probably saved a maximum – catch it next time Dave please or cop a fine for showing off!

The final score of 134 for 3 off 20 overs seemed somewhat of a challenge to the Mallards batting line-up, particularly as the weather had closed in to make conditions rather dark and dismal. Mysteriously, the ‘senior pros’ acting as consultants at the toss had somewhat disappeared at this point as the decision to field was politely questioned. Note to committee – please can we have night vision specs for the kit bag…

Steel and Kent opened the batting with opening bowler Everett exploiting the poor light by bowling quick and short thus conceding only 14 from his three overs. Costello captured the wicket of Steel in a miserly spell – Mallards being fatally well behind the required rate – at 16 for 1 after 4. Kent did his best to raise the rate, almost poleaxing Steel with a stunning straight drive.

Boothroyd and Cleaver (yes, that Cleaver) took up the attack and maintained a very well-directed and disciplined approach. Cox had been promoted in the order but perished to Boothroyd for 6 while Kent continued to attempt to force the pace at the other end, eventually retiring at 30.

Wood and Butcher than embarked on a good partnership and both made a valiant attempt to raise the rate of progress. Many significant blows were made but no boundaries were achieved – for example in one spell of 22 deliveries, 10 x 2s were run and no fours (or sixes of course). Running between the wickets was heroic, but certainly not good for team health. Note to committee – please can we have an iron lung for the kit bag…

The Durham team showed that they have a highly competent bowling attack – all six bowlers hit their lines and lengths very consistently – the final two bowlers provided the denouement with Moore producing a fine spell of 1 for 12 from 4 overs and Metcalfe (as ever) picking up wickets as Mallards thrashed out to try to make defeat less ignominious (3 for 10 from 3 overs). Wood, Butcher, Tayler and Scott perished in the final overs. Scott’s innings was adorned with a high class cover drive (was it Michael Vaughan in disguise?) which was the only boundary achieved after the retirement of Kent. Final score was 84 for 6.

And here we have the nub of the problem, why could Mallards not hit the boundary like Durham Staff? There was plenty of well-timed hitting? Is it the physical prowess of the team? There is an alternative possibility…. It’s down to the pile of the outfield. Durham staff MUST have a switch which changes the outfield from Axminster to Nouveau Connections carpet tiles. Thus, Sir Walter Scott may have been referring to a game of cricket he had observed and the Sands at Durham. The piles are the different outfields Durham staff play on and they vary them between innings. I want one of those switches for my lawn…

So, a heavy defeat for Mallards by 50 runs. The reason for the defeat was obvious (other than Durham having a much more resourceful team this year with some good new players) as Durham staff hit 19 boundaries whilst Mallards struck only THREE! A closer match was possible if not for the “mixed and massive piles” (Scott, Sir Walter).

And so, to finish with Sir Walter – to complete his quotation which reads “with records stored of deeds long since forgot”, Mallards have been known to reach 150 from 20 overs on the all-weather pitch – perhaps we need to play there more often? ****ocks to the Axminster….

“Spoiler alert” – this week you will NOT need to work your way through 15 pages of Boyesian prose only to be surprised that after all of this your beloved Mallards took a pasting and very undeservedly lost !

The glorious 10^th May was the day of the announcement of the discovery of thousands of extra planets by NASA’s Kepler Space Telescope. Sod the planets in deep space – 10, 11 or 11and half stars were discovered in the very near space of Tynemouth as Mallards stormed to their second win of the season – with us not even half-way through May and all 3 major North East football Teams in the Premiership (if only for another day!) – and conspiring to give Team Despot his first ever win at Priors Park – even if the foundation was laid in the 6 overs before he arrived from Alpha Centauri (where he had apparently been examining the planning application for an interstellar highway in advance of the pending arrival on Earth of a Vogon constructor fleet )

Under thin grey skies Mallards opened proceedings with Kent and Boyes at the wicket with Black and Moran bowling tightly for KSOB  – and Moran’s first over against Kent being a maiden. The gentle approach had umpire Haylock “consoling” our openers with the fact that Surrey were on 3 after 6 overs against Yorkshire – and one of those was a leg-bye. Kent took the message – Boyes (aka Higgs-Boson) tried to. He hit a 3 which clearly exhausted him beyond keeping his ground against Black to be stumped and his back, groin or somewhere else tweaked for 5 in the 5^th over with the score on 14. This brought Captain Cox to the wicket as the first instalment of what proved to be an antipodean dynamic and match-winning duo.

Having hit two fine fours, Kent (a pale shadow of the man who hit 3 fours in the first over against Walbottle!) fell for 14 – bowled in the 6^th over by Black. Wood came to the crease and showed everyone what passing on the burden of captaincy can do for a man. Putting all memories of a crawling Surrey behind them Cox and Wood accelerated into space. Cox having reached 29 decided he was going to make the most of the situation and was almost back in the “pavilion” by the time his second and farewell and retirement 6 had re-entered orbit.

Wood, having been reprieved from a first ball LBW by umpire Jordan’s inability to get his hand out of his pocket, continued the good work. He was joined briefly by debutant antipodean Bateman, playing in whites kindly borrowed by Tony Jordon from his son who was away studying Maths at Oxford. Very fittingly for the occasion his Professor had been waxing lyrical on Radio 3 that very morning on the emergence of matter from nothingness and relating the period after the big bang to the opening of Wagner’s Das Rheingeld – Surely being  in Tynemouth with the Mallards would have helped him much better understand and illustrate the concept he had been wrestling with.

The wondrously be-whited Bateman fell unluckily to a truly stunning over the head / behind the shoulder catch for 3 with the score on 84 in the 14^th over. If Bateman was stunned the bowler, Anderson, was even more so.  Having taken a while to find his line, the catch was off the 9^th of the 10 balls in his first over.

At this point whoever was scoring presumably passed on to other duties and everything gets a bit lost in space. The Mallards spaceship was clearly racing through the uncharted areas of the asteroid belt. Taylor stayed a while before being bowled for 10. Wood was eventually stumped for a rousing 28, including his own inter-stellar 6. Browne very briefly fizzed to be bowled for 4. Browne’s departure early in the final over brought another notable rarity as our second debutant – duck rather than drake, Ellie Moran strode to the crease with the score on 115. She swiftly got off the mark with a single. McGuiness clearly didn’t fancy running – he had hit a 4 in the previous over for his only score and was now bowled with a ball to go. Haylock yahoo swished at and missed the last ball and the innings closed on 116 for 7.

A relatively challenging total for the Mallards to defend – and with the sky lightening maybe the planets were not aligned in their favour. Further challenges faced the team with the first innings damage to Boyes meaning that Higgs had to stay on the bench and the role of Boson be passed to the  unconventionally-clad newcomer Gibbons – the third Mallards debutant of the night.

Coyne and Hamid opened for KSOB and Browne and McGuiness for the Mallards. Following the Mallards batting example a tight opener from Browne went for only 2 but following this the KSOB openers picked up the pace and had reached 20 without loss by the end of the 3^rd over. In the 4^th McGuiness struck – bowling Coyne for 12 with the wicket going down at 25.

With the score on 39 at the end of the 5^th Captain Cox cunningly held back overs from each of his opening bowlers for difficult times down the line and brought Bateman and Haylock into the fray. Truly inspired captaincy – Bateman’s very first ball had Moir trapped LBW for 11. With just a single coming off the rest of the over Bateman sat on 1 for 1. A tight opening over from Haylock conceded 4 singles. The anchors were on. In the following overs Bateman took his second wicket – bowling Peffer for 3 and Haylock bowled the remaining opener Hamid for 13. 25 for 0 in the 4^th had become 47 for 4 at the end of the 8^th.

Further tight bowling and strong fielding meant that at the end of the 13^th the score had been limited to 68 with Bateman closing on 2 for 11 and Haylock 1 for 17. Gravity was clearly dramatically slowing the KSOB reply

Cox brought himself on to share the final 7 overs with Browne and McGuiness.  Cox’s tight bowling brought no wickets but his 4 overs going for just 15 runs intensified the gravitational effect on KSOB – with the exception of one ball which clearly wanted to escape orbit leaping up from an otherwise docile pitch to strike the batsman full on the side of his helmet and attract critical comment from his team mates in the “pavilion”.

Alongside this the climatic conditions were steadily improving with the sun increasingly shining on the Mallards as their stranglehold increased – culminating in a theatrical low sun-lighting of the Priory and Lord Collingwood peaking from his plinth over the woods to the south.

Nelson’s right hand man (clearly needed after he had lost his own right hand – and arm- in a doomed attempt to take a holiday on Tenerife) must have looked on in amazement as the Mallards not only exerted further gravitational impact but steadily took wickets – and showed uncharacteristic excellence in the field.

A stunning direct hit from Wood ran out Black for 19 and almost immediately after a further direct hit from new-boy Gibbons disposed of Wiles for 2.

With KSOB needing to accelerate in the final overs, Cox, McGuiness and Browne simply would not allow it. 84 for 4 at the end of the 16^th became 91 for 6 at the end of the 18^th. The final ball of the penultimate over saw McGuiness take a great reaction catch low down off his own bowling to remove Willett for 17 and finish on 2 for 25 and again be the only catch-taker of a Mallard match. This was his 5^th in 4 matches – shame on you Wood for spoiling his record by having taken the only catch he hasn’t !

Browne had already finished his 4 overs on 24 for none.

With KSOB needing 21 to win off the final over a further tight over by Cox saw him finish with figures of 4 overs for 15 and the KSOB innings close on 102 for 7.

As the theatrical lighting on The Priory and Lord Collingwood dimmed the Mallards re-entered earth’s orbit and headed for further “Journey’s into Space” at the Tynemouth Lodge and contemplation of the rarified atmosphere of early season multiple success.

A time there was… when all went well.”

Yes the unmistakable waft of nostalgia is in the air. I cannot thank our dear friends from Excelsior Batters enough for making this possible. Their recording of the events that occurred on the evening of Monday the 17^th Octember 2006 may make for an incomplete record of historical events. They left behind mere fragments of a moment in time like the graffiti of Pompeii. You know the kind of thing, “Septimus est a vengrandis Dick”, and so on. Except in this case the Mallards were Coxless and it showed.

Nostalgia plays tricks with the mind; it blots out the bad and leaves a residue of warm, glowing memories; everyone was nice in the good old days, it only rained a night – just enough to refresh the lawns; the snowdrifts were a hundred feet high in November and you could keep your backdoor open without being a euphemism.

And so it was for Excelsior Batters: nothing but happy memories, generously provided by their great friends, Mallards CC. As nostalgia befits, the weather was warm and mellow; a veritable Val Doonican of an evening.

The Mallards openers strode out to bat first in the hope that the pitch had dried up since the previous encounter. The outfield was soft as was apparent every time a ball was thrown in the air and allowed to drop. It would stick to the spot without the hint of a bounce; never mind the pitch looked drier.

Glenwright opened the bowling to Steve Kent. His length was awkward – remember this is nostalgia so there are no euphemisms here. The pitch still proved slow but at least the ball managed to rise wearily off the surface. It was too slow for Steve who couldn’t time anything.  So we started with a maiden. The second over saw Steve and Alan scratch away for another four runs and just a single in the third over before Steve found his range in the fourth striking two fours with Alan sweetly timing a late cut for another boundary

Dion changed his bowlers after a couple of overs at each end and this turned out to be a very smart move. Sure the bowlers looked clueless, like they’d never bowled in their lives with neither following through with their arm action after releasing the ball. Any hope that the ball would lift off the comatose surface after pitching was lost. From this point it was like a re-enactment of Trevor Chappell’s underarm ball to New Zealand: ball after ball. Steve was the first to perish to an LBW appeal when trapped on the back foot. In truth, it looked to be going down leg but the umpire’s decision finger was decibel powered: any Excelsior appeal rising above one decibel was out: the poor umpire, a crudely constructed machine, was powerless to resist his finger rising – again this is not a euphemism.

Twenty one for one soon became twenty three for two in the sixth over as Alan was run out when the Mallards combative captain called for a single to Dion. Perhaps if Alan had not hesitated at first thinking, “what the…” he might have had a chance but it wasn’t to be.

The introduction of Jobling into the attack brought more pain and frustration to the Mallards. The automated umpire at his end found it physically impossible to spread his arms out to make a signal as the ball often strayed far down the leg side. Those sat in the pavilion had no trouble coming up with signals of their own – not ones to be found in the MCC rules of cricket.

With the combination of unplayable wide balls and daisy cutters, Stig still managed to make one of the most valiant and some might say elegant of attempts to take the fight to the bowling; with a Goweresque lunge he failed to make contact with the ball but became fully connected with the ground following the most graceful of descents.

Then a miracle: news travels fast in this highly connected time where even God has a twitter account. Before close of play officials in the Vatican had already proclaimed the leg stump at the road end to be a Grade 3 holy relic. As Stig went for another ambitious run the throw hit the stump but failed to dislodge the superglued bail: Since time began had there ever been such a wonder.  This was surely a sign from God himself that Stig was going to carry his bat, encased in a holy trance, destined to smite even the most unplayable ball or, to put it another way, be caught off Jobling for two: So a holy relic only and not a grade one shrine.

Thirty Five for Three and then Thirty Five for Four as Craig fell to the auto LBW mechanism at the field end. The score was dribbling along at only four an over, helped mainly by the few wides that were being signalled.

Trevor and Gareth came together – again that’s not a euphemism – to steady a fairly static ship. It wasn’t due to a lack of effort; the Trevor Chappell daisy cutters and the unsignalled wides – made progress almost impossible. For the record there were a few that I could have signalled and after one Trevor duly spooned a catch then thanked me. I contemplated his thanks for a moment then realised that there was a hint of bitter sarcasm in his tone. I vow not to sleep until I next get the opportunity to wrongly give Trevor “not out” to a clean bowled appeal. Sorry. In fairness, news of another miracle didn’t reach the Vatican when the bowler failed to appeal for LBW for a ball that would have clipped leg stump – hey but I wouldn’t have given it anyway.

Trevor departed with the score on fifty three and was almost immediately followed by Gareth, bowled taking a swipe at yet another Trevor Chappell delivery. Fourteen overs had passed. The scoring rate failed to improve and wickets continued to fall with only Rob managing to dig out a hard earned twelve not out and the bowlers contributing a few more wides. We’d crawled to seventy nine for nine in our twenty overs. Wides had top scored but special mention should go to Steve, Trevor and Rob for their brave attempts to squeeze some runs from this most lifeless of pitches.

Then it was Excelsior Batters turn to suffer this deadening surface. The trouble was the pitch that had previously been wallowing in a never ending weltschmerz suddenly began to behave like a Spring Rabbit when proper bowlers got to work on it.

If the recounting of events appears quite detailed for such fragmentary historical records it’s because the Mallards were keeping the score.  It is quite understandable that a group of teachers, faced with a morale sapping Kafkaesque bureaucracy that required labyrinthine record keeping, would decide to take the evening off from their day job.

For the second inning, one of the Excelsior Batters changed the wiring of their Umpirebot to stop any reaction to raised decibels. It was time to crack on.

With Tony and Tom getting bounce and movement off the pitch it could surely be only a matter of time before the supposedly inexperienced Batters would succumb, not knowing one end of the bat from the other.  Sure enough the opener Sh.. er.. Sche.. er God knows which, was bowled by Tony. He was soon followed by Birrell (possibly, who cares?) brilliantly caught by Dave McGuinness. In the meantime the other opener,  Sh.. er.. Sche.. er God knows which, helped himself to that rarest of commodities, a couple of boundaries including a cleanly struck six.

Vulnerable as the Batters looked they were well up with the scoring rate with only two wickets down. Then joy of joys, the dangerous looking ,  Sh.. er.. Sche.. er God knows which, took the fight to Tom, pulling him to midwicket where Trevor with soft er.…hands took another fine catch. Now the Batters had been reduced to er… God knows what for three in the fourth over.

The fourth batsman – beware of players not wearing proper cricket tops – whose name I can’t read in the book and the more experienced Wilson began to turn the game the Batters way. Oh hang on have I got the two batsmen’s names right? I think maybe Wilson was the one wearing the grey top. I’m starting to sound like an old codger rambling on about the war… ah nostalgia…that Hitler was a jolly a nice young man.

Anyway the pair of them kept the scoreboard more than ticking along, well ahead of the rate required. The best efforts of Tom, Tony, Steve and Dave yielded nothing. We were going to have to bowl them out. Wilson, or was it the other one, retired on twenty five but we couldn’t wait for them all to retire.

It was left to Leon, way too late, to beat the defences of Wilson, or was it the other one and then have Flynn caught by Tom with the score on er.. in the er… sixteen the over I think. Dave then bowled Bodley, who had come in and struck a fine boundary.

It was a great fight back that continued in the eighteenth over when Leon bowled Jobling with the scores level. Then another miracle, one which the Vatican have become very excited about; the Umpirebot over road its settings and signalled wide (for the second time in an over) to close the game. Pope Francis has since declared the Umpirebot  a grade One Holy Shrine to be worshipped by Catholics around the world, who would make their sacred task to make a pilgrimage to the place of its employment and hope their cars don’t get nicked or their tyres let down.

For the record, without the interventions of the Umpirebot, Leon’s figures would have been three for three off three overs.

All in all for the Batters truly a time there was when all went well.

That’s grand but what about us poor suffering Mallards? After such a demoralising defeat it fell to the team captain to raise team spirits for the next tussle with those jolly decent chaps once of Kings School but now too old to be called boys but not too old to be called other names.

That was a tough gig for Stig. He, like many of us had been rocked by the many tragic events that have unfolded in 2016 in the world of the arts and entertainment; the deaths of Bowie, Prince, Paul Daniels, Pierre Boulez and, most tragic of all, the continued survival of Bruce Forsyth and the BBC recommissioning another series of “Call the Midwife”.

One of those late departing left a final gift to the stricken Stig. When Pierre Boulez died the nightclubs of France all fell silent – around half past two in the afternoon.  The diehard modernist left behind his final work, a children’s opera called “Goldilocks et les trois ours et that.” Stig had the joy of seeing his son perform in this new work which, despite its title made few compromises to its audience.  This proved a visionary move because none of the proud parents had to worry whether their darling offspring were hitting the right notes or not.

Even so it was all too much for the Mallards Warrior King. Still reeling from the new “Call the Midwife” series he tried to rally his troops with his war cry, a speech reminiscent of Olivier’s in Henry V at the Battle of Agincourt:

“Sorry lads, I don’t know what’s up with me. I’ve not been feeling myself today.” Again we didn’t have euphemisms in the good old days

And with that his loyal troops left the ground roaring “let’s get em!”

By that I mean the beers in at the Duke of Wellington.

p.s. For the record: a closer examination of the scorebook reveals that the Mallards actually won by two falls and a submission in the third round. Now that’s my kind of nostalgia!

Over the course of the last eight (count ’em!) years, I have come to accept that my antipodean way of doing things can sometimes appear unusual to UK eyes. Wearing shorts and jandals (flip flops) in the winter months, for instance appears to be generally frowned upon (Brother Mallard, “Don’t call me Jeremy” Hunt being the commendable exception), whilst I have never come to terms with vinegar on chips, or the abomination that is mushy peas. I can live with these discrepancies, it all adds to the spice of life; however I had thought that we had collectively agreed on one important thing: that cricket is a summer sport.

As I brushed the snow off my car in the morning, I couldn’t help but acknowledge that hefting my gear bag into the back was just wasted effort, a token nod to an undying desire to play the game at the slightest opportunity. Watching gale-force winds lash rain, hail and snow against the windows all day all but confirmed my suspicions. However, one thing was conspicuous in its absence – official confirmation of the cancellation; that’s ok, the Club Despot is a busy lad and not always able to send word until later in the day. A quick text to the Despot was met with the reply that the game was indeed on. Surely I had misread that so immediately sought a second opinion from the Fixtures Secretary who confirmed that the opposition “must have heard we are shire [sic] because they’re dead keen to play”. So, Game On! Apparently.

This week saw a new venue and opposition join the already chocka-block MCC calendar: Benwell and Walbottle at Walbottle Campus. Both teams were eager to get the game underway with more bad weather promised before long; so 18 overs a side was agreed. Captain Cox won the toss and chose to bat on what was a surprisingly sound looking pitch.

Cox took advantage of the captaincy and immediately declared that he was to open the batting, and invited Kent to join him in the middle. Some suggested that this was just an excuse to use pads and gloves as insulation. Kent was straight into his work, taking 12 off the first over, making use of the numerous gaps in the field as the opposition was yet to have a full XI on the field – the result of trying to get as much of a game in before the weather arrived.

I have spent a lot of time on the preamble to this match, which was quite deliberate as it means I can gloss over the nature of most of the dismissals in the MCC innings. Kent was the first victim, after being the early aggressor and, as he and Cox were busy having a mid-pitch discussion over whether there was a single there or not, was run out by a distance for a 10-ball 21.  Rumours were started that Cox had been out for revenge for That Catch last year; sadly this was just the first in a long line of terrible run outs in the next hour or so.

Revenge or not Cox, who had been quiet in the early stages, now seemed at peace and started to open up, making sure the healthy run-rate was maintained. Things were looking fairly rosy at this point with the score at 62 for 1 after 8 overs, and confidence in the camp was high. This, right here, is the turning point.

Wood was bowled for 6, Cox reached 30 and retired and then Scutt was run out without facing a ball, 62/1 became 68/4 in little more than an over. Wilson, who later claimed to be feeling the weight of guilt after the Scutt Affair, ran himself out for 2 to make it 73 for 5 after 11. Benwell and Walbottle were now sporting a full team and the gaps in the field were duly plugged, restricting the scoring options somewhat.

Mexter and Wisbach tried to settle things down before both being dismissed with the score at 84. There is a small consolation in that neither of them were run out; Mexter being bowled for 6 and Wisbach caught for 2. There was suddenly a real danger that we would be bowled out in double quick time. However, with Browne and McGuinness now at the crease, there was hope that a defendable score could be reached.

Browne did not last long and was caught for 3 then Haylock at 10 decided it was just too damn cold out there and ran himself out for 2. McGuinness was holding firm at the other end however, and even fired a six out of his shiny new cannon. Watson joined him for the last 3 overs, and showed that someone listened to the skipper telling everyone to just stick around for a bit. This was exemplified when non-striker McGuinness tried to steal a very optimistic bye to the keeper, but Watson simply stood his ground and issued a clear “No!” This was probably a good plan as the keeper had already thrown the stumps down. A plan fiendishly simple in its execution, but leaving those on the sidelines gobsmacked.

As it was, McGuinness (17 not out) and Watson lasted to the end; or near enough, Watson was bowled off the last ball for 3, to take MCC to 119/9 after the 18. A decent score, but with the temperature having dropped to barely above freezing, and some very serious clouds getting closer by the second, nobody thought we would get the chance to defend it.

A fast turnaround saw Browne with pink ball in hand (leave it…) in failing light at the pavillion end. A half chance was offered straight away with a shot from Henley falling just short of cover, but that was it for a while. Eight runs came off the first over, and then the hail finally started. The batsmen were immediately given the option of going off, but they claimed to be happy enough so we stayed on. McGuinness and Browne sent down a couple of tight overs before the batsman recorded only as Gav started to open his shoulders, taking 11 runs off the 4th over.

The game and the hail continued for another couple of overs, and was looking like either team could take it; the batsmen restated their happiness to play in those conditions and it looked like we might just have to tough it out. Browne finally got the breakthrough in the 7th over, with Henly caught by McGuinness for 18. Browne was unlucky not to have another as Gav was dropped twice in successive deliveries; I think so anyway, my brain was somewhat frozen by this point and frankly anything could have happened and I might not have known it. Regardless I won’t single out the droppers as trying to grab an icy bar of soap like that is hit and miss at best.

After seven overs, the sight of Leon “Big Bird” Mexter marking out his run at the North end was clearly enough as the opposition skipper finally came out to end the madness, apparently the groundsman was getting twitchy about wanting to get the covers on. Mildly ironic as the hail had just about stopped, but there was more on the way and there weren’t too many complaints from the fielding team.

So B&W ended on 39/1 after 7, which was much more cricket than most people expected. We quickly retired to the clubrooms for a sound beer and bullshit session as we watched the weather close in again outside until it descended into a scene from Dr Zhivago.

And finally, a big thanks to 12th man Tony “ice in my veins” Cleaver for umpiring the whole game in the cold without the slightest grumble. Such things are noticed by both the selection and awards committees…

(Special mention also to Ian ‘Zoolander’ Watson for modelling the new winter version of the Mallards cap above)

The season is underway!  Sterling efforts by the sadly injured Nitsch meant that the Riding Mill pitch was ready to go despite the recent deluge which had alerted ark builders across the North East.

With new captain Butcher unavailable (apparently suffering an existential crisis regarding his devotion to Norwich City pending their imminent relegation), vice captain Steel stepped up.  When I say stepped up, what I actually mean is that the other vice captain, Cox, was hiding in the toilet when the call for leadership went out.

Steel immediately stamped his winning personality on the game by correctly anticipating the coin toss and choosing to bat, cleverly convincing the opposing captain to agree to an 18-over game which would mean the opposition batting in the dark.

The ever-reliable partnership of Steel and Kent walked out, knowing that scoring would be difficult on a pudding of a pitch which flatly refused to allow the ball to bounce.  Not to mention the low sunlight which made batting at the Tree end a bit of a lottery. Wise heads were predicting a score of around 80 as par.  Opening bowler Glenwright negated the dodgy bounce by throwing in an early full toss down the leg side which Kent gleefully top-edged straight to square leg. Kent departed for 0. At the other end the skipper’s left eye twitched a fraction.

Hall joined Steel but didn’t last much longer, defeated by the low bounce and bowled for 2 in the third over, leaving Mallards at 12-2.  (He had actually been run out just before that, umpire Cleaver turning a Nelsonian blind eye to the bowlers flick on to the stumps with Hall caught backing up.)  The skipper’s twitch moved on into frown territory.  Wood joined Steel at the crease to provide a formidable ex-skipper/stand-in skipper barrier to the bowlers and the pair settled things down as gradually the scoreboard started moving in the right direction.

They cruised serenely to 35 in the 7th over, quick singles interspersed with boundaries from Steel’s blade, but then disaster. A fierce pull shot from the skipper looked a certain four until the ball was plucked out of the air inches from the ground and Steel had to trudge off, shaking his head, for a worthy 22.

Two overs later the Excelsior fielders were at it again, this time Wood was the victim, watching open-mouthed as a lofted drive through the covers was also snapped up inches from safety and he departed for 8, with Mallards treading water a little at 39-4 from nine overs.  The two quick wickets had brought Scott and Cox to the crease and the pair started to repair the damage of those two impressive catches, taking the score on to 53 before Scott was caught and bowled by opposing skipper Krishnan for 6.

McGuinness joined Cox and the two Daves kept things ticking over nicely, running well, to add another 13 runs before McG was bowled by Krishan for 1.  Cox was joined by Wilson and the run rate continued to creep up before Wilson was also bowled by Krishnan for 4 with the score on 74-8 from 15 overs. Three overs to go – could Mallards bat through?

Cox was managing to hold things together on the sticky pitch and he was now joined by the abrasive Browne who, as usual, went for his shots. The approach paid off as the pair took the total to an over-par 90 from the 18 overs, Browne finishing 7 not out with Cox making a dogged 27.

Mallards took to the field in confident mood, a mood which was only slightly dented by the 16 runs which came off the first two overs. Excelsior’s young opener Wilson going for his shots from the start.  Opening bowlers Cleaver and Browne gradually found their form though and by the end of the fourth over they had pulled things back, Excelsior, however were still well set on 23-0.

Cleaver struck first in his third over, removing the dangerous Wilson for 17 and Browne came to the party in his third to dismiss fellow opener Haggie for 6. After six overs the opposition had slipped to 32-2, with the game very evenly poised and the arrival of opposing skipper Krishnan at the crease looking ominous.

Mallards, however, were beginning to exert a tight grip, some tight bowling, backed up by unusually efficient fielding saw the brakes jammed firmly on the Excelsior innings. Cleaver’s final over went for just one run and included the Cox/Kent combination running out Brekke for 2. Browne went one better, bowling a maiden to finish with the quietly astonishing figures of four overs, one for six.

With the opening spell over the visitors were now on 34-3 from eight overs and the home side were growing increasingly confident of victory. Seasoned Mallards watchers will know that this is when we are at our most vulnerable and when Dunhill’s first two overs went for sixteen runs some feared the worst. These fears were exacerbated when opposing batsman Spencer, who had stayed around for very little purpose, suddenly retired injured to bring in some much better batsmen.

Cox, at the other end, had other ideas though and found a perfect line from the start, conceding just three runs from his first two overs and, more importantly claiming the wicket of Krishan, well caught at mid-off by McGuiness. That dismissal left the visitors on 54-4 from 12 overs, requiring an eminently gettable 37 to win from the final six.

Dunhill then joined the party, clean bowling new batsman Flynn for 0 and his replacement at the pavillion end, McGuinness also stepped up, bowling Glenwright in his first over, leaving Excelsior on 69-6 from 15.  Three overs to go, 22 required for victory.

The Cox/McGuinness axis was though, beginning to prove the vital one, and after the latter had put down a difficult chance, just failing to cling on to a diving catch, he made quick amends by catching the same batsman, Birel, again at mid-on and again from Cox’s bowling. Cox almost gained a third wicket when new batsman Woodhead absolutely smashed the ball straight at Scott, standing at short cover. The ball stuck in Scott’s palm for a millisecond before falling to the ground. There will be a bruise in the morning. Despite this dropped catch (harsh) the bowler still finished with an admirable 2-7 from his four overs.

McGuinness continued to prove influential, his final over leaking only four singles, leaving Dunhill to bowl the final over from the tree end with Excelsior needing 16 runs to win. With memories of honorary Mallard Ben Stokes’ recent travails running through their minds the supporters (Haylock and Kents junior)  watched through their fingers. Their concerns were misplaced. Sealing his role as ‘death’ bowler, Dunhill absolutely nailed it, leaking just one run and a leg bye. To add icing to an already tasty cake he also clean-bowled Woodhead to leave the visitors well adrift on 77-8 and Mallards the victors by 13 runs.

In an ideal world Dunhill would have been hoisted off the field on the victors shoulders but age and dodgy backs preclude such things so manly handshakes all round preceded a splendid recap at the Wellington.

A word of warning to the over-optimistic. Last season began with a win over Excelsior Batters. Just saying.