Specialism: It’s um…, no, it’s um…, no not that, maybe it’s…, give me a moment, I’m sure it’ll come to me
Profile: Tony was snatched from the clutches of Ovingham as part of our youth development policy. He’s a staunch follower of the Mallards’ ‘hit out or get out’ policy, particularly the second bit. Has a model dog. (That’s a dog that does some modelling, not a dog that he made from a kit)
Favourite Colour: Golden Duck
Nickname: River (Jordon – try and keep up!) Crossing him can be very dangerous)
Age: Not sure, but when talking of his earlier naval career has been heard to refer to Nelson as a shipmate
Specialisms: Batting (especially the late jab-block special), web-mastering, skippering and preventing Rob Scutt from bowling
Profile: Long time member of Mallards, originally a wicket keeper but forced into the outfield by knee-knack which was for many years alleviated by a bionic brace. Trevor has reinvented himself as a top order batsman – something less charitable Mallards may suggest is still a work in progress. Until recently that suggestion would have drawn suggestions of mutiny but now he has stood down from the captaincy he’s fair game.
Favourite Colour: Navy blue
Nickname: Morse (his innings tend to involve lots of dots and the very occasional dash)
Specialisms: No balls and Wides (unless Andy Dunhill is umpiring)
Profile: Extras has been a mainstay of the Mallards batting line-up since time immemorial. He’s regularly been top scorer this season (six times), played a big part in every game and has, impressively, exceeded 40 three times despite the fact that he’s always named last in the batting line-up
Favourite Colour: White (the nice man in the nice white coat keeps giving him more runs) (unless it’s AD of course)
Age: Has looked a lot older since the arrival of young Freddie Mexter
Specialisms: Fiscal probity. Telescopic fielding.
Profile: Despite his age Leon is a relative newcomer to the Mallards squad having made his debut in 2007. He quickly and cleverly ensured regular selection by becoming club treasurer, however 2013 saw his cricketing career take a forced sabbatical after sustaining the worst on-field injury in the club’s history. His ambition is to sire an entire cricket XI though rather selfishly his wife is said to have reservations about this.
Age: Higher than his batting average which surprisingly for us is pretty high
Specialism: A genuine opening batsman (nobody point out he’s probably in the wrong team!) Hat-trick bowler (dodgy pitch)
Profile: Glenn is one of Mallards most prolific scorers in recent seasons. Funnily enough his batting average has rocketed since Tony (The Axeman) Cleaver retired from umpiring. Recently made joint vice captain though what his particular vice is we haven’t yet worked out.
Favourite Colour: Grey (why else would he dye his hair that colour)
Age: There was a move to nickname him ‘Young Colin’ which in comparison to the other Colin is relatively true but to be frank the years haven’t been kind
Specialisms: Giving it the heeeet, frantic running between the wickets, sustaining injuries and never admitting he’s out
Profile: The Geordie wide boy of the squad, Colin always brings a welcome ray of sunshine to the field with his banter and “creeping menace” style of fielding. His ambition is to get through a season in one piece.
Age: 21 (but as you can see from the above picture that paper round was a terrible ordeal)
Specialisms: Mighty leg-side boundaries combined with randomly pre-meditated quick singles. Bowling at the death. Grass-cutting. Catering.
Profile: One of the mainstays of the team, mainly due to his skills with a lawn mower and roller and his ability to persuade the Wellington pub to lay on free food. Does occasionally play cricket as well. Also acts as an undercover agent for Riding Mill , regularly poaching Mallards stalwarts for the village Sunday team (who may well be the only side in the country with a higher average age than us)
Favourite colour: Shiraz
Nickname: Bouncer (nothing to do with his bowling – just his way of earning extra cash)
Age: Unknown but often regales the younger lads with stories of the trenches and batting alongside W G Grace (or Wor Billy as Nick knew him)
Specialisms: Jack of all trades…
Profile: One of many Mallards veterans, Nick’s appearances have been more sporadic recently since we introduced more modern methods of team selection by using ‘that interweb thing’. Basically things have never been the same since we stopped using a carrier pigeon.
Favourite colour: Black and White (like his favourite TV shows)
Age: Younger than most of the Mallards squad but with similar athleticism
Specialisms: Not keen on singles. Bowling surprisingly quickly off 3 paces
Profile: As a budding entrepreneur Craig is the Alan Sugar of the team with Messrs Beacock and Dunhill taking up the roles of Nick and Margaret. Craig hit a personal high for Mallards on the tour to Mallorca as the best bowler of the 3 match series – perhaps showing that his tolerance for alcohol is higher than most
Favourite Colour: Brass
Nickname: Iceman (Scott… Antarctic… try and keep up!)
Age: Only recently been allowed to wear long trousers
Specialisms: Run-outs, writing match reports
Profile: Alan almost found world-wide fame when his eighties band Boyes Two Men were on the verge of featuring on Radio 1’s roadshow, to be held on the beach at Seaton Sluice, only to be usurped at the last minute by the lesser-talented but similarly named US upstarts Boys II Men. Dismayed by this thwarted brush with stardom Alan locked himself away in his room with only an ancient Olivetti typewriter and his fertile imagination and composed a series of surrealist essays (to which this profile is a humble tribute). These essays are only now being released to an unsuspecting public thinly disguised as cricket match reports. To this day Alan’s back goes into spasm if he happens to hear a fragment of the introduction to End of The World
Favourite colour: Purple (prose)
Nickname: Yes No! Yes! No! – this is what’s known as a running gag
