Mallards midweek magic against Benwell & Walbottle had given the side their first victory of the campaign and a degree of optimism going into the fourth game of the season, a home tie at Riding Mill against Excelsior Batters.

Little had separated the sides over the past two seasons, both sides winning twice in the four games contested. Mallards were hoping to overturn a couple of early season defeats into a two game winning hot streak, something not achieved since those long and hazy summer nights of 2014.

The toss fell favourably into the hands of Captain Cox who elected to bat. Wisbach accompanied Cox as they took positions at their respective creases. Thompson stepped in to field for the visitors and ‘two tone’ Gareth Taylor took his place as umpire fresh and full of tales from his trip to the school of umpiring. Thankfully the opposition did consist of some bowlers to get the balls rolling.

Against some tough openers, it was time for Wisbach to batten down the hatches and he clearly thought it best to try and see out the entire innings. A single off his first 16 deliveries was a welcome return. Cox’s dirty work at the other end helped to gain those less than essential runs. Taylor keeping a close eye on the total, 15 after 5 overs.

Wisbach’s Boycottian style of dot balls, only ever so slightly risky singles and disregard for run rate, frustrated the bowlers and helped to boost enthusiasm from the sidelines. His defiance was eventually undone by a delivery from Ahmed, going for a grand total of 9. Mallards were 40 for 1 in the 10th over.

Wood eased into things with a cheeky four. His trademark leg sided glances along with some snap decision making helped to boost the run rate. Meanwhile there was a welcome token visit from Peter Nitsch, his pooch and other village people looking for a slice of the action at a packed out Riding Mill. A flurry of singles and boundaries saw Cox retire for 30 not out (including 5 boundaries in total), allowing Gibbons to take to the field. A quiet start consisting of knicks and helmet malfunctioning soon blossomed into criminal damage. A pie chucked down the leg side was despatched for 6 into the car park and onto a land rover bonnet.

Wood’s twinkle toes and agility between the wicket was working wonders until Riding Mill’s ever present microclimate seemed to be his downfall. A sneaky second looked comfortable.  A fielder threw in close to the wickets and a sudden gust of wind seemed to knock off a bail. Dunhill’s eagle eye assured us all the ball had indeed knocked off the bail. He performed his duties and Wood was given out for 26. Bateman took his place at the crease. Taylor’s decisive not out call from an acute angle behind the stumps for a run out later on would be the highlight of a first innings umpiring masterclass.

Unhappy not to have cracked any windscreens earlier, Gibbons’ second pie in the sky was destined for Bateman’s wheels. Much to his relief it was deflected to safety by the trees.  A stern word at the end of the over deterred Gibbons from further felony and he would retire on 20 not out.

Bateman hit two further boundaries in quick succession, but a direct hit to the goolies seemed to take the wind from his sails. The final over of the innings being less fruitful for our resident Kiwi, but nevertheless capping a fine 13 not out to finish. Mallards had reached a rather splendid 128 for 2 off 20 with 88 runs from the last 10 overs.

A quick Tina turn a round and the Mallards were set up in an aggressive stance on the field. Andy Dunhill opened the bowling from the Tree end. Despite jibes of a four and three from their opener Krishnan, a fine delivery edged through to Beacock was held and elated the field. Yet Gareth Taylor’s digit was nowhere to be seen. Presumably it was in his pocket as he was at square leg. His fellow umpire couldn’t be persuaded by the swoons of the Mallards, writhing with the knowledge a catch does indeed equal a wicket. It was not given though and The Mallards would have to crack on regardless. Beacock, in particular, would have cause for regret. Yet there would be even greater bewilderment from the apparently qualified umpiring that would follow.

At the other end Watson helped to steady the ship with a couple of tight overs. A swinging delivery was nicked but evaded Beacock’s big hands this time. The Excelsior batters were looking lively and matching the 6.45 per over run rate required for victory.  Yet Dunhill help to stem the flow of the batsmen with his last two overs and would finish with figures of 22 for 0 off 4 overs. Very decent.

McGuiness stepped up knowing wickets would be essential. There was to be no doubt for McGuiness’ first – spooned high into the field and caught by Gibbons at long on. But he knew it wasn’t going to be this easy. The Excelsior Batters were piling on the pressure and hoping to teach a lesson outside of the classrooms they normally inhabit.

The Mallards also had to contend with GT’s second innings transformation. From a slick ball counting secretarial vegetarian, his new experiential umpiring wisdom raised him to a Zen like state of connection with Mr Extras.  Together they redefined the concept of a no ball and would no longer abide by the laws of cricket or logic. The corridor of uncertainty became the only safe haven to the bowlers as anything pitched outside of this was given as a wide.  Both no balls and wides would flow like wine. The Mallards were confused but happy enough that Taylor looked tranquil signalling at a level of higher consciousness throughout the second innings.

Despite this, Bateman took over from the ever reliable ‘Doctor’ Watson (0 -14 off 4) and bowled Bodley early doors for 9, the Batters now requiring 80 odd from the 10 overs remaining.

McGuiness found his mojo in his decisive third over, taking out Birell and Jobling with a couple of peaches. The Mallards were cooking on gas. Oodles of dot balls from Bateman and the wicket of Mr Spencer would help to quash the Excelsior charge. Bateman would finish with a remarkable of 3 for 2 off four overs.

Alex ‘Jeffro’ Thompson’s deceptive ‘you think it’s a wide then it’s a wicket’ approach almost paid off when another edge through to Beacock was dropped. He was then agonisingly close to catching a second edge through from Thompson- it would seem the slippery mitts were letting down the normally safest of hands – forcing him to wear the gimp mask as punishment (see above) seemed a trifle harsh. Thompson would finish with 0 for 26 off 4, but deserved better, though Moran’s eager fielding had undoubtedly helped to curb the running total.

In his final over, McGuiness added another lamb to the slaughter with his fourth wicket, Tiffin the sacrifice. Again clean bowled, again McGuiness. Again the temperature rising.  He finished with 4 for 24 off 4. Bateman burnt down the house with his final wicket, finishing off Excelsior for 102 for 6 off 20. Mallards registering a second successive victory by 26 runs. Friday Night fever was upon us.

Excelsior, gracious in defeat, chipped in for the pitch costs and whipped out a bin bag full of a range of sandwiches. Corned beef, ham and tomato and cheese and onion were all there to choose from.

Post match boozing at the Welly helped to cool things down and the chat consisted of which sandals and factor suncream to pack in the bags for a trip to the beach on Tuesday. The Mallards would face Kings School Old Boys at Priors Park in Tynemouth.

Two seasons ago the Mallards played in freezing conditions at Walbottle Campus, fielding as the hailstones rattled around the outfield. Having endured similar conditions at home to Nitsch’s Black Book XI just last week there were some suggestions that the team should change its name, with the Arctic Monkeys topping the poll.

Fortunately, as the teams gathered at Walbottle last night it was clear that the weather gods had decided to give them a break this week – there was even a sighting of a strange yellow ball in the sky which drew much comment and the occasional silent prayer of allegiance. Plans to sacrifice a lamb from a nearby field were only halted by the intervention of a large, rosy-cheeked farmer – no, wait, that was captain Butcher turning up slightly late, citing some arcane notion of work commitments. In his absence a hastily arranged committee had nominated Fixtures Secretary McGuinness as the most senior man present and he duly won the toss and elected to bat.

Nitsch (he of the Black Book) and returning legend Musset opened the batting and the latter underlined his youthful promise with two firmly driven fours in the first over. Sadly his senior partner could not match such endeavour – or cope with the very low bounce – and quickly succumbed to the sharpish Henton, clean bowled for 2.  Skipper Butcher (perhaps with work commitments still distracting him) succumbed in identical fashion shortly after for a solid 0.

Wood joined young Musset and things settled down as the former leant on his bat and watched his partner carve the ball around beautifully before being forcibly retired on 33 not out in the eight over with the score on 42-2. Buckley joined Wood and the score continued to mount despite both batsmen having some difficulty with the Taylor-esque bowling of Draper whose rag-bag collection of SGW caused much frustration, Buckley eventually holing out to a fine catch at a long leg for 7 with the score on 62-3 in the 11^th over. McCaffrey joined Wood and the pair stepped up the scoring before Wood finally succumbed to the devilish Draper, playing on for 17 as Mallards reached a solid base of 77-4 in the 13^th over.

Beacock joined MCaffrey but didn’t last long, bowled by Bateman for 3, which brought McGuinness to the crease. No doubt inspired by his brief cameo as captain, the latter blazed away from the off, finding the enormous leg-side boundary to get off the mark as McCaffrey dropped anchor at the other end. The pair added 24 in the next four overs before McCaffrey was bowled for 10 by the home side’s new youth prospect Dunhill. McGuinness was next to fall victim to the home-grown assassin, bowled for a rapid 21.

Dunhill then cemented his early bid for the Friendly Fire trophy by removing Watson in similar fashion for 2 as Mallards ended their 20 overs on a respectable 114-8, Thompson and Haylock both unbeaten on 1 apiece.

Mallards took to the field in chirpy mood, the usual ageing crew perhaps spurred by the youthful exuberance of Musset and Thompson. Such wild optimism reaped early reward when McGuinness, still revelling in praise of his batting, took a very sharp catch off his own bowling to dismiss the clearly gobsmacked Henton for 1.  Not standing on ceremony he followed this up in his second over, clean bowling Singh for 4 to reduce B and W to 18-2 from 4 overs.  But he wasn’t finished there. In his third over he lured youngster Abbas out of his crease and saw keeper Beacock sharply throw down the stumps from some distance back for a third wicket.

Watson, who had bowled very well at the other end for little reward then joined the party in his final over, producing a beauty to clean bowl new batsman Robbie for a duck. As the opening bowlers finished their spells, Mallards were starting to feel a sense of optimism having reduced the home side to 25-4 in 7 overs, Watson finishing with 1-16 and McGuinness an excellent 3-8.

New bowlers Musset and Haylock temporarily deflated that optimism, leaking 21 runs from the next two overs. However, both bowlers reacted well, changing their approach from then on: Musset reverted to spin from medium fast and Haylock stopped bowling pies. The brakes were firmly applied with just seven runs from the next five overs, the bowlers ably supported by the sharpest fielding performance in some time with many fine stops and returns pinning the batsmen down.

Musset finished his three-over spell for just five runs as an inspired bowling change from skipper Butcher saw Thompson take a wicket in his first over (his maiden wicket for Mallards!) bowling Banman for 0 to reduce the home team to 53-5 from 14 overs, needing 62 from the last six for victory.

Haylock then finished his spell, a fine 0-18 from four overs, his figures slightly marred by a six from his last ball from new batsman Hassan, who had replaced the retired opener Bell. Hassan now looked the only danger to Mallards victory hopes as he repeated the stroke from new bowler Nitsch clearing skipper Butcher by inches on the midwicket boundary.

Mallards were in no mood to let him deny them a first victory of the season though and Thompson and Nitsch maintained a solid off-stump line, backed up by more fine outfielding to keep the home team in their place, Hassan eventually being bowled by Thompson for 17, the bowler finishing with 2-19 from his four overs. Nitsch (0-8) finished the job, conceding just two singles from the final over as the away side ended their reply on 90-6, a Mallards victory by 24 runs.

There’s nothing like a gentle knockabout to get the season started – and this was nothing like a gentle knockabout to get the season started.

Opening opposition Seaton Burn took the opportunity to give several first-teamers a run-out while Mallards took the opportunity to give all their bowlers a game. Stand-in skipper Wood (all the elected hierarchy having clearly heard rumours of strong opposition) won the toss and chose to bowl to try and avoid a very early finish – an 18-over game was agreed to make sure the game didn’t finish in the dark.

A lop-sided Mallards team took to the field after playing a quick game of spot the batsman – the late withdrawal of the mighty Kent exacerbating a bowler-heavy problem.

Veterans Cleaver and Dunhill opened the bowling and both started well, just eight runs coming from the first couple of overs. Cleaver, in particular, was desperately unlucky not to get some early wickets, beating the bat several times and inducing a collection of top edges, all of which fell into gaps. After five overs, with the batting team having reached 33-0 they were replaced by Browne and Watson with the opening batsman well settled and the score continuing to mount. Five overs later it had reached 72-0 with both openers retired on 30. Haylock and McGuiness were the next two bowlers to step up and they both started well, Haylock bowling very neatly and McGuiness finally making a breakthrough with his first ball, bowling Garfield for 1.

Unfortunately, new batsman Fenwick was now finding his feet and the score continued to rise as the opposition reached 98-1 from 14 overs. Bowlers seven and eight, Wisbach and Nitsch came on to try their luck but there was none to be had as Seaton Burn finished on a hefty 136-1 from 18 overs. There’s little that can be said about the typically rusty early-season fielding – maybe try using hands next time out chaps – but special mention should be made of Wisbach and Haylock who have both clearly spent the winter perfecting their slow dive technique. Fine work, gentlemen.

Nitsch and McCaffery failed to avoid the skipper’s eye and were sent out to open the batting. Hopes that Seaton Burn would be generous were misplaced as the opening bowlers marked off their lengthy run-ups – a prelude to some early season chin music as Nitsch, in particular, had to perfect his ducking and diving. Runs were immediately hard to come by, only two from the first two overs. A brief flurry saw Mallards rise to 9 in the third over but that was a false peak as both openers were to perish on that total, Nitsch caught and bowled for 6 by Marshall (2 overs, 1 for 0) and McCaffery bowled by Adair for 3.  Gibbons and Wisbach arrived at the crease in close order and both started well, Gibbons finding the boundary from Radjiv, one of two sharp spinners brought on to continue the onslaught. The new pair settled things down as the score crept along to 19-2 in the eighth over when Gibbons fell to a simple catch from Singh.

Wood joined Wisbach at the crease and the scoreboard finally began to creep upwards as the pair added 20 in the next four overs, Wisbach, in particular, looking in good form. Unfortunately, with the score on 45, Wood called a quick single and his partner was left stranded by a sharp piece of fielding, run out for a well-made 18. A suitably penitent skipper hung his head in shame, so distracted that he then smashed a four to the boundary and was bowled next ball for 11 to leave the home side on 49-5 from 16 overs.  A brief flurry from McGuiness amid some hilarious yes-no-yes-no running with Browne ended with the former being unsurprisingly run out for 6 which still left time for Dunhill to be undone by a slower ball for 0 in the final over, Mallards eventually finishing on 57-7 with Browne unbeaten on 1 and Watson not out 0.

A difficult game played on a very cold night did not deter an excellent 100 per cent pub turn out as the beaten but unbowed Mallards shared dark, though unconfirmed, tales of senior defections to the Corbridge Cuckoos which will obviously be referred to the disciplinary panel. Hopefully harsh beer fines will result to deter any future infringements.

P.S. WE’VE GOT SIGHT SCREENS! TWO OF THEM. REAL ONES. LIKE PROPER CRICKETERS!