Category Archives: Player Profiles

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Ali Wilson

Age: Imagine a baby-faced assassin. That’s how old he is

Specialism: The boy can catch flies. Hands like buckets. He loves catching things so much he even caught his head once (see above).

Profile:  Ali is living proof of the triumph of Nurture over Nature as anyone who has seen his dad play will testify. Ali is a brilliant fielder, a promising batsman and we are eagerly awaiting him getting a chance to turn his arm over next season. None of these things apply to his old man.

Favourite colour: Green (Due to his novice status in the team. At his current rate of progress up the team’s form ratings we may soon have to change this to Gold)

Nickname: Butterfingers (Those who believe that irony is dead have never read the Mallards website)

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Hamid Malik

Age: With that much hair he can’t be any older than 30

Specialism: We haven’t yet found anything he can’t do well. He’s like the Denis Waterman of Mallards. If we ever need a theme tune he’d probably write it and sing it.

Profile: Used to be the quiet man of the team but since the recruitment of his partner-in-crime Ankush we’ve discovered that he’s actually quite a chatterbox. So much so that he recently became the umpteenth captain of Mallards this season. Rain saved us that day so if he never does it again Hamid can claim to be the only unbeaten captain in the club’s history.

Favourite colour: Green

Nickname: Those movie star looks mean it has to be Bollywood

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Simon Holland

Age: Don’t be fooled by the cherubic face, he’s way older than that

Specialism: Somewhere in there is a good something-or-other.  Whether it’s a batsman, bowler or tidy all-rounder we’re not sure. The experiment goes on.

Profile: Having sired two very competent cricketing sons, Si realised that if either or both were ever to achieve England test status, it was time to step in as a role model and give them that final spur. Hard work in the nets, as one of the few regular attendees in the last couple of seasons has paid off handsomely and he now only gets bowled by them every third ball.

Favourite colour: With that surname it has to be Orange

Nickname: Si-Ko (Killer)

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Ian Stone

Age: His first schoolboy crush was Gracie Fields and he can remember queuing round the block for his ha’penny Saturday Matinee ticket just to see her latest release.

Specialism: Giving wicket-keepers diving practice with his left-arm swing-bowling which starts on middle, swings to leg and keeps on going. And going. And going. He can also recall the “good old days” with astounding clarity.

Profile: Far and away the longest serving and still active member of Mallards, the only remaining founding father and an ex-team captain to boot. After 40 years he has finally remodelled his 15-pace, almost stop, shuffle, two more paces bowling action by deleting the first bit. Nowadays he divides his time between the north-east of England and Montreal, the latter enabling him to develop his ice-cricket skills, where his left-arm swing bowling starts on middle, swings to leg and keeps… (see above for further details).

Favourite colour: Maple Leaf Red

Nickname: The Flashing Blade (though following a police caution he would now prefer to be known as just ‘The Blade)

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Liaquat Latif

Age:  We would like to be precise but our resident legal eagle has an injunction in place preventing disclosure of the actual number.  Suffice to say he is fairly close to raising his bat in triumph.

Specialism: Variety. Liaquat can produce six completely different balls in one over, all from different run-ups and at different speeds. His batting style can best be described as ‘busy.’

Profile: Initially brought in to offer legal advice to Mallards in a dispute over attempts to deport the club despot to Afghanistan (which, unfortunately, he managed to prevent), Liaquat forced his way into the squad by providing some top-class Samosas at the annual barbeque. He has proved a fine addition but has still to learn that shouting ‘Objection’ at the Umpires’ decisions is unlikely to earn favour.

Favourite Colour:  The law is famously colourblind (lol!)

Nickname: Lee – nobody in the team has ever even attempted to pronounce ‘Liaquat’

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Alex Thompson

Age:  Just look at his hair. Several team-mates have approached him quietly to discuss possible hair transplants.

Specialism: Alex is a highly-promising bowler who has already got in amongst the wickets.  Likes to give the umpires a regular chance to practice their wide signal but this is probably down to his vegetarianism. Once he’s got a few burgers down him he’ll be fine.

Profile: A former skateboarding champ, Alex likes nothing more than a shifty tweak, a technique which he hopes to introduce to his bowling.  Although he strongly denies it,  it is believed he was the subject of the classic Avril Lavigne song Skater Boy, which contained the classic lyric ‘He was a Skater Boy, she said ‘see you later boy.’ Now that’s what I call proper poetry.

Favourite Colour:  Cabbage Green

Nickname:  Jeffro.  (Astonishingly he combines his love of Avril Lavigne with an equal affection for cult 70s band Jethro Tull  – a love he shares with the musically-challenged club despot Gareth Taylor)

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Ellie Moran

Age: A gentleman would never ask. Let’s just say she’s way younger than Tony Cleaver and leave it at that.

Specialism: The natural all-round skills of a  rhythmic gymnast, Ellie is a sharp fielder who is shaping up into a useful middle order batsperson. We are also too gentlemanly to mention her bowling.

Profile:  Ellie is believed to be the first official female Mallard. Her presence in the team has confused some of our older members who clearly still half expect her to make the teas at the change of innings. Ellie is a huge Selena Gomez fan but claims this is not because she ‘can’t keep her hands to herself’.  (Mallards website; keeping it real)

Favourite Colour:  White with a hint of grey (see pic). Definitely not pink (the un-named team member who suggested this has been sent for equality training)

Nickname:  Smelanor. The story behind this cannot be published for legal reasons
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Patrick Gibbons

Age:  So young that you could still get away with calling him Patch

Specialism: A genuine all-rounder whose athletic fielding and see-ball, hit-ball batting technique has already caught the eye.  His batting prowess has meant that he has been somewhat underbowled but he’s not the only one! (Editor’s note to Webmaster: Please keep your whingey personal concerns to yourself)

Profile: A Spanish-speaking son of Yorkshire, Patrick refuses to wear a helmet, or even a Mallards cap in tribute to his home town of Ilkley.  All together now…”At Riding Mill bar t’at… Howzat!”

Favourite Colour:  Pie  

 Nickname:  Patch obviously

Rhys Bateman

Age: Just a pup (by our terms)

Specialisms:  Tight bowling. Speaking with a funny accent.  Might be a pinch-hitter but hasn’t yet survived long enough for us to find out.

Profile: Not much is known about the second Kiwi to don the Mallards colours but the early showings mark him out as a polished performer. (Kiwi – polish – try and keep up!)  Took a wicket with his first ball, which was nice.  Can also catch. Expect him to move on soon.

Favourite colour: All Black

Nickname: The other one


Rob Wilson

Age:  Says that ‘age is just a number.’ In his case it’s quite a large number.

Specialism: After several seasons we’re still not sure but he’s just taken some bowling coaching and has begun waving his arms around in the field to try and catch the new skipper’s eye so watch this space.

Profile:  One of many actual real life professors to have ‘graced’ the Mallards over the years but the only one who is able to explain what he does in simple terms as you can see in this video. Well, when I say simple… nice hair though!

Favourite Colour:  Purple (has still not quite recovered from Prince’s sudden death)

Nickname:  Brains