With Anglo-Australian relations on a knife-edge this week, it has fallen to a neutral to provide coverage of this match, thus negating any calls of bias that might otherwise surround descriptions of the activities of players from either camp. The first of two Mallards fixtures this week saw us host Sparta for the return fixture; with the Mallards showing signs of confidence after a close-run first leg a few weeks previously.

The club Despot had taken it as a personal challenge to attempt to give as many members of the squad as possible a run out over the course of the week, and in finding 21 volunteers he outdid himself. This gave the opportunity to welcome returning Mallard Hayward back for his first appearance of 2015 and a new face in the (slightly genetically-modified) form of Cookson. In true Ashes spirit, Van Doorn was accepted back into the side after promising not to give any more controversial LBWs.

Vice-Skipper Butcher lost the toss and Sparta opted to bat first under threatening skies and on a green-looking pitch. Butcher seized the opportunity to give the Mallards’ very own left-arm Australian swing bowler the “new” ball from the pavilion end. The ploy worked, and Van Doorn picked up the early breakthrough, clean bowling Rushton for 9 in the third over of the innings and taking revenge for the two fours taken off his first over.

Having taken the bold step of not giving the second over to the left-arm seamer from New Zealand, and therefore being in charge of surely one of the more threatening new ball attacks in world cricket, Butcher tossed the ball to Cookson. This turned out to be a wise move as the newcomer immediately found the mark and was very difficult to get away.

With a light rain falling, extinguishing any remaining signs of life from a ball which already had seen a few too many summers, the batsmen were able to settle into their work. Any loose deliveries were punished with a short boundary on the downhill side of the field, and the score moved along to 52/1 after 8 overs. Van Doorn finished with 1 for 26 and Cookson no wicket for 18.

Cox and Scott were brought on to try and find a breakthrough, with Cox finding it in his second over, bowling McGuinness (not that McGuinness) for 27. Cox was immediately rewarded by being shielded from the carnage he set up as new batsman Pearson and opener Roe started to free their arms. Some aggressive stroke-making and vintage Mallardian fielding saw the score rocket from 68/2 after 11 overs to 103/2 after 14. Watson however picked this moment to claim his first wicket in the green and gold (am I allowed to call it that?), picking up the wicket of Langley, well caught down the leg side by keeper Kent for just 8. Langley had arrived at the crease after the retirement of Pearson, and was not able to keep up with the fierce pace of his predecessor.

Scott’s four overs proved a mixed bag but ended with better figures (0-27) than his language might have suggested, while Watson recovered admirably after his first over went for 18, to see a return of 1-34. Cox had returned to the crease after the worst of the bloodshed had abated but was unable to find another wicket, and finished with 1-20.

Stig’s optimism at the outset of the match was such that he agreed to an extended match, 22 overs per innings as opposed to the usual 20. This possibly had caused confusion as he had to find two bowlers to step up for the last two overs, and he chose Hayward and himself. Hayward suffered some harsh treatment going for 18 off his, while Stig found the fourth wicket of the innings, by bowling Pentland for 0, for figures of 1-9.

An imposing total of 163-4 had dampened the early enthusiasm of the home team, as any loose bowling was severely punished and some of the fielding just showed what hospitable hosts the Mallards can be. However, the pitch was good and the MCC line-up sported a number of stroke-makers, so there was still a chance.

Pulses quickened just a touch as opener Kent guided the first ball of the innings nonchalantly to the backward point boundary. Steele likewise found a brace of crisply-timed fours in the second over, and all of a sudden things looked a touch interesting. Unfortunately Kent’s promising innings was brought to a close as he was adjudged LBW off the first ball of the third over for just 6.

Hall, coming in at first drop, looked to be timing it well, particularly after launching a 6 over long on, and with Steel took the score to 29/1 after 5 overs. Unfortunately, he was then the second to depart, bowled for 10 by Nelson as he looked to keep the scoring rate up. Cox, after a couple of balls to get his eye in, scored 4, 6 & 4 in four balls to swing a little momentum back to the Mallards. A double bowling change brought a restriction on the scoring rate before Cox, following Hall’s example of feeling the need to keep the runs coming, was bowled for 15 by Pentland in the 9th over.

Butcher was Steele’s next partner, with the latter continuing to look fluid, despite a lack of significant partnerships. Butcher was unable to find his usual timing and was eventually caught off the bowling of Elliot for three with the score at 60/4 after 12 overs. This left the required run-rate at approximately 10 for the last 10 overs, a statistic the incoming Hayward chose to completely ignore, taking 17 balls to get off the mark. This perhaps was no bad thing, as the need for dignity in the scoreline, rather than an outright win was becoming a real concern.

The dip in the scoring rate did not escape the attention of Steele, who was eventually bowled by Pearson for 23 runs. Steele’s batsmanship is very much the stuff of a purist; this innings was another display of timing and elegance, something that was even acknowledged by the now rather cocky Spartans.

Jordon was next in, and was clearly not of the same mind as Hayward when it came to the acceptable nature of dot balls, and promptly called for an ambitious single only to be run out by a distance.

It was about now that the visitors showed they felt they had things properly tied up, by bringing on wicketkeeper Hunter to bowl his own unique offerings. These consisted of the ball coming out of the hand much more vertically than usual, reaching a height just below that of the aircraft approaching Newcastle airport before dropping rather steeply somewhere around the batsman. There aren’t many textbooks that teach you how to deal with this stuff, so it was probably inevitable that he would pick up a wicket, in this case that of Scott.

Watson lasted only a few balls before being bowled by Spratt, then Hayward’s vigil came to an end when he was caught off the bowling of Langley for 11. So it came down to the last pair, Cookson and Van Doorn to see out the last two overs, something they did with ease, even taking the score past 100 in the process.

Mallards final tally was 105/9 meaning this was an undeniably heavy loss by 58 runs. All in though, this was a gutsy performance against a strong Spartan team, who were not keen to repeat the close-run encounter of last time.

If Alan was writing this week’s report it would be an elegant exploration of the demise of proper scorebook-keeping, detailing how scorers used to take pride in their work, recording each minor event in meticulous detail so that the full story of a game could be retold to our children and our children’s children etc. However, as it’s not Alan let’s dispense with that and summarise: this season our opponents’ record-keeping has been, to use the Geordie vernacular, shite.  Ergo the first half of this report has been written with no information on the score after each over, or indeed any over, or the score at any fall of wicket. So I’ve made it up. Needless to say, the second innings, faithfully recorded as usual, by trained Mallards scribes (pictured above), is entirely accurate.

To the game. It was a beautiful sunny night and, in that light, the captains agreed that they would extend the game to a 22-over match, with a maximum of four overs per bowler and retirement at 30. Ovington skipper Jordon won the toss and chose to bat. Browne and Mexter opened the bowling with two cagy overs before Mallards struck with a great piece of fielding, Cox’s quick pick up and throw was smartly taken by Kent, who whipped the bails off with opener Ball snr well short.

This seemed to energise the attack. Browne struck first, clean-bowling the dangerous Hall for 1, with only one wide coming from the over and then Mexter trumped this, bowling Greenwood for 5, in a wicket maiden to leave the batting team struggling at 9-3 from four overs. After another tight over from Browne, Mexter struck again, trapping Wallbank lbw for 4 and the opening pair’s demolition of the top order was completed when Browne bowled Jordon in his final over to leave the Kestrels in apparent disarray at 17-5 from just seven overs. Browne finishing on a superb 2-8 from four overs and Mexter an almost-equally superb 2-9 from three.

At this point Skipper Wood could have chosen to close out the game by bringing Cox on to bowl but he didn’t (doh!) turning instead to the in-form pair of Wisbach and Scott. The rush of wickets had brought two new batsmen to the crease, one of them being the impressive Ball jnr who started to repair the damage by crashing Wisbach for a six and a four in his first over. Scott, at the tree end, was managing to keep things a little tighter, and apart from a four from his first ball, only conceded singles in his two overs. Unfortunately, Ball jnr had clearly taken a liking to Wisbach and found another pair of fours as he raced quickly to 31, retiring with another boundary from the bowler’s final delivery and the score on a much more respectable 61-5 from 12 overs. Scott finished with 0-12 from two and Wisbach 0-32 from three overs.

Mallards’ relief at seeing the back of Ball jnr was short-lived as, after a sluggish start, new batsman Shields proved even more destructive, despatching Taylor for a huge six and a four in his first over. Unusually, it was the bowlers from the pavilion end who seemed to be suffering as Heslop, at the tree end followed Scott’s example of keeping things relatively steady. Cox yet again provided a morale boost with a terrific piece of fielding that saw Cowe run out with a direct hit from a tight angle but the score continued to mount as Shields smashed Taylor around the park, two more sixes coming from the latter’s final over as the scoreboard raced on to 113-6 from 18 overs with Shields retiring on a very rapid 35.

About ten overs too late, Wood finally introduced Cox to the attack, and clearly going for a pacy finish, brought himself on at the other end. Both moves found success with Cox dismissing Mayfield, neatly caught by Kent, who it should be said kept beautifully all night, and Wood clean-bowling Watson for 0. Unfortunately the latter success brought Ball jnr back to the crease, much to the consternation of the faithless Mallards fielders. Cox’s second over saw a couple of hoiks for four from late order batsman Taylor but Wood’s second saw the final wicket fall when Ball jnr, having hit his previous ball for six tried to repeat the trick and was neatly stumped by the immaculate Kent from the final ball of the innings with the score on 138-9, Cox finishing with 1-13 from two and Wood 2-8 from his two. The score may have been daunting but the Mallards ethos was intact with eight different bowlers having been deployed and only Browne bowling his full complement of four overs.

With the sun blazing down Mallards sent out their sturdy-sounding opening pair of Steel and Kent and as you would expect they started steadily, defending well against the pacy Ball jnr whilst milking plenty of runs off the less-pacy Taylor and after six overs had progressed nicely to 30-0, with both batsmen hitting some very crisp boundaries.

The introduction of two new bowlers saw a continuation of a similar pattern with Mayfield leaking runs at one end while the spinner Cowe kept things very tight at the other. Kent was beginning to open his shoulders now, with another boundary from Mayfield and it was a surprise when he miscued the same bowler a couple of balls later to fall for 26.  An even bigger surprise was that Jordon held on to the catch in the difficult sun to leave Mallards on 44-1 from nine overs, behind the required run rate but with plenty of batting to come. Another tight over from Cowe made it 44 from ten to put pressure on the batsmen, which paid off in the next over when a frustrated Butcher miscued a lofted shot straight to Wallbank for 0. This left Mallards sitting on 54-2 at the halfway stage with a hefty 85 required from the last 11 overs, but with the in-form Cox having joined Steele at the wicket confidence remained high.

Sadly, such confidence then dipped, as Cowe lured Cox into a rash shot, Taylor swallowing up the top edge in the covers to make it 55-3. Wood joined Steele at the crease and the pair carefully put the ship back on course, taking 24 runs from the next three overs before Steele retired on 31 with the score on 78-3 from 15 and 61 runs required for victory from just seven overs.

Unfortunately, at this point, the opposing skipper Jordon ironically chose to abandon the give-everyone-a-game ethos which most of us treasure and brought back his three opening bowlers to complete their sets of four overs.  Scott and Wood were now struggling to pick the ball up out of the sun and having to eke out the scoring with some frantic running which finally saw Scott run out for 6 with the score on 88. Taylor perished in similar fashion, much to his obvious chagrin, and though Mexter and Wood then managed to find a couple of elusive boundaries the game was up. Wood finally perished in the frantic run chase, skying a short ball to Hall for 27 in the 20^th over with the score on 108. Wisbach joined Mexter and the pair managed to take the score on to 117-6 as Mallards eventually perished by 21 runs.

With the weather holding up beautifully a very convivial evening was then spent at The Wellington where, by and large, it was agreed that even though we appear to be the last bastions of the Corinthian Spirit in friendly cricket, it’s a tradition worth continuing. It’s just a shame so few other teams feel the same way.

Blue skies, a bright sun and practically no wind. All in all a beautiful summers’ evening. With skipper Wood resting (groin), vice-captain Butcher not available (under orders from Mrs B) and occasional emergency stand-in captain Nitsch controversially dropped (well controversial according to Mr Nitsch, just the whims of the selectorial process according to the committee), it was left to despot Taylor to take the mantle. The rust of not doing it for a long time soon fell away as he promptly lost the toss and Mallards were invited to field.

McGuinness, opening the bowling from the One Tree End, started tidily and was unlucky not to bag a wicket in his first over when Greenwood spilled a chance from Chamberlain at cover. Meanwhile Wisbach got straight into the groove from the pavilion end beating the bat with his first 5 balls only to see the last dispatched for 4.  McGuinness’s second over, however, saw the first breakthrough, a spectacular over-the-shoulder catch taken by Scutt at fly slip to remove the dangerous looking Maplesden for 10.

With a fast outfield and short boundary, runs started to accumulate for the opposition as a solid partnership developed between opener Chamberlain and Tate. At the end of the 8^th over the score was 58 for 1 with McGuinness finishing his 4 overs with 1 for 21 and Wisbach 0 for 33 after being given late punishment with two 4’s off his last two deliveries. Cue first change and Taylor elected to put himself on with Boyes asked to ply his left arm round from the pavilion end. Taylor’s 3 over spell proved to be something of an eclectic curate’s egg, starting with a succession of wides as he finally found some sort of radar, he then had 3 dropped catches first by Lucas at mid on, then McGuinness at deep mid wicket and finally himself – albeit that the ball was otherwise going for 4 and required a couple of minutes of wringing before he could move his hand properly again. Added to two missed stumping chances and another that might have been given out by a more impartial umpire, it could have all been so different. Nevertheless,  the final analysis of 0 for 33 off 3 overs does not make pretty reading.

Meanwhile Boyes, bowled exceptionally tidily, bamboozling the batsmen, so much so that Taylor elected to give him a third over, which ensured that what would have been exceptionally tidy figures were ruined by three fours conceded in his last over to finish with 0 for 24 off his 3 overs. Sometime within this mayhem both Chamberlain and Tate retired on 30 not out, bringing in Derrick and Hall Jr., both of whom looked determined to continue piling on the runs. Ringing his final bowling changes, Heslop and Goulding were brought into the attack, the former securing a wicket in his first over with one that beat Derricks’ bat, the stumps and the wicket keeper only to see it ricochet off Beakers pads back onto the stumps. The record will only show it as a stumping to remove the aforementioned batsman for 27. Hall Sr. was next in and after compiling a useful 17 was run out by a direct hit throw from dead eye Aly Hall aiming at just about a stump and a half. This was his second direct hit of the night and, again, the first might have secured a run out from a more impartial umpire.

Heslop finished with a highly respectable 1 for 15 off his 3, while Goulding ended the innings with a decent 0 for 21 off 3. There was more controversy as read 195-3, having leapt from 138. After a long consultation the scorers declared a miscount and the actual final inning score was 154 for 3 off the allotted 20 overs.

So with a tall, but gettable target, Hall and Greenwood strode out to the middle full of confidence.  Ovingham elected to open the bowling with Hall Jr. (batsman no. 5) and Hall Sr (No.6).  Hall Jr bowling to Hall saw the opener hit his second ball for a lovely 4, but then perished to the same Hall Jr, who cleaned bowled him in his second over for 6 (work that one out!!!).

Lucas, in at a lofty 3 and (apparently) muttering something about preferring to be a bowler, marched to the crease and quickly got off the mark with a well-run 3 thanks to the marshalling on Greenwood. A decent partnership started to develop, with Greenwood content to pinch quick singles (and leg byes or byes) and Lucas bludgeoning his way along with a succession of thick edges and well- timed drives. However, with the partnership on 33, Greenwood inexplicably missed a straight ball from Hall Sr in his final over and was clean-bowled for 9.

At the end of the 8^th over the score was 45 for 2, behind the run-rate, but still plenty of time to catch up. The loss of partner Greenwood was too much for Lucas, as was the decidedly quick bowling of first change bowler Maplesden (No. 1 batsman) who clean bowled him for a very respectable 22. With Boyes and Scutt now at the crease another partnership started to develop, thanks to Boyes making good use of the pace of the ball and judging some quick singles – aided and abetted by some spirited calling from the scorers. The highlight of the partnership was undoubtedly a top edge from Scutt that teased the fielder and landed just over his head and, more importantly, the boundary for 6. There was also a joint effort to register an early claim to the Asti Spumante moment (or possibly a new Comedy Gold award) as a poke from Boyes just beating the fielder resulted in a run, not-run, run, not-run routine that the Chuckle brothers would have been proud of. However all good things must come to end as Scutt was adjudged lbw to the bowling of Chamberlain (batsman No. 2 – seeing a pattern here?) to end a partnership of 33 and Scutt’s innings for a respectable 15.

Again the loss of one wicket, quickly became two as Boyes was cleaned bowled by Maplesden for 11 the following over. With the score at 81 for 5 at the end of the 14^th over, a big innings was needed. Goulding in at 6, provided something of that as he quickly compiled 32 and retired, while Heslop watched from the other end.  With 2 overs left the score was 116 for 5. With Taylor now in, batsmen had to try for big hits. Heslop succeeded with a 4 and then a 6 on consecutive balls to his favourite cow corner, the accurate bowling of Marley (No. 11) and Barron (No. 8 – hallelujah others in the Ovingham squad finally getting a look in) it was a case of swishes and singles as the innings closed on 130 for 5, with Heslop 13 not out and Taylor 3 not out.

So another loss (eight in a row – Ed), but a fine performance, played in good spirit with everyone making good contributions, against a team that again favoured heavy use of their league players. With the Welly closed, Nitsch once more delivered with his ice box full of beer and crisps (he drew the line at knocking up some chips and onion rings at home to bring down – apparently the deep fat frier is banned in the Nitsch household – can’t imagine why).  A final highlight of the night was the squad getting an opportunity to try out the new covers – manipulated into place with a set of manoeuvres that Reginald Molehusband would have been proud of.

Last time I wrote a match report, I talked about trust issues; this time I feel I should spend time exploring the art that can be found in a well-tended cricket scorebook. However, this would detract from the challenge of producing a report containing as little factual information as possible. Besides, the academics in the team have a certain reputation to uphold when it comes to paperwork and they excelled themselves this week, producing a document of the match that perhaps only a number of senior FIFA accountants could truly appreciate.

That’s enough grumbling, as Riding Mill had turned on one of its signature summer evenings, drawing the mind back to Mallard-in-absentia Craig Scott’s vintage piece on the subject and providing the first truly warm and sunny match of the year. The pitch was located at the northern-most end of the square giving an invitingly short, and downhill, boundary square of the wicket. Combining the short boundary with a fine outfield and what looked to be a belter of a track, it seemed like we were in for plenty of runs.

St Georges Rovers were the first opposition for this week’s double-header, and were something of an unknown quantity, being a newish addition to the fixtures list. However, Mallards were fielding a strong side with Burgess, Philby and, er, Nitsch coming in from the cold, their safe return from exile being overseen by spymaster and confirmed Australian, Van Doorn. Two new faces were also welcomed into the side, with Reece Morrison and Ian Watson being presented with the iconic green cap. (Once they cough up the requisite fee – Ed.)

Somebody won the toss, with the result being that St Georges Rovers would bat first. Skipper Wood showing there were no hard feelings by tossing the new ball to Cox, starting from the Pavilion End. Cox found the line from the off, finding the edge with his first ball only for it to run unchallenged to the boundary. Perhaps a sign of things to come as a number of half chances were created throughout the innings that went just wide of the fielders.

Van Doorn started from the Tree End and was tidy from the outset; just a few singles off his first. And so the first eight overs passed, a mixture of good, tight bowling and the odd bad ball which were punished; Cox in particular beating the edge on a number of occasions. Three tough chances went down in that time, Van Doorn grassing a firmly hit return catch off his own bowling, Nitsch putting down a chance in the gully off Cox and the debutant Morrison decking a catch in the deep which he did well to reach. After eight overs, the score was probably in the region of 45/0 (not recorded) with Cox going for 19 and Van Doorn conceding 24 off their four overs.

Skipper Wood then turned to spin from the Pavilion End with Wisbach picking up the mantle and proving a threat. Line and length were crucial in these conditions, as McGuinness soon found out from the Tree End, his first two balls disappearing for 10 before he found his spot. In fact it was McGuinness who found the breakthrough, snaring SGR number three Appleby, caught behind by Kent for 21 (opener Atkinson having retired for 33 at some unrecorded point before this ). This breakthrough saw the run rate take a dip as the score was in the vicinity of 82/1 after 12 overs. Wisbach and McGuinness continued to apply pressure with the former bowling opener Brown for 21 in his final over. Wisbach ended with 1 for 16 and McGuinness with 1 for 32.

The newest Mallards were brought in to continue this decent showing, but came up against Hall and Jenkinson who were looking for blood. The slogging started and some powerful boundaries were struck. Morrison, coming out of a long cricketing hibernation, bowled a solid over that somehow went for 12 before Skipper Wood brought himself on for the 19^th. Wood was not put off as more runs came, and managed to pick up the wicket of Jenkinson, well caught in the deep by a slightly surprised Stig  (he wasn’t the only one – Ed). Wood’s one over saw 1-12 and Watson secured a very tidy return of 0-18 off his two.

All in, St Georges racked up a good score of 141-3, though the thousand-yard-stare on the faces of those who had fielded on the short boundary showed that runs were there for the taking if you found the gaps.

After a quick turnaround, Kent and Nitsch were striding confidently out to the middle to begin the reply. Kent started well with a confident boundary off his second ball, while Nitsch played out a maiden at the other end. Taylor, about to deliver his second over, pulled up with a pulled calf and retired from the rest of the innings forcing a rapid strategy rethink by the Rovers, with Henton the chosen one to replace Taylor.

The score built steadily over the next few overs with Kent showing utter disdain for anything loose. When the breakthrough came, it was Nitsch bowled by Henton in the 5^th over for 2, or possibly 3 (your guess is as good as mine) and the score at 21. Rumours soon began to circulate that this was a deliberate ploy by Nitsch; with the Welly closed for refurbishment, he spied a profit-making opportunity and disappeared with a furtive glance over his shoulder, not to be seen for some time.

Meanwhile Stig, possibly touched by the sun, had sauntered out to the middle, without a care in the world and whistling gently to himself. Not worrying about run-rates or anything like that, he spouted off to anyone who would listen about how he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world at that particular moment. He set about steadying the ship and leaving the hard work to Kent.

Kenty inevitably retired on 33, bringing in Cox and an audible sigh of relief from the team on the boundary’s edge as they hoped he would now shut up about all the runs he scored at the weekend. With Stig still in his own little world at the other end, Cox took up the role of run scorer and moved the total on to 66 for 1 after 12 overs. In the 13^th over, Stig (9), still with a faraway look in his eyes ambled off after wafting at a straight one from Jenkinson, bowling from the Tree End. It was with an entirely different look in his eyes however, that Skipper Wood walked off the very next ball, having been adjudged LBW by umpire Van Doorn, making what could now be his only appearance of the season.

77/1 (I think) became 77/3 (maybe) in the space of two balls, though fortunately Jordon was next in and made a very strong showing of steadying the ship with a collection of dot balls. Cox departed in the next over, retired for 30, bringing in Watson at number 7. Watson announced his entrance by thumping his first ball in Mallards colours to the long on boundary for four.

Unfortunately at some point not long after this (exactly when is not entirely clear, but probably in the 16^th over), Munroe was brought on for a few overs from the Tree end started with a wicket maiden, claiming Watson, bowled for 4. From here, things are a bit of a blur, with the scorebook indicating that a lot of wickets fell in quick succession, but exactly who, how and in what order is a question for the ages. What I can tell you is that Morrison, truly entering the Mallards spirit, fell for a duck. McGuinness came in, smashed a first ball six then got out. Jordon was run out for just one, and Wisbach was also out for 0 somehow. (a fine catch in the deep I believe – Ed)

During this time, Kent, unused to the Mallards reputation for sudden collapse, had to quickly get back into his whites and pad up again, to resume his retired innings with a dash for the finish. The score had lurched to roughly 106/8 with some overs left and the chase was on. Unfortunately some defensive field setting saw the required boundaries hard to come by. The innings ended on 122 for 8 with Kent having got to 42 and Van Doorn on 4 or 5. Another loss by 19 runs, proving that we are consistent if not successful.

Two things then happened. First, Nitsch reappeared with a very laden cooler full of beer, opening the Riding Mill Speakeasy for the first time this year and negating the temporary absence of the Welly. Unfortunately, he hasn’t perfected the preparation of chips and onion rings, so we had to go hungry.

Second, he turned the lights on in the changing rooms. Now while the sight of an ice box full of beers would normally be the high point of an evening such as this, the sight of twenty-two grown men whooping and cheering at the marvel of electricity must surely have touched the hearts of all those present. A cracking evening eventually drew to a close with no-one paying any attention whatsoever to any other games of cricket that might have taken place that day.

Injuries were the theme of the week as Mallards faced Davipart trying to end a run of five successive defeats.

Both Captain Wood and Vice Captain Butcher had picked up shoulder injuries (no doubt from the burdens of leadership they have to carry), the latter’s injury restricting his contribution to an appearance as the world’s least glamorous cheerleader. To add insult to the injuries the team was also hamstrung by the defection of several players, lured by the attractions of a younger, apparently more attractive model. There will be many ex-wives out there knowing how we feel. God knows what we’re going to tell the kids.

Anyway, to the game. Wood again won the toss and again put the opposition in, seemingly unaware that the definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing whilst expecting a different result. The regular bowling attack of Brown and Dunhill took up the cudgels with an unusually-attacking field to bowl to, boosting hopes of an early breakthrough. And so it came to pass, Dunhill forcing a leading edge from opener Guy which was comfortably taken by Greenwood in at short cover. With Browne following up this success with a rare maiden, Mallards had got off to a great start as Davipart reached a below-par 9-1 from three overs.

Unfortunately, the home side were just getting into their stride and gradually the new batsman Skinner and the opener Haygarth began to put their foot down, as a smattering of boundaries were mixed in with countless singles and by the end of the eighth over the pair had taken the score up to a respectable 50-1. Opening bowlers Browne and Dunhill retired with commendable figures of 0-18 and 1-28 from their four-over spells. Dunhill’s figures would have been deservedly better if Jordon had managed to hold onto a fierce drive which smashed through his fingers, a spectacular catch and hopes of winning the end-of-season Asti Spumante Moment trophy narrowly slipping from his grasp in one moment.

With Haygarth retiring, the rapid Skinner kept up the run-rate with his hit-and-run style as new bowlers Wisbach and Haylock struggled to restrict the rising scoring rate, 19 runs coming from the next two overs. The former, however, started to find his rhythm and in his next over he trapped the new batsman Dutta in front of his stumps, lbw for 5, with what he claimed to be his ‘flipper.’ To the uninitiated that’s a ball that doesn’t actually spin.

Unfortunately, at the other end, Haylock continued to receive undue punishment, conceding 21 from his first two overs. His response was to bamboozle the batsman in a Taylor-esque third over, with a flurry of wides luring the opposition captain Rawley into a rash drive which was safely pocketed by the bowler himself, to leave the home team on 98-3 from 14 overs.  Thankfully, Wisbach was keeping a tighter rein on the scoring at the other end and finished his four-over spell with the fine figures of 1-23. To Haylock’s consternation his caught-and-bowled success brought a new batsman to the wicket in Sandhu who took an immediate shine to him, hitting two successive boundaries, including the game’s first maximum, from his final over, leaving the unfortunate bowler with figures of 1-42 from four overs. The visitors were now sitting on the very healthy looking score of 115-3 from just 16 overs.

In desperation, Wood brought himself and Taylor into the attack to try and stem the tide and surprisingly, the captain struck in his first over, barging the non-striking batsman out of the way to take a diving catch off his own bowling, diplomatically ignoring muttered comments from several of the normal bowlers that ‘he wouldn’t have tried that hard if I’d been bowling.’ At the other end Taylor, after giving up a couple of boundaries, turned back the clock to come in off his long run, a policy which stopped the flow of boundaries but increased the flow of wides as Davipart finished on the formidable total of 145-4, with Wood finishing with 1-11 and Taylor 0-19 from their two overs.

Mallards began their response with the new opening partnership of Steele and Greenwood and the pair got off to a rousing start, with Steel crashing two boundaries from the second over to race to 14-0 from two overs. With the wily veteran Thomson giving little away at one end the scoring rate began to slow but even so it was a surprise when the in-form Steel perished in the fifth over, a miscued shot being well caught near the boundary to reduce Mallards to 26-1.

With new number three Scutt settling in, Greenwood took up the scoring mantle with a pair of boundaries and after seven overs the visitors were nicely settled on a very respectable 42-1, one run more than the home side at the same point.  In hindsight we should have declared.  In the next over Scutt (2) clubbed the bowl straight back to new bowler Hamza, for the third caught-and-bowled dismissal of the match and in the following over Greenwood sportingly walked after getting a very faint edge through to the keeper for a workmanlike 15.

Successive dismissals had brought a new pair to the crease, Jordon and Taylor, and understandably the scoring slowed as they settled in and at the 10-over stage Mallards had reached 50-3.  Urgent action was clearly needed but Taylor’s bid to introduce said urgency was curtailed when he anticipated Jordon’s fine off-drive resulting in a ‘one’ call. It didn’t. As Jordon stayed in his crease, awaiting a distant fielder’s response, Taylor hurtled down the track before realising he was on his own and was run out by a distance for 2. His disappointment was obvious, especially to those who narrowly evaded his hurled helmet, which left the field several moments before he did. (Some older team members were reminded of what he did to the kitbag the last time someone ran him out – see picture above.)

The injured Wood finally joined the fray and, in a show of management fraternity, ran out Jordon for 7 in a mirror image of the previous dismissal; this time the unfortunate Jordon failed to anticipate the ‘one’ call. (Rumours that Taylor later bought Wood a pint are yet to be confirmed). The flurry of dismissals brought Wisbach to the crease with the score on 57-5 in the 14^th over. Thankfully things settled down as the new pair began to rebuild the innings, dreams of reaching the victory target of 146 long since gone.

After the preceding chaos things progressed serenely at around a run-a-ball for the next four overs before Wisbach was unexpectedly dismissed with the score on 81, clipping a full toss straight to square leg for 6.  Beacock joined Wood at the crease for the final two overs, the pair remaining unbeaten on 3 and 19 respectively as the innings came to a close on 91-6 from 20 overs.

With the ground still bathed in sunshine the team enjoyed a few open-air beers and Chorizo crisps (posh smoky bacon) though with two games coming up next week talk inevitably turned to fears of more defections. Burgess and Philby may have been unmasked but who would be the next Anthony Blunt?

This was wonderfully set up to be the Mallards second victory of the season.

Immaculate advance planning had delivered a classic early Tyne Valley summer evening (a day later and we would have been rained off) – and orchestrated a clash with deep off-pitch influences flowing in the favour of the Mallards

Cox was smarting from his Kiwi boys thrashing the previous day at the hands of the previously inept rabble which is the England cricket team.  (Editor’s note: He may be happier this week!) Clearly “someone had to pay !”

Meanwhile our own lovely Beacock (as a member of the Architects Registration Board) was on a mission to police the 1997 Architects Act which legally protects the use of the title of “Architect” with the strong suspicion that, despite their name, none of our opposition were in fact qualified and registered Architects.

The first of these two chunks of anger will play out across the match – the second needs dealing with now “Bang to rights” came the admission “None of us are architects” – but then it became clear that it is only the Mallards who, for reasons lost in the mists of time, had used this name for the team – in reality they were, and called themselves a Quantity Surveyors team.

Beacock read the badges on their shirts and put his thumb-screws away. It fell to our match reporter  to establish that the Quantity Surveyor title too was also a serious misrepresentation – as will become clear as we try to work our way through the otherwise delightful evening proceedings.

Back to the pitch – the, ahem, Architects headed out to bat, opening with Matterson and Clinton with Browne and Wisbach opening the bowling for the Mallards.

With the exception of a six from Clinton, cunningly dropped in revenge onto the top of Beacock’s car, the opening overs were tight, with Browne’s  first and Wisbach’s second each going for only two runs. However gradually the batsmen got their eyes in and took a little more off the controlled bowling.

At this point running through the scorebook to tell the tale of an innings becomes very difficult when batsmen’s dot balls are not noted – and even more difficult when the score at the end of each over isn’t recorded – nor is the score at the fall of each wicket and who the outgoing batsman was. With typically Mallardian extras at 1no ball, 7 wides, 5 byes and 5 leg byes it becomes impossible to faithfully track an innings !

So – at the end of the opening 8 overs we still had both the openers in, well set, with a score of around 43 and Browne and Wisbach stepping down with respective figures of 0 for 21 and 0 for 20.

The first bowling change bought the Angry Antipodean (pictured above) into play – partnered by the much less angry Haylock – and anger had its out straight away – a fine first ball took out Matterson’s middle stump for him to depart on 15. This brought Loach to the wicket to open with a 4.

Loach and Clinton settled in with the big-hitting Clinton moving on with a final couple of fours to retire at 30 to be replaced by Smith. Haylock bowling, tightly beating  the bat a few times but without luck – Cox with his pace and movement beating both the bat and the wicketkeeper on a few occasions. However, anger had its out again with Cox starting his fourth and final over by bowling  Loach for 15 to close on 2 for 28. One short ball hit for 4 and a dropped catch on his last ball by the unfortunate Porteous saw Haylock finish his 4 overs on 0 for 19.

Mexter and Taylor took on the last 4 overs with the score around 99 for 2. Mexter, facing the team who cost him 2 lost years of cricket, bowled fearlessly and with great control – his two overs going for a total of 9 at a time when the batsmen were trying to hit out to move the  score on.

Taylor, having claimed it took 3 overs to warm up his arm, never reached that delightful place. A couple of wides in the first over demonstrated this – before finding a line and length in his second which clearly suited Thornton who duly hit two 6s split by a 4 to retire and allow Harkin to come in for a quick single for Taylor to close on 0 for 28 – 19 runs coming from the final over – and the innings closing on 135 for 2.

Oh the delight and relief for your reporter to turn the page of the scorebook and find it completed by Mallards who had clearly missed their careers as quantity surveyors ! Apart from lapses over the score and batsmen out for the first two wickets down, this exercise in Mallardian precision revealed the story of the innings in the way which precise cartography reveals the landscape to experienced geographers. Oh how different the world would have been had Sykes and Picot had such skill with socio-political mapping !

The Architects started with Johson and Lawson with Porteous, charmed out of his mid-week retirement, and Nitsch opening for the Mallards.

Both openers  hit singles and dispatched the odd poorer ball for 4,   a solid but cautious approach to the chasing of a total which had a required run-rate of 6.8.

7 overs in – with both openers still in and 36 on the board – a  platform had been established for another of those great mid innings acceleration by the Mallards ! Or the alternative !

Nitsch perished on 15 caught and bowled by Lawson – quickly followed by Porteous bowled by Lawson for 19 (or was it the other way around ?  — see above in terms of the match recording). Whatever happened brought Butcher and then Wood to the crease.

8 overs down – 43  for 2 quickly became 46 for 3 as Butcher went bowled by new bowler Smith in his first over for 3. Enter again to the fray the still-angry antipodean Cox.

Moving way beyond misrepresented quantity surveying into the realms of quantum physics as mentored by our occasional sub-fielders Higgs and Boson, Wood and Cox calculated when they reached the end of the 12^th over that, with the score having moved boldly (and conveniently) to 64, they needed to be scoring at 9 an over to win – and they set off like men possessed.

Over 13 went for 10 – over 14, from Harrison, went for 15 including a fine 6 from Cox.

In over 16, with the score on 92, Cox retired on 30 to be replaced by Mexter- and, as experienced readers of the cartography of disaster, our regulars know what is coming.

Controlled retribution by Mexter extended to a golden duck – bowled by Smith. His replacement Taylor was then sharply run out for a three ball 2. 92 for 3 had become 102 for 5 and then 106 for 6 as Wisbach was bowled, again by big hitting Thornton for a duck.

All this while skipper Wood was plugging away at the other end and retired with a hard-earned 30 – all run with the exception of one boundary. This despite wincing from aggravating his damaged shoulder early-on, somehow digging out a ball from Lawson that found the absolutely no-bounce spot laid by our favourite groundsman just short of a length.

Beacock had come out to replace Wisbach and was, he claimed, just  beginning to see the ball well and had hit 4 singles off 6 balls when, on Wood’s retirement he was joined, oh so briefly, by Browne with the Mallards third duck and second golden duck – bowled by who else than that man Thornton again.

Haylock came in to face the last two balls. A single off the first failed to bring Cox back to the crease, allowed Beacock to take a further single off the last ball – and the Mallards to finish 14 runs short on a creditable 121 for 7.

Both teams made a fine showing at the Wellington after.

Trust is a prominent theme in English cricket these days. Newly appointed Director of Cricket (can someone please tell me what that means?) Andrew Strauss can’t trust Kevin Pietersen not to go mouthing off to his mates, Moeen Ali can’t trust his top order to stay in long enough for him to complete his throw-downs, and Durham University can’t be trusted to keep a promise about giving us the use of a proper wicket. Once again, a collective sigh went out around the North East on Wednesday evening as the inevitable and now familiar message filtered through from The Despot that we had been shovelled off to the all-weather track.

“Dear All, we’ve just been informed that…” You’ve got to be kidding.

And so it was the following evening that a procession of Mallards trudged across the bridge, having been forced to walk by the picturesque, manicured, and noticeably empty, MC1 ground, to do battle once again with the University Staff. It is a fixture that brings out a degree of intensity in the team, imperceptible to outsiders (and probably most insiders too) but that is perhaps the key to the great rivalry between the sides. A pitch inspection revealed that the car keys were completely unable to penetrate the concrete leading to the same low, skiddy bounce the sides have come to know and loathe in recent times. The outfield was looking a touch on the long side, though less bumpy than in previous visits, and somewhat greasy as the result of the lightest of rain coming from the sky.

The team’s spirits were greatly lifted by the presence of opening batsman Steele, appearing for the first time this season. Steele’s return was so appreciated that the team decided to honour the occasion by making him captain, the absence of usual captain Wood, vice-captain Stig and intended captain-for-the-day Nitsch (who had cried off at the last minute) doing nothing to lessen the honour. Despite the late withdrawal, Nitsch had managed to arrange a replacement in the form of Niranjan, imported from the Corbridge Millers, who was making his Mallardian debut – a significant moment in the career of any cricketer.

Further trust issues threatened to arise at the toss, when the home team insisted on a retirement score of 50, rather than the usual 30. This could be interpreted as a sign of a team with one or two strong batsmen who might be required to protect a weaker middle / lower order and score a higher percentage of runs for the team. However as captain and opening batsman, Steele’s eyes took on a certain twinkle at the prospect of a rare chance at a cheeky half century, the terms were swiftly agreed and the Mallards would bowl first.

After a short delay while stand-in keeper Taylor composed himself, the regular new ball pairing of Browne and Dunhill set about their work. At the end-with-no-significant-landmarks, Browne, after a few balls to find the rhythm, bowled with good pace and swing. Dunhill was typically metronomic from the Goalpost End and created the only chance of the opening exchanges but was unable to cling onto a low return chance. The Durham openers, Swift and English settled into their work with confidence if not too many signs of urgency. Despite this the score progressed to 53 without loss after 8 overs, Browne’s allotment of four overs went for 30 and Dunhill’s tidiness saw a return of no wicket for 17.

It was at this point that minds started to turn back to the increased retirement score and the prospect of having to chase a significant score. Then those same minds turned to the sheer number of bowlers being sported by the Mallards and the memory of successfully chasing 150-odd last year so confidence remained high.

At the Featureless End, McGuinness stepped up as first change in the quest for a breakthrough, and one boundary aside, began tidily with 7 runs coming off the 9^th over. Wisbach took over from Dunhill at the Goalpost End, immediately finding turn and was able to provide the breakthrough, with Swift swatting the last ball of the over to debutant Niranjan who calmly accepted the offering. Swift on his way for 30 and the score at 65.

McGuinness and Wisbach continued, with Durham’s number 3, Smith showing some early intent and taking 11 of Wisbach’s second over. Fortunately the onslaught didn’t last as Smith attempted to take a foolish single in the next over with Cox and McGuinness teaming up to run him out by some distance. 82/2.

Cox took over from Wisbach (2 overs, 1 for 16) at the Goalpost End conceding three off his first over, before McGuinness completed a tidy three over spell (no wicket for 13). Cox claimed the wicket of Wastell for three in the next over (16^th for those who have lost count), sharply caught by McGuinness at square leg.

Debutant Niranjan replaced McGuinness at the Barren End and was straight on the money, showing good variations in pace and flight. He claimed two wickets in his second over, the opener English, clean bowled for 33 and Moore, also bowled for 0. Another couple of tight overs saw the score at 109/5 after 19 overs with Niranjan finishing 3 overs, 2 for 13. The last over saw Cox concede 12 runs, including fours off the last two balls, albeit claiming the wicket of Bartlett caught at deep backward square by Browne for 10.

So Durham finished on 121/6. A reasonable and certainly defendable total, but the Mallards were happy enough after the strong start by the Durham openers. Some sound fielding and tight bowling making the difference in the middle overs, though the slightly ambiguous positioning of the boundaries did make for some brief debates (“It’s over there, but in a little from where you think it is” possibly isn’t the most accurate description… Another trust issue?)

With the rain having dried up during the first innings and the outfield drying out, Mallards openers Steele and Mexter stepped out with some confidence (and both dead keen for that rare 50). Moore and Bartlett opened the bowling and were tidy. Steele and Mexter stayed strong though, with Steele looking like he’d never been away. Mexter was playing some confident strokes and was keen to keep the score moving, it was a shame to see his innings coming to a premature end – caught by Pyati off the bowling of Moore for 7, with the score at 10.

Lucas was in at number three and also showed positive signs, before falling victim to an excellent overhead catch by Bartlett for just 2. The change of bowling had worked with seasoned campaigner Metcalfe, at the Desolate End, inducing the batsman with his seemingly inviting pace before snaring him with inch perfect line and length. 25/2, Niranjan in at 4 and continued the positive approach combining nicely with Steele to move the score along to 62. Both hitting some very fluid strokes and regularly finding the boundary..

Then the wheels came off a little. Metcalfe enticed a false stroke from Steele on 32, caught by Boothroyd before Scutt (bowled) and then McGuinness (caught, Smith) both strode boldly out to the crease and back again in quick succession and both for 0. 62/2 became 63/5 as Metcalfe’s final over turned his figures from simply tidy to the rather deadly 4 for 18. Was this to turn into a good old fashioned Mallards collapse?

With 6 overs remaining and 59 still required, things weren’t looking great as Cox joined Niranjan in the middle. With the new batsman came a new bowler in the form of Mivheer (who curiously didn’t feature in the batting 11 – trust issues?), found noticeable movement straight away. Nonetheless, thanks largely to a Niranjan boundary, 7 came off his first over, 52 required off 5. Sathar was the bowler chosen to fill Metcalfe’s shoes at the Wasteland End. He also went for 7 from his first over, however he did claim the significant wicket of Niranjan, caught by Swift for 24. He was replaced by fellow spinner Wisbach, 45 needed off 4.

Cox offered a chance in the next over as he picked out Swift on the boundary, but the chance was generously spilled over the boundary for 4, just 5 off the over. 40 needed off 18 balls, it looked bleak. Cox was able to clear the boundary in the 18^th and a smattering of singles saw an improbable 22 needed off the last over. Opening bowler Bartlett returned for his fourth, and despite boundaries off the second and sixth balls, the Mallards ended on 108/6 and defeat by just 13 runs with Cox on 28* and Wisbach unbeaten on 7.

A valiant fight from all involved, but just not enough to get over the line. Fortunately one thing you can trust on is a decent pint in the Rose Tree where the debrief session covered such topics as Rum and Orange, the wisdom of mixing salt and vinegar and beef flavoured crisps, and various schemes for getting ourselves onto the number one pitch.