Sometimes, games with Mallards live long in the memory and sometimes they’re best to be forgotten almost immediately. This game can be listed in the category of the former (which is probably why it’s taken so long to get this match report written up [I’ll casually gloss over the fact that I’d completely volunteered to write it!!])

The Heaton Medicals Ground is an absolute joy of a ground – a secluded idyll of greenery protected from the hordes of drunken, promiscuous (lucky bastards), ne’er-do-well students who are slowly taking over the suburb of Heaton gutter by gutter, by a large wooden fence, high trees and thick shrubbery. It’s a pity we don’t play here more but, unfortunately, we don’t have a DUP-sized pot of money available to help bribe the groundsman – sorry, I mean, form an arrangement where we have confidence in the groundsman and he’ll supply us with a good wicket.

Anyway, on to the game. The skipper for tonight’s game, Mark Buckley, arrived just before 6pm armed with his piece of paper that had the names of the squad written on it and who was going to do what (in theory). Winning the toss (with a coin of his own as the Sparta skipper couldn’t be arsed to go and get one of his own), Buxom put Sparta in to bat as he was feeling sorry for them in that they only had 9 players. Opening with the young whipper-snappers Tony “Trigger-Finger” Cleaver and Andy “Make mine a packet of 20” Dunhill, the game was all set to become a classic, where people will be saying in years to come  “I was there”, “I bought the dvd” and “who was playing again?”.

Sparta opened with D Douglas and S Gibb, DD showing Trigger-Finger respect by blocking the first over for a maiden. Gibb wasn’t so capable in the 2^nd over as he was removed 2^nd ball by Dunhill for the good-ol’ leg-before! More plumb than a capable plumber who was feeling particularly plumbish that day. Anyway, this brought G Nelson to the wicket and we were to settle into a particular rhythm for this batsman who tended to flat-bat the ball to long-on. Kenty gave Buxom the heads-up about this but, being ever so supportive of his bowlers, the skipper gave Dunhill the chance to show what he could do. Unfortunately, almost immediately, Dunners presented the batsman with a rank long-hop which was duly despatched to the long-on boundary arc. Reticent to adjust the field (even with Kenty giving Buxom a look portraying “I told you so”) after a bad ball being given the treatment it duly deserved, the Skip kept the field as it was. When the next 4 was despatched to the same place off a perfectly fine ball from Dunhill, Buxom conceded and set the field accordingly. This was to prove very beneficial during the Sparta innings. Both TF and Dunners toiled away admirably against DD and Kiss Me Hardy by keeping the boundaries limited and they finished with 4-1-22-0 and 4-0-22-1 respectively. The change of bowlers brought a slight loosening of the shoulders for the 2 batsmen with Wisbach getting particularly rough treatment from the batsmen. Watson was slightly meaner with his bowling and the only 4 that came from his bowling was when Buxom literally jumped out of the way of a shot heading at high speed towards his shins (the Skip is using the fact that he’s running the Great North Run this year for charity as a valid excuse for protecting his shins – still doesn’t excuse the fact he didn’t react quick enough to use his hands!!). However, Nelson quickly retired back to port with an impressive 31 not out whilst DD followed not long after for 34 (after hitting a 4 so really should have retired 4 runs earlier!!) and this brought Spratt and Mattock to the wicket. Buxom replaced Watson after 2 overs to bring on Hamid from the pavilion end to add a bit of pace to the attack towards the end of the innings. Going for 6 runs off his first 2 overs plus a few byes, it helped stem Sparta’s run-rate and, with Wisbach valiantly toiling away at the other end, he eventually got his reward when Spratt skied a shot that was caught by Kenty at short mid-off. Spratt was gone for 14 and Stu finished with figures of 4-0-31-1 – a great effort. Watson was brought back on to replace Wisbach and add the end of his first over of his 2^nd spell, was rewarded with the stumping of Mattock for 9 after some great glove work from Beakers behind the sticks. With S Foulds and J Ellis now at the crease for Sparta, some great bowling from both Watson and Hamid kept the scores down. Hamid got a wicket in his last over when Buxom took a rather splendid catch low down at cover (pretty much what he should have done off Watson’s bowling) to remove Ellis and Watson was unlucky in his last over going for 10 runs. Watson finished with 4-0-26-1 and Hamid 4-0-12-1.

It must also be said that it was a fantastic effort from the entire team with great fielding, willingness to move positions for different batsmen, chasing down the ball to prevent boundaries and tolerating a skipper who was, in a way, making it up as he went along!! Everyone should be rightly proud of their role.

The Mallards’ innings began with Kenty and Harry Singh opening for us. We were confident of a good 50+ partnership for these 2 so when, after a couple of boundaries, Harry was removed for 8 off the bowling of Langley, there was a slight air of disappointment. Being offered great support from the stands (well, the bench just behind the boundary) by messrs Rob Wilson and Captain Stig, the positivity was there and in went Mr Wisbach at number 3. After a nice little shot for 4, Stu was removed after being clean-bowled by Ellis with a ball that pitched on leg and hit off-stump. You can do nothing about those type of deliveries!

This brought in Chris Lucas to support Kenty who’d been building up an impressive innings and he eventually retired for 32 which brought Buxom to the crease. After a slow start and seeing Mr Lucas removed, clean-bowled by Ellis, for a duck, Hamid joined Buxom at the crease and the run-rate picked up again with some boundaries and good, quick running between the wickets which put the pressure on the Sparta team. After Hamid was removed for 9 after being clean-bowled by Spratt, Buxom was joined at the crease by Si Holland, who was to provide some fabulous support!

It must be said that during the time that the Skip was batting, he was also asking people to swap over and field for Sparta (to bring their numbers up to ten) as well as getting the umpires changed over. A big thank you to Tony, Si, Chris Lucas and Mr Watson for fielding for Sparta – very good of you!

Anyway, back to the batting, Buxom and Holland put together a good little stand with a good mixture of boundaries (including a 4 for Holland!!) and little ones and twos, with Buxom basically shouting at Mr Holland what to do. To be fair, he more than capably held his own and did what he was told very well!! They also had to contend with a little strop for the Sparta skipper who took umbridge at Harry calling wides when he said he let loads like that go. Harry got the calls right because if Buxom can’t reach them, then they’ve got to be fairly wide. Whilst their skipper was mouthing off and about to start his run-up, Buxom just walked away and refused to face the bowling as it was not in the spirit of the game and gave their skipper a minute to calm down. Thanked by the wicket-keeper and slip fielder for doing that, Buxom then ensured that he kept his wicket.

When Buxom retired for 33, Beacock came to the wicket under the strict instruction from the Skip as their paths crossed to “swing at everything and run like there’s no tomorrow! To be fair to Beakers, that’s what he did and even though he was bowled by Nelson for just 2, he’d followed the instructions to the letter!! Watson joined Holland at the crease and things were getting very close now. We were down to the last 2 overs and we had Tony and Dunhill padded up. It was then that Mr Holland hit a fabulous 4 off Spratt straight back down the ground that was received with a loud roar from the watching Mallards. At the end of the 18^th over, we were on 113 chasing down the 118 set by Sparta. We then saw a great combo of Mr Holland and Watson close out the innings by getting the required runs and we actually scored the winning runs from a no-ball and a good bit of running off that no-ball too.

MALLARDS HAD WON!!

So, in summary, fabulous bowling from Cleaver, Dunhill, Wisbach, Watson and Hamid was more than ably supported by a great fielding display from the whole team. The batting was mightily impressive too with good running between the wickets keeping the pressure on the fielding team and pushing them into mistakes. In the end, a more than well-deserved win for Mallards. Well done everyone.

For several season Mallards CC has been like one of those 40-something MILFs you see hanging around in World Headquarters, desperately needing an injection of youth before they forget what their equipment is for. Whilst the will and the knowledge of what’s required has been there, the energy, vim and vigour has been sadly lacking. But not any more.

This season the Mallards Cougar Club have found the young blood they needed and the change has been remarkable, renewed energy, running power and stamina abound – possibly due to the extensive pre-match exercise routines the youngsters have insisted upon – see pic above.

The regeneration has not been without a downside, a certain inconsistency of performance, occasional lapses in concentration and some difficulty in holding a bat whilst desperately clinging on to their latest I-phone, but overall the experiment has succeeded, the fielding improved immeasurably and less discussion in the bar afterwards about the merits of poor to middling 1970s soft rock acts.

Unfortunately others have noted this success and aimed to match it, not least Excelsior Batters, an always friendly, well-matched, school-based opponent who last night took advantage of a greater access to such youth by fielding several fresh-faced six-formers.

Captain Butcher, winning the toss, decided to copy last week’s winning tactic of putting the opposition in and chasing – a decision that bore early fruit when the skipper himself pouched yet another catch for his portfolio, Ali trying to over-hit a good-length ball from Galloway.

Sadly, one of the perils of youth appears to be an inability to keep a good scorebook so details of partnerships, falls of wickets and scores after each over in the first innings will be purely imaginary. Maybe we should look at introducing the use of an ‘App.’

The other opener, Haggie, was unfortunately quick to get into his stride, taking particular advantage of anything near his legs and regularly peppering the pavilion boundary. New batsman and opposition skipper Krishnan also began well and the score began to creep up – let’s say 30-1 after six overs for want of anything actually written down.

Both the opening bowlers, Browne and Gilloway had started well but both suffered a little in their final overs, as 20-odd runs were added before, from the latter’s final ball, Krishnan aimed a shot in the general direction of the moon.  Wood, at a short mid-off, stared up at the increasing rainfall, waited patiently, checked his watch, had a chat about Existentialism with Lucas at point, smoked an imaginary cigarette and then, eventually, when the ball broke back through the earth’s atmosphere pouched the catch, leaving the opposition on 50-2ish after 8 overs. At this point the rain seemed to get even worse and both sides trooped off for a five-minute break.

On their return, skipper Butcher, showing the wisdom of his age, ignored the desires of some of his ageing bowling options and stuck to the younger brigade, calling forward Thompson and Gibbons and the latter struck in his first over, bowling Jobling for 6.  At the other end Haggie had continued to bat well and at some unmentioned point retired for 30.

Thompson, after a slow start, found his groove and put a brake on the scoring rate, conceding just six runs from his second and third overs before Gibbons struck again, bowling a beauty which bounced and jagged back in to clean bowl Barrett for 9 leaving Excelsior on approximately 85-4 from 14 overs.

Unfortunately, this brought a new, younger batsman to the crease in Mir and he played fluently from the off, crashing two fours from Gibbons’ last over, despite which the bowler finished with a fine 2-22 from his four overs, Thompson finishing with a very decent 0-19 from his four.

Finally the veterans got their chance as Mexter and Nitsch were brought on to finish the innings. Mexter looked to have struck in his first over when Bodley carved the ball high in the air towards a nearby rainbow. Wood, again, waited calmly as the ball returned to earth and again pouched the ball – then dropped it. Any suggestions that the torrential rain had reduced the ball to a bar of soap were, like some of the scoring stats, purely imaginary.

Fortunately the drop didn’t prove too costly as two balls later a terrific piece of fielding by Gibbons and the quick reactions of bowler Mexter ran Bodley out for 9 – credit should go to the batsman for his super-sporting gesture of accepting the run out with the umpire nowhere to be seen (an umpiring lesson that Gibbons should have taken notes from – see later). At the other end, though, Mir had continued to press on and somewhere around this point he retired on 31.  Nitsch and Mexter finished things off well though, restricting the batsmen to singles in the last two overs as Excelsior finished on 124-5 – normally a par score but, given the conditions, probably better than it sounds.

Hall and Wisbach led the Mallards response but their desire for a fast start was thwarted by opening bowler Glenwright who began with two maiden overs.  Realising the need to up the pace, Hall managed to find a boundary at the other end but in attempting to find another was undone by a very low bounce and bowled for five in the fourth over. Wood joined the fray with Mallards already behind the required rate on 10-1 from 4 overs.

Wisbach was the next to go, chasing down a second run and, according to the square leg umpire, Gibbons, coming up slightly short.  One of the perils of youth is not to have developed the various excuses you can make up for not giving your team-mates out (the sun was in my eyes, one of the fielders blocked my view, sorry I was looking at my phone etc). Wisbach, to his credit, gave a brief nod of disappointment before wearily trudging back to the pavilion bringing skipper Butcher to join Wood with the score on 11-2 in the fifth over.

By this time the rain had stopped but the pitch had been reduced to a bit of a quagmire with sawdust all over the bowlers’ run-ups and deep holes around the batting crease. Batting was a bit of a lottery and, at first, the new pair struggled to move the score on and after 8 overs Mallards were way behind the rate on just 22-2, needing 103 from the final 12 overs.

Inspired by the energy of their youthful colleagues and the opposing outfielders they decided to step things up by running for everything. Suddenly the score began to mount as dots became ones, ones became twos, and twos became threes. Several pounds were shed and a heart consultant put on standby but it began to work. After 12 overs the score had reached 53-2 – even the introduction of the Friendly Fire nominee Dunhill failing to slow things down.  By now both batsmen were panting like the afore-mentioned MILF might have dreamed of but ignoring doctor’s advice they continued to charge up and down, even adding an occasional boundary. A further 23 runs came in the next three overs as victory changed from an impossibility to a remote possibility and then to a mere possibility.  Sadly, having added 61 in 8 overs, the pair were both soon to depart, Wood, caught by the keeper for a gallant 29 and Butcher retiring on a splendid 31 just a few balls later – a partnership of 66 having kept the game alive. Both batsmen then went for a long lie down.

Still, however, a nigh-impossible 42 was needed from 4 overs for victory. Excelsior had a last trick up their sleeve and brought back the two opening bowlers for our new batsmen, Nitsch and Lucas to face. With the light fading, and the pitch treacherous, it proved a mountain too high. Both batsmen swung hard but mostly missed, Lucas bowled by Glenwright and new batsman Mexter, being run out without facing a ball as Nitsch tried forlornly to match the running method of earlier.  Gibbons came in and hit a couple of good shots without reward as the innings finally came to a halt on 106-5, an honourable defeat by 18 runs.

A splendid turn out at the Wellington by both teams saw the many youngsters listening in awe at the feet of their elders as their veteran colleagues regaled them with tales of yore, of dinosaurs, dragons and highwaymen, trenchfoot, steam trains, black and white TV and Amstrad computers. A fine time was had by all, obviously.

Days of monsoon-like rain and a lack of opposition may have led to lesser teams spending the night in front of the telly but not the Mighty Mallards. Riding Mill’s unique micro-climate, very own super groundsman Pete Nitsch and Hamid’s black book meant that we were able to enjoy a full 20-over game in remarkably pleasant conditions.

There is no such thing as a guaranteed win  – as Theresa May would find out later that very evening – but this election day dust up was as close as Mallards will get, as the late withdrawal of original opponents Ovingham meant that this was effectively Mallards v Mallards  (with a few of Hamid and Harry’s mates to help make up the numbers) so a minimum of 6 Mallards would definitely be on a winning side – welcome news following 5 straight defeats!

The window of dry weather obviously caught out some people as only 20 turned up to play but these were soon divided into 2 teams which just for convenience sake shall now be referred to as MCC and USCC and has nothing to do with the result (oops, spoiler alert!). Hamid very kindly offered to let one of the longer-serving Mallards captain USCC but unsurprisingly (to your current Captain at least!) this was politely declined so Harry stepped up to the breach and subsequently lost the toss to MCC Captain Butcher who chose to abandoned his tried and tested (and mostly losing) tactic of batting first by inviting USCC to bat.

Wisbach and Ankush opened the batting for USCC and got off to a steady if tentative start against some tidy bowling from Bateman and Thompson and some alert fielding (yes that’s right – alert!). 18 off the first 5 overs with just 10 fielders represented a great start for MCC.  Ankush started to find his range and punished Thompson’s 3rd over leading to the introduction of the evergreen Ian Stone or The Flashing Blade to use his official nick name (apparently!) Bateman finished strongly, bowling Ankush for 25 in his final over to finish with a very impressive 1 for 10 off 4 overs. Gibbons then took up where Bateman left off and bowled beautifully enticing Riswan to drive the ball straight to Butcher who took the catch despite looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights according to one team mate! Stone, sorry, TFB, also bowled nicely despite a lengthy lay off and took the wicket of Wisbach for 10 (all in singles) and finished with a highly respectable 1 for 18 off 4. Gibbons held on to a steepling catch off his own bowling to dismiss Harry, much to the relief of Wood, who despite complaining just moments earlier that the ball had come nowhere near him all night, seemed more than happy to let Gibbons take over! (Got to encourage the youngsters – Webmaster) Patrick finished with a great 2 for 14 off 4, leaving USCC on a meagre 64 for 4 after 15 overs. After some gentle cajoling from the Captain, Moran took the next over and while it is fair to say she took a while to find her line, finished the over well leaving Nitsch and Wood to close out the innings. Nitsch bowled Holland and had Hamid sharply stumped by Beacock for a well played 25, finishing with 2 for 9 off 3 – another great set of figures – bowling ones obviously Peter! Wood trapped Raheel in front and only slightly blotted his copy book by predicting his last ball would go for 4, which it duly did, but still finished with very respectable 1 for 5 off his 1 over. Mexter and Sailesh remained unbeaten as USCC finished on 100 for 7 off their allotted 20 overs – a great effort in the field for just 10 players and surely a gettable target, however regular readers will know not to take anything for granted – unlike Mrs May!

Shorn of any regular openers, Captain Butcher was forced to push himself up the order despite his recent terrible form and open the batting alongside Hall. It was clear from the outset that both batsmen had different targets, Hall to calmly accumulate the runs required to win and Butcher to simply survive his first ball, something he had failed to do in his last 2 innings! Hall was untroubled by USCC opening bowlers Sailesh and Mexter while Butcher avoided the ignominy of a hat trick of Golden Ducks by playing a solid defensive shot to rapturous(ish) applause from the Pavilion much to the bemusement of those unaware of the circumstances. Things were to (briefly) get even better for Butcher who managed to intersperse numerous dot balls with a couple of 4’s before a very fine edge to the keeper did for him, out for 8 and MCC on 13 for 1 off 3, just behind the required run rate. Wood then joined Hall and both batsmen played nicely taking the singles on offer and regularly finding the boundary so by the time Wood was (very) narrowly stumped off Rizwan for 16, MCC were on 49 for 2 off 8 overs with Hall on 20, and comfortably ahead of the run rate. Bateman (having checked the positioning of his box – see pic) then joined the fray and was clearly keen to get home to check out the exit polls as he set about the USCC bowlers and Raheel in particular with relish, hitting 3 glorious sixes in an over including one of (if not the biggest) six this correspondent has ever seen at Riding Mill. Hall was still steadily accumulating at the other end and both batsmen reached their retirement score (Hall 30 and Bateman 33) in the 14^th over leaving a paltry 8 to win off 6 overs. A maiden from Ankush and some tidy bowling from Haylock delayed the inevitable but new batsmen Nitsch and Gibbons stayed calm and knocked of the winning runs at the end of the 17^th over to complete an unusually comfortable victory.

As usual a healthy contingent headed to The Welly where those successful Mallards (tried with limited success) not to gloat in the face of those less successful Mallards! Thanks to club despot Taylor’s carefully worded fixture description, Mallards are able to claim victory and boost the seasons win statistics but in truth and fully mindful of the gut wrenchingly sickening cliché – cricket was the winner (as it was pretty incredible that a game was held at all), and there were no losers on the day – oops sorry Theresa, I forgot about you!

This story is based on actual events. In certain cases incidents have been changed for dramatic purposes.

A reasonably warm but partly cloudy evening greeted the Mallards at Newcastle City’s ground on the first day of June.

With a much changed team from the previous fixture of the week, the Mallards were in a relatively confident mood,  reminiscing over recent past wins against the opposition Davipart.

Mallards were batting first after losing the toss (I think we did anyway. Either way, we were batting).

In a change from the professional game, where the umpires are followed out by the players, Mallards like to start mind games early, by refusing to provide any umpires until the bowler, field and batsman are all set and ready. Only a cry from the opposition of ‘Can we have some umpires?’ allowed the release of the men in whites, as we didn’t have any umpire jackets or stones to count the balls. Psychological advantage was clear to see and we were well and truly one up over Davipart.

Malik and Singh were opening up and Thompson bowled a tight first over going for 3. The next over from Saif was equally  tight but then followed a turning point in the match. Thompson to Singh, big appeal for LBW, Peter ‘Dickie Bird’ Beacock raises the finger 6 for 1. Wood in next. A nice shot for 2 settled the nerves but then there was no need for the quick-fingered umpire 2 balls later as he was bowled. 10 for 2. Captain Butcher in next.

Malik was still looking comfortable taking a few singles and manoeuvring the strike to allow Butcher to face. Saif to Butcher, passes the bat. Keeper then throws the ball back to the stumps and there is a stifled appeal for a stumping. Denied by Peter ‘David Shepherd’ Beacock, play on. But what’s this???? Butcher is walking back towards the pavilion. Maybe he’s left something behind, like his box or the rule book of umpiring. It appears he’s given himself out as the wicket keeper was adamant his foot was out of the crease. (Even though there was barely a line to see). Possibly the first time we have seen a player overturning an umpire’s decision on a stumping. Controversially now 14 for 3 from 4 overs. Wisbach in next. Time for a bit a composure.

Malik negotiates Thompson’s next over, adding a couple more. The composed Wisbach facing up to his first ball. A wide one smashed straight to point – but put down!!! A single snatched from the jaws of a catch. Composure gone in the blink of an eye.

Wisbach and Malik continue to fend off the opening bowlers, running well and keeping the scoreboard ticking over to see Thompson and Saif off, almost. Saif’s last delivery was hit well by Malik but straight back to Saif who took a good catch. Malik gone for a nice 16. 31 for 4 after 8 overs. Thompson finished for a tight 4-13-2 and Saif just as good with 4-16-2. Beacock in next

In a rather precarious position Beacock and Wisbach showed how it should be done. Plenty of singles and couple of well-timed fours from each batsmen taking the score out of embarrassment and into poor – which most would have been happy with. The accurate bowling continuing with Dillon finishing 4-13-0.

A well-negotiated partnership of 33 came to an end after an in between over discussion was ignored by Wisbach. “We’ll see how this over goes and then have a thrash about in the final 3 overs” was agreed between the two batsmen.

But the loopy slow-paced Rawley was too tempting for Wisbach, who gracefully danced down the wicket and missed one that span about a meter (dramatisation) and was stumped. Wisbach gone for 22. Now 64 for 5. Mexter up next.

More singles and a cheeky run for a bye by Mexter added to the scoreboard. But then the famous Mallards curse was unleashed by Wood from the boundary. After Mexter snuck the extra, Wood was heard to shout ; “Well ran Leon” followed by ” he’ll probably get out now”. 71 for 6. Mexter bowled by Umar/Wood.

Big hitting Bateman in next. Beacock continued his fine innings with more singles and Bateman lit up the cloudy background with some lovely timing including a four and a big six off the final ball to take the total to 93/6. Beacock not out 15 and Bateman 12 from 6 deliveries.

From 31/4 I think 93/6 was an acceptable final total.

Over to the bowlers to continue the Mallards fight. Gilloway and Thompson opening up with some well-bowled overs which,  apart from a few byes from a wide one down the leg, gave Mallards a nice start, against a clearly talented opening batting pair. Then the first strike, Thompson to Sandhu, LBW for 7. Davipart 11 for 1.

The well-known and dangerous Y. Rawley was in next. The field backed off a bit in preparation for the swinging blade. 2 boundaries followed from Rawley, tarnishing the over a little. The bowlers hit back well, restricting the batsmen to mainly singles with Thompson finishing 3-19-1 and Davipart on 36 for 1 from 6.

Then, the moment of the match. Gilloway to Duzza, a big hit over deep mid-off, Thompson went forward, then sideways, then back and back and back and leapt like a salmon in cricket whites, raising one hand and grabbing a ‘Worldie’ (as quoted in the scorebook). Great catch, Duzza done for 4, Davipart 37 for 2. Gilloway finishing with a nice 4-21-1.

Mallards sensed a chance and brought on Bateman and Mexter. Bateman kept the pressure on with some accurate pitched-up deliveries and was unlucky not to get a breakthrough. However, the runs began to flow at the other end with Rawley getting into his stride with consecutive boundaries from Mexter.  Bateman continued with accuracy and by the end of his third over had only gone for 7. Rawley continued to make runs and before long had retired for a well-made 33, with the score on 73.

Deeps entered and continued to add to the score with a boundary off his second ball and paddled around a few singles with Dillion to bring the score to 83 with Mexter finishing up on 3-0-29. Bateman ran up to bowl his fourth and Dillion was obviously late home for his tea, as he hit Bateman for 6 back over his head. A few more singles and some byes got the scores levels and then the final ball of the over was knocked for single to hand a deserved victory to Davipart with 3 overs to go. Bateman unlucky to finish on 4-0-18.

Mallards knew the poor start was the main contributing factor to an under-par score but realistically Davipart probably would have chased down a far greater total than that. We take the positives of a great catch and a few decent batting and bowling performances and move onto the next.

As usual the match was played in a good spirit and Mallards filled the bar with the main discussion being non-cricket-related. Which team had their shirt framed in the club house? Green and white hooped. Celtic? Sporting Lisbon? Yeovil? Even with Leon taking a closer look he was none the wiser. It remains a club secret to this day. . . . . . Not really, it was Gosforth rugby club who played at the ground too.

The game of cricket is a strange beast. It can, on one hand, be an absolutely sublime game full of moments of genius that draw gasps of wonder from the crowd, skilled players making the impossible look simple, athletic fielding at levels of speed and agility that surely can’t be human and shots so powerful that the ball is past you before you’ve had time to blink, never mind move! On the other hand, it can involve Mallards, where the game goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, the only gasps from the crowd are ones of disbelief, the players make the simple look impossible, speed and agility are words seen only in a dictionary and the ball is usually past the batsman before they’ve had time to move!

So why was I screaming at everyone who was driving on the A69 at 5.55pm to get out of my “flipping” (or words along those lines) way so that I could get to Riding Mill on time to play this game? Because there’s something about playing in the Mallards team that is special. Is it the camaraderie? Is it the spirit in which the game is played? Is it the fact that it’s not taken too seriously? Is it that no-one knows what’s going to happen from one game to the next? Is it because the main objective of the night is to actually get to the pub after the game, rather than the game itself? The answer is, of course, that it’s all of the above and more.

Playing for Mallards was something I genuinely missed when living in Lincolnshire for the last couple of years. To be welcomed back into the fold so warmly and immediately made me realise exactly why I missed Mallards. It’s not necessarily about the game of cricket, it’s the social aspect that it brings. Which is probably why it’s taken me so long to get on to the game itself!

A lovely sunny evening in Riding Mill bode well for a good game of cricket and, with Mr Nitsch finishing off the cutting of the wicket as I pulled up in my car, the ground was in tip-top shape too. Apparently, we’d won the toss and were batting first against an Architects (or QSCC to give them their proper title) team that seemed to have a different mentality to other games we’ve played against them.

We opened with Mussett and Kenty against their opening bowling pair of Harkin and Harrison and our batsmen were soon well into their stride with 20 coming off the first 2 overs – Mussett tonking several 4s and Kenty chipping in with a boundary of his own. The next 2 overs continued at a similar rate as our scored moved onto 36 with the H-team taking a further bashing on their bowling figures. In the 5^th over, Mussett retired having passed 30 with a tonking six over long on off Spurs (who had replaced Harkin) and walked back to the pavilion to be replaced by Hall. It was in the 6^th over that our first wicket fell when Hall was clean bowled for just 1 trying to howk Harrison back over the bowler’s head for 6. The fact that he’d been hit on the arm by a bit of a beamer (admittedly accidental) from Harrison the ball before probably had a slight influence on the choice of shot.

Hall was replaced by the skipper, Mr Cox, and we thought we’d be back into our stride after the slight inconvenience of losing Mr Hall. At the end of the 6^th over we were 51-1, with Mussett back in the hutch, ready to return should we have a typical Mallardian collapse. Kenty and Mr Cox slowly started to rebuild the innings and, at the end of the 8^th over, the run rate was still impressive as our score moved on to 62. However, it was at the expense of losing the wicket of Mr Cox to the bowling of Harrison. A gorgeous flick off his legs was caught one-handed by the fielder at square leg. The one-handed bit was surely one for the cameras and totally unnecessary. The next batsman was Buxom, fresh from his retiring score against Durham the other week but, as we were to discover, unable, this week, to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo tonight never mind a cricket ball with a bat. However, Kenty continued to score runs and eventually retired having passed 30. This brought Emoji Lucas to the crease and, having taken a guard of middle stump, promptly stood about a foot outside leg giving the bowler all 3 stumps to aim for. Needless to say, a few balls later, Emoji was walking back to the pavilion to be replaced by newbie,  Holland.

After a few words of encouragement from Buxom to just enjoy it, keep it simple and don’t get out, the 2 batsmen went about their business. Unfortunately, their business was to not score any runs and we went from a score of 68-2 in the 10^th over to 77-3 in the 12^th, then 79-4 in the 14^th over. You see fewer dots in a Morse code transcript than in the scorebook over those overs. Eventually, Buxom holed out finally having connected with one going for broke and this brought Mr Nitsch to the wicket and the score started to increase again. Ably supported by Holland, Mr Nitsch started hitting boundaries, something not seen, it felt like anyway, since Methuselah was a lad! Holland was caught off the bowling of Brigham (who’d also dispensed with Buckley) and Nitsch was then supported by Mr McGuinness, who replaced Holland. Mr Nitsch eventually went for 17 having been bowled by Brigham and the last wicket was McGuinness who was run out by a country mile. Trigger-Finger had pitched in with a couple of singles. Mallards finished on 106 having been on 68 after 10 overs. Was only scoring 38 runs in the last 10 over going to come back to haunt them?

Mallards opened their bowling with Trigger-Finger Cleaver and Mr Watson and both were into their rhythm quickly against the Architects’ opening batsmen of Warman(?) and Loach.  Warman(?) was first to go in Watson’s first over, clean-bowled by an impressive delivery. This brought Spurs to the wicket and having only scored 2, he was clean bowled by TF Cleaver. 2 wickets in the first 3 overs and the score was 23!

Ashley came to the wicket for Architects and, after a boundary and a single, was sent packing by Watson, clean-bowling yet another batsman. In the meantime, opener Loach was slowly progressing and building up a decent score as a good partnership with Brigham developed. After TF Cleaver and Watson had finished their spells with figures of 4-0-23-1 and 4-0-20-2 respectively, McGuinness and Cox came on to replace them.

Some fast and aggressive bowling from Skip Cox was rewarded when he (rather loudly) found the edge of the batsman’s bat and it was finely caught by Kenty behind the stumps. Everyone went up (including Davy Heslop who was several miles away collecting his Indian takeaway by now) in celebration but the batsman didn’t move and the umpire said he didn’t hear anything. The look of disbelief on everyone’s faces was justified but we carried on, determined to overcome this obvious miscarriage of justice. Eventually, Skip Cox got his reward when he clean-bowled Loach for 22 (although, for some reason, the scorebook has it down as Hall, even though he didn’t bowl!). McGuinness also removed Brigham by clean-bowling him for 19.

At the end of the 12^th over, the dismissed Architects batsmen had only scored 56 runs between them. Was the chance of a Mallards win still on the cards? Unfortunately, our conceded total of extras was rather high in wides and byes (despite a fantastic display behind the stumps by Kenty) which made Architects’ score much closer than it could have been. Mussett replaced McGuiness and got a couple of wickets by clean-bowling both M Robinson and Harkin for 7 and 0 respectively. During Mussett’s bowling, Skip Cox attempted a catch on the run which ended up in him landing on his bowling hand so McGuiness was brought back to replace him at the Pavilion end. Despite some great bowling (all wickets were clean-bowled), good fielding and a great collective team effort, Mallards’ score was just too low and D Robinson along with Harrison brought Architects home to win the game by scoring the clinching runs in their 18^th over.

So yes, scoring only 38 runs in our second 10 overs did cost Mallards the game. We were close though. Blooming close.

There would have been more figures given for the Architects innings but they hadn’t filled in the book properly (again)!

There was a decent turn-out at the pub from both teams after the game was nice to see although, for some reason, the opposition couldn’t have sat further away from us if they’d tried. Learning that Mr Nitsch is a fan of Shaun Mendes and enjoys going to his concerts (along with the concerts of several gay icons) was a revelation to discover! Worth the trip to the pub on its own! However, the evening was a perfect summation of what playing for Mallards is all about – playing for the love of the game, good camaraderie and socialising afterwards with good craic. Long may it continue.

Being so early in the season, the annual MCC dinner and the lure of the coveted awards must still be fresh in everyone’s minds – catches are being held, match reports have been getting churned out in record time, and Tony Cleaver jumped at the chance to put in a strong bid for the friendly fire trophy. Regular readers will know this particular (award-winning) correspondent likes to take the odd pot-shot at TC, and it always proves popular so I thought I’d get it in way early. That’s ok, there’s no way Gareth will pick him for a while after last week, he’s kind of spiteful like that, so I can make those sort of jokes in safety.

However this is being the Mallards,  there was much midweek team shuffling. So when Captain Butcher turned up proudly wielding the new team kit, he was forced not only to welcome our new antagonist back into the fold, but had to hand him a brand new shirt into the bargain.

Anyhoo, that’s enough forced preamble – I usually like some sort of theme when I write reports, but I’ve been struggling this time (I’ll just call it ropey early-season form and move on) so am writing any old bollocks to get the word count up.

Let’s hope things get better from here.

Facing off against what I’m fairly sure is a new opponent in the mysteriously named USCC, MCC were to bat first [Error: toss result not found] with a strong and stable looking lineup. Kent (welcome back, mate) and Musset started with confidence, getting through to 15/0 after 3 overs before Kent was bowled for 2 by a shoelace-bothering half-tracker.

McCaffery, promoted to first drop to “Give it the Heeeet” (whatever that means) kept the good work going, and with Musset peppered the boundary to the tune of 46/1 off 7.

At this point, Stig was heard to make predictions about record scores, with the opposition in ear-shot and everything.

In the 8th over, Musset deposited the ball onto the pavilion roof and retired on 35. Cox, with Stig’s words still ringing around the ground was bowled for a duck, bringing Wood in to really put the anchors on the scoring rate (that’s 3 off 16 balls for you, Trev)  “Young” Colin was still in charge, but soon reached 31 and retired. 82/2 off 12, what could possibly go wrong.  (Note from webmaster to mathematically-challenged reporter –  “putting the anchors on” yet maintaining the scoring rate at just below 7 an over?).

I’m not going to make cheap cliches out of the 13th over being unlucky, but a hat-trick is rather a conspicuous event, and kind of hard to sweep under the rug. Wood, Butcher and Browne were on the receiving end of that particular one, all bowled by Gaurav. Special mention to Browne for having an almighty heave at the hat-trick ball, it would have looked so good if he’d nailed that one for 6.

There was now a bit of a pause in proceedings as we tried to find some more batsmen to go in. This actually seemed to settle things down as Beacock (17*) and Thompson (8*) saw out the rest of the overs comfortably, including 10 runs off the 19th. Stig’s mid-innings prediction of 140, maybe even 150 was a bit off as we finished on 114/5. Thanks mate, can we count this as a Friendly Fire nomination?

Nevertheless, 114 is still very defendable, particularly with the pitch doing a bit and the sun dropping into the blinding zone.

Cleaver (2 for 20 off 4) took the new ball and struck in the first over, as the skipper took a tumbling catch to remove opener Rizuan for 0. TC took the next wicket too in the 5th, bowling Ankush for 9. Browne (1 for 18 off 3) joined the action in the next over as Thompson was calm under a high catch at mid off. 32/3 off six, we’re into their middle order and there’s a confident feeling around the field.

Watson (0 for 40 off 4) came on at the Eastern end and came in for some special treatment from Harry and Raheel, the latter showing some imaginative footwork to unsettle the bowler’s rhythm. Cox (2 for 14 off 4) came on at the other end, still smarting from his failure with the bat and found satisfaction as he dismissed both set batsmen, clean bowled.

Remarkably, given the way the match was panning out, both teams were on 83/5 after 13 overs. If we could only chisel out another couple of wickets we might find ourselves right on top again.

No chance. Lady Luck was still twisting the knife into Stig’s very own “We’re going to make ’em grovel” moment and new bowlers Musset and Thompson didn’t really stand a chance against those dark forces. Neither was able to find a way through and USCC got home in the 18th over, 118/5. Musset finished with 0 for 11 off 1.5 and Thompson 0 for 6 off 1.

Ah well, the new kit looked good and it was finally warm enough to sit outside at the Welly so it wasn’t a total write-off. Bring on next week and the start of double-header season!

With the nights growing warmer and longer, a team of wild Mallards migrated south to temporarily nest in the heart of Durham at the Maiden Castle ground. The lush field seemed endless and after a damp morning, the possibility of a high boundary game looked far from likely.

Harry and Taylor were the first to wade to the wicket, the former looking to impress on his debut and the latter looking to impress on his birthday. Harry, who like Prince or Cher appears to be mononymous, elected to face the first ball from Bothroyd which yielded a pair of two’s and 4 dot balls, a solid start for a debut Mallard. The second over meant it was the birthday boy’s time to shine, with a familiar face doing the bowling (Judas Cleaver) surely the stage was set for a fine batting display. Sadly, the memo mustn’t have been received  as Cleaver, in fine recent form, bowled 5 dot balls before having Taylor caught behind –  a wicket-maiden first over.

McCaffery joined Harry and the second over followed a similar pattern, Harry pounced on anything the accurate fast bowler let slightly astray added 2 runs with the first ball and 3 with the final ball, which was the first confirmation of the massive boundaries as the shot looked all day like a 4.  Unfortunately, Cleaver, now in confident mood, then managed to repeat his first over trick with another wicket-maiden his third ball seeing Harry caught in the deep.  Buckley saw out the rest of the over but  after 4 overs, the mallards had just 9 runs and had lost 2 wickets. Things looked ominous.

After another maiden over from new bowler Metcalf, McCaffery and Buckley started to build a fine-looking partnership, the former loving to run at a second’s notice and the latter begrudgingly obliging. McCaffery had the gall to start swinging at Cleaver’s deliveries and the runs began to come. The first boundaries came in the 10^th over as Buckley whacked Anjil for 4 twice in a row.  The Mallards now sat on 37-2 from 10, still well below par. Buckley, however, was beginning to accelerate and the runs began to flow more quickly before he retired in the 13^th over for 31. McCaffery quickly followed, in less desirable circumstances, after being caught from Anjil for 19 leaving the Mallards on 67 from 14 and plenty of time to start slogging.

Wood and Butcher entered the fray but the latter soon saw his stumps demolished. Butcher began to walk, fate seemingly sealed, before eagle-eyed Umpire Taylor quickly stomped his authority to declare a no ball. With a mop of the brow Butcher was back in business. The need for runs meant risks were now being taken with some quick singles and Butcher finally met his end for real, run out for 7 in the 17^th over.  Browne, promoted to try and increase the run rate, came in next. First ball faced made him look like a proper batsman with a straight drive over the bowler’s head, however 2 runs were reduced to 1 as the ever-fair umpire Taylor had spotted a running infraction.  Sadly Browne repeated the same shot three more times without connecting and was stumped at the fourth attempt. Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Beacock now joined the ever-present Wood to finish the innings off. With both prepared to run for everything, a flurry of singles peppered with smattering of near misses saw them take the score to 99-5 from the 20 overs, Beacock finishing with 6 and Wood an unbeaten 15.

Mallards swooped onto the pitch in the knowledge that either a superb defensive display, or bowling Durham out would be the only chance of victory. Browne, opening the bowling, started with the latter in mind. The first chance the batsman had to swing, he did and Butcher took full advantage with a fine catch. Opening batsman Wastell out for a duck.

Watson at the other end was also delivering devilish balls, his pirouetting run-up clearly confusing the new batsman, Smith, who attempted a suicidal run to Buckley. Buckley’s response was swift and deadly, a one-handed pick-up and direct hit to run the new man out by a distance. Two overs gone, two batsmen out.

Durham, however, began to settle and by  the 7^th over had reached 24 for 2. Browne, in his final over, made one last big effort and it paid off, a lightning ball edged and snapped up by Beacock, sharp as ever. Browne finished his spell with an excellent 2-11 from four overs while Watson ended with a parsimonious 0-21. Both fine numbers and if the following bowlers could continue this, the Mallards would just about make it.

The second debutant of the day Gilloway took the next over with Thompson bowling from the other end. Gilloway, from Lancashire, had regaled the Mallards with tales of his youthful bowling prowess however, sheepishly confessed he hasn’t held a ball for close to 8 years. Both bowlers appeared to start out steadily however batsmen Powell and Rout had definitely begun to feel more comfortable. Any ball that was slightly short or off line was punished harshly. As the overs ticked by, Gilloway’s previous experience started to shine through though and on another day he could have picked up a couple of wickets. A snick again swept up by Beacock was deemed to be from a pad strap, appeals for a slow-motion replayed denied by a lack of such technology.

Gilloway was now well into his stride and his third over gave away just 2 runs. Thompson was replaced by Wood in an attempt to give new batsman Gillespie (Powell having just retired for 31 from a flurry of boundaries) something new to think about.  Gilloway took his final over well and ended up with a respectable 0-25 from his four.  With Wood holding them off at one end, Thompson was given another shot at the other for the 16^th over. By this point, however, Durham had hit 93 and a small miracle was needed. Despite a much better over, giving away 3 runs, the damage looked done. The Mallards closed in and Wood stepped up again looking for a maiden. Three great deliveries to new batsman Boothroyd (Gillespie having also romped to 30) looked promising, however off the fourth the batsman took a wild swing and that was it, 4 runs, Durham finishing on 101-3 to win by 7 wickets. Wood bowled 3 overs for 15 and Thompson the same for 22.

All that separated the teams in the end was 14 balls, and Mallards being Mallards, it was taken in good stride. There is always a beer after and there is always another game.

Hold on a minute though… if Cleaver had put on a different shirt that morning, would the scores have been reversed? I think we all know the answer to that. We’re all expecting a fine performance next time Cleaver puts on a Mallards shirt, though having bowled out the head of the selection committee on his birthday that may not be for a long time.

The laws of gravity have entertained and constrained mankind’s endeavours ever since cavemen hurled rocks at woolly mammoths. Sir Isaac ‘Beefy’ Newton characterised these laws as the mutual attraction between two globes in space; Alfred ‘Nobby’ Einstein formulated them in his general theory of relativity and Stig ‘Norwich’ Butcher struggles against them every time he gets out of bed. No better entertainment can be had, however, than to watch assorted members of the Mallards pivot about the greensward in their attempt to dispute gravity and dispatch cricket balls to all parts.

And so the game began. It started well: blue skies, bright sunshine and the pitch at Tynemouth inviting to behold – dry, verdant, with boundaries framed by assorted shrubbery (of which more later).

King’s Old Boys sportingly opened the bowling with some generous pie-chucking to which Stig duly applied himself – putting more beef into his batting than in Delia Smith’s hamburgers.  A brace of fours were retrieved from the shrubbery.

Going for the same recipe eventually brought his downfall, however. Stig picked out one of the few fielders who could catch. So the bustling McCaffrey joined the fray and he and Wood continued the bright start, each dishing up boundaries seemingly at will.

A change of bowling was called for. It was then that Captain Stig understood the opening request from King’s that we play 16 overs with a maximum of 5 per bowlers. What? This is not the way the Mallards do things. Evidently our opponents lacked quality in depth but possessed a couple of ringers. Well quality in depth is the hallmark of a Mallards team (well, quality of beer appreciation) but the only ringers are on our pensioners’ trikes. We held out for 18 overs and resolutely stuck to our principles of everyone getting a bat or bowl – 4 overs max for us.

McCaffrey perished first ball from incomer Black, and this despite early warnings from his partner at the non-striking end. For the next three overs, Black continued to subdue Wood and Gibbons and then the latter perished lbw going for a big swipe off Willet. The free flowing run-getting had stalled. Lucas came in and stuttered at first until Black finished his five overs then the pie chucking resumed and the Mallards returned to swinging the willow. Wood was caught for 11 trying to up the run chase and was replaced by Beakers who, together with Lucas who top scored with 20, saw the 18 overs out for a total of 76 for 4. Not the easiest score to defend.

Time for the Mallards to field. It started well, again. Cleaver and Browne bowled tightly, the ball was swinging and they got a wicket apiece: Singh playing-on and his replacement, Devlin, being caught. Lucas, meanwhile, distinguished himself at point, by stopping every ball that came his way. (Wood was not quite so distinguished – grabbing handfuls of turf rather than picking up the ball…) King’s were in trouble at this stage. Until, that is the penultimate ball from Cleaver which Malik hooped up into the air and into the brambles for a six. This drew blood from Cleaver whose arm was shredded in retrieving the ball and who would have gladly drawn blood from any further batsmen, had he been given a fifth over like the opposition. But that is not the way the Mallards do things.

Thus Watson and Thompson joined the attack. This is the way we play. Variety was the keynote of their assault: a number of wides occurred in the first over of each, but none wider than the Tyne estuary and Thompson was all the time clearly working on bamboozling his opponent since he clean-bowled the dangerous Malik in his second over. However, Van Zyl and Weston were now at the crease and they set about smiting the cherry. The shrubbery saw much action. Dunhill was added to the Mallards attack but despite removing Weston lbw, the damage was done. King’s reached 76 in the 16^th over and finished with a boundary off the next ball to total 80 and win the game. Oh well…with different rules and King’s giving all their fielders a game the outcome might have been different.

And so to the ‘beer garden’ at The Lodge. Not the prettiest of back yards but gravity saw us all happily seated, the beer flowed, as did the lively conversation. That is the way the Mallards do things.

Mallards midweek magic against Benwell & Walbottle had given the side their first victory of the campaign and a degree of optimism going into the fourth game of the season, a home tie at Riding Mill against Excelsior Batters.

Little had separated the sides over the past two seasons, both sides winning twice in the four games contested. Mallards were hoping to overturn a couple of early season defeats into a two game winning hot streak, something not achieved since those long and hazy summer nights of 2014.

The toss fell favourably into the hands of Captain Cox who elected to bat. Wisbach accompanied Cox as they took positions at their respective creases. Thompson stepped in to field for the visitors and ‘two tone’ Gareth Taylor took his place as umpire fresh and full of tales from his trip to the school of umpiring. Thankfully the opposition did consist of some bowlers to get the balls rolling.

Against some tough openers, it was time for Wisbach to batten down the hatches and he clearly thought it best to try and see out the entire innings. A single off his first 16 deliveries was a welcome return. Cox’s dirty work at the other end helped to gain those less than essential runs. Taylor keeping a close eye on the total, 15 after 5 overs.

Wisbach’s Boycottian style of dot balls, only ever so slightly risky singles and disregard for run rate, frustrated the bowlers and helped to boost enthusiasm from the sidelines. His defiance was eventually undone by a delivery from Ahmed, going for a grand total of 9. Mallards were 40 for 1 in the 10th over.

Wood eased into things with a cheeky four. His trademark leg sided glances along with some snap decision making helped to boost the run rate. Meanwhile there was a welcome token visit from Peter Nitsch, his pooch and other village people looking for a slice of the action at a packed out Riding Mill. A flurry of singles and boundaries saw Cox retire for 30 not out (including 5 boundaries in total), allowing Gibbons to take to the field. A quiet start consisting of knicks and helmet malfunctioning soon blossomed into criminal damage. A pie chucked down the leg side was despatched for 6 into the car park and onto a land rover bonnet.

Wood’s twinkle toes and agility between the wicket was working wonders until Riding Mill’s ever present microclimate seemed to be his downfall. A sneaky second looked comfortable.  A fielder threw in close to the wickets and a sudden gust of wind seemed to knock off a bail. Dunhill’s eagle eye assured us all the ball had indeed knocked off the bail. He performed his duties and Wood was given out for 26. Bateman took his place at the crease. Taylor’s decisive not out call from an acute angle behind the stumps for a run out later on would be the highlight of a first innings umpiring masterclass.

Unhappy not to have cracked any windscreens earlier, Gibbons’ second pie in the sky was destined for Bateman’s wheels. Much to his relief it was deflected to safety by the trees.  A stern word at the end of the over deterred Gibbons from further felony and he would retire on 20 not out.

Bateman hit two further boundaries in quick succession, but a direct hit to the goolies seemed to take the wind from his sails. The final over of the innings being less fruitful for our resident Kiwi, but nevertheless capping a fine 13 not out to finish. Mallards had reached a rather splendid 128 for 2 off 20 with 88 runs from the last 10 overs.

A quick Tina turn a round and the Mallards were set up in an aggressive stance on the field. Andy Dunhill opened the bowling from the Tree end. Despite jibes of a four and three from their opener Krishnan, a fine delivery edged through to Beacock was held and elated the field. Yet Gareth Taylor’s digit was nowhere to be seen. Presumably it was in his pocket as he was at square leg. His fellow umpire couldn’t be persuaded by the swoons of the Mallards, writhing with the knowledge a catch does indeed equal a wicket. It was not given though and The Mallards would have to crack on regardless. Beacock, in particular, would have cause for regret. Yet there would be even greater bewilderment from the apparently qualified umpiring that would follow.

At the other end Watson helped to steady the ship with a couple of tight overs. A swinging delivery was nicked but evaded Beacock’s big hands this time. The Excelsior batters were looking lively and matching the 6.45 per over run rate required for victory.  Yet Dunhill help to stem the flow of the batsmen with his last two overs and would finish with figures of 22 for 0 off 4 overs. Very decent.

McGuiness stepped up knowing wickets would be essential. There was to be no doubt for McGuiness’ first – spooned high into the field and caught by Gibbons at long on. But he knew it wasn’t going to be this easy. The Excelsior Batters were piling on the pressure and hoping to teach a lesson outside of the classrooms they normally inhabit.

The Mallards also had to contend with GT’s second innings transformation. From a slick ball counting secretarial vegetarian, his new experiential umpiring wisdom raised him to a Zen like state of connection with Mr Extras.  Together they redefined the concept of a no ball and would no longer abide by the laws of cricket or logic. The corridor of uncertainty became the only safe haven to the bowlers as anything pitched outside of this was given as a wide.  Both no balls and wides would flow like wine. The Mallards were confused but happy enough that Taylor looked tranquil signalling at a level of higher consciousness throughout the second innings.

Despite this, Bateman took over from the ever reliable ‘Doctor’ Watson (0 -14 off 4) and bowled Bodley early doors for 9, the Batters now requiring 80 odd from the 10 overs remaining.

McGuiness found his mojo in his decisive third over, taking out Birell and Jobling with a couple of peaches. The Mallards were cooking on gas. Oodles of dot balls from Bateman and the wicket of Mr Spencer would help to quash the Excelsior charge. Bateman would finish with a remarkable of 3 for 2 off four overs.

Alex ‘Jeffro’ Thompson’s deceptive ‘you think it’s a wide then it’s a wicket’ approach almost paid off when another edge through to Beacock was dropped. He was then agonisingly close to catching a second edge through from Thompson- it would seem the slippery mitts were letting down the normally safest of hands – forcing him to wear the gimp mask as punishment (see above) seemed a trifle harsh. Thompson would finish with 0 for 26 off 4, but deserved better, though Moran’s eager fielding had undoubtedly helped to curb the running total.

In his final over, McGuiness added another lamb to the slaughter with his fourth wicket, Tiffin the sacrifice. Again clean bowled, again McGuiness. Again the temperature rising.  He finished with 4 for 24 off 4. Bateman burnt down the house with his final wicket, finishing off Excelsior for 102 for 6 off 20. Mallards registering a second successive victory by 26 runs. Friday Night fever was upon us.

Excelsior, gracious in defeat, chipped in for the pitch costs and whipped out a bin bag full of a range of sandwiches. Corned beef, ham and tomato and cheese and onion were all there to choose from.

Post match boozing at the Welly helped to cool things down and the chat consisted of which sandals and factor suncream to pack in the bags for a trip to the beach on Tuesday. The Mallards would face Kings School Old Boys at Priors Park in Tynemouth.

Two seasons ago the Mallards played in freezing conditions at Walbottle Campus, fielding as the hailstones rattled around the outfield. Having endured similar conditions at home to Nitsch’s Black Book XI just last week there were some suggestions that the team should change its name, with the Arctic Monkeys topping the poll.

Fortunately, as the teams gathered at Walbottle last night it was clear that the weather gods had decided to give them a break this week – there was even a sighting of a strange yellow ball in the sky which drew much comment and the occasional silent prayer of allegiance. Plans to sacrifice a lamb from a nearby field were only halted by the intervention of a large, rosy-cheeked farmer – no, wait, that was captain Butcher turning up slightly late, citing some arcane notion of work commitments. In his absence a hastily arranged committee had nominated Fixtures Secretary McGuinness as the most senior man present and he duly won the toss and elected to bat.

Nitsch (he of the Black Book) and returning legend Musset opened the batting and the latter underlined his youthful promise with two firmly driven fours in the first over. Sadly his senior partner could not match such endeavour – or cope with the very low bounce – and quickly succumbed to the sharpish Henton, clean bowled for 2.  Skipper Butcher (perhaps with work commitments still distracting him) succumbed in identical fashion shortly after for a solid 0.

Wood joined young Musset and things settled down as the former leant on his bat and watched his partner carve the ball around beautifully before being forcibly retired on 33 not out in the eight over with the score on 42-2. Buckley joined Wood and the score continued to mount despite both batsmen having some difficulty with the Taylor-esque bowling of Draper whose rag-bag collection of SGW caused much frustration, Buckley eventually holing out to a fine catch at a long leg for 7 with the score on 62-3 in the 11^th over. McCaffrey joined Wood and the pair stepped up the scoring before Wood finally succumbed to the devilish Draper, playing on for 17 as Mallards reached a solid base of 77-4 in the 13^th over.

Beacock joined MCaffrey but didn’t last long, bowled by Bateman for 3, which brought McGuinness to the crease. No doubt inspired by his brief cameo as captain, the latter blazed away from the off, finding the enormous leg-side boundary to get off the mark as McCaffrey dropped anchor at the other end. The pair added 24 in the next four overs before McCaffrey was bowled for 10 by the home side’s new youth prospect Dunhill. McGuinness was next to fall victim to the home-grown assassin, bowled for a rapid 21.

Dunhill then cemented his early bid for the Friendly Fire trophy by removing Watson in similar fashion for 2 as Mallards ended their 20 overs on a respectable 114-8, Thompson and Haylock both unbeaten on 1 apiece.

Mallards took to the field in chirpy mood, the usual ageing crew perhaps spurred by the youthful exuberance of Musset and Thompson. Such wild optimism reaped early reward when McGuinness, still revelling in praise of his batting, took a very sharp catch off his own bowling to dismiss the clearly gobsmacked Henton for 1.  Not standing on ceremony he followed this up in his second over, clean bowling Singh for 4 to reduce B and W to 18-2 from 4 overs.  But he wasn’t finished there. In his third over he lured youngster Abbas out of his crease and saw keeper Beacock sharply throw down the stumps from some distance back for a third wicket.

Watson, who had bowled very well at the other end for little reward then joined the party in his final over, producing a beauty to clean bowl new batsman Robbie for a duck. As the opening bowlers finished their spells, Mallards were starting to feel a sense of optimism having reduced the home side to 25-4 in 7 overs, Watson finishing with 1-16 and McGuinness an excellent 3-8.

New bowlers Musset and Haylock temporarily deflated that optimism, leaking 21 runs from the next two overs. However, both bowlers reacted well, changing their approach from then on: Musset reverted to spin from medium fast and Haylock stopped bowling pies. The brakes were firmly applied with just seven runs from the next five overs, the bowlers ably supported by the sharpest fielding performance in some time with many fine stops and returns pinning the batsmen down.

Musset finished his three-over spell for just five runs as an inspired bowling change from skipper Butcher saw Thompson take a wicket in his first over (his maiden wicket for Mallards!) bowling Banman for 0 to reduce the home team to 53-5 from 14 overs, needing 62 from the last six for victory.

Haylock then finished his spell, a fine 0-18 from four overs, his figures slightly marred by a six from his last ball from new batsman Hassan, who had replaced the retired opener Bell. Hassan now looked the only danger to Mallards victory hopes as he repeated the stroke from new bowler Nitsch clearing skipper Butcher by inches on the midwicket boundary.

Mallards were in no mood to let him deny them a first victory of the season though and Thompson and Nitsch maintained a solid off-stump line, backed up by more fine outfielding to keep the home team in their place, Hassan eventually being bowled by Thompson for 17, the bowler finishing with 2-19 from his four overs. Nitsch (0-8) finished the job, conceding just two singles from the final over as the away side ended their reply on 90-6, a Mallards victory by 24 runs.