No poet would mind being locked-up, since he would at least have time to explore the treasure house of his memory (Rainer Rilke In James, Clive. 2020.  The Fire of Joy.  London, UK: Picador).

Rilke, like most poets, was a bit of a prick.  Locked-up (down) for the best part of 15 months with little more than Fred Trueman’s Table Top Cricket for company, Mallards were in no mood to recall the difficulty of communion with the ineffable in an age of disbelief: they were ready for cricket.

Enthusiasm wasn’t dented by a few signs of rustiness: Wood claiming to have forgotten how to set a field and Cleaver knocking over Holland’s (S) carefully constructed scoreboard.  The latest in qa long line of novice captains Latif strode to the middle with purpose.  Toss duly lost, he strode back to report that Mallards were to bat first.  Some suggested that batting on the pudding-like pitch might be tricky.  Nerves were calmed by Latif’s deep knowledge of German-language poetry: ‘Keine grosse kunst wurde jemals gemacht, ohne das der kunstler die gefahr gekannt’ (‘No great art has ever been made without the artist having known danger’).  Naturlich, skipper.

The Schloss Duino that is the new clubhouse being off-limits due to pandemic restrictions, the socially distanced Mallards gathered along the football pitch boundary to watch openers Ankush and Steel.  Suitable artistry was displayed by the former, a series of boundaries flowing as Cochrane and fellow opening bowler Hays struggled with the muddy run ups.  Steel brought similar skill, albeit fewer runs (i.e. zero) to an innings stymied by the similarly bemired pitch.  He squelched his way off after spooning a catch to square-leg off Cochrane.

At 17-1 off three overs, Wood sought to sustain the early run-rate: he failed, adding a couple of singles before being caught off the increasingly accurate Cochrane.  Comfort was found in his returning knowledge of field placings, his joy at being (briefly) back at the crease and his love of lyrically intense Austro-Bavarian prose: ‘In der Riding Mill CC, bin ich daheim’ (‘I am at home at Riding Mill CC’).  Wilkommen zuruck, Trevor.

Holland (T) brought some impressive technique to proceedings when he joined Ankush at 23-2.  Unfortunately, a ball from the diminutive Haseem didn’t so much as keep low as tunnel its way into his leg-stump via the quagmire on a length at the Jon Robb benches end: 35-3 after Holland (T) had added a brave 6.  The talismanic Ankush became Haseem’s next victim, falling for an impressive 24 after Thompson took a smart catch at mid-off.  36-4 off eight overs.  ‘Grosse scheisse’, as Rilke might have said.

The run-rate was now to become as stodgy as the pitch, with Wilson plodging his way to the middle and failing to trouble the scorers (bowled by Haseem).  Das Karussel continued as Lucas fended off some determined deliveries and mud-splatters before falling for another duck to Hays, returning to bowl from the picnic tables end.  42-6 off 12 overs didn’t bother the implacable Latif: his advice to new batsman Green to ‘Lass dir das leben passieren.  Glauben sie mir: das leben ist immer im recht’ (‘Let life happen to you.  Believe me: life is in the right, always’) seemed reasonable.  Green’s reaction to Draper’s bowling was less rather less sanguine, charging down the wicket and then charging off the field, stumped by Smith for 7.

Flights in and out of Newcastle Airport had now been grounded by Draper’s extraordinary donkey-droppers, the parabola of which had not been seen since Taylor’s last appearance for Mallards.  Latif sought to balance the need to see out the 20 over-innings with increasing the run-rate.  He achieved neither, fifty-odd for 7 became something or other for 8 after he was distracted by the contradiction of Rilke’s transitional position between the traditional and modernist oeuvres, a ball from Draper falling out of orbit to plop its way past his bat.  Solace was provided by the symmetry of also being stumped by Smith for 7, with the skipper suggesting that ‘Ruhm is nur die summe der misverstandnisse, die sich um einen namen sammeln konnen’ (‘Fame is only the sum total of misunderstandings that can gather around a name’).  Gut gesagt, Liaquat.

Hopes rose as new batsmen Holland (E) brought superb energy and no little skill to splash his way to 5, including a superb four off Bateman.  Hopes fell as Bateman got his revenge with a jaffa, bowling Holland (E) from the Jon Robb benches end.  Cleaver put aside his postmodernist critique of Rilke’s juxtaposition of Ovidian transformation and biblical allusion in Sonnets to Orpheus to join the redoubtable Holland (S).  Battling their way to 2 not out and 5 not out, respectively, they saw off some accurate bowling from Haseem and Bateman.  The score crawled its way from sixty-odd for 9 to close at 73-9 off 20 overs.

Undaunted by Benwell & Walbottle’s plan to ‘knock this off in ten overs’ but faced with defending a somewhat modest total, Mallards were buoyed by Steel’s words of encouragement: ‘Das schicksal selbst ist wie ein wunderbarer breiter wandteppich, in dem jeder faden von einer unaussprechlichen zarten hand gefuhrt wird’ (‘Destiny itself is like a wonderful wide tapestry in which every thread is guided by an unspeakable tender hand’).  Well, that and the prospect of an early start at the Wellington.

Cleaver opened up from the picnic tables end, keeping things tight and periodically shedding layers of clothing until the increasingly burdened Steel declared himself to be ‘Tony’s clothes-horse’.  Or was it ‘Tony’s wankenstander?’  Holland (E) worked up some good pace from the Jon Robb benches end, showing great commitment in the face of sound defence from openers Harrington and Smith.

Remarkably, both bowlers began to extract some bounce from the pitch and, particularly by Holland (E), some movement through the air.  Buoyed by the efforts of their opening bowlers and the changing conditions, Mallards sensed that the muddy tide might have turned.  ‘Der fruhling ist zuruckgekehrt.  Die Erde ist wie ein kind, das dedichte kennt’ (‘The Earth is like a child that knows poems’) remarked Wilson.  Cleaver’s suggestion that Wilson was ‘sprechen verdammte blodsinn’ proved to be correct: the reality that batting might, in fact, be made easier by the drying pitch and the setting sun (previously dazzling when trying to pick up Draper’s astonishing loopers from the picnic tables end) began to be borne out.  A few from some became rather more from a few more as both batsmen began to score steadily, with boundaries being added to frequent singles.  Cleaver and Holland (E) fashioned the occasional chance, with Harrington somehow keeping out a superb yorker from Holland (E) and TC being unlucky that ‘keeper Wood was so enraged by his failure to detect the obvious eye-rhyme in the fourth line of Geschicten vom Lieben Gott that he contrived to drop a (difficult) chance off Smith.

Spirited work from Wilson, Lucas and Holland (T) in the field helped to contain some of the scoring.  England’s Euro 2020 (2021) squad can only benefit from Wilson’s footballing skills; Lucas’s athleticism may well secure a place in the GB 2020 (2021) Olympic diving squad; Major League Baseball surely beckons for Holland (T), with one laser-like throw nearly decapitating a surprised Ankush.

Skipper Latif, tiring of his copy of Letters to a Young Poet, brought on Holland (S) and the just about intact Ankush.  The former’s right-arm darts and the latter’s accurate medium-pace slowed the run-rate, but could not prevent the inevitable: both openers reached the compulsory retirement score of dreissig runs and left to well-deserved applause from Mallards, team-mates and from Dunhill, recently arrived to lock-up the Schloss Duino.  Checking CricViz’s win predictor, Dunhill suggested that with Benwell & Walbottle on 71-0 (2 retired) off 12 overs, Mallards might still be in with a chance of a win.  A 1.28% chance, but still a chance…

Given fresh impetus by Dunhill and by Cleaver’s dramatic reading from The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge, Latif set a ‘ring field’ and implored his fans of Teutonic mystical lyricism to ‘show some verdammte Hoden’.  Testicles duly (but metaphorically, thankfully) displayed, Mallards set about new batsmen Mail and Mowbray with renewed vigour.  Holland (S) got one of them out at some point in the 13^th over, although the scorebook fails to disclose which: Benwell & Walbottle’s scorer, no doubt, taking issue with Cleaver’s failure to develop an effective synthesis of Rilkean and Brechtian modes of analysis.  Brecht, being a Marxist and, therefore, a right fotze, would have approved; Holland (S) did not.  Another batsmen came in and scored the winning single by just about clearing the despairing Holland (T) at short mid-wicket.  ‘Die einzige reise ist die innerhalb’ (‘The only journey is the one within’) said Steel.  ‘Falsch’ (‘Wrong’), replied Cleaver; ‘Who fancies a pint in the Wellington?’

During our recent winter of discontent, this country’s cricket tragics found many clever and unusual ways of keeping the wolves of insanity from the door. Shadow batting in full kit, Twitter-based dice cricket tournaments, all sorts of surrogates were found to get us through the winter’s isolation. All of this however, was backed on a solid belief that come summer the sun would shine and all would be well with the world again. The mind’s eye saw cloudless skies, manicured emerald-green outfields and every cover drive timed to perfection.

Unfortunately in the cold grey light of… well… summer, the reality has been quite a bit wetter, with three games out of five so far having been lost to rain. Last week for instance showed just how much rain can fall on Durham in an evening. Tonight, however was different, the clouds had parted and it looked like we might get a game in. Cautiously we assembled at the ground to take on Riding Mill for the first time this year. This fixture has become known informally as the Wellington Trophy, though there is no actual hardware involved.

Whilst the rain had abated, it had left its mark, with a number of damp patches on the pitch and what would prove to be a sluggish outfield. This did not matter as it was a game of cricket, finally! The skippers tossed up and we would bat first. The number of overs was limited to 18 due to threats of rain later in the evening.

Openers Ankush and Cox took up the challenge with the former wasting no time, nailing two sixes in the first over. His power didn’t last though, holing out in the second over for 13. Hamid joined Cox and the pair began cautiously with the two-tone pitch making timing difficult and the slow outfield making finding the boundary difficult. However the two worked the singles effectively and kept the score moving.

As they became used to the conditions the rate of scoring increased a little until the 12th over when Cox went 6-4 in consecutive deliveries to retire on 33 with the score on 82, an excellent partnership of 69. Hamid reached his 30 soon after and we were well set at 85/1 after 13 overs and well set for a decent score. The incoming batsmen however didn’t have the luxury of time to play themselves in and Riding Mill’s slower bowlers were proving quite effective on this track. The unpredictable bounce combined with appreciable turn meant that runs came at the rate of around three an over for the last five overs.

McCaffery made a duck, Steel at 5 was timing the ball well but was thwarted by the slow outfield before being bowled by a big turning delivery by Terry.  Butcher at 6 found timing the ball difficult but remained not out on 5. Latif was caught for 1 trying some late-innings hitting. In all Mallards finished on 101/4, not the score that it could have been and we would have to work hard to defend it.

After the turnaround, the Mill’s openers began brightly as our bowlers, Browne and Hamid,took an over or two to find their radars. However in the 5th over, with the score on 29, Browne beat Kent’s defences and started a fightback. Mallards needed some quiet overs to put the pressure back on the batting side. Starting to ring the changes, Latif and Cox replaced Hamid and Browne. Both were able to control the rate effectively, Cox removed the opener Collins, well caught by Browne, before Latif’s spin did for Terry.

This made the score 46/3 after 11 overs, our noses (bills?) slightly in front but still needing to maintain pressure. Latif finished with 3-0-10-1 and Cox with 3-1-5-1 and then came Ankush. His first ball trapped Dhillon in front for 9, and his second clean bowled Steel-Morris for a golden duck. Fantastic stuff, it was now 57/5 and the pitch wasn’t getting any easier. At the other end, Holland followed a maiden in his second over with the wicket of Raza, snared by a fine tumbling take by Ankush at gully.

All the time, the required run rate was climbing, then when Ankush ran out Marks off his own bowling for 20, it got harder. With just one over to go, the score was 79/7 and with 23 runs required off the last over, it was in the bag.

Right?

Butcher had the honour of bowling the final over and started well with three runs and the wicket of Willis (caught by Latif) from the first three balls. 82/8, 20 needed off the last three. Thacker was on strike for ball four and sent it sailing over long on for six. The fifth hit the sightscreen and the sixth was the biggest hit of the lot, disappearing over the neighbours fence to finish the innings on an even 100, meaning a one run win for the Mallards. An excellent performance in the field, keeping the runs down whilst picking up regular wickets.

On a beautiful sunny evening that totally belied the freezing cold temperatures, two bastions of the midweek friendly cricket match met in Tynemouth to lock horns in battle.

The two captains (only one an actual King’s School Old Boy*) strode out to the middle for the toss and, as is customary, Mallards lost that and KSOB chose to bat first. Skipper Buxom donned the wicket-keeper attire (if only as a method of keeping warm) and Mallards opened with Cleaver from the tennis courts end and I Watson from the Collingwood Monument end. KSOB opened with P Coyne & N Ivill and Coyne who wasn’t in any mood to hang around, hitting 2 fours off Cleaver’s first over. Neville (N Ivill) was more content to support Coyne as well as seemingly want to dig to Australia as he kept marking his guard before every delivery he faced. I think the guard on middle stump was at least 2 inches below ground level by the time he’d finished!!

Both Cleaver and Watson managed to keep it relatively tight, with only the occasional stoppage to go ball-hunting for the odd boundary that went down the slopes that are just past the boundary on two sides of the ground. Those that didn’t go ball-hunting did a couple of laps of the 200m running track that surrounds the batting square to keep warm. Coyne retired on 30 not out in the first 8 overs whilst Cleaver finished on 4-0-27-0 and I Watson on 4-0-21-0, both bowlers keeping it neat and tidy while also beating the outside edge on a few occasions, unlucky not to get a nick or two.

Browne came on from the tennis courts end to replace Cleaver and struck with his 3^rd delivery, clean bowling Neville the Quarrier for 15, who jumped out of the way of the ball which hit leg stump about 2/3rds of the way up. Latif replaced Watson and both M Menton and D Weston went after him, with 11 runs coming off his first over. He brought it back though off his next 2 overs though, going for only a further 13 runs but also getting the wicket of Weston who got a top edge which was snaffled by keeper Buckley in short square leg area. Browne was keeping it lovely and tight at the tennis courts end, with only Buckley allowing some byes go through him marring the bowling. Browne finished with 4-0-10-1 with Latif finishing on 3-0-24-1.

Butcher replaced Latif and, in his spell, Bedford was run out for a duck after some sharp fielding from Hall who picked the ball up in gulley and threw it to Buckley who took the bails off with Bedford a fair distance out of his ground. Holland took the last over from the tennis courts end with both bowlers keeping it fairly tight, some good fielding from Mallards and they finished with 2-0-8-0 for Butcher and 1-0-3-0 for Holland. KSOB finished on 108-3 off the 18 overs, which was a chaseable target for sure.

Mallards began their reply with G Steel (a welcome return) and A Hall opening the batting with 12 runs coming off the first over, delivered by I Black. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that many runs come from an entire spell of Black’s bowling, never mind just one over! T Jackson took the 2^nd over from the Collingwood Monument end and, after a single from Steel, managed to clean-bowl Hall for just 7 after Hall had played his shot a good 3 days before the ball reached him.

McCaffery came in at number 3 and was back in the hutch shortly after for just 2 runs, controversially given out caught behind off Black with The Cat adamant he’d not hit it, and the sound was that of him hitting the pads with his bat, not the ball. Mr Lucas came in at number 4 and gave a bit of support to Steel but was soon caught by Weston off the bowling of Black after going for a bigger shot. Mallards were now 18-3 after just 5 overs.

Skipper Buxom came in at number 5 and, after giving himself a handful of deliveries to get his eye in, started off a partnership with Steel that saw the runs start to flow again. Boundaries and extras started to come with the new bowlers (Anderson and Stewart) who’d replaced Black (4-1-20-2) and Jackson (4-0-6-1) giving more scope to the batsmen to score runs. Buckley carefully used his “one shot” when required and the score quickly moved on from 28-3 after 8 overs to 55-3 just 4 overs later. Steel even had time to hit the wicket with his face after unluckily tripping over whilst on a run, the score was increasing that quickly.  After another 2 overs, the score had moved on to 70-3 leaving Mallards just another 39 to get to win the game off 4 overs. Buckley retired on 31 after hitting another 4 bringing Mr Butcher to the crease. Both Stig and Steel continued where Buxom had left off and kept the runs flowing with another 18 coming off the next 2 overs, Steel eventually retiring on 31 but Butcher unfortunately being run out going for a second instead of accepting just the single, the right mentality to have Mr B!! Holland and Latif came to the wicket and Holland suffered the same fate as Butcher, being run out by a direct hit going for a second instead of accepting the single. Latif was quickly bowled by K Menton soon after for just one, leaving Browne and Cleaver to take us to victory. However, despite a couple of singles between the pair of them and a mighty 4 from Browne, Mallards fell just short of their target scoring 101-6 off their 18 overs. Close, but no shortage of effort from all eleven Mallards this evening.

*may not actually be true but the captain of Mallards this evening is definately a former KSOB and was undercover for Mallards doing  his line of duty.

P.S. Apologies to all Mallardians who had to put up with the Skipper’s nostalgic reminiscences about playing sport here as a child!!

Brilliant, the cricket season is finally upon us,  the smell of cut grass and the thwack of leather on willow, some things will never change, well, err apart from the fist bumps instead of the usual start of season hearty handshake between reacquainted team mates, the changing room pre-match banter swapped for players turning up already kitted out, the persistent smell of hand sanitiser and some would say, most importantly of all, the inability to retire to a cosy pub for the post-match debrief.

However, this is the new normal and who needs a cosy pub when we have the new and improved/still improving Riding Mill club house, complete with telly, pool table and most importantly a massive fridge full of beer! Old friend and team mate Jon Rob would definitely have approved so it felt fitting to kick off the season with the first of 2 Jon Robinson cup games against Genetics, an early chance to get our hands on some silver ware!

Skippers Buckley (usually of this Parish but this evening in his other Captaincy role for Genetics) and Butcher walked out to the middle bathed in sunshine and after pretending to inspect the pitch in a vain attempt to convince any onlookers that he knew what he was doing Butcher duly made that irrelevant by losing the toss. Mallards were invited to bat first and with nearly a full compliment of players already arrived over15 minutes before the scheduled start both skippers agreed to try and get in an ambitious 20 overs a side.

Ankush and Kenty opened proceeding and Ankush obviously had somewhere else to be as he knocked off 33 off 10 balls to retire with the score 41 after 3 overs with young Edmundsen taking most of the punishment. McCaffrey was next in and was soon on his way back to the open air changing room for 1. Coxy joined Kenty and the scoring slowed a little as both played watchfully against some decent bowling from Gardner, Richardson, the evergreen Taylor (Brian not Gareth!) and then Bennett and Tarbuck as Genetics chose to give everyone 2 overs. Kenty fell on 25 in the 10^th caught at mid off (or was it on?), 82 for 2 off 10. This soon became 93 for 4 as a couple of wickets then fell in friendly-fire action, firstly blue on blue as Bennett won the Riding Mill bragging rights by bowling Thacker for 1 and then green and yellow on green and yellow (doesn’t work as well!) as Cox was caught off the bowling of Mallard loanee Latif for 25. Butcher was left to steady the ship and promptly called Beacock through for a second run that was never on leaving Beaks to be run out by nearly half a pitch! Watson(A) was then bamboozled by what your reporter will generously call a slightly over pitched ball by Bully that Andy somehow under edged on to his stumps, I think it is fair to say that had DRS been in operation he may well have called for a review on the basis of height! At the other end Butcher managed to get a  bat on a few of Bully’s (slightly) straighter balls and eke out a few more runs as the light began to fade. Once Stone had fallen to Bully (who finished with the remarkable figures of 2 for 17) and last man Cleaver strode to the crease (with Ankush still padded up – he’s played for Mallards before!) both skippers agreed to cut the innings short to 18 overs in attempt to complete the match. TC hit a lovely leg glance for 2 which left him as 5^th highest scorer with Butcher finishing on 24 not out and the final score 130 for 8 off 18.

A quick turn around saw Cleaver (who else?!)and Watson open the bowling against Genetics openers P McCarthy and veteran Gardner. TC’s second over got a little punishment but 26 off 4 was a tidy start with Watson going for just 6 off his 2 overs and denied a wicket by Butcher grassing a simple catch at mid-off! Following on from Genetics lead, Mallards spread the bowling round and Cox and Browne then took over bowling duties with differing fortunes, Browne struggling to find his length and going for a few while Coxy bowled beautifully accounting for both openers and finishing with 2 for just 1 run off his 2 overs. 59 for 2 off 8 became 59 for 4 off 9 as Stone (AKA The Flashing Blade) replaced Cox and bettered Coxy’s wicket maiden with a double-wicket maiden, bowling occasional Mallard Greenwood and then exacting some revenge for Coxy by trapping Mallard regular Latif lbw, both for ducks. However the wickets now dried up as new batsmen Edmundsen and occasional Mallard (there’s a theme here!) Bennett made light of the rapidly fading light while the fielders made harder work of it! Stone finished with 2 for 5 while McCaffrey went for 16 off his 2 leaving the score 94 for 4 after 14, 37 required off 4, surely defendable? However with 2 good batsmen well set and Butcher still to bowl 2 overs after his specialist death bowler Kenty declared himself unfit to bowl, it was in the balance!  Edmundsen retired on 33 but there was no respite for Mallards as the young eyes of Richardson coped very well with the poor light and continually clipped Butchers best efforts to long on where ball magnet McCaffery did excellently to save the boundaries but couldn’t stop the young’un running a succession of 2s. Ankush and Liam kept things tight but after 17 overs the score was 123 for 4 (Mallards were 123 for 8). It couldn’t be tighter, the scorers desperately began searching for the rules, were we in for a super over?……… Were we F***?! Even if we did have a rulebook no one could have read it by then and there was no bloody chance of getting another 2 overs in! Genetics proved this to be a moot point anyway by knocking off the runs with a ball to spare. Disappointing  to lose such a close match but as always the game was played in a great spirit and after handing the John Rob cup to Buxom with only slightly gritted teeth, the skipper and the rest of the Mallards got their hands a couple of bottles of excellent beer instead! Roll on the rest of the season and Jon Rob Cup part 2 in August.

Cheers Jon, sleep well.