Laurence Standring

Age: 22? As in Catch 22, which is about 22 more than he’s caught so far.

Specialism: Thought he was a bowler but might also be a batsman. Which is generally considered to be showing off if you’re a Mallard. Give it another month and we’ll train him out of that.

Profile: Can get a bit cross. Could be because he clearly doesn’t eat enough in comparison to his more rotund team-mates . Might have to get Tom Browne to bring an extra pre-match pasty for him.

Favourite colour: Red (rag to a bull)

Nickname: Mr Hangry