Age: Just look at his hair. Several team-mates have approached him quietly to discuss possible hair transplants.
Specialism: Alex is a highly-promising bowler who has already got in amongst the wickets. Likes to give the umpires a regular chance to practice their wide signal but this is probably down to his vegetarianism. Once he’s got a few burgers down him he’ll be fine.
Profile: A former skateboarding champ, Alex likes nothing more than a shifty tweak, a technique which he hopes to introduce to his bowling. Although he strongly denies it, it is believed he was the subject of the classic Avril Lavigne song Skater Boy, which contained the classic lyric ‘He was a Skater Boy, she said ‘see you later boy.’ Now that’s what I call proper poetry.
Favourite Colour: Cabbage Green
Nickname: Jeffro. (Astonishingly he combines his love of Avril Lavigne with an equal affection for cult 70s band Jethro Tull – a love he shares with the musically-challenged club despot Gareth Taylor)
Age: A gentleman would never ask. Let’s just say she’s way younger than Tony Cleaver and leave it at that.
Specialism: The natural all-round skills of a rhythmic gymnast, Ellie is a sharp fielder who is shaping up into a useful middle order batsperson. We are also too gentlemanly to mention her bowling.
Profile: Ellie is believed to be the first official female Mallard. Her presence in the team has confused some of our older members who clearly still half expect her to make the teas at the change of innings. Ellie is a huge Selena Gomez fan but claims this is not because she ‘can’t keep her hands to herself’. (Mallards website; keeping it real)
Favourite Colour: White with a hint of grey (see pic). Definitely not pink (the un-named team member who suggested this has been sent for equality training)
Nickname: Smelanor. The story behind this cannot be published for legal reasons
Age: So young that you could still get away with calling him Patch
Specialism: A genuine all-rounder whose athletic fielding and see-ball, hit-ball batting technique has already caught the eye. His batting prowess has meant that he has been somewhat underbowled but he’s not the only one! (Editor’s note to Webmaster: Please keep your whingey personal concerns to yourself)
Profile: A Spanish-speaking son of Yorkshire, Patrick refuses to wear a helmet, or even a Mallards cap in tribute to his home town of Ilkley. All together now…”At Riding Mill bar t’at… Howzat!”
Specialisms: Tight bowling. Speaking with a funny accent. Might be a pinch-hitter but hasn’t yet survived long enough for us to find out.
Profile: Not much is known about the second Kiwi to don the Mallards colours but the early showings mark him out as a polished performer. (Kiwi – polish – try and keep up!) Took a wicket with his first ball, which was nice. Can also catch. Expect him to move on soon.
Age: Says that ‘age is just a number.’ In his case it’s quite a large number.
Specialism: After several seasons we’re still not sure but he’s just taken some bowling coaching and has begun waving his arms around in the field to try and catch the new skipper’s eye so watch this space.
Profile: One of many actual real life professors to have ‘graced’ the Mallards over the years but the only one who is able to explain what he does in simple terms as you can see in this video. Well, when I say simple… nice hair though!
Favourite Colour: Purple (has still not quite recovered from Prince’s sudden death)
Age: So young in Mallards’ terms that he has had to grow a beard so that he doesn’t look 12 when surrounded by his ageing team-mates.
Specialism: Prospective all-rounder though the jury is out on the batting side of the equation. A canny fielder but as usual for Mallards has taken most of his catches when ‘guesting’ for the opposition.
Profile: An avid Liverpool fan despite being way too young to have ever seen them win the league, Ian uses his inside knowledge as a sports science technician to concoct performance-enhancing drinks. Strangely he has yet to convince his team-mates to swap their pre-match can of Stella for a Honey Water with Salt.
Favourite Colour: Red
Nickname: Snake Hips (though reports of his uncanny dancing skills are yet to be confirmed)
Specialism: Zen fielding (often drifts to where he thinks he’s needed), and taking a wicket with the first ball of an over (to protect the innocent we will gloss over the other 9 (nine) deliveries in the over)
Profile: A survivor of the Rothbury CC disaster (nothing has ever been proven), such is Rob’s enthusiasm for Mallards he even moved house from Rothbury to Morpeth to be closer to the action. We are hoping that Rob will be the answer to our shortage of hard-hitting middle-order batsmen but some have suggested that if Rob is the answer we may be asking the wrong question.
Age: Clearly not old enough to have learnt how to shave properly
Specialism: Leg spin bowling, scoring the winning runs off the final ball of the game (legend!)
Profile: Another of our Genetically-modified players Stu was lured into the Mallards fold with the promise of several pints of lager by the wily, seductive tones of cricketing agent Craig Scott – if only to ensure that Mr Scott would get the occasional lift. A prolific turner of the ball, when he gets it on target he’s lethal. The emphasis being on the when. No-one, including Stu, is entirely sure how to pronounce his surname.
Favourite Colour: Amber (as in nectar) – he doesn’t give a 4X for anything else
Age: Wants to be an airline pilot when he grows up.
Specialism: Opening bat, baby-sitting (Steve’s children are often cheering him from the side. Well someone’s got to!)
Profile: Steve joined Mallards following a botched DNA splicing experiment. The Genetic modification meant we finally got a decent opener to compliment Glenn Steel, only problem is that they’ve yet to make themselves available for the same game. (Rumours that they are in fact the same person are somewhat supported by Glenn’s obviously fake stick-on moustache).
Specialism: An athletic fielder (in Mallard context) but watch this space, he’s going to be a big-hitting batsman. You read it here first.
Profile: Chris was lured into the team by his near neighbour with the promise of beer, wasabi nuts and trophies. As Meat Loaf once said: ‘Two out of three aint bad’.
Favourite Colour: Green – (have you ever seen him in the same room as his namesake, Caroline Lucas, the recently re-elected MP for Brighton Pavillion? Pavillion! How many clues do you need?)
Nickname: Reckless. (He took Pete Nitsch‘s scratchcard number and won. On his first appearance. And lived to tell the tale.)
