Category Archives: Match Reports

Match Reports 2019

Mallards v Excelsior Batters @ Riding Mill May 16

This assignment was given me in the time-honoured way.  Getting out of my car in a shady parking area behind the Wellington, I was seized from behind and forced, face down, onto the car bonnet.

‘Your turn, match report!’ hissed someone holding a bat across the back of my neck. ‘That clear?’

‘Errr…, but I’m about to go on holiday’

‘New skipper’s orders – all leave is cancelled’.

A fairly ordinary day in Brexit Britain, I reflected, as I dabbed at my bleeding nose and went to join team members seated outside the pub. It dawned on me, as the falling evening temperature slowed the circulation and thus staunched the blood flow, that the hierarchy’s insistence on always sitting outside was probably connected to this effect.  Cancelling a holiday that my wife had organised was the scarier of the options facing me, so I took the risk and went off to ‘the continent’ – wearing my badge of 12 gold stars on a blue background, and (of course) my Mallards CCC green baggy.

Time flies when you are sheltering from the rain in pubs and bars, and now, here in Dunkerque (from where our last withdrawal from Europe took just a few days), I have the problem of recalling what the hell happened at Riding Mill on 16 May?   In a desperate search for inspiration I think of a marvellous book by M.N. Srinivas, The Remembered Village (OUP, 1976).  Mallardian teammates will of course be familiar with this masterly work, containing insights into rural commercialisation processes and concepts of peasant rationality.  Its anthropologist author lost several years’ worth of collected materials to an arsonist, and was forced to write the 356-page tome largely from memory.

Seated in Le Moule Rit, Malo-les-Bains, looking over ‘the beach’, I am playing for time, and seeking further inspiration.  Belgian-style local beers should do the trick.  (I’ve always argued that, for success, the Remain case needed only to display posters of these brews).  I have before me a bottle of La Chouffe – spicy, with bready notes and touches of coriander and lemon.  This golden, robust (8%) brew from Brasserie d’Achouffe is named after the Chouffe gnomes of the Ardennes mountains.  The magical gnomes ran their own brewery for many years, until the brewery was destroyed.  Fortunately, one of them passed on the recipe to the founders of Brasserie d’Achouffe.

Yes, the picture is becoming clearer…

It was a day when if you stood with your back to the cold breeze from the coast, the bright sunshine would warm your face (and make it hard to see the ball).  The match start-up rituals were accompanied by cheerful cacophonic birdsong.   Any observer taking his place on the splendid John Rob seat surveyed a Riding Mill sports ground in simply splendid condition.

Let’s pause first to set the match in context.  Mallards was struggling to find form in the early season, making a match against the Excelsior team very timely.  Its record against the Batters over the past six seasons was roughly in proportion to the share of Tories willing to throw away Scotland and Northern Ireland, in order to send the country into chaos: P9 W6 L3.  But… which Mallards would turn up on the day – the ‘comically inept’ one or the ‘surprisingly average’ crew?

Opener Hamid Malik started slowly against steady bowling, taking only six singles off the first 16 deliveries he faced. He then struck a four.  He must have regretted such rash action, and proceeded to post a batch of eight successive singles, before cutting loose with some boundaries to earn a rest with 33 against his name.  His early partners, the flamboyant Ankush (lbw for 2), gritty McCaffrey (bowled, 2) and phlegmatic Nistch (bowled, 6), made little headway, but skipper Buckley steadied the ship, striking four boundaries in a brisk 25, before a rap on the pads caused his departure.  The rest of the batting did not amount to much: Greenwood contributed 6, but the Doub’yas – Wood, Watson and Wilkinson – accumulated only three runs between them, and Stone somehow contrived not to get the team to three figures.  The Mallards final score – a respectable, if eminently gettable, 99-9 – was achieved with the aid of 18 extras.

More help is needed, I think, with accessing my episodic memory… The retrieval process is running up against the problem of distraction or divided attention at the very point of memory encoding.  (It should be noted that my deficiency here is nothing out of the ordinary – the problem of distraction or divided attention has always existed within the Mallards, whether batting, bowling or fielding).  Nothing else for it but another elixir to hopefully induce a relaxed state and enable better access to memory items… Vedett Extra Blond is selected. Brewed by Duvel Moortgat, this pale yellow brew (5.2%), with a distinctly dry finish, has both malt and hoppy aromas, fruity tones, and hints of vanilla.

Now, back to 16 May…

The Batters reply was somewhat flat, as Liam Thacker and Andy Watson tore into them in the blinding low sunlight.  Greenwood, sharply stumped the opener Sharrif, as the Mallard quicks consigned six of the opposition back to the pavilion (three ducks) with only 17 showing on the board (eventually).  The pace men each took three wickets (3-7 and 3-10 respectively), with Watson actually managing to break a bail (He should be aware that the Treasurer will no doubt be sending him an invoice for this property damage, under the new regime’s funding model).  From then on, the skipper did not for one moment consider withdrawing his boot from the throat of the opposition.  Only two of the opposition batsmen were allowed to make any impression: Davidson reaching 10, and Wilkinson (batting no. 10), top-scoring with 18.

First change bowler, Stone, bowled a surprisingly high proportion of his deliveries on or around the off stump, giving keeper Greenwood little opportunity to demonstrate his athleticism down the leg side.  Only three byes were conceded during the innings, and sponsors of his distinctive protective headgear (which, I’m informed, simultaneously plays Radio 6 music) will certainly be happy.  Ankush and Nitsch weighed in with a wicket each at the end, to see Excelsior (who suffered from only having ten players) dismissed for 54 (including 10 extras) in just 15.3 overs. The 45–run victory was quick, clinical and ruthless – and the most comprehensive win in terms of runs against this particular opposition since 2013.

After a slow and faltering start, the Mallards registered an emphatic win, and by 8.30pm the team were imbibing their cold beers, in bracing conditions outside the Wellington.  Already, every ball bowled had become faster and more unplayable, and every shot executed had the poise and power of anything served up by an England captain.  Needless to say, dropped catches and mis-fields were, by now, ‘quarter-chances’ or ‘simply impossible’.  In the divided and diminished shambles that is Britain in 2019, one of its hallowed and enduring institutions, Mallards CC, had demonstrated that out of chaos can emerge a spark of capability and hope for the future. At least for a few days….

Match Reports 2019

Mallards v Benwell & Walbottle @ Walbottle Campus June 10

Here’s another tip to the selection committee, when you select a side, make sure it has at least one schmuck [ahem] willing and able match reporter in the ranks, otherwise you end up doing it yourself.

With rains of biblical proportion forecast for the next few days, the weather gods at least provided a small window of opportunity to get a game in. With a Mallards team full of players who love to get as many games in as possible (i.e. they’ll play for anyone), it looked like a strong showing was in the offing. However the much anticipated face-off before the start between VC Colin “Give it the Heeet” McCaffery and VC Stig “Strictly carrots & humous for me” Butcher failed to happen, as Butcher declared himself injured after doing something rigorous in the lake district fells and completely ignored doctor’s orders to consume a significant amount of malt whisky to speed up his recovery.

Arriving late, your reporter has no idea if McCaffery won the toss or not, only the observation that Mallards were already in the field about to start – albeit without a match ball, which was quickly rectified. By the time I had got changed the first wicket had fallen 3 balls into the innings, apparently a stunning catch taken by Hall (well that’s what Ally told me) at mid-wicket off the bowling of Thacker (coming down the hill) for a duck. In fact, both openers bowled well with Watson providing an able foil running up the hill to restrict Benwell & Walbottle to just 30 runs off the first 8 overs.

Casting around for replacement bowlers, McCaffery turned to Malik and Gibbons. Hamid bowling down the hill had a torrid first over going for 25 runs, with batsman Davey taking a liking to what he was being served up with – the score almost doubling in the space of 1 over. Meanwhile Gibbons claimed the second of the wicket of the evening, a floated up one that removed Horbury for just 4 in his first over.

McCaffery’s faith in his change bowlers was rewarded at one end with Hamid going for just 5 runs off his subsequent 3 overs, and the clean bowled removal of opener Jenkinson senior who created pressure for himself by inextricably deciding to try and cream every delivery to the boundary having being content to nurdle the previous 10 overs. That may have had something do with the fact that Jenkinson junior was now at the crease and a need to set an example. However, Jenkinson junior needed no role model and decided that Gibbons bowling was to his liking, leaving Patrick with the unflattering and definitely not deserved 1 for 41 off his 4 allotted overs.

With the score on 101 off 16 overs the skipper turned to try and find two final bowlers to see out the innings. Taylor had previously having expressed an opinion that he would try turning his arm over for an over if there really no other option and he could bowl down the hill. With not much other choice, McCaffery took the plunge and in a pique of clemency allowed Taylor to trundle down the hill. He immediately made an impact allowing Jenkinson junior to hit a 4 and become the second retiree of the evening on 31 not out. However, that cunning piece of guile also brought it rewards, somehow tying up an end and being rewarded with the wicket of Bateman for 3 bowled by one that made Stig’s “even slower” ball look decidedly pacey. Wilkinson bowled a tidy over from the downhill end and encouraged by the previous one from Taylor he was invited to bowl again.

First ball a dot, then an ambitious drive to mid-off was safely pouched by Ally Hall, running around to his left to remove Brown for 9. In comes skipper Draper only to be clean bowled by one that hovered for about half a second in front of the off stump before deciding to hit it. A rare hat-trick was on. Taylor asked for a moderately attacking field, with McCaffery in at short mid-off. Delivery made and the ball is driven low-but-straight into the normally reliable hands of the skipper only to bounce straight back out in-front of an aghast Taylor’s eyes. Robbed I tell you!! Two rubbish balls to finish the over with remarkable figures of 3 for 11, but it so could have been 4 for 5. Give me a season or seven and I may forget.

Set 128 to win (could have been more if it hadn’t been for some excellent keeping by Beacock), Kent and newcomer Zahid strode out to bat brimming full of confidence. However, there is a definite knack to setting a field at Walbottle and the home team have it and Mallards don’t. Shots that should have whizzed to the boundary instead found a conveniently placed fielder for just a single. This got all too much for Zahid, who having just hit a glorious first boundary of the innings, perished clean bowled to one that nipped back for just 6. With skipper McCaffery in next, attempts to up the tempo failed thanks to some tight bowling, the aforementioned field placings and a general refusal to take fielder’s arms on – something that the B&W lads had been particularly good at.

McCaffery, having just hit a single that bounced 6 feet short of the boundary into the waiting hands of a fielder, perished with a shot to the safe hands of mid-off for 3. Now Ally Hall has been making noises this season that he is finally going to attend an MCC end of season dinner, now that he’s realised the value of the trophies on offer. With two good catches in the match already likely to put him on the shortlist for swoop fielder, he decided to go after the most coveted trophy of all, clean bowled by a beauty for a second ball duck. Now normally the skipper would be upset by this, but as the current holder of that particular trophy, he seemed at ease that someone else was making an early bid to take it from him.

Thacker and Malik made slow but steady progress, but by the end of the 10th over Mallards still needed 99 to win. Thacker perished for 5 (singles), caught by Jenkinson senior at mid-wicket. Replacing him was Watson, who under clear instructions to “hit out or get out” followed the instruction to the letter with a quickfire 30 runs in 19 balls before retiring on 30 not out with just 14 balls to go (worth noting Malik, comfortable in the anchorman role, scored a modest 7 in the same time). However, the writing was on the wall, 50 runs were needed and Hamid had an average to play for. Gibbons valiantly tried to ensure that Malik had the majority of the strike, but in the end, it was all over with Mallards on a respectable, but sadly considerably short, 96 for 5, Malik finishing with 18 off 31 balls.

Beer, cider & other soft drinks were consumed in the club bar after, the consensus verdict of the forensic post-match analysis (which lasted all of 30 seconds) was that we should have made three figures and that certain people need to push their first run a bit quicker, or maybe it was that we’re all getting too old to be running up slopey wickets. In the meantime I’m looking into the logistics of how we pack a decent sized spirit level into the team bag.

Match Reports 2019

Mallards v Architects @ Burnmoor June 6

Mallards marked the anniversary of D-day by invading Burnmoor to face Architects.

The home team, somewhat ironically, rolled out their big guns but Mallards retaliated in kind by opening the bowling with Cleaver, an appropriate nod of acknowledgement to the only man on the pitch old enough to have personally stormed the beaches at Normandy.

Fittingly, the Architects openers treated the bowling with respect as our very own veteran began with a maiden, a feat that was soon matched by his Kiwi ally Cox at the other end, though he went one better, with a wicket maiden in his second over to reduce the home team to a mere 10-1 from four overs, McCaffrey taking a fine catch in the deep despite Latif’s valiant attempts to distract him. This was to be a high point in the first innings.

While Cleaver maintained excellent control at one end, Gibbons replaced Cox and proceeded to trade blows with the opposition. In his first two overs there were seven dot balls, sadly these were joined by four 4s and a six. At the end of eight overs Architects had reached 46-1 approximately. (Unfortunately the home scorer neglected to fill in the scorebook fully, a surprising oversight given that home team policy dictates he was unlikely to be batting or bowling and would have little else to do on a lovely sunny evening). Despite the carnage elsewhere Cleaver finished with an excellent 0-13 from his four overs.

Malik took over at the pavilion end and very considerately made Gibbons feel better by conceding 17 from his first over. Gibbons felt better still when he took a wicket in his last over, Beacock, making up for a missed opportunity from the previous ball, stumping McBain for 29 with a fine piece of glovework.  Gibbons finished his spell with a very respectable 1-30, not helped by McCaffrey practically throwing the ball over the boundary at one point. Those figures would look even more respectable by the end of the innings.

Unfortunately this wicket brought Brigham S to the crease. He seemed to have played before as 23 balls later he retired on 51, not long after the opening batsman, Wayman had been bowled by the resolute Malik for 49. Wayman was the tortoise to Brigham’s hare, taking a desperately slow 47 balls to reach approximately the same end.

Latif, brought on to enable Malik to change ends, bore the brunt of Brigham’s assault, a semi-reasonable three overs for 26 turning into four overs for 48 as four 4s and a six came off his last over. Cox’s return for the final overs almost saw a further breakthrough but Beacock dropped a difficult chance. Malik’s resultant throw at the stumps in the ensuing chaos missed by a fraction, leading to overthrows, which the bowler obviously found most amusing. Oh, how he laughed.

Architects finished on 164-3, which in comparison to some previous scores on this ground (205-0 in 2015 being a particular nadir) was considered a minor triumph.

Mallards were rallied by a Churchillian speech by skipper Butcher in the changing room where he rejected out of hand an adoption of the not-retiring rule so beloved by the home side. ‘We will never surrender… to such underhand tactics,’ he said, or words to that effect.  This was followed by a rumbling sound which we feared was thunder but fortunately turned out to be Mr Churchill turning in his grave.

Suitably inspired, opening batsman Ankush and McCaffrey started in a blaze of glory, racing to 23 from the first four overs, which was more than double the home team’s score at the same stage. This was to be a high point in the second innings. Sadly Ankush perished to the first ball of the fifth, miscuing a pull shot back to the bowler who, unfortunately  – it was later revealed – was also one of the few fielders in the opposition who could catch.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Skipper Butcher strode to the wicket like a slimmed-down Colossus, showing the same urgency with which he had evaded a fiercely-struck drive in the first innings. Ten heroically defended balls later he got off the mark with a quick single before being dropped by one of the home team’s un-named players (didn’t bat, didn’t bowl). McCaffrey, meanwhile, was smashing it all ower and after ten overs the pair had raced to 51-1, a solid platform for the remaining 114 needed off the last ten.

McCaffrey’s was then also dropped in similar fashion but his live-by-the-sword policy ended when he, somewhat inevitably, died by the sword and was caught for 22. This was clearly a key part of the vice-captain’s cunning plan to bring Cox to the crease at the perfect moment to join the skipper for the winning onslaught. Sadly, those plans had been buried under the thousands of diet sheets in the skipper’s in-tray and he hadn’t seen them. Which explains him being bowled for 17 in the next over.

Wood joined Cox at the crease, happy to rest on his bat at the non-strikers end while the Kiwi hit the winning runs. True to form Cox threw his bat at everything. Sadly, the only thing he hit was his own stumps, departing hit-wicket for 9. A more obvious attempt to win one of the Mallards’ sought after end-of-season trophies you will never see.

With that wicket the game was over. Wood and Malik bravely saw off the remaining deliveries as the innings finished on 92-4, which compared to last season’s 40 all out was the second minor triumph of the night. In contrast to the home team, whose opening six batsmen included four of their six bowlers, every single Mallard either bowled, batted or kept wicket, with the exception of Taylor, who, for obvious reasons, was kept away from all of those things.

Afterwards the Mallards gathered outside with a beer for the long awaited award of last year’s Friendly Fire and Golden Duck trophies to Messrs Beacock and McCaffrey  and to celebrate the win – our 412th moral victory in a row according to club historians.

Match Reports 2019

Mallards v Durham Staff @ Maiden Castle May 14

Piece of advice from the Despot to his captains: “word from the wise at the start of the game fix your eye on the most likely sucker and dragoon into them into doing the match report”. Well skipper Buxom certainly took that to heart and applied that wisdom to his designated choice of correspondent for the evening.

Anyone who treks to Maiden Castle at the moment will be greeted by a massive building project as Durham seeks to re-brand itself as one of the major sports-orientated universities in the UK. Perhaps a tacit acknowledgement of its ongoing slow decline as an institution of any academic value against the might of Oxford, Cambridge, London and dare I say Newcastle and even Sunderland?! [apologies to Messrs Stone and Cleaver who it goes without saying, are rare bastions of excellence who, despite their youthful appearance, are sad to say marginally closer to end of their careers than the beginning]

Part of the huge redevelopment includes the construction of a brand-spanking new indoor cricket centre for the sports elite. Sadly, that investment does not, so far, seem to have extended to the MC1 pitch, which was characterised by a lovely very-green-top wicket and a lush outfield with grass length far more suited to that other gentleman’s game, Rugger.

Maintaining what, I believe, is a 100% record, skipper Buxom lost the toss and was invited to field. Now at that point preferred keeper Kent had not arrived, so Taylor was asked to don the gloves. A plan with several flaws (which will become more apparent later), including the absence of any keeping kit in the Mallards bag. Fortunately, the Staff lads were in a generous mood and graciously offered the use of their unloved kit from the bottom of the team bag as well an offer to loan a fielder until the aforementioned missing Mallard finally showed up.

Cleaver, nowadays apparently ousted by the performance driven youth-policy-focused DUSCC (Nigel Metcalfe aside), opened the bowling for Mallards with his usual array of outswingers, only to be robbed of a 1st over wicket when Taylor, still trying work out which way to wear the loan equipment, spilled a straightforward caught behind. Cleaver, bowling with all his guile in his second over moved one sufficiently wider to catch the edge and safely avoid Taylor and instead into the safe waiting hands of Skipper Buxom at slip taking a fine reaction catch, removing Gillespie for 6. Meanwhile Watson from the trees end, plugged doggedly away and managed to remove other opener English for 4 with a well-taken catch by Mexter.

End of the 6th over and it was 22 for 2, and the team breathing a collective sigh of relief with Taylor being replaced by Kent, who had opportunely arrived early than expected. Apparently Kenty is going to be available for quite a few Tuesday’s to come as Iliana’s piano teacher has suffered another mishap, for the second occasion in as many weeks, this time in the form of a broken foot. I will say no more, but apparently he has a strong alibi for both …

The 7th over of the game saw something rare, a four. A strong 39 partnership between Root and Robertson then ensued despite some very tidy bowling by Jha (4 overs 0 for 24) and Mexter replacing Cleaver (4 overs 1 for 16) and Watson (4 overs 1 for 20) respectively. Mexter (4 overs 1 for 26) did remove the dangerous Robertson for 22 with an overhead caught and bowled effort that only the tallest person on the field could have got to. Only 8 of the 39 runs in that partnership came from boundaries with 3s being the more the norm. Mallards quickly figured out that the only way to get the ball back was by relay, with McCaffery taking on the role of the relay point – no matter where he was originally fielding.

Robertson was replaced by the equally dangerous Chaudry who with Root pretty much took on anything that Mallards could throw at them, with both retiring in the last couple of overs, by which point the score was in 3 figures. A final consolation was Mexter taking his 3rd catch of the evening off the bowling of Latif, who got the rump end of 1 over at the end. The final damage was 118 for 4, which included just 6 boundaries, a run 4 and eight 3’s.

Tactically, Buxom knew that Mallards needed to get off to a flier to have any chance of chasing that score down. Casting around for that combination of reliable opening technique with a little bit of scoring panache and finding none, he instead opted for Kent and McCaffery. With Boothroyd (S), nowadays a decent left arm bowler with a bit of pace, opening the DUSCC defence runs were hard to come by. Ackroyd from the other end was also miserly and the batsmen found themselves having to make do with scrambled singles, until McCaffery was undone by a direct hit to be run out for 4 in the 4th over.

Taylor, bewilderingly promoted to the number 3 position struggled to make any headway seeing Aycock out for a maiden in his final over leaving him with figures of 3 overs 0 for 14, and Boothroyd ending his spell with the even more impressive (3 overs 0 for 4). At the end of the 6th over the score was 18 for 1. So 101 needed off 12, still on for the mighty Mallards!

DUSCC’s first bowling change brought immediate dividends with the wily Metcalfe removing Kent for 10, clean bowling him as he attempted up the tempo and find an elusive boundary. With Jha now at the crease an 18-run partnership ensued with both extras and Jha outscoring Taylor who finally perished to a direct hit run out for just 3 in the 10th over with the score on 38. This also saw the departure of Jha a couple of balls later caught by Root off the bowling of the-not-quite-as-lethal Boothroyd (I) for 16.

The nowadays svelte Butcher replaced Taylor and did his best to smite the ball. Alas while his running between the wickets is decidedly quicker, the diet also seems to have taken its toll on his ability to smack the ball out of the park, albeit that he did score the second of only two boundaries in the MCC innings – one that trickled over the mid-wicket boundary only come to come to a halt about 1 foot later. Buckley looked every bit the part, but was undone by the bowler running in when he was not ready. Rather than walk away our skipper elected to try the old one-handed block instead, only to see the ball clatter onto the stumps. Did I mention the ultra-competitive spirit? No reprieve from the opposition captain who was now considering his final bowling changes.

Now with a score of 39 for 4 at the end of the 12th over, the opposition needing to score at 13 an over on a green pitch, a very slow outfield and the light now starting to fade rapidly, what do you do? Good idea in a friendly game, put your fastest bowler of the evening on at the (dark) tree end. Despite this tactic Butcher aided and abetted by Holland, managed to nurdle and run the highest Mallards partnership of the evening, 24 runs before Butcher holed out with just one ball remaining. At this point Mexter graciously stood aside to allow Cleaver to take the last ball of the innings. Needing just 43 off the last ball, Cleaver strode out to the middle to a field consisting of 3 slips, 2 gullies, point, leg slip, silly mid-on and silly mid-off. Not fazed in the slightest, Cleaver punched through for a single and the game was concluded in the twilight with a proud defiant 79 on the board.

So off to the Rose Tree pub, where we made the bar-lady’s evening by actually giving her some customers to serve. In terms of pub attendance, the score was Mallards 12, DUSCC 2. So we took the moral high ground for the evening. We play because we love the game, but enjoying each other’s company after is just as important.

 

Match Reports, Match Reports 2019

Mallards v Benwell & Walbottle April 29

A new cricket season. A new captain for Mallards. Would this be the start of a new dawn, a new day for Mallards’ fortunes or would the familiar travails and woes continue to replicate the decades of misfortune, misdemeanour and missed catches that preceded it?

It all started off so well with new captain Buckley losing the toss and being asked to field, which is what he would’ve done anyway had he won the toss. Taking to the field in glorious sunshine, calm winds and a slight air of trepidation, Mallards opened with Jha and Malik. Jha wasn’t too confident about things, stating he hadn’t turned his arm over in anger for over 8 months however, this made Buxom think he was an ideal opening bowler. The captain was proved right as Jha’s line was perfect from the off with only 2 coming from it – one of them a bye. Malik opened from the far end bowling down the hill and got a wicket in his first over, using that tried and trusted technique of obtaining no bounce whatsoever from the pitch and clean-bowling the batsman (E Horbury). The decent line and length continued from both bowlers Jha keeping it tight from the pavilion end and Malik claiming another 2 wickets in his 2nd over – same dismissal style as Horbury. Jha finally got the wicket his bowling deserved in his 3rd over and, after 5 overs, Benwell & Walbottle were sitting at a lowly 18-4! B&W’s batsmen were out thus: Horsbury – 0; Smith – 7; Casey – 8; Amir – 0. All clean-bowled!

Malik continued with his 3rd over but, during it, managed to damage a finger getting his hand in the way of a sharp caught & bowled chance. At the end of the over, he went off to get treatment. Jha finished off his spell and finished with figures of 4-0-16-1 – a great effort. Nitsch had come on to replace young Malik and got the wicket of Wheat (out for 6), who was splendidly caught by Jha diving to his right at square leg. This brought Jenkinson to the crease. There was a distinct defensive element to his play. As a reward for getting a wicket in his first over, Buxom gave Nitsch a second over (even though Malik was back on the pitch) and he came ever so close to getting a second wicket when Ridley edged and was dropped by Beacock. Would this prove our undoing? Nitsch finished with 2-0-14-1 as Ridley thanked Beacock for dropping him by hitting Nitsch for a huge six up the hill over McCaffery’s head which bounced back off the metal fence onto the pitch!

Mexter came on to replace Jha and, in his second over, got the wicket of Jenkinson for 1, who was out LBW, clearly someone who only understood half of the Morse Code – plenty of dots but certainly no dashes! He took it as gracefully as ever. After 11 overs, B&W were 47-6! Only 7 overs left to go. All Mallards needed to do was keep it tight. Ridley had other ideas and, over the course of the next few overs, took it upon himself to use his reprieve from being dropped on very low single figures and retired on 30 not out. He’d been well supported by Draper who was now joined at the crease by Hayes. This partnership saw out the final few overs and scored quite regularly. Mexter finished with 4-0-14-1, Malik with figures of 4-0-20-3 and Latif, who’d replaced Nitsch at the far end, ended with figures of 4-0-26-0 – not a true reflection of his bowling as he had a couple of shots fall just short or go just over the despairing attempts of the Mallards fielders. Benwell & Walbottle finished on 93-6 off 18 overs, basically doubling their score in the last 7 overs. A great effort from Mallards though and they should feel a little hard-done by. Extras were very low too, only 8!

Mallards’ requirement wasn’t too difficult. 94 off 18 overs, a run-rate of only 5.2 an over. Less than a run a ball for those of you who aren’t overly mathematically astute! Opening with Kent and Ankush in an attempt to give us a decent footing worked in the first over with their opening bowler, Hayes, going for 10. Great stuff. Things were slightly pegged back with only 2 coming off the 2nd over, delivered by L Bateman, but we were still ahead of the run rate. Nothing more needed to be asked. With what seemed from the boundary a policy from the batsmen of only looking for 4s or 2s when 3s or singles could have been obtained, a nagging doubt appeared in the captain’s mind and he voiced it thus: “this could be their undoing”. As sure as eggs is eggs, Ankush holed out to Draper at mid-off for 8 from the bowling of Hayes in the 3rd over. He’d been a bit tighter in his second over and Mallards were 13-1 off 3 overs. McCaffery came in at number 3 and played a supporting role to Kent for a short while before Kent guided a delivery from Hayes to Amir at slip and was out for 7!

After 6 overs, Mallards were 27-2, just a bit behind the run rate. Jenkinson came on from the far end in the 7th over and, clean-bowled McCaffery for only 4 (which he’d scored off Atkinson’s one and only over) meaning that Mallards were now 31-3. Butcher, batting at number 4, was now joined by Malik who hit consecutive twos off Jenkinson’s bowling to exact a sort of revenge for taking McCaffery’s wicket!! An anonymous bowler then bowled the 8th over in which Malik hit a boundary and single, before scoring a single off Jenkinson’s first delivery of his second over. Butcher wanted to get in on the act and went for a launch over mid-off. Unfortunately, he succumbed to the same fate as Ankush as his new, svelte-like physique had seemingly taken the oomph from his shots and it didn’t travel its usual distance and was gobbled up by the safe hands of Draper. Nitsch was in at 6 and was quickly out again second delivery when playing on and bowled by Jenkinson for a duck.

Jha went in at 7 and formed a nice little partnership with Malik. The opening bowlers who’d done the damage at the start of B&W’s innings were getting Mallards back on track with their batting! Ridley went for 7 runs off his first over (replacing Anonymous) and, after 10 overs, Mallards were 45-5. 49 runs required off 8 overs. The next over brought 8 runs but over 11 only brought 3 runs and the dismissal of Malik who was caught off the bowling of Ridley for 18. Skipper Buxom came in at number 8 (his troublesome back meaning he couldn’t move particularly well) to partner Jha in the middle. 10 runs were scored off the bowling of Draper in the next over (including a comical single and a sublime 4 for Buckley) and Mallards were now on 66-6 off 13 overs. 5 overs remaining, 38 needed. The next over saw the dismissal of Buckley for a quick-fire 7 off the bowling of Ridley from a ball that pitched halfway down the wicket and hit about a third the way up middle stump. The shot choice was shocking, but still! Beacock came to the wicket and, after supporting Jha for an over and a bit, was clean-bowled by Ridley for 0. 16 overs gone, Mallards are now 76-8 with Jha and Mexter in the middle. Jenkinson came on for his fourth and final over and the penultimate over of the Mallards’ innings and subsequently clean-bowled Jha for 22. The final pairing of Mexter and Latif ran extremely well together for the last 9 deliveries and got us to within 6 runs of a tie but we came up just short and finished on 87-9, losing by just 6 runs.

So, not quite a new dawn for Mallards in their first game of the 2019 season however, a great effort all round from everyone in the bowling, fielding and batting. We came close but just not quite close enough. Here’s to a better result next time!

Match Reports 2018

Mallards v Kings School Old Boys @ Riding Mill August 22

Fake news they cried. Who, about what? Well as usual it started with POTUS (President of the Unorthodox Sledgers). POTUS Butcher looked at the carefully clipped mown outfield, blades merely reaching ankle height, the soft dust bowl not damp at all wicket, together with the aptly named Kings School Old Boys (neither comprising of not much old or all boys) and upon winning the toss decided to bat. 18 overs a side both opposing presidents agreed on the basis of fading light protectionism.

Opening with Porteus and Steel the speed of the pitch soon became apparent with the first over by Ingram going for just a single by Porteus ensuring he retained strike. He was to regret this as in the next over it all turned a lot more lively. Abselon took the ball at the Mexican sight screen wall end and with her first ball accounted for Porteus. Next man in Kent then took a direct hit to his toned torso before smiting 7 off the over including the first boundary. “See, Mallards take our enemies best shot and send back TEN TIMES MORE” tweeted POTUS while simultaneously filling in the scorebook.

The batters responded to the Twitter feed by racking up a total of 30 off the first four overs with both Steel and Kent going nicely. POTUS couldn’t keep his Twitter finger still. ‘Great men, GREAT MEN’ the text screamed before the inevitable happened and like a Grand National horse Kent fell at the fifth, bowled Jackson, caught Clarke for 10. This was the first of three catches that rendered the mitts of onlooking soap hands Lucas into a sweaty performance-anxiety-induced lather. ‘Mallards PATRIOT’ saluted POTUS upon Kent’s return to the M Force One clubhouse.

Next man in McCaffrey began to rotate the strike with Steel before the latter also fell to a catch by Absolon off the bowling of Black for a nicely played 14. McCaffrey himself then fell to some catching action by Ingram off the last ball of Willet’s second over for 10. Some nice interplay and strokes by this pair had moved the score onto 47 off the first 9 overs including 4 fours.

Their fall began a period of more restricted scoring as gaps seemed harder to find and the verdant outfield began exerting its own energy-sapping gravity (think Theresa May cornfield – or perhaps better not). With Thacker and POTUS Butcher occupying the crease the score moved onto 63 before POTUS fell, run out for 3 in the 13th over, as he attempted an ambitious single to fulfil his ‘Make Mallards Great Again!’ dream. The scoring slowed further as next man in Lucas faced the pacy Simpson before connecting mightily with the single sweet spot of his wand of wonder (sponsored by MasterCard and Fosters) off Abselon in the next over for the only other 4 in the innings. Emboldened by this he played an edge, pad, wicket trick shot a couple of balls later. ‘Do or DIE’ tweeted POTUS.

With a total now of 82 and just two overs to go the team seemed to be facing a below par score. Unperturbed POTUS tweeted ‘Great Score, GREAT SCORE!’ as next man Beacock strode out. Beacock rotated with a single bringing Thacker back on strike. With time running out and some nice shots in the bank he decided to try and press on but in so doing fell honorably to the bowling of Ingram with the highest Mallards score of 21. Up next was batsman Green who decided to throw out the rule book with a cheeky T20’esque paddle come ramp shot before being removed from office for 4 by the keeper while undertaking an unscheduled diplomatic sortie into no-mans land. This brought in debutant Watson, loaned to POTUS by his friends in the NRA (Northumberland Ringers Association), for the last ball. With an itchy trigger finger he saw it, he hit it and Mallards concluded their budgetary allocation finishing on 90 for 7 from 18 with both Beacock and NRA Watson on 1 not out apiece.

POTUS was quick to tweet ‘I am thrilled to announce that by the 18th over our run rate had reached the amazing rate of FIVE! Never in cricket history has one team achieved such a SCORE!’. Even amongst the faithful there were doubts as to whether this was either true or enough to secure victory but Mallards like being establishment outsiders and took to the field with the fervour of all who dare to dream and watch too much Jeremy Kyle. This included the reported fake news attempt to use a white ball given the darkening light. After an unconfirmed getting together with the opposition President, use of a red cherry was resumed. When questioned POTUS was keen to stress ‘Collusion is not a crime, but that doesn’t matter because there was no collusion. Where’s the collusion?’

Cleaver opened the bowling from the Mexican wall sight screen end while POTUS turned to his new friend NRA Watson who came in from the homeland prairie end. Both bowled superbly, Cleaver with line and length and Watson like heavy munition unleashed. By the end of the fifth over the opposition had been restricted to just 8 runs. Things got even better in the sixth with Watson removing Craddock, caught and bowled for 5. POTUS then decided to show some uncharacteristic mercy on his enemies by making Watson bowl out his fourth and final over given his pacy rockets versus the dimming shooting conditions. Watson finished with 1 for 11 from 4. But that was not the end of our new friends’ contribution.

This period of the match did though see a change in fortunes. Peffer had come in to partner opener Clark who having now got his eye in started to open the throttle against a new bowling pair of Thacker and ‘Patriot’ Kent. Thacker bowled well and was unlucky not to claim a scalp while Clark took a liking to Kent, spanking him for the only six of the game and taking the KSOB total to 64 at the start of the 14th over. However, that six brought up Clark’s enforced retirement on 34 and quicker than you can say Hilary Clinton’s emails fate swung again. Next ball Peffer was run out for 15.

Sensing a chance to close out another deal POTUS began to force his narrative by going on a bowler firing and hiring spree, throwing Steel into the fray and bringing back Thacker. Initially things did not look great with KSOB having reached 79 without further loss by the end of the 16th. Steel finished on 0 for 11 from 2 while Thacker ended on 0 for 4 from 16 – both good figures but this was a low scoring game that was becoming tighter than Melania’s face (allegedly).

Mallards were giving each other anxious looks of sphincter-tightening proportions. Everyone was thinking the same thing but dared not utter the collective thought – should it all end breasts upward pointing….Impeachment.

However, POTUS remained strong and resolute bringing back Cleaver for his last over. Within six balls this looked inspired as he removed both Simpson LBW for 11 and Ingram for 4 via a catch from NRA Watson. Cleaver finished with medal-of-honour figures of 2 for 6 from 4. ‘Mallards STATESMAN’ screamed POTUS’ Twitter finger. Not only were his figures excellent but the score had only moved on to 80 with an over to go.

To which of his lieutenants would POTUS trust the final over and thus the match too. The executive order came down, Patriot Kent. Inspired by the endorsement and the threat that he had to either win or die, Patriot Kent’s bowling tightened. The dot balls and the need to score built the pressure on KSOB who cracked, Jackson being run out for 2. Still not finished Kent then took the wicket of Willie for a duck caught again by Watson – his third of the match and surely a contender for the sticky fingers end of season award. Kent finished with figures of 1 for 29 off 4. More importantly KSOB had finished on a mere 81 for 6.

Cue a Twitter explosion by POTUS. ‘The FAKE NEWS HATERS said we couldn’t win. Well we did. WE WON. It was a GREAT victory’ he Tweeted as he boarded Car Force One for a trip to the Welly. There his team sat proudly around him, all basking in the righteous glow of those who never doubted (much). All thoughts of impeachment were forgotten and spirits were high as non NRA Watto Watson also joined the gang for a swift one having crossed the sporting divide from his earlier big ball shouty men game duties.

The score book was proudly shown to all. ‘PROOF’ tweeted POTUS followed by ‘God BLESS Mallards. I said I would make Mallard’s great again. I DID!!!’. He then produced from nowhere a crayon and proceeded to draw an odd looking duck in the book which he coloured in an unusual shade of Russian red.

I will leave it to you dear reader to determine what of the above is actually true or fake news. Remember history is usually a surviving account written by the winners. Facts can become malleable during this process. Mallards of course are different – it depends what survives the Editor and Webmaster! (Webmaster Note: Posted unedited due to the unvarnished truth of the report and idleness of the Editor)

 

Match Reports 2018

Mallards v Umpires @ Bill Quay August 30th

One evening in mid-February 1976, in a terraced house in Ryton (8 Crookhill Terrace to be exact), Mr & Mrs Buckley got a bit bored. There was nothing to listen to on the radio; their record collection had been played to death; they couldn’t be bothered watching the Black and White Minstrels Show on television (probably because they weren’t racists) and there was no-one to chat to on Facebook or Twitter (mainly down to the fact that they hadn’t been invented yet). So, they decided to do what all young, married couples do. But when they got to the pub they found it was closed for refurbishment. So, naturally, their next idea was to make a baby and, sure as ova meets sperm, 9 months later Mark Daniel Buckley was born. Surely, nothing in any of their young (or very, very young in the case of Mark) could match this experience of sheer joy, delight and memorable moments. They were wrong.

On Thursday 30th August 2018 something surpassed even that moment in the lives of the Buckleys. With Mark now not so young (41 years of age), Mrs Buckley retired and collecting her pensions, and Mr Buckley long since gone from this mortal coil, the Buckley memorable moment was toppled from the top of the chart. On a small area of greenery in South Tyneside, amongst houses, trees and randomly-placed shipping containers painted white, the new chart-topping moment occurred. A group of middle-aged men played another group of men (and one female) at a game of cricket. What were we going to see? Would it be something to rival Sir Garfield Sobers’ 6 sixes in one over? Brian Lara’s world record test scores? Bob Willis bowling out the Aussies at Headingly? The Ashes test at Edgbaston in 2005? Laker’s 10 wickets in one innings? Well, if you want to read on, you’ll find out.

It was a beautiful late-summer’s evening in Bill Quay. Clear blue sky, temperature in the mid-teens, little wind (with the exception of the flatulence occasionally emanating from the visitor’s changing room) and a nice convivial atmosphere amongst the assembled throng of participant cricketers. A lot of the conversation referred back to last year’s game between the two teams that finished in a last-ball tie and whether tonight’s game could get close to that at all. The two skippers went out to do the toss at 6pm and Captain Butcher unfortunately lost the toss and the home side elected to bat. 16 overs per side, retire at 30 and maximum 4 overs per bowler. Despite Buxom limbering up and turning his arm over, he was heinously overlooked by the captain who turned, somewhat sensibly, to messrs Cleaver and Watson to open the bowling.

The opening batsmen for Umpires were Little & Cockburn, which we’ve all had at some point in our lives if we’re honest, and they set about their task against Mallards’ valiant opening bowlers. Cleaver took the first over and was hit for a couple of 2s by Little before enticing the batsman into a shot down to deep mid-off, where the catch was held by the safe hands of McCaffery. One over and Umpires for 4-1. Watson took the 2nd over and was slightly more expensive than Cleaver, despite bowling a nice line and length. He went for 9 with a couple of fours coming from the willow of the new batsman, Sweeney. The batsmen and bowlers had a good contest for the first 6 overs, with a drop by Beaks after an edge off the bowling of Cleaver (Webmaster’s note: I have received a tweet from @therealpeterbeacock which reads ‘FAKE NEWS. It dropped short. I am the bestest wicket catcher of all of them. No one catches catches as good as me) as well as a bottom edge by Cockburn that landed just short of the keeper in the final over of his spell. Cleaver finished with 3-0-11-1, which is rather good. Watson was not so fortunate as Sweeney took rather a liking to him in his final over, hitting him for 16, including 2 fours and 1 six. Luck certainly wasn’t with Watson as in this over the batsman got it completely wrong and the ball came off his pads and trickled an inch past the off stump. Watson finished with 3-0-31-0 which was certainly not an indication of his bowling. The opening bowlers were replaced by Thacker and Latif, who continued building on the good foundations that the Cleaver/Watson combo had set. Thacker’s first over went for only 6 runs, including one boundary and Latif’s first over saw a broad variety of events! Firstly, he let Sweeney tonk him for four which brought about the batsman’s retirement on 33 – a great effort by the batsman. As well as a wide, another boundary and a couple of singles, Latif also took the wicket of Jago, the new batsman, who was deftly stumped by Beacock. It was a fair decision by the home umpire, as we’ve definitely seen the vast majority of those not given when they’ve been that close!! In the next over, Thacker claimed the wicket of Cockburn who holed out to the still safe hands of McCaffery in the deep. Latif finished off his 2nd over conceding only 8 runs and, after 10 overs, Umpires were 76-3. Certainly not a score that inflicted fear or despair in the thought of trying to catch it at the same stage of the Mallards’ innings!

Taking over from Thacker/Latif was the slightly more part-time bowling of Wood and Kent. Wood’s first over went for only 9 whilst Kent’s first over, despite a vicious beamer aimed at the batsman’s head, went for only 5, including the wicket of Anwar. A rather reluctant Wood returned for a 2nd over and decided that, as it was the end of the cricket season, the team didn’t need the cricket balls in the team’s bag so let the batsman thwack 2 balls for sixes that were irretrievable!! (To be fair, we’d already replaced the ball that Sweeney had hit for 6 off Watson earlier in the game). Wood’s 2nd (and final) over went for 18 runs. Despite Kent having decent figures of 1-0-5-1, he was replaced by McCaffery who went for only 6 runs himself, including one boundary. Wood was replaced by Thacker, who went for 10 runs off his 3rd over, giving him figures of 3-0-24-1. Steel, who turns his arm over with the same regularity that Donald Trump tells the truth, came on to bowl the last over and he ended up with 1-0-6-1, getting the wicket of Howard for 15 with Beaks taking another stumping! Their last batsmen was Miss R Dyer, who certainly played a stroke that wasn’t instantly recognisable to most Mallardians – the textbook forward defensive shot. After 3 dot balls, she scored a single from the last ball of the over/innings meaning Umpires finished on a score of 130 for 5.

So, not too unrealistic a target to get. Only just over 8 runs an over required to get the 131 runs needed for the win. There was certainly no desire to get another tie like last year!

Opening with Kent and Steel to start the run chase, the Umpires opened their bowling with Hamblett and Hamblett – in no way confusing at all! After seeing off the first 3 deliveries of Hamblett’s first over rather safely, Kent hit the next ball for a nice four before finishing off the over with a couple of singles for him and Steel. The second over, but Hamblett’s first, saw a few more runs where, after a wide and a single for Steel, Kent opened his shoulders somewhat and hit 3 consecutive fours!! 2 overs gone, Mallards are 20 without loss – well ahead of the required run-rate. The 3rd over started rather unfortunately with Steel being bowled by Hamblett(P). As the batsman himself said “right shot, wrong batsman”!! Steel’s wicket brought McCaffery to the crease and a further 8 runs were taken from the over – a couple of wides, a two and some singles. Hamblett(P) finished with 2-0-14-1. T’other Hamblett (I knew him, Horatio), didn’t fare so well in his 2nd over and conceded 16 runs, the majority of them to Kent who retired on 31! Buckley came to the crease and hit his first ball for 3. At the end of 4 overs, Mallards were 45-1 with one batsman back in the hutch and massively ahead of the run-rate. The next couple of overs went for a combined total of 7 runs with Anwar conceding 4 and Dyer conceding 3. It also brought about an injury for McCaffery who did a leg muscle in; enough to require a runner. However, these overs also brought the run out of McCaffery/Thacker (his runner) for 7 and this subsequently brought Thacker to the middle officially (with no runner) and he saw out the rest of the over from Dyer without scoring (or losing his wicket). Buckley was a bit bored already so decided to go after Anwar and, after missing the first delivery with a swish that nearly took his shoulder out of its socket, hit the second delivery for a nice 6 over long on that went over the fence (but not the netting). Some more singles followed and a 3 and Anwar finished with 2-0-16-0. Thacker then took the attack to Dyer who, despite bowling a decent line and length, went for 9 runs off her 2nd over. Howard took over from Anwar and Thacker took him for 7 runs off his first over and a further 8 runs came off Cockburn’s (replacing Dyer) first over so, after 10 overs, Mallards were 88-2 compared to Umpires being 76-3! Thacker decided to get in on the maximum act by hitting Howard for 6 off the 1st ball of his second over. Then an exchange of singles, a 2 and a four between Thacker and Buckley brought Mallards to 107 off 12 overs as well as the retirement of Thacker for 31! Little took over from Howard and his first ball went for four from the bat of Buckley, subsequently bringing around his retirement, also for 31! So, after 12.1 overs, Mallards have 3 retirees and well ahead of the run rate. Cleaver now joined Wood at the wicket and quickly returned to the pavilion after a 3-ball duck where he was caught behind off the bowling of Little. 13 overs gone, Mallards are now 112 and require 19 runs off the remaining 3 overs. Sweeney came on to bowl and conceded 8 runs off his first over, 6 to Wood and 1 to Latif (plus a wide). 120 now with 2 overs remaining. 11 runs required. Little’s 2nd over didn’t start too well for Mallards, 3 dot balls to Wood despite his best efforts to hit it to the boundary. Well, just to hit it really! A wide then another wicket when Wood was out LBW. Captain Butcher came to the crease and managed to score 6 runs off the last 2 balls. Mallards were now 127 with only one over remaining with only 4 runs required to win. Surely it was going to happen. A bye off the first delivery – score’s now 128. Then 2 dot balls before Butcher swings the bat and gets an inside edge onto his stumps. 2 balls left and Beacock joins Latif at the wicket. First ball for Beacock and a single is scored. Mallards are now on 129, 1 run to tie (again) and 2 to win – whatever happened, the batsmen had to run on the last ball. Sweeney gets the ball back, starts his run up and lobs it up in to the air. The amassed Mallards on the boundary are watching the ball (through the by now deepest darkest gloom) fly through the air towards Latif. The bat is raised, Latif’s front foot is planted and he brings the bat down to connect with the ball. Beacock sets off from the non-striker’s end, Latif runs on his call. The ball has gone about 3 foot from the stumps and the keeper is making his way towards it. Beacock’s closing in fast and the keeper picks up the ball and stretches out towards the stumps. There’s a mixture of diving wicketkeeper, splintering stumps and sliding bat – everyone looks towards the square leg umpire. Did he make it? Is it another tie – the second in consecutive years? Have Mallards rescued the situation? After what seems like an eternity, the umpire raises his finger and Beacock is given run out on the last ball of the game! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Mallards have lost by one run. After 32 overs between the 2 sides, 259 runs shared and Mallards lose by one run.

Looking back at last year’s game, which was the tie, we can state that these 2 sides are practically inseparable! 72 overs (36 per side), 531 runs from the 2 teams and only 1 run between them over the 2 games – marvellous stuff. This game is always a joy to play.

Everyone stayed back to enjoy a drink, have a drink and share the chips & curry sauce that had been so kindly bought by Mr McCaffery. I can state, without fear of contradiction, this was a fantastic way to end the season, even if it was a defeat. Here’s to the Captain’s Curry Night and the Mallards’ End of Season Dinner!! Have a great winter one and all.

Match Reports 2018

Mallards v Genetics @ Riding Mill August 14

 

The previous fixture, two weeks ago, was washed out just prior to the start time. The overhead conditions for this game being very similar – dark cloud, moist (lovely word) atmosphere, drizzle-soaked outfield, perfect for slow bowling (see “Club Despot”), below.

Markus Buxus was nominated captain, and Mallards opened the 20 over game by bowling first. Two overs from everybody was the cunning plan.

Hamid up first, pacy, full of fire. Only 14 off his two. Watson at the other end, cruelly hit for a few boundaries in his first over, only conceded two in his next. The definition of spirit.

Latif, always steady, always playing with a smile and a quip, just 15 conceded. Genetics opener Dan Taylor retiring at 32. Hard- hitting Richardson came in and Holland bore the brunt of some big shots. Two overs for 31. Ouch.

Time for the “Club Despot” to come onto the scene and steady the ship. Two overs of guile, flight, to me-to you bowling saw his figures come out at 2/0/2/2. Having had Mitcheson cleanly stumped by Beacock in his first over, the same partnership had Dhillon Snr caught behind in the second. Just reward for all The Despot’s efforts in getting 22 players here, selecting both teams, buying all the burgers and drink, umpiring, pedalling the generator, and generally being Despotish. Stunning!

Genetics 83/2 off 8 overs. Ominous. Bateman and Steele, taking a lead from The Despot, kept the next four overs tight in the face of more boundaries from Bennett and Dinesh. Both batsmen retiring soon after. Green, Scutt and Buckley finished off the innings. More ouch [and wides – ed.].

Genetics 178 after 20 overs (Mr Extras 23).

Time to set one of the benches outside the clubhouse alight and get the burgers going. A Californian forest fire was soon raging, with Cumulus smoke billowing, as Mallards started the reply. Steele out first ball, caught at slip off Goulding. Good impression of Muttley on the way back to the pavilion. Bateman caught in the next over on the deepest of deep square leg boundaries by Dhillon Jnr. 3 for 2. Oh.

Hamid to the rescue. Clean hitting, four boundaries, retired on 33. Super to watch. Club Despot tried to keep the momentum going, but caught by Bennett soon after. Enter Scutt. Really dark now. Played with aplomb, luck, resilience. Commendable 12.

Holland played on to a ball from Mitcheson for 9. Beacock bowled in the gathering gloom for 3. The Captain, with two cracking fours, being run out after being called for a suicidal second run. Trashed the changing room.

Green and Watson didn’t trouble the scorers. Mallards 115 all out as the moon came up (Mr Extras 28).

Cue beer, drinks, juicy burgers (no condiments sadly), commiserations and tales of what might have been. A rousing speech from the Club Despot, and about £170 raised for Cancer Research. As everyone drifted off to try and find their cars in the pitch darkness, the helicopter with water bag was descending to put out the BBQ.

[editors note – in order to preserve the innocence of several Mallards players, one of the opposition members (and very occasional Mallard) kindly stepped in to volunteer to do the match report in order to provide a balanced commentary. Who says we’re not all-inclusive?!]

Match Reports 2018

Mallards v Durham Staff @ Riding Mill July 17

Tony C makes the report's picture space two weeks in a row - a rare honour
Tony C makes the report’s picture space two weeks in a row – a rare honour

After a narrow last over defeat at Durham back in May, Mallards turned up at a warm but overcast Broomhaugh ground optimistic(ish) of a home victory to level the series.

Both teams were buoyed by the appearance of Tony Cleaver and not just because he turned up with a case of beer! Having lost the toss and been invited to bat, Mallards buoyancy (and optimism) dropped slightly at the sight of Trigger Finger Cleaver taking to the field as umpire. Fortunately TC was given no opportunity to wag his notorious digit as Kent and Steel made a steady (some crueler than I may say slow) start playing out a maiden to the ever improving S Boothroyd and taking just 2 off I Boothroyd (the younger?).

2 off 2 became 15 off 4 as scoring picked up but for the loss of Steel bowled by I Boothroyd for 7 in the 4th. Kiel strode in purposely at 3 to keep the scoring ticking over with both he and Kent hitting a couple of nice 4s among the singles and dot balls until Kiel fell in the 8th caught behind of Ramen who had replaced I Boothroyd leaving the score at 37 for 2 off 8.

Buckley joined Kent intent on upping the scoring rate but kept in check by tidy bowling. Kent finally fell to Gillepsie in the 13th over for a well-made 25 with the score on 59. Butcher joined the fray swinging but failing to connect (as usual) but ran hard to help Buckley,  who was batting nicely,  keep the score going. The 18th over proved costly as both Butcher (8) and Nitsch (4 from 2 balls) were bowled swinging hard at the returning I Boothroyd leaving the score on 95 for 5 off 18.

Holland was then the only LBW victim of the innings but not courtesy of TFC (and he was plumb!) before Buckley had to retire on 25 following a back spasm leaving Latif and Wisbach to play out the last few balls to finish not out on 6 and 3 respectively to complete Mallards innings on 106 for 6. Was it enough? Most hardened readers would probably say no but Mallards were within 2 balls of defending 87 at Durham and TC was umpiring so still all to play for!

In contrast to Durham Staff, Mallards opted to take the pace off the ball, opening with the leg spin of Wisbach who started nicely going for just 3 singles. Mexter opened from the other end and went 2 better, just 1 of his first over. Both continued to bowl well, especially Mexter who beat the bat on several occasions. Despite this, English and Robertson opening for Durham batted steadily to reach 38 without loss by the end of the 8th (Mallards were 37 for 2 at the same stage), Wisbach finishing with 0 for 24 off his 4 and Mexter with a highly creditable 0 – 10 off 4.

Latif and newbie Ismail took over the bowling duties and despite bowling steadily the score rate began to rise. Kiel was bought on to inject some pace and try to slow the run rate but Durham kept accumulating with Robertson reaching his retirement on 32. Nathan came in and continued the scoring before English also reached retirement bringing Powell to the crease. At 91 off 16 there was still a glimmer of hope but unfortunately newcomer Powell took a liking to the returning Ismail leaving just 2 to be knocked off the 18th over to seal victory once more for the academics.

Sadly no grandstand finish or tale of heroics but as always a committed performance from Mallards in a game played (by both teams) in an exemplary spirit and finished off by the traditional visit to the Welly, where good beer, good food and good craic was enjoyed by all, despite TC’s somewhat gruesome tales of a defunct bottom. Welcome back TC!

Match Reports 2018

Mallards v Ovipart @ Clara Vale July 26

Clara Vale. A thunderous night anticipated. Portentous clouds made a canopy over the bucolic splendour of a rural cricket pitch. The gathering skies forming an amphitheatre for the Gods, to watch the game touched by their hand.  And then our team arrived, a gaggle of decrepitude, sweating, swearing and issuing profundities such as ‘Ooh, it’s hot’ or ‘Looks like rain’.

The mood was not improved when Ovingham turned up with half of the Davipart team, the young guns for hire that had put us to the sword twice in the past 7 days. Buckley, skipper for the day, limped manfully to the crease and managed to lose the toss. The casting of the runes had not gone well. Odin smiled down with an air of resignation.

Mallards took to the field like a phalanx of already defeated foot soldiers, bereft of hope.  The sight of the Ovipart openers did little to dispel the gloom. Two Young Bloods keen to put us to the sword. Browne opened with vim and a dash of vigour, to be met by powerful stroke play and an aggressive appetite for boundaries. At the other end, Malik hit his mark early but the openers found their range in later overs. A sprinkling of fours and quick run singles, near misses and the occasional dropped catch (dear me skipper!) bruised the bowlers’ figures. By the eighth over, Ovipart had stretched out to 67-0. Browne trudged off to the boundary, a disconsolate figure. Little were we to know what primal force was fermenting within that shattered frame.

First change bowlers Mexter and Thacker entered the fray. Mexter hit some semblance of line and length, and bowled tidily (What, no wides? Surely not?). Thacker bowled with pace, movement and a degree of guile that left the batsmen searching for answers. Not enough to stop the two openers retiring, Dhruv with an expansive six. The new batsman quickly fell to Thacker – a beautiful ball which nipped back and took off stump. On a roll, Thacker then had Walbrook trapped LBW. Mexter joined the fray by getting the Big lad from Ovipart pouched, with consummate confidence, by Malik on the long-on boundary.

With the scoring pegged back, and wickets on the board, the Mallards’ collective dander was now well and truly up. Fielders began to move with balletic grace, Taylor and Wood threw themselves around like giddy schoolboys. Beakers commanded the wicket. Throws fizzed over the stumps. Batsmen quaked or, at least, shuffled a bit. Two herons flew over the ground – augurs of a more potent present.

Haylock and Latif came on to mop up the opposition. Unfortunately, Ovipart batted deep. Dinesh punished anything on the leg side, until Latif bamboozled him with the ‘slower one’ and Beakers, like a man an eighth of his age, whipped off the bails. Haylock, battered slightly by slight batters, fought back to get two late wickets, one a Laurel and Hardyesque juggle between Beakers and the Skip.

A notable moment from the final over – Hilton strikes a nice cover drive and Browne, moving with the agility that didn’t belie a recent 50 year old, picks up on the run and rifles the ball in, heading directly for the stumps. Breaths are held, fingers crossed. The moment of impact coming. And then Haylock, inadvertently, steps back and knocks over the stumps. NOT OUT [it should be added that the batsman immediately started walking and Colin called him back with an apology – ed.].  If there was ever a metaphor for Mallardian cricket, it was that moment.

Perseverance, a dogged determination to be respectable, inspiring moments and wholehearted collective support and encouragement kept Ovipart’s final total down to an almost attainable 146.

So to the batting. Taylor and Malik strode to the wicket as though they had assumed the mantle of men on a mission. Not for a win, but a good showing, a tip to the Mallardian spirit. The Ovipart bowling attack looked quite similar to their batting line up, but hey ho. Taylor, determined to put down an early marker of intent, made some lusty swipes without profit. Unfortunately, the chance of a quick single was too tempting, and Taylor careered towards the bowler’s end. With an athleticism that a Mallard can only dream of, the bowler was able to roll forward, pick up the ball and, from a prone position, fell the stumps. No herons could be seen.

Malik, slowly chipping away at the total, was joined by Wood, back in the country for a cricketing pit stop during his world tour. In the spirit of the moment, Wood decided to throw caution to the wind and open his shoulders. A brace of crisp twos, then the fateful moment. A beautiful onside drive with enough loft to clear the diminutive fielder. But what, the tiny boy leaps like a Canadian Sockeye and plucks the ball from the skies. Lesson learnt. Back to blocking next time, Trev.

Buckley fared better.  Recovering from a dodgy lower back injury, the like of which usually gets you a month off at the council, Buckley plundered a couple of regal fours and limped singles, and the game was afoot. Right up to the point where a ‘looked high to me from over here’ type delivery did for Buckley, picked off at square leg. Latif, keen to make a mark, collected a couple of quick singles until done by their opening batsman/bowler Dhruv, who was turning the ball for fun. When Mexter faced his first ball, he was heard to exclaim, ‘Now, that’s tricky’. Mexter, anxious to try his new Jonny Bairstow batting technique, hit a quick four and then, demonstrating no technique whatsoever, skied one to Dhillon for a caught and bowled.

Thacker then attended the wicket, with due regard to getting a lick on. Malik, with an elegance normally expected of a player from a rival team, made steady progress towards his 30 (or was it 37?) and retirement. Ronnie, our contribution from Ovipart in the absence of Mr Kent, scored a quick four, and then had a slow walk back to the pavilion after being caught down leg.

And then, from the hutch, emerged our own Son of the Gods – Thomas, ‘ The Thor’, Browne. Famed for his ‘Hit out or get out, but mainly get out’ philosophy, Browne moved to the wicket, mighty weapon in his hand.  First ball, a customary swish but, miraculously, the stumps remained intact. Was something happening? The herons returned, wings like ruffled sails, arching over the battle below. A six, a four, a quick pair, another six. Thacker joined in with a line of elegant singles and a four. Browne, like a cyclist on EPO, was producing the sort of performance that normally gets referred to WADA.  A six cleared the long-on boundary, some quarter of a mile away (to the relief of the nearby substitute fielder Wood) and then, to take him to his 30, Browne clipped another six over mid-wicket. 30 off 11 balls. A colossus had entered the arena.  The augurs were bright, and the blood was up, along with the humidity. Could this be real? Could we be in with a shout? The crowd leaned forward in their beach loungers, expectant, wondering – deluded.

Uncooperatively, in now rapidly fading light, Ovipart deployed their main bowlers again, and Beaks struggled to get it off the square [actually more like off the bat – ed.]. Thacker ran brightly but to no avail as the strike kept evading him, and when Beaks gave a catch, and Haylock failed to create the necessary miracle, even the herons could not keep the flame of hope alive. 122 – two dozen short, but it felt much closer.

The clouds closed in around the ground. Distant thunder expressed the plaintive cry of despondent gods. On this occasion, lightning didn’t even bother to strike once, and the Mallards – those mortal warriors – did what they do best and buggered off to the pub. As Wilde would have said if he were a Mallard, it is better to have played and lost, than never to have played at all.