It’s a common myth that history is written by the victors. Clearly bunkum in Mallards case, history instead being written by those of the squad who are either: (a) keen to contribute their share of documenting the progress of the friendliest cricket in the north-east; or, (b)  unlucky enough to be “volunteered” with the task of doing so by virtue of not looking away quickly when the skipper (or despot, if present) asks who wants to make themselves a candidate for one of the more popular of the newer canon of trophies. In past seasons (a) has been the prevalent, however this season (b) has been more the norm.

Take this account as example. At some point this Boyesian ramble*/ rant*/ railing*/ rhubarb* (* delete as appropriate) will finally get around to providing an account of the game. In the meantime it will continue to serve as a reminder that match reports are the lifeblood of the team (and indeed our many fans) and that leaving them for several weeks before getting round to documenting them from hazy memory only serves to make them more an exercise of half remembered fiction than actual reportage. Then again, peering myopically through the mists of time may be the best way of recollecting some of the team’s performances!

So anyway, a bit more prompt turnaround would be appreciated!

Enough pot calling the kettle black and on with the report…

Pretty sure that Monday 11th June was actually quite a pleasant evening – certainly no rain around. Captain Stig lost the toss (he may have won, but who cares?) and Mallards were put into bat. Probably a good tactic as there were still a couple of the squad yet to arrive. Kent and Malik opened Mallards innings to some decent bowling from the B&W side. With runs tending to come from the incredibly long college-side boundary rather than the much shorter woods boundary, scoring was mainly in ones, twos and threes. Hamid was first to perish bowled by one that nipped back. McCafferty in at 3 was largely becalmed by continuing tight bowling and was bowled for 3 trying to make some space to “give it some heet”.

With the scoreboard moving at a relatively pedestrian 4 per over the first bowling changes were made and the change bowlers were even more miserly than the openers. Kent, having dried up on boundary shots, was caught at mid-wicket (I seem to recollect – could be wrong) by skipper Draper for 14, leaving Mallards on 35 for 3 off the first 9 overs and captain and vice-captain at the crease to rebuild the innings and get things ticking over – minute hand rather than second hand fashion. Buckley, also struggling to find the boundary, fell in the 13th over bowled by Wadsworth for 12 with both change bowlers only going for 8 runs each off their allotted 4 and the score at 47 at the end of the 14th over following a maiden from Turnbull.

Skipper Draper wrought further changes, bringing himself on to bowl from the downhill end. Releasing his slow loopy exocets with a grunt that Monica Seles would have been proud of, the complete lack of pace was all too much for Gibbons who having just hit one glorious 4 miscued the next one into the air for an easy catch to depart on 5. Taylor, joining Butcher at the crease, plodded along in singles before deciding to have an argument with umpire Dunhill about the fact that a ball pitching off the wicket is actually a no-ball (see law 21.7) not a “you should have left that wide”. Clearly having lost concentration, Taylor,  two balls later, managed to angle a rare offside delivery from Draper straight into the diminutive 13-year-old keepers’ gloves for a paltry 6.

Ian “The Flashing Blade” Stone was next in, flashed hard for one, and flashed again only to be bowled. With the score a diminutive 82 from 19, some pride was restored by Tom Browne in the last over. Taking inspiration from the recently departed Prof. Stone, Tom swung hard and connected with two for six runs each, only to be run-out on the last ball of the innings – taking “one for the team” to leave Mallards with a slightly below par 95.

Taking to field Captain Butcher looked to his main strike bowlers to open the reply, Browne electing to take the uphill end, while the senior, but fitter, Dunhill was assigned to the down-slope pavilion end. Opener Jenkinson (St Georges Rover skipper) got the B&W off to a flying start with a boundary into the woods from a leg-side delivery. However he quickly remembered that the role of a good opener is to occupy the crease and bat as long as possible and proceeded to do just that.

With runs hard to come by, fellow opener Dickinson was run-out by a brilliant direct hit from Buckley for just 8. At the end of the 8th over, the B&W score was 29 for 1 and things couldn’t be closer. It could have been two if Dunhill had managed to cling on to a caught and bowled chance that, with hindsight, he would have been better off avoiding altogether given the speed it was travelling. Ringing the first changes Malik replaced Browne and Stone replaced Dunhill. Some initial tight bowling kept the run rate down, and at the end of 13th over the score was 39 for 1 – 8 runs behind Mallards at the same point.

It was at this point that the wheels started to come off. Jenkinson after being given some stern looks from the boundary and a severe talking to by a tactical change of umpire, accelerated with a pair of twos and a four to finally retire in the 14th over on 30 not out. Davey, in at no. 4 was clearly under orders and spotted an instant weakness in the Mallards defence, which was Dunhill still nursing a very sore hand, who suddenly became a ball magnet – or rather target since no shot in his direction actually stuck, instead travelling into the woods and messing up what had otherwise been tidy figures for both Malik and Stone, who still finished with respectable figures of 1 for 13 and 0 for 19 off their allotted 4.

At the end of the 16th over the score was 62 for 2. Captain Butcher was clearly feeling the pressure with vice-captain and despot (and ex. Captain) offering advice that was not welcome. Ringing his final changes, Butcher trusted the back four to Ankush and Gibbons. With wickets in hand though, the B&W players hand plenty of scope to swing, and swing they did to good effect with 29 runs coming off the next 3 overs. Davey also departed having been seen off for retirement on 30, to leave Bell and Draper needing just 6 to win off the last over and Gibbons entrusted with the task of bowling Mallards to glory. A dot first ball raised hope, only to be dashed by Bell hitting a two and then a four to see B&W home with 3 balls to spare.

So a good tight game and the inescapable feeling of what could have been. Maybe next time Mallards will have their revenge?

THE TALE OF PETER THE CUSTARDLY MATCH REPORTER

Or

You Were Warned Peter!

Peter lived in a little brick house,

With two fiery daughters and a little green chameleon,

And a big white dog and a little blue camper wagon,

And a realio, trulio, tame Welsh dragon.

Now the name of the white dog was Luna,

And the two fiery daughters we’ll call them Una and Duna

And the tall blonde dragon was sharp as Mustard,

But Peter was flake, so we’ll call him Custard.

Custard the would-be match reporter had big sharp teeth,

And spikes on top of him and scales underneath,

Mouth like a sewer, and a suction pump for a nose,

And realio, trulio, tattooed daggers on his toes.

The Dragon was as brave as a barrel full of bears,

And Una and Duna chased triathletes down the stairs,

Luna was as brave as a tiger in a rage,

But Custard just cried for a well-stocked cage.

The Dragon tickled him, she tickled him unmerciful,

Una, Duna and Luna, they rudely called him Percival,

They all sat laughing in their little red campervan

At the realio, trulio, cowardly reporter man.

The Dragon laughed till she shook the house up,

And Luna said Woof!, which is giggling for a pup,

Una and Duna rudely asked his age,

When Custard cried for a nice stocked cage.

Now Custard had a passion

A sport oft considered out of fashion

Cricket was its name

And playing for anyone was Custard’s game

Came the night in question

Excelsior Batters were out to make an impression

Riding Mill the chosen venue

And Mallards were on the menu

The toss was won, the choice was made

Mallards to bat and show them what’s at

Kent and Ankush were first at the crease

Soon retiring after making 25 apiece

Up next came Custard, snorting like an engine,

Clashed his tail like irons in a dungeon,

With a clatter and a clank and a jangling squirm

He went at Excelsior attack like a robin at a worm.

Swinging to the left, swinging to the right

It all came to nought for the only duck of the night

Excelsior sensing a collapse rotated through their bowling attack,

But Hamid was well up to the job of holding them back

Nurdling to the left, nurdling to the right

Another retirement on 25 was soon in sight

With Hall and Holland seeing the innings safely to the close

124 for just the loss of Custard – a respectable gross

Suddenly, suddenly was heard a nasty sound,

As all the Mallards looked around.

Meowch! cried Liaquat, and Ooh! Ankush peeled,

For Custard had started marshalling his field

Undeterred Mexter bowled with no sense of fraught

Calmly bagging a brace, one bowled, one caught.

Browne under captain’s orders tried to run amuck

But despite best endeavours had no luck

Next up the Latif twins to deliver some derring-do

Newcomer Tony bagging a further two

As overs ticked down the run-rate crept higher

Victory for Mallards must surely be surefire

Custard seeking to reverse his earlier luck

Bowled tidily at the death i.e. didn’t suck

And as the score reached ninety nine

For Excelsior it was also the end of the line

At the end of match The Dragon embraced him, Luna licked him,

No one dared mention him being the only victim

Though Una and Duna in glee did gyrate

Around Custard just making him more irate

Victory by twenty five, a comfortable win

And off the teams piled to the local Inn

Being Mallards that must surely have meant

Beer and food to celebrate the event

Now this whole tale has been relayed second-hand

With only a scorebook on which to expand

Yet who needs detail to embellish story

When a humble ode is enough to relay the glory?

Now Peter still lives in his red brick house,

With his two fiery daughters and little green chameleon,

And a big white dog and a little blue camper wagon,

And yes a realio, trulio, tame Welsh dragon.

The Dragon’s as brave as a barrel full of bears,

And Una and Duna still chase triathletes down the stairs,

Luna is as brave as a tiger in a rage,

But Custard still cries for his well-stocked cage.

Very loosely based on a poem by Ogden Nash  (Apologies to Mr Nash, his descendants and Vogon’s everywhere and to fellow Mallards for this blatant bid for an end of season trophy)

The French are not known for their interest or prowess at Cricket (except Ritchie Benaud whose ancestry is French). However, Napoleon once said Victory is not winning the battle…but raising every time you fall which is axiomatic if you are a Mallard.

On a cloudy and muggy evening both teams assembled at Gosforth (more or less) and after some brief wrangling about who had the most players MCC went into bat. Davipart were briefly loaned Beacock who for the record made no attempts at the Friendly Fire award, fortunately skipper McCaffrey (pictured) had distracted Dunhill somehow [the editorial team have been trying to decipher this line, after some significant delving, allegedly it involved a copy of Crag Hoppers Monthly and a bottle of Clinique Moisturiser for Men – ed.]. Meanwhile at the crease Captain McCaffrey and Hamid opened the batting facing Thompson and Ship. It was a solid start from the MCC opening pair against some accurate bowling and tight fielding including McCaffrey being dropped on 6.

However, Hamid had begun getting his eye in early lacing a couple of fours from Ship’s first over. Things were slower against the veteran Thompson, and eventually the pressure told with McCaffrey run out for 9 from a fine bit of fielding. In came Lucas champing at the bit for runs but despite some fine looking shots he found it hard get beyond the ring of fielders supporting the Davipart bowlers. Hamid continued to make progress particularly against Ship who was withdrawn from the attack after conceding 10 from his third over. By this time Dillon joined the attack and the tight bowling continued with Hamid bowled after a late innings flurry for 29. With Liam [one of Peter Nitsch’s two black-book ringers sorry potential new recruits for the evening – ed.] caught and bowled Dillon for 2 in the following over MCC were looking wobbly at 53-3 from 11 overs and Wilson joining Lucas at the crease. Soon things were going to look even darker, as Lucas and Wilson managed to get into the mother of all running tangles (or farce as it transpired) with Wilson wandering off seemingly run out for 1 only to be recalled after a long discussion between Umpire Mexter and the Davipart team resulting in a final outcome of Lucas being adjudged to have been run out first for 8.

Davipart had clearly seen Wilson bat before and knew that they were now into the tail. Wilson having been reprieved was joined at the crease by James [also a captive of the little black book– ed.]. Napoleon tells us here – “Never ascribe to malice which is adequately explained by incompetence”. So now for the second incident of the evening featuring umpire Mexter and the Davipart team – James was clean bowled (or was he? – apparently he was according to Wiki-Taylor when consulted by phone later). Mexter had confidently called a no ball. Bowler asked for detail of the transgression. A discussion ensued and although it was agreed that it had not been a no ball the Davipart team in true sporting fashion allowed James to remain. Boney says about this “I would rather have a general who was lucky than one who was good

And so the game was on a knife edge with two batsmen feeling invincible and they began to rack up a series of quick singles punctuated by a lovely boundary from James and a streaky edged four from Wilson to move the scoring rate along rapidly before Wilson rode his luck too far and was caught by the wicketkeeper for 11 with James bowled next for a swift 13. Beacock made a brief 2, bowled trying to move the score along, Browne (5) and Dunhill [heavily moisturised – ed.] (1) saw the Mallards innings close at 91-7, but would it be enough?

Someone once said “a Leader is a dealer in hope”… certainly acting Skipper McCaffrey believed that a Mallards win was possible.

The bowling was opened by Browne who kept it very tight including a maiden in his second over with James also restricting the flow of runs from the other end – Browne finishing with 0-6 with the ring of fielding steel keeping the flow of scoring to a minimum. Here McCaffrey led by example, with Hamid, Lucas and Beacock contributing some great stops also.

However, the Davipart openers were resolute with the first change coming after 5 overs for 25 runs. It looked like it was going to be close with Watson and Mexter warming up to join the fray. McCaffrey, channelling the French Emperor did what his opponent wished him to do least, unleashing Watson who promptly took a wicket with his first ball and then went for two fours in the same over. Mexter at the other end looked steady as he weaved his magic, finishing his spell with final figures of 0-14. It was the final over from Watson that was to signal the beginning of the end of the Davipart resistance, clean bowling two batsman in a whirlwind over which led to one bail ending up halfway to the boundary!

Next change was Dunhill and Liam who continued the strangle with Liam miserly taking 2 wickets and Dunhill taking 3 one bowled and with one caught and bowled and the other a stunning catch from McCaffrey. The fight was at an end with the home team almost at a standstill finishing their innings with 83-9. At least that’s what the scorebook implies although the scorers, including 12th man and Mallard-in-waiting Dr Jonnie Kimmitt, were prematurely working on the principle that “history is a version of the past that people have decided to agree on”.

Napoleon said: “Glory is fleeting and Obscurity is forever”. This was an evening of glory. The obscurity will come later (as it has done on many occasions in the past).

Around 2000 years ago Jesus Howard Christ came into this world through a VERY complicated surrogacy/fostering/adoption programme which no-one fully understands to this day.

Fast forward 2000 years to the present and “Jesus H Christ” is an expression commonly heard on the cricket pitch during Mallards games amongst men who don’t fully understand why they put themselves through it week after week!

Speaking of people who don’t fully understand what they are doing, captain for tonight’s game was Mark “Buxom” Buckley, being groomed (pause for horrific flashback to his school years) for a potential future of more regular captaincy – we’ll see how that goes. At the toss, with Buxom and Ovingham’s vice-captain discussing who had the most players still en-route, Mallards lost the toss and Ovingham decided to bat (based purely on the fact that they had fewer players available at that time). With Mallards still waiting for Messrs Gibbons and Holland, we took to the field with 2 players from Ovingham kindly volunteering to field for us – a big thank you to Ray and Jonah for that.

Opening with Browne from the Sheep Field End, Browne was on it from the start and clean bowled Ovingham’s opener, D Hall, for a duck. This brought Ovingham’s captain (who’d arrived just as the game was about to start) Derrick to the crease. A few balls later he was dropped at slip, when Buckley spilled a sharp chance diving to his right, for nought. Would this prove expensive? We’ll find out shortly. At the end of the over, Jonah and Marley were replaced by Hollands Snr and Jnr, Thomas stepping in to the breach to cover for Gibbons, who’d arrived late and was still getting ready. Opening from the Extremely Tall Trees End was Mr Watson and he only conceded 2 runs from his first over. He also took a wicket with the last ball of the over, R Hall, caught by someone – I can’t tell you who as it’s not registered in the scorebook! (Good to see the skipper was paying attention rather than gazing at the sheep – webmaster) I’m sure that this can be rectified at some point in time. So, after 2 overs, Ovingham were 3-2. Not a bad start at all.

After one over on the field, Holland Jnr made way for the now-ready Gibbons and the official team-sheet line-up was complete. The good start from Mallards continued with a maiden over from Browne (a bye came from it) and Watson only had 10 come from his 2^nd over which did include a 6 from Derrick (that drop by Buckley when Derrick was on nought beginning to look problematic). Browne then had another maiden and then a further 9 runs from Watson’s 3^rd over which did include another 6, this time from 4^th batsmen D Tate. Browne finished off his spell by only conceding 6 runs off his final over ending with figures of 4-2-7-1. Not bad at all. Watson conceded 7 runs of his final over and finished with figures of 4-0-28-1. His bowling was certainly better than the 28 runs that came off his overs. Replacing Browne from the Sheep Field End was Dunhill who, despite conceding a 4 off his first delivery, managed to bowl 5 dot balls for the remainder of his over. Replacing Watson at the Extremely Tall Trees End was Nitsch and, in his first over, despite being tonked for a couple of 4s, he took the wicket of Tate, clean bowled for 22. At the end of the 10^th over, Ovingham were 52 for 4. Halfway through the Ovingham innings, it’s probably about level on points (to use boxing parlance) between the two sides.

Both Dunhill and Nitsch kept it fairly tight in their bowling, with Dunhill especially unlucky not to get a wicket and his finishing figures (4-0-23-0) were, like Watson’s, slightly unfair for what his bowling deserved. Dunhill was the unfortunate victim of a rather huge 6 off his 3^rd over to which the fence at the Sheep Field End was also a rather unfortunate victim after being hit by McCaffery’s crotch who had tried to follow the ball into the field! Nitsch kept his bowling tight and after we’d seen the retirement of Derrick for 31 (so yes, that drop from Buckley when he was on nought did prove expensive) he took the wicket of Marley for 4. Nitsch finished with figures of 4-1-17-2 – great stuff.

To close off the overs, Buckley brought on Latif from the Sheep Field End and Gibbons from the Extremely Tall Trees End for the final four overs. Both put in great effort and both conceded 15 runs from their two overs. Ovingham finished on 111 from their 20 overs thanks to 3 sixes, several dropped catches and 17 extras. However, a great effort from the fielding side and, with the batting line-up for Mallards, a target of 112 was certainly achievable with a required run rate of only 5.6 runs per over (less than a run a ball for those struggling with the mathematics of it all).

Sending out an opening partnership of Kent and McCaffery, the expectations were high and those were certainly met by the openers who scored 8 off the first over from P Hall and then 9 off the first over from Derrick. After 2 overs, Mallards were 17-0 compared to Ovingham’s 3-2. A far better start and also well ahead of the run rate. Hall and Derrick kept it slightly tighter in their second overs, conceding only 3 runs apiece but we were on course for what was needed – no concerns from the boundary rope from either the team or the captain. To be honest, we were so confident that most people were taking Mr Nitsch’s dog for regular walks, such was the belief that we wouldn’t require any batsmen lower than number 5. After 2 overs from the Sheep Field End, P Hall was replaced by Ray Marley and he tightened up the bowling a little by only conceding 4 runs from his first over. It was the same from the other end where R Hall came on to bowl and he only conceded 2 runs from his first over. The run rate was slowing down somewhat and, after striking Marley for 3 fours in his second over, Kent played on and was bowled for 23. This brought Holland to the wicket and he ably supported McCaffery, who was still there. Although the run rate had slowed down somewhat, both batsmen continued to persevere, gradually accumulating runs over the next few overs when, in the 10^th over, McCaffery succumbed to the bowling of R Hall for 22, clean bowled.

Joining Holland at the wicket was Gibbons and he was off the mark immediately by scoring 2. At the end of the 10^th over, Mallards were 56 for 2 and were exactly where they needed to be from a run-rate perspective and with plenty of wickets in hand. Ovingham were 52-4 at the same point. Valiant efforts from both batsmen over the next few overs kept the score ticking along but we slowly started to fall behind the required run rate and then, in the 14^th over during the bowling of M Bowey (brought on to replace Marley at the Sheep Field End [who’d finished with figures of 4-0-21-1]), Holland decided to go for a little walk. Unfortunately, the ball wasn’t dead and he was run out for 13. This brought the skipper to the wicket and he was in no mood to either lose his wicket or lose this game. Mentioning to Gibbons upon arrival at the crease that the run-rate needed to be upped they set about their task and, by the end of over 15, had moved the score on to 85-3, back above the required run rate. Unfortunately, in the next over, Gibbons fell to the bowling of Derrick, clean bowled from the Extremely Tall Trees End.

Nitsch ambled to the wicket and, after instructions from Buckley stating that there’s plenty of space for 1s, 2s and the occasional 4, subsequently went about providing a full-blooded swish at EVERY delivery he received. This resulted in Nitsch pulling his arse and made him even more immobile than normal. It was, however, very amusing! After trying to struggle on for a few deliveries, it was decided that a runner was required for Nitsch. This proved more difficult than it should have done, however, we eventually had Browne volunteering himself for the task in hand [pedantic umpires note, it should have been one of the openers! – ed.].

Whilst keeping Mr Browne informed as to what was required during the overs, the Captain took it upon himself to keep Nitsch off strike and ensure that the runs required were achieved with the minimum of effort and requirement for a runner! Hitting the returning P Hall for 13 off his 3^rd over and the innings’ 18^th over, Buckley and Nitsch/Browne knocked off the remaining 8 runs between them and the game was won – Buckley finishing on 27 not out and Nitsch limping to the end with 3 not out.

Everyone will agree that it was a great game played in the true spirit of Mallardian friendlies – good craic, everyone getting an opportunity and a closely fought outcome.

After the game, everyone retired to the pub for drinks, food and further banter. With a VERY good turn out from both teams plus additional family members/supporters [just as well given the generous portions of chips and sausages that the pub doled out – ed.], it was like the pagan festivities of old – drink, food and socialising. You never know, rather like Jesus H Christ and his followers, maybe we can “borrow” this festival of post-match celebration from the Pagans and repeat it on a regular basis. We won’t, however, use 25^th December as that’s already been stolen, sorry, utilised!

It is with trepidation this newbie (to the Mallards not life!) writes his first match report after perusing some of the iconic reports from the past, some written by playwrights, authors, philosophers and even Emoji fans!

As the match start loomed, with only 7 Mallards being present, Skip Stig’s batting  order had to be hastily re-arranged. Both the Mallards big batting guns of Buckley and Kent were missing being caught up in traffic congestion which could end up causing a jam for the Mallards later!

Mallards opened with McCaffrey and in a rare outing Despot Taylor. McCaffrey got off to a good start managing to hit a four which was no mean feat in a low scoring match due to the size of the boundaries and the condition of the outfield. Taylor was first out bowled by the pacy S Boothroyd for 3. McCaffrey soon followed bowled again by S Boothroyd for a quickfire 12. The Mallards were 17 for 2. Still no sign of the batting Supertwins of Buckley and Kent. The Mallards were in a panic Watto was even padded up! Latif was promoted up the order to join Skip Stig. Both began a steady  accumulation of runs, with nervous looks to see if the real batsmen had arrived (Sorry to all those Stattos but maybe thankfully no end of over score for the Mallard’s innings  can be given as it was not in the  score book).

Eventually the supertwins arrived and Stig confirmed to Latif that they now needed to up the scoring rate. So accordingly Stig in the very next over  played out a maiden, maybe the Skip’s thoughts were trying to impress the ECB for a place in the Test squad which was to be announced later in the day! Latif was eventually caught off the bowler Haman for 18 with the score on 45/3. Stig soon followed after being caught off the bowling of Boothroyd (‘the Junior’) for 12 with the score on  52 for 4 in the 15^th over (approx). Buckley and Kent who are normally used to dealing in boundaries unusually upped the scoring rate in ones and twos. Buckley managing only the second boundary of the innings before being run out for 10 with score on 70 for 5. Kent tried to get as many runs in an almost McCaffrey-esque way as possible  and was eventually run out for 20 with the score being 84 for 6 leaving Wisbach 2 not out and Brown 0 not out at the end of the innings. It left the Mallards on a final  total of 87 which felt about 10 runs short of par which surely would have been more likely achieved with the supertwins opening. The stand out Durham Staff bowlers being the pacy S Boothroyd who ended up with figures of 2 for 10 off 4 overs and the spinner Haman with figures of 1 for 10 off 4 overs.

Durham Staff began their innings with Browne and Watson opening the bowling for the Mallards. Both bowled tightly. Watson got a breakthrough in his first over bowling Wriede for 1 with the score being 5 for 1. Both bowlers had great opening spells. Browne bowling 3 overs, 1 for 11, Watson 3 overs, 1 for 14. The score at the end of the 6 overs was 28 for 1. The match was on for a close finish, Skip Stig then turned to the twin attack of Dunhill and Wisbach. Both bowlers had excellent frugal and probing spells. Dunhill eventually had success bowling Gillespie for 24, in 11^th over with the score on 49 for 2. The ‘Wizard’ of Wisbach was very unlucky from the other end having the opposition bamboozled with his tricky leg spin, and was particularly unlucky when Beacock – having an otherwise great day behind the stumps – dropped a sharp catch off Whitfield’s edge. Dunhill and Wisbach both completed their overs. Dunhill finishing  his 4 overs with 1 for 17 and Wisbach his  4 overs with a miserly 0 for 14. Skip Stig had no option in the last 4 overs to turn to his part time bowlers of himself and Latif. Stig with his marvellous mix of liquorice allsorts (which sometimes even keeps him guessing) managed to bowl Whitfield for a well made 29. The match came down to the wire with 12 needed from the last 12 balls. In the penultimate over bowled by Latif, Chowdhury managed to hit a boundary four which was probably the killer blow and was also only the second boundary of the Durham Staff’s  innings. Metcalfe was then run out for 15  by a great long distance direct hit by Dunhill with the score on 84 for 5. Two runs were needed off Stig’s last over but despite the Skip’s best efforts the Durham Staff won the match with two balls to spare, winning by 6 wickets [somehow the reporter, perhaps in fear of future placement in the starting XI, has neglected to point out that it was our own Despot’s misfielding that saw the final two runs conceded – ed.].

Mallards with a much-improved fielding performance (from the last match) co-ordinated well by Stig and which was epitomised by ‘Terrier’ McCaffery who ran everything down in the field (but thankfully did not want his belly tickled as a reward) and held on to 2 catches. Also a mention of Kent and particular to his ‘Terminator’ arm which was responsible for keeping the runs down on number of occasions. Mallards were ultimately left ruing the earlier traffic jam and the temporary absence of our usual openers, which left us all pondering  “Buckley Buckley where art thou Buckley (and Kent) ?”

Despite the taking part in a close and thrilling match, this newbie’s best memory of the day and what epitomises the spirit of the Mallards Cricket Club came at the end of the day with the team photograph. As the photo was being taken under the setting sun in the Durham skies, the Tribe called Mallards chanted to a man “Cleaver, Cleaver ,Cleaver”. A fitting tribute to the legend Tony Trigger-finger Cleaver. Best wishes Tony get well and hope to see you soon back on the cricket field.

It was a foreboding evening. The clouds had slowly been gathering over the North East and had been inching ever closer towards the coast. Then, with timing as perfect as a Stewart Lee punchline, the rain started to fall before the game started. Would this be the nail in the coffin for the game? Would the fact that a decent percentage of the Mallards team were stuck in the various traffic jams apparently springing up around Newcastle and North Tyneside mean that we’d be happy for the game not to go ahead? Would Brexit turn out to be just a dream instead of the total nightmare it’s so blatantly becoming? Just so many questions and the answers, like catching opportunities during Mallards’ fielding throughout the years, are either just out of grasp or dropped before things are all confirmed!

However, our inspiring captain, Stig, was undeterred and, having left the dressing room (big enough to fit only 4 Mallardian expanding waistlines at a time) to conduct the coin toss with the opposition captain (Fred) came back and informed us that we were batting. The joy was missing from everyone’s faces and, begrudgingly, we started padding up.

As a King’s School Old Boy myself, these games have a little bit more meaning to me than some others. Playing at Prior’s Park takes me back to my school days of running round the grass track, stumbling down the steep slopes to retrieve cricket balls and standing around in the pouring rain on a cold December afternoon. The only thing different this evening was that it wasn’t December!

We opened with Captain Stig and McCaffrey and it seemed like Colin was going to be playing hit and run – no matter where the ball went. Or to whom it went!! After some singles, a boundary from McCaffrey and a few extras the first wicket fell at 15 when Stig played on to his stumps from the bowling of G Moir. When crossing on their respective ways to and from the wicket, Buckley took Stig’s bat and Stig stated that it doesn’t have a middle. After a few dot balls to get his eye in, Buckley decided to show Stig that it did indeed have a middle and tonked the last ball of the over for 4. McCaffrey and Buckley exchanged singles (and a couple of extras) and Buckley even asked the bowler to apologise for the beamer that caused him to take evasive action off one delivery. Unfortunately, it was during this over that McCaffrey lost his wicket when a delivery stayed very low and went under his shot, ending up with a clean bowled for Imran, the bowler. This brought Latif to the wicket, successfully seeing out the over.

By now, Buckley was a tad bored with singles and hit the next 3 balls for 2 fours and a six. Admittedly, he was dropped off the 2^nd four when it went straight through the fielders hands. To be fair, the fielder did stop it going for a six. Lesson learned, Buckley twatted [a technical shot term that apparently Geoffrey Boycott was once heard to use, allegedly – ed.] the next delivery higher and further to ensure it got nowhere near the fielder and land well over the boundary rope. There were a couple of singles of the rest of the over and that was the end of Moir from the bowling.

The first change of bowler brought Absolom on, a young female bowler with a straight, accurate line that proved awkward to get away. So it proved as she opened with a wicket maiden, clean-bowling Latif for 1. This brought Moran to the wicket and she saw out the over safely. Ferris took over from Moir at the Collingwood end and gave Buckley a bouncer that whistled just past his nose. Taking umbrage at this, Buckley thwacked the next delivery right back at the bowler who fended it away with his hands and Buckley/Moran ran 2. Well, at least we thought he’d used his hands. The fact he lay on the ground for some considerable time indicated that the bowler had used his head to deflect the ball away. On the plus side, he saved a certain 4. A rather delicate end to the over by Ferris saw another 2 runs added. Absolom returned for her 2^nd over at the other end and ended up with another wicket maiden – clean bowling Moran for a duck with her first delivery. During her bowling to Ellie, the umpire (I won’t name you Mr Dunhill so your reputation can remain intact) mentioned that this was the first time he’d seen girl on girl action. After Buckley offered to lend him some videos/dvds [surely just bookmarked URL’s nowadays? – ed.], the umpire clarified his remarks in that he’d not seen a female bowler bowling at a female batter during a Mallards game. Different times this, Mr Dunhill. The #MeToo/#TimesUp movements have moved into the realms of midweek friendly cricket! Anyhow, the loss of Moran brought Bateman to the wicket who saw it out with 5 dot balls.

Ferris continued and Buckley/Bateman exchanged a few singles before Bateman finished off the over with a 4. The score increased relatively rapidly (despite Black bowling a maiden over after replacing Absolom following her 2 overs – she’ll be back though) as Bateman opened his shoulders and hit a few boundaries whilst Buckley supported with the occasional single. In Black’s 2^nd over, Buckley cut him away for 4 which brought up his retirement after scoring 31 with Mallards’ score at 75-4. Kent managed a couple of singles and a 2 before holing out to a fielder in the covers off the bowling of Black for only 4, bringing Browne to the wicket. Replacing Ferris, Banzil seemed a tidy enough bowler and, sure enough, took the wicket of Bateman, clean bowling him for a score of 21. Browne and Watson did their utmost to play scoring shots but, frustratingly for all concerned, played and missed when connecting would have brought certain runs. Browne was out for only 2 as he was caught & bowled by Banzil before Watson was eventually put out of his misery, clean bowled by Banzil for 4. The last over was to be bowled by Absolom who, with her first ball, clean bowled Haylock for a duck. This brought Buckley back to the crease who, having played for Mallards before, had kept his pads on to face her bowling. After 15 unblemished deliveries from Absolom, Mallards finally managed to score off her bowling when Buckley got her away for a single before Dunhill followed that up with another single with a shot that deserved a higher return. Another quick 2 from Buckley and Mallards ended up on 93-9, with Buckley not out on 35. Not magnificent but certainly a score that could be defended with accurate bowling, tidy fielding and keeping extras to a minimum! If only we knew some players who could achieve that.

By now, the rain had stopped and the clouds were dispersing over the North Sea bringing some lovely low sunshine to contend with at certain ends of the ground. Mainly the Collingwood end and the Allotment Side.

KSOB opened with Coyne and A Moir. Moir played and missed a lot. So much so, he had Kenty sledging in his ear quite regularly about an edge coming sooner rather than later. However, the scorebook states something different as apparently he would only score in boundaries – with a couple of singles hidden in there. In all honesty, the bowling of both Browne and Watson deserved better than what their figures indicate. A nice, tight opening over from Browne conceded only 4 runs with Kenty (who was donning the gloves in this match for Mallards) constantly interested with the ball not missing either the bat or stumps by much. Watson unluckily had a couple of boundaries off his first over but Moir had played and missed the rest! Both Watson and Browne continued with Watson getting all four overs in and finished with figures of 4-0-32-0. Browne was a bit more economical and finished with figures of 3-0-14-0. Both deserved at least a wicket each as their bowling was rather competitive.

Bateman replaced Browne but, unfortunately, couldn’t seem to find his rhythm or line [parenthood may have something to with this, interpret the earlier half of this sentence as you will – ed.]. With several extras and boundaries in his first over, the score jumped from 41-0 after 6 overs to 57-0 after 7 overs. This coincided with the retirement of A Moir for a score of 32 – consisting of 7 fours! With Watson finishing off his 4 overs Dunhill replaced him and was very economical in his first over with only 3 runs conceded. Haylock came on to replace Bateman who’d been slightly expensive with 2-0-22-0 (a sort of numerically dyslexic binary system) and went for 8 off his first over. Dunhill continued at the Collingwood end and got our first wicket of the evening with the 3^rd delivery of his second over when he clean bowled Peffer for 12. I have to admit that this is the first time that I’ve seen a bowler celebrate loudly BEFORE the ball has hit the stumps! This brought Imran to the crease and he subsequently tonked his first delivery to the boundary for 4 before Dunhill restricted him beautifully for the final 2 balls of the over, not conceding any further runs. However, the damage had been done and after 12 overs, KSOB were on 91-1 with 1 opener retired and the other one about to hit the winning runs from Haylock’s bowling. Which he did with a 2 and a 4 though Haylock did make them work for it as there were 3 dot balls in the over.

So, at the end of the day, a valiant effort but KSOB won out by nine wickets on the evening with better overall batting and better bowling. However, Mallards know where their priorities lie as there was a fabulous turn-out at the Tynemouth Lodge for a post-match beverage (see above).  KSOB had a big fat 0 – their only duck of the night. (For clarity it should be emphasised that the words ‘big’ and ‘fat’ in that last sentence are not meant to be a caption for the above photo)

The Captain looked outside at the bleak, wintry landscape. There was no sign of humanity, even the polar bears had sought shelter. He looked back at his men, huddled together, shivering in the freezing conditions. He pulled on his long-sleeved jumper, muttered a quick prayer and, clutching a single coin in his blue-tinted hand, turned to leave.

‘I may be some time,’ he said. And then he was gone.  Sadly, he lost the toss and we had to field.

The season began, as always, amidst rain showers. The covers were off, then back on again, then off again as the sturdy warriors of Walbottle and Mallards heaved them up the steep hill towards the nets.  Latif, treacherously, hoped for a cancellation – dinner at Sachin’s later that night calling out to him. However, once the weather had settled a little a game of 16 overs was decided, the captains fearing the dark skies to come. Walbottle got off to a rapid start with nine runs coming from Browne’s first over. That was as good as it got for the home side. Dunhill began his spell in style, Malik clutching a catch at the second attempt at mid-off – a good catch but no match for what was to come.

Browne, smarting from his shaky start, steamed in only to see the ball sail over his head, swirling high in the grey skies, a lone fielder giving chase in the distant outfield. The fielding team sighed as they realised the lone fielder was Watson – even Watson sighed. Nonetheless, in true Mallards fashion he didn’t give up, running around in circles like a demented Morris dancer as the ball corkscrewed towards the earth before sticking out a hand and taking a superlative catch, whilst still having time to scream ‘YESSSSS!’ You could see the home team’s heads drop. They dropped even further when Dunhill trapped opener Harrington lbw in his next over to reduce the home side to 17-3 from four overs.  Browne chipped in with a maiden (1-11) and Dunhill finished off his spell with another very tidy over to end with 2-9.

Watson was next to step up, his confidence visibly boosted by his unlikely catch.  And boosted even more when he clean-bowled Cairns with his first ball. In his next over he repeated the trick, this time Robbie was the unfortunate victim.  With Latif bowling tidily from the other end Walbottle looked like a team who’d rather be at home, in front of the fire, roasting chestnuts or something – 31-5 from 10 overs.  Watson almost repeated his first-ball trick in his third over, Wood tipping the ball over the bar in true Schmeichel-esque style but nevertheless finished with the excellent figures of 2-5 from his three overs, Latif ending with 0-9 from his three.

With the score almost stationary – 37-5 from 12 overs – skipper Butcher decided to throw on his occasional bowlers. However, the wind was now in Mallards favour as Mussett, having swapped the keeper’s pads with Kent, bowled a wicket maiden finding the edge of the home skipper’s bat, his successor pouching the catch, standing up – 37-6. Malik bowled a couple of tidy overs for eight runs whilst at the other end, Holland, given his chance after impressing in the nets, bowled a lovely over for just one run.  Walbottle trooped off knowing the game was up, their final score just 48-6. An excellent bowling and fielding effort from Mallards in the cold conditions – only one boundary conceded in 16 overs.

Kent and Mussett opened the reply for Mallards with the home side hoping for an early finish. Latif, in particular, was keen to get away, his dinner reservation at Sachin’s getting perilously close.  Surprisingly Mussett blocked the first five balls – clearly having learned a defensive shot in the indoor nets this winter.  The sixth went for four. In the next over he hit two more boundaries as Latif started to dream of making the starters.

That dream, however, began to fade as Mussett was bowled in the fourth over for 17 and new batsman McCaffery, clearly tired from his earlier ball-polishing efforts, came and went quickly for 0 to leave Mallards on a precarious 22-2 from 6 overs.

Wood joined Kent at the crease and the pair dropped anchor, Wood scoring in true Morse Code fashion – only without the dashes: fifteen dot balls in his first sixteen balls.  The scoreboard at this stage appeared to freeze up and at the halfway point the away team were marginally ahead of the rate – 26-2 after eight overs. Still the batsmen refused to open up, manfully chipping away at the target, indifferent to the cries of ‘Hit Out or Get Out’ from the boundary. Latif saw his starter disappear and started to worry about his main course. 32-2 from 10 overs became 36-2 from 12, with 14 runs needed from the final four overs for victory.  Enough was enough. Kent finally opened his shoulders to find two boundaries as 12 runs came off the 13^th over to leave Mallards one run from victory.  Wood was not going to give in so easily though, playing out one more maiden over to rob Latif of his  Vegetable Balti, before Kent hit the winning runs with 11 balls left. A perfectly-judged run chase by any standards as Mallards ran out winners by 8 wickets.  Kent finished on 24 not out, Wood, a steadfast 6 not out.

Latif dashed off, hoping there was at least some Kulfi left. The remaining Mallards gathered in the bar to celebrate an opening victory and warm their hands over a Tyneside Blonde. I think her name was Moira.