King School Old Boys were at it before the traffic even began to build on the Coast Road. This team, long known for its grumpiness at having to take the field at all in order to be acknowledged as anyone’s superiors, plumbed the depths this time. The careful orchestration of an over-running schoolboys’ game, with its endless supply of adolescent batsmen, designed to frustrate the visitors to the point where they conceded the game helplessly and genuflected before their natural masters without a ball being bowled, was all too obvious.

But Mallards CC were having none of it. They watched and waited. And they practiced. And they practiced. Becoming rattled, KSOB wondered openly if the match should be abandoned on account of the ebbing daylight. Mallards CC practiced some more.

Desperately, KSOB looked to Collingwood for legitimacy and guidance. But the Admiral showed them only his broad back , his gaze never leaving the waves on which he had made his name. Having spent his whole career covering for slightly posh kids, he was not about to fritter away this fresh, golden evening the same way. And so it began, because Mallards CC were not going anywhere. The KSOB fleet left its twee, ivy clad refuge in the river’s mouth and engaged the pretenders in a truncated action of 16 overs. Battle was join’d.

The disgust of Warwick at having to take guard to Brown and Dunhill was evident in every tiny movement. His defensive shots sighed at the futility of it all. Didn’t they realise he could have been playing tennis? At the other end, Spiller showed no remorse at all for being left handed, instead feeding on the injustice of his deformity to power a series of furious boundaries.

Paralysed with indignation at having to face another over from the persevering Brown, Warwick was caught on his crease with leaden feet and had his timbers shivered to the snarling delight of those who had suffered his upright disdain in previous campaigns.

Spiller’s frenzy intensified, his second six catching unawares a patch of rhubarb in the adjoining allotment, which anxious players and spectators later saw being carried from the ground in plastic bags. For a brief moment, everyone remembered it was only a game.

The younger Moir, a gifted solicitor in at Three, was brisk and erect until he encountered Dunhill suddenly at his beguiling best, and succumbed to the vice of his profession in recording three shots on his timesheet when the ball had only required one . Dragged on, forty-seven for two in the sixth.

Devlin, at four, was in no shape to deal with Dunhill and offered only a pad, and was on his way. Spiller retired, his point made- clearly, a man who likes to WinALot…

The bully boys would not take this lying down however. A revival was staged in the persons of Langlands and Peffer, who took a particular liking to McGuinness, as he sought to flog the indolence from the middle of this kiddies’ pitch. Hunt explored a different length, remembering the inspiration Barnes Wallis once took from Nelson (or probably Collingwood….), bowling a mixture of floaty, skipping half-volleys and the odd accidental yorker, of the sort which did for Frenchie at the Battle of the Nile. But McGuinness it was who had his man, Peffer imitating “that meadow cutting scene from Poldark” once too often and scything one high into the sky, only for it to plop meekly into D-Mac’s grateful buckets.

Langlands had no answer to Wizzback’s infuriating gameness of flight and missed one, while S. Black had seen enough and scampered for cover to rest a grumbling thigh with two balls left. An edge off the last ball from Hunt, smartly taken at the wicket by the fleet-footed Kent, closed the innings on 121/7.

And Kent was not finished, opening the reply with a salvo of purpose and intensity against the elder Moir, while Scott (pictured above, practicing) played too early at a ball from the suddenly-limber-again S.Black to depart for nought. Butcher played the innings of a man torn; fiercely loyal to that other son of Norfolk who had chased Napoleon from Corsica to Cadiz to Cartagena, yet unable to deny that the local hero who towered above him, in the fading light of his adopted city, had really done all the work. His agony did for him and S. Black had a second, Butcher dragging on for 7.

Kent’s onslaught got beyond itself, the buccaneering opener sending one into the leaden sky and straight down again to leave him just short of retirement. Suddenly, Black was bowling from both ends…. Was this Black Magic? No, there were just two of them, in fact three! One more and we’d have had enough for a Sardinian flag, and the Admiral might have chuckled at the memory; but three was enough for Taylor and Jordon,  who were sent back by the miserly I. Black, as sparing of energy as a crocodile and every inch as deadly, for 2 and none respectively. Skipper Wood, leading as ever by example, dragged one onto his stumps as so many of his troops would do, departing for 4 to Willet.

Enter Wisbach, whose blade of willow proved as broad and sound as his heart of English oak. McGuinness followed his dignified lead, both men playing tall and straight, not to be goaded into futile savagery by the sneering victors, and seeing Mallards to a tranquil embayment on 58 for 6.

KSOB schemed like Bourbons to make sure Mallards didn’t win this game; but Mallards stood tall and resolute, to make sure they would lose it like Englishmen.

After two days of heavy showers that felt more like autumn than late spring, the sun and a gentle breeze finally made an appearance and Mr Nitsch declared the pitch fit to play on – a magnanimous decision when considering that child-minding duties had relegated him to part-time spectator. With Excelsior looking for revenge after defeat in the opening fixture of the season, Wood strode out to the middle with opposing skipper Krishnan, duly lost the toss and Mallards were invited to field.

With Browne finally making an appearance, Wood had no hesitation in handing him the match ball to take the first over. Fears that Browne’s reluctance to partake in any sort of pre-season training might mean he was a tad rusty were allayed as he immediately hit his stride  (notwithstanding the  two consecutive wides, both well- taken by stand-in wicket keeper Wood). Dunhill also began tidily from the other end and the Excelsior opening batsmen had to settle for running singles. The pressure didn’t take long to tell and the first breakthrough came in the 3^rd over with Browne (9 for 1 off 3) bowling the ever-dangerous Krishnan for 5, quickly followed up by Dunhill (13 for 1 off 3) removing the other opener Wilson for 2 via impact of the ball with middle stump.

At the end of the 6^th over the score was roughly 24 for 2 (roughly because the score at the end of each over was not filled in in the scorebook – frustrated gnashing of teeth …). Wood rang the first change bowlers with McGuinness and Mexter taking an end each. Both bowlers bowled with remarkable symmetry, McGuinness going for a steady 6 every over (largely thanks to his uncanny knack of bowling 1 four ball an over) and Mexter leaking just a measly 3 runs every over. Mexter also secured the wicket of Woodhead, who was starting to take a real anchor role, with one that came back into the left-hander to hit the stumps removing him for 12. McGuinness should also have had a wicket had the wicket-keeper and short extra cover fielder Butcher managed to judge a skied ball rather than leaving it to each other – in the case of Wood self-preservation came ahead of fielding. (Editor’s note: Force equals Mass x Acceleration. Stig has a great deal of mass. And he called!)

With the score at roughly 48 off 12 overs, Wood invited Scott and Taylor to bowl at the death. With two big hitters at the crease in the shape of Spencer and Birrell, Scott bowled a tidy first over that would have been even tidier if Lucas, after a great stop on the boundary, had kept his foot inside the line when he picked the ball up.

Taylor at the other end, started with a couple of ropey wides as he found his radar only to finally get one right in the block hole that was dollied nicely into the safe hands of Scott at shortish midwicket. With the Excelsior batters clearly needing to put some more runs on the board, Birrell in particular took the mantle with 6s off both Scott and Taylor. However wickets were also being lost, Mexter hitting 1 and a half stumps from gully to run out Glenwright for a duck and Taylor getting a second wicket thanks to Wood’s sharp stumping of Bodley. With the last two overs only conceding 11 runs, Excelsior climbed to a gettable 94 from their 18 overs.

With Wood pooped from 18 overs of keeping, Butcher and Boyes opened the Mallards reply. The deceptively quick Glenwright opened the bowling for Excelsior and leaked just a single in the first over, while Bodley saw Butcher open his shoulders and find the first boundary. With a slow outfield and low-bouncing pitch boundaries where hard to come by as the score generally moved along in singles, with the notable exception of a fine glance to the backward point boundary by Boyes. After 4 overs, skipper Krishnan turned to spin, and was immediately rewarded with the wicket of Butcher bowled for 9 off his first ball by one that turned sharply from outside off-stump.  At the end of the 6^th over the score was 21 for 1, behind the run rate, but only a couple behind the Excelsior score at the same point.

With Scott joining Boyes the watchword was still singles though Scott briefly re-wrote the script by scoring his first ever competitive 6, a beautifully timed pull that cleared the boundary by 5 yards. Boyes’ focus on risky singles finally got punished as Scott (12) ran straight towards the clubhouse rather then the end of the wicket, so far short of his crease was he.

Lucas in at a lofty 4 and under clear instructions from the captain to “hit out or get out” clearly took the instruction to heart and was lucky to survive a very sharp diving caught and bowled by the highly agile Wilson, however not so Boyes, who perished to another caught and bowled from the same bowler two balls later for a steady 15. At the end of the 12^th over the score was 50 for 3, ahead of Excelsior at the same stage but still well behind the required run rate.

Taylor made a swift 8, including a lovely straight driven four, only to be bowled by Wilson by one that turned sharply from outside off-stump and to his surprise clipped the bails. Wood, finally feeling sufficiently rested, came in at 6 and with boundaries looking decidedly distant elected to follow the Boysian strategy of quick singles and two’s – a policy not wholly welcomed by Lucas who, having scored freely, was run-out for 8 and Jordon run out for 4, possibly from exhaustion after being made to run a two. (His claims of being obstructed by the wicket-keeper were firmly rebuffed by the home umpire). With Excelsior bringing back their opening bowlers the required run-rate had crept up further, with 27 required from the last three overs. Some frantic running from Wood and McGuinness reduced this to 12 from the last over. McGuinness’s eventful innings almost ended when, having missed with a couple of attempted swipes he was clean bowled by Glenwright. Saved by umpire Taylor’s late no-ball shout, he repeated the shot with the same effect and exited for 2. This brought Mexter in with 11 needed off 3 balls. Unfortunately a 2 and a single from the next two balls left Wood requiring 8 from the final ball and the game was up. A final two left Mallards tantalisingly six runs short of victory on 89 for 7.

So Mallards 1, Excelsior 1 after two very close competitive games and mutterings that we should try and organise a decider. The new pay-for-food regime at the Wellington was more than compensated by sheer quantity and also helped by the fact that only the old (now retired) guard from the Excelsior team turned up the pub. (Editor’s note: The younger, fortunate-to-be-still-working teachers had rushed home to prepare their lesson plans, presciently fearing the biting cuts that were about to be imposed on them by a draconian government unbelievably returned by a lily-livered, cowering electorate.)

With the North East experiencing the kind of weather that makes climate change deniers go and lie down in a darkened room, head groundsman Pete Nitsch somehow managed to produce a playable pitch for Mallards’ second game of the season against their landlords Riding Mill. An 18-over game was agreed with three overs per bowler and the usual retirement on 25. In a strange turn of events Mallards played with 10 men, McGuinness (don’t let the above smile fool you) having been persuaded to turn out for our opponents. (Rumours that Mr Nitsch has photos of some nefarious goings-on have been strongly denied by both Mr McGuinness and the goat.)

In the absence of the usual contenders, Mallards captain and vice-captain, Wood and Butcher, assumed responsibility and strode out to open the batting in glorious sunshine. Things began well and a combination of hard-running and Butcher’s well-timed off-drives saw three 2s come off the first over.

That combination continued for the first four overs with more good running (a rare 3 seeing a call for oxygen from the pavilion) interspersed with boundaries from Butcher keeping up the six-an-over run rate and at the end of the fourth over Mallards were well-placed on 24-0. A couple of quiet overs followed and when Butcher smashed another boundary to retire on 27 not out off the first ball of the 7^th over the score had reached 30-0.

Mexter joined Wood at the crease, and despite the new man hitting one boundary, the pair scratched around for a couple of overs before Mexter was caught at mid-off for 5. Wood followed in the next over caught behind for 3, leaving Scott and Cox to take the reins as Mallards crawled to 39-2 at the half-way stage.

Cox continued his fine form with the bat, though boundaries proved hard to find and the scoreboard turned over slowly before Scott’s patience ran out, as did his innings, a direct hit sending him back to the pavilion for 4. Jordan came and went, clean-bowled by the quisling McGuinness for 0 to bring last season’s batting legend Wisbach to the crease with the score at 55-4 after 14 overs.

A couple of late boundaries from Cox lifted the run rate slightly and saw him retire for the second game in a row on 25 and Beacock’s entrance was followed swiftly by his exit, missing a straight bowl for McGuiness’s second wicket as Mallards ended their innings on an under-par 82-5 from 18 overs.

Mallards took to the field in a strange combination of bright sunlight and freezing weather with many fielders glancing enviously at the keepers’ gloves. Hopes of an early breakthrough were slightly undermined when Riding Mill’s opening batsman (and number three bowler) pulled Dunhill’s first ball for six and further dented when Taylor’s first over went for 17, including two 6s and a 4.  Such was Horner’s haste that rumours of a spontaneous happy-hour being announced at the Wellington began to circulate and a fourth 6 in Dunhill’s second over saw him retire on 30 in the third over. Wicket-keeper Beacock was particularly glad to see the back of him after an ill-judged (in every sense) ramp shot had fortunately hit the stopper in the chest.

With Hall also chipping in with a couple of boundaries the home team had reached a damaging 43-4 from just 4 overs.

Despite this battering Mallards were keeping their heads up in the field with Scott’s feet proving a difficult obstacle for the opposition to pass and a maiden from Dunhill (0-16) and a tight opening over from Wisbach stopped the rot. Cox took over from Dunhill and managed to force some bounce from a pretty stodgy pitch with little luck, one inside edge going for four, and after eight overs Riding Mill were sitting pretty on 59-0, with just 24 needed from 10 overs to win.  Even the most optimistic Mallards was beginning to think the game might be up and, unfortunately, Horner’s replacement Taylor seemed to also have a taste for an early pint as he smashed two 4s and a 6 from Wisbach’s final over though the bowler did get a measure of revenge by having stumped by the impressive Beacock for 24 for Mallards’ first and only wicket of the night, Wisbach finishing with 1-24 from his three overs. Terry (RM’s number two bowler) joined Hall at the crease.

Cox managed to delay the end, completing his excellent spell of 0-12 from three before Scott bravely took over the bowling with just two runs needed for victory.  One ball later it was all over as Hall drove a straight four to give Riding Mill victory by 9 wickets.

A stalwart crowd gathered outside the Wellington, braving the chill, to debate the home side’s policy of excluding several members of their side from either batting or bowling, imagining the carnage that would have ensued if Wood and Butcher had decided to open the bowling as well.

Ultimately the Mallards decided to rise above such petty squabbling by stealing most of the chips and onion rings.

Here’s a conundrum. What’s the point of being club despot if you can’t bring the rule of authority down on the masses – e.g. by delegating responsibility for penning the match report to one of your minions? When this doesn’t happen the result is this opening 447 character rant and the entire team suitably demeaned in a way that is bound not to curry favour. Then again my personality profile has identified out that I am an uncaring autocrat at heart, so who’s worrying?

Enough Boysian digression…

With the Riding Mill wicket finally declared hard enough to play on, and a glorious evening more reminiscent of June than April, Mallards finally got their season underway against a full strength Excelsior Batters.

After losing the toss, vice-captain Stig (pictured above) saw his team put into bat. After a hasty dressing room conference consultation with one of his senior colleagues (Mr Nitsch), the batting line-up was determined, with Kent and, a slightly reluctant Nitsch sent in to open the Mallards account. Kent, taking first strike, took a Tavare-like approach to the tidy bowling of Wright and ensured the season started with a maiden. Kents’ dedication to keeping the wickets column at 0 was such that when Nitsch retired on 25 (in an innings that included 2 beautifully timed 6’s) at the start of the 6^th over, the score was 26. Mr Extras was only other scorer.

Putting himself in at 3, Butcher immediately opened his account with a flashy 2 amid mutterings from Kent about playing yourself in first. Butcher wasn’t in the mood for hanging around, and somehow instilled some impetus in Kent, much to the chagrin of the rest of the team who where offering spread betting odds on him finishing not out on 9-11 runs at the end of the innings. Butchers’ assault on the bowlers ended prematurely thanks to fine full-stretch catch at cover by Wood (sounds familiar – Ed). With Cox in at 4, a solid partnership then developed seeing both batsmen running well between the wickets and both Kent and Cox retiring on 25 not out in the 15^th over with the score at 108 for 1.

With 2 new batsmen in, in the shape of Scutt and Lucas, and Excelsior turning to their most economical bowlers, runs became harder to come by. However, thanks to some sharp run-calling from the boundary, a 9-run partnership developed, only for Lucas to be castled while valiantly attempting to hit the ball over the boundary (having been thwarted on his first-ever scoring shot for Mallards, seeing it hauled in a foot from the rope for just a single). This left Beacock to hit a cameo single from the final ball of the innings and Scutt, determined to get a decent average this season, not out on 6. The total set for Excelsior to win 119 – not bad on a pitch with a slow outfield.

Butcher’s attempt to help proceedings by using a white ball was thwarted by opposing captain Krishnan who politely declined his request – strike one from his box of tricks to swing the odds in Mallards favour. However, Butcher turned to his second trick, a new-ball opening partnership of McGuinness and Mexter. Sadly Krishnan, taking first strike for Excelsior, failed to repeat his diamond duck of last season despite plenty of vocal encouragement from Taylor to do so, but clearly phased by McGuiness’s bowling took a cheeky single. This gave McGuiness the chance to soften up the other opener Spencer with a high looping no-ball before trapping him on the back foot for a relatively straightforward lbw decision for umpire Jordan.

While Krishnan was freely scoring from one end, in particular showing Mexter a total lack of respect, other batsmen found things more difficult, with the outfield starting to slow down more as the temperature cooled. Mexter did get his reward though, clean bowling Bishell for a duck in his final over to finish with figures of 1 for 21 off 3, while McGuinness finished his spell with 1 for 16 off 3, the score at the end of the 6^th over an on-the-pace 41.

Ringing the changes, Wisbach and Cox were invited to bowl, the former starting with an almost Shane Warne-like ball of the century dismissal of Brexice, clean-bowled around his legs for the 3^rd Excelsior duck of the night. With Krishnan retiring on 25 not out, Wilson and Bodley took the attack to Mallards. Despite some valiant fielding from Lucas – the ball magnet for the evening –  runs started to flow, especially from Wisbach who was probably unfairly treated due to the runs being largely dried up at Cox’s end.

At the end of the 12^th over, the score was approximately 89 for 3 (the scoreboard on the night and the book-keeping were both a bit vague on this) and Butcher was under pressure to find some inspiration to stem Excelsior’s charge.

Counter-intuitively he decided to turn to experience choosing Nitsch and Taylor to bowl the final 6 overs (with the contingency plan of putting himself on if things started to hit the fan).

After slightly expensive first overs with 16 runs conceded (all in singles and two’s), both found their stride with runs started to dry-up and pressure building on the batsmen. Nitsch was the first beneficiary thanks to a fine catch taken by Cox at deep mid-wicket to dismiss Wilson on 24 and Taylor in the next over clean bowling Langley for 1 (not that he actually witnessed the delivery after slipping at the point of release and finished in a crumpled heap only to look up at some happy Mallards fielders).

Nitsch finished his spell with another wicket to finish with a highly respectable 2 for 14 off his 3 overs. With Excelsior needing 13 runs for victory from the final over, Butcher decided to keep his faith in Taylor (well he had little choice because by this time he was already at the end of his amble (run-up is too charitable nowadays).

A trio of singles started the over before a controversial not-given stumping was followed up by Taylor, again slipping, clean-bowling Henderson for 1 with one that beat everything before coming to rest at the base of middle stump with just enough force to dislodge a bail. With just one ball remaining and 10 needed the game was up for returning batsman Krishnan who could only force a single off the last ball to give Mallards a fine opening victory by just 8 runs.

The final 6 overs conceded just 30 runs for 4 wickets with only one boundary conceded (we decided not to say which bowler because it might upset Peter.)

So, off to the Wellington in still surprisingly good light, amid speculation as to whether captain Wood would be able to maintain the winning streak next week, or whether he would even make the starting XI!