The French are not known for their interest or prowess at Cricket (except Ritchie Benaud whose ancestry is French). However, Napoleon once said Victory is not winning the battle…but raising every time you fall which is axiomatic if you are a Mallard.

On a cloudy and muggy evening both teams assembled at Gosforth (more or less) and after some brief wrangling about who had the most players MCC went into bat. Davipart were briefly loaned Beacock who for the record made no attempts at the Friendly Fire award, fortunately skipper McCaffrey (pictured) had distracted Dunhill somehow [the editorial team have been trying to decipher this line, after some significant delving, allegedly it involved a copy of Crag Hoppers Monthly and a bottle of Clinique Moisturiser for Men – ed.]. Meanwhile at the crease Captain McCaffrey and Hamid opened the batting facing Thompson and Ship. It was a solid start from the MCC opening pair against some accurate bowling and tight fielding including McCaffrey being dropped on 6.

However, Hamid had begun getting his eye in early lacing a couple of fours from Ship’s first over. Things were slower against the veteran Thompson, and eventually the pressure told with McCaffrey run out for 9 from a fine bit of fielding. In came Lucas champing at the bit for runs but despite some fine looking shots he found it hard get beyond the ring of fielders supporting the Davipart bowlers. Hamid continued to make progress particularly against Ship who was withdrawn from the attack after conceding 10 from his third over. By this time Dillon joined the attack and the tight bowling continued with Hamid bowled after a late innings flurry for 29. With Liam [one of Peter Nitsch’s two black-book ringers sorry potential new recruits for the evening – ed.] caught and bowled Dillon for 2 in the following over MCC were looking wobbly at 53-3 from 11 overs and Wilson joining Lucas at the crease. Soon things were going to look even darker, as Lucas and Wilson managed to get into the mother of all running tangles (or farce as it transpired) with Wilson wandering off seemingly run out for 1 only to be recalled after a long discussion between Umpire Mexter and the Davipart team resulting in a final outcome of Lucas being adjudged to have been run out first for 8.

Davipart had clearly seen Wilson bat before and knew that they were now into the tail. Wilson having been reprieved was joined at the crease by James [also a captive of the little black book– ed.]. Napoleon tells us here – “Never ascribe to malice which is adequately explained by incompetence”. So now for the second incident of the evening featuring umpire Mexter and the Davipart team – James was clean bowled (or was he? – apparently he was according to Wiki-Taylor when consulted by phone later). Mexter had confidently called a no ball. Bowler asked for detail of the transgression. A discussion ensued and although it was agreed that it had not been a no ball the Davipart team in true sporting fashion allowed James to remain. Boney says about this “I would rather have a general who was lucky than one who was good

And so the game was on a knife edge with two batsmen feeling invincible and they began to rack up a series of quick singles punctuated by a lovely boundary from James and a streaky edged four from Wilson to move the scoring rate along rapidly before Wilson rode his luck too far and was caught by the wicketkeeper for 11 with James bowled next for a swift 13. Beacock made a brief 2, bowled trying to move the score along, Browne (5) and Dunhill [heavily moisturised – ed.] (1) saw the Mallards innings close at 91-7, but would it be enough?

Someone once said “a Leader is a dealer in hope”… certainly acting Skipper McCaffrey believed that a Mallards win was possible.

The bowling was opened by Browne who kept it very tight including a maiden in his second over with James also restricting the flow of runs from the other end – Browne finishing with 0-6 with the ring of fielding steel keeping the flow of scoring to a minimum. Here McCaffrey led by example, with Hamid, Lucas and Beacock contributing some great stops also.

However, the Davipart openers were resolute with the first change coming after 5 overs for 25 runs. It looked like it was going to be close with Watson and Mexter warming up to join the fray. McCaffrey, channelling the French Emperor did what his opponent wished him to do least, unleashing Watson who promptly took a wicket with his first ball and then went for two fours in the same over. Mexter at the other end looked steady as he weaved his magic, finishing his spell with final figures of 0-14. It was the final over from Watson that was to signal the beginning of the end of the Davipart resistance, clean bowling two batsman in a whirlwind over which led to one bail ending up halfway to the boundary!

Next change was Dunhill and Liam who continued the strangle with Liam miserly taking 2 wickets and Dunhill taking 3 one bowled and with one caught and bowled and the other a stunning catch from McCaffrey. The fight was at an end with the home team almost at a standstill finishing their innings with 83-9. At least that’s what the scorebook implies although the scorers, including 12th man and Mallard-in-waiting Dr Jonnie Kimmitt, were prematurely working on the principle that “history is a version of the past that people have decided to agree on”.

Napoleon said: “Glory is fleeting and Obscurity is forever”. This was an evening of glory. The obscurity will come later (as it has done on many occasions in the past).

Around 2000 years ago Jesus Howard Christ came into this world through a VERY complicated surrogacy/fostering/adoption programme which no-one fully understands to this day.

Fast forward 2000 years to the present and “Jesus H Christ” is an expression commonly heard on the cricket pitch during Mallards games amongst men who don’t fully understand why they put themselves through it week after week!

Speaking of people who don’t fully understand what they are doing, captain for tonight’s game was Mark “Buxom” Buckley, being groomed (pause for horrific flashback to his school years) for a potential future of more regular captaincy – we’ll see how that goes. At the toss, with Buxom and Ovingham’s vice-captain discussing who had the most players still en-route, Mallards lost the toss and Ovingham decided to bat (based purely on the fact that they had fewer players available at that time). With Mallards still waiting for Messrs Gibbons and Holland, we took to the field with 2 players from Ovingham kindly volunteering to field for us – a big thank you to Ray and Jonah for that.

Opening with Browne from the Sheep Field End, Browne was on it from the start and clean bowled Ovingham’s opener, D Hall, for a duck. This brought Ovingham’s captain (who’d arrived just as the game was about to start) Derrick to the crease. A few balls later he was dropped at slip, when Buckley spilled a sharp chance diving to his right, for nought. Would this prove expensive? We’ll find out shortly. At the end of the over, Jonah and Marley were replaced by Hollands Snr and Jnr, Thomas stepping in to the breach to cover for Gibbons, who’d arrived late and was still getting ready. Opening from the Extremely Tall Trees End was Mr Watson and he only conceded 2 runs from his first over. He also took a wicket with the last ball of the over, R Hall, caught by someone – I can’t tell you who as it’s not registered in the scorebook! (Good to see the skipper was paying attention rather than gazing at the sheep – webmaster) I’m sure that this can be rectified at some point in time. So, after 2 overs, Ovingham were 3-2. Not a bad start at all.

After one over on the field, Holland Jnr made way for the now-ready Gibbons and the official team-sheet line-up was complete. The good start from Mallards continued with a maiden over from Browne (a bye came from it) and Watson only had 10 come from his 2^nd over which did include a 6 from Derrick (that drop by Buckley when Derrick was on nought beginning to look problematic). Browne then had another maiden and then a further 9 runs from Watson’s 3^rd over which did include another 6, this time from 4^th batsmen D Tate. Browne finished off his spell by only conceding 6 runs off his final over ending with figures of 4-2-7-1. Not bad at all. Watson conceded 7 runs of his final over and finished with figures of 4-0-28-1. His bowling was certainly better than the 28 runs that came off his overs. Replacing Browne from the Sheep Field End was Dunhill who, despite conceding a 4 off his first delivery, managed to bowl 5 dot balls for the remainder of his over. Replacing Watson at the Extremely Tall Trees End was Nitsch and, in his first over, despite being tonked for a couple of 4s, he took the wicket of Tate, clean bowled for 22. At the end of the 10^th over, Ovingham were 52 for 4. Halfway through the Ovingham innings, it’s probably about level on points (to use boxing parlance) between the two sides.

Both Dunhill and Nitsch kept it fairly tight in their bowling, with Dunhill especially unlucky not to get a wicket and his finishing figures (4-0-23-0) were, like Watson’s, slightly unfair for what his bowling deserved. Dunhill was the unfortunate victim of a rather huge 6 off his 3^rd over to which the fence at the Sheep Field End was also a rather unfortunate victim after being hit by McCaffery’s crotch who had tried to follow the ball into the field! Nitsch kept his bowling tight and after we’d seen the retirement of Derrick for 31 (so yes, that drop from Buckley when he was on nought did prove expensive) he took the wicket of Marley for 4. Nitsch finished with figures of 4-1-17-2 – great stuff.

To close off the overs, Buckley brought on Latif from the Sheep Field End and Gibbons from the Extremely Tall Trees End for the final four overs. Both put in great effort and both conceded 15 runs from their two overs. Ovingham finished on 111 from their 20 overs thanks to 3 sixes, several dropped catches and 17 extras. However, a great effort from the fielding side and, with the batting line-up for Mallards, a target of 112 was certainly achievable with a required run rate of only 5.6 runs per over (less than a run a ball for those struggling with the mathematics of it all).

Sending out an opening partnership of Kent and McCaffery, the expectations were high and those were certainly met by the openers who scored 8 off the first over from P Hall and then 9 off the first over from Derrick. After 2 overs, Mallards were 17-0 compared to Ovingham’s 3-2. A far better start and also well ahead of the run rate. Hall and Derrick kept it slightly tighter in their second overs, conceding only 3 runs apiece but we were on course for what was needed – no concerns from the boundary rope from either the team or the captain. To be honest, we were so confident that most people were taking Mr Nitsch’s dog for regular walks, such was the belief that we wouldn’t require any batsmen lower than number 5. After 2 overs from the Sheep Field End, P Hall was replaced by Ray Marley and he tightened up the bowling a little by only conceding 4 runs from his first over. It was the same from the other end where R Hall came on to bowl and he only conceded 2 runs from his first over. The run rate was slowing down somewhat and, after striking Marley for 3 fours in his second over, Kent played on and was bowled for 23. This brought Holland to the wicket and he ably supported McCaffery, who was still there. Although the run rate had slowed down somewhat, both batsmen continued to persevere, gradually accumulating runs over the next few overs when, in the 10^th over, McCaffery succumbed to the bowling of R Hall for 22, clean bowled.

Joining Holland at the wicket was Gibbons and he was off the mark immediately by scoring 2. At the end of the 10^th over, Mallards were 56 for 2 and were exactly where they needed to be from a run-rate perspective and with plenty of wickets in hand. Ovingham were 52-4 at the same point. Valiant efforts from both batsmen over the next few overs kept the score ticking along but we slowly started to fall behind the required run rate and then, in the 14^th over during the bowling of M Bowey (brought on to replace Marley at the Sheep Field End [who’d finished with figures of 4-0-21-1]), Holland decided to go for a little walk. Unfortunately, the ball wasn’t dead and he was run out for 13. This brought the skipper to the wicket and he was in no mood to either lose his wicket or lose this game. Mentioning to Gibbons upon arrival at the crease that the run-rate needed to be upped they set about their task and, by the end of over 15, had moved the score on to 85-3, back above the required run rate. Unfortunately, in the next over, Gibbons fell to the bowling of Derrick, clean bowled from the Extremely Tall Trees End.

Nitsch ambled to the wicket and, after instructions from Buckley stating that there’s plenty of space for 1s, 2s and the occasional 4, subsequently went about providing a full-blooded swish at EVERY delivery he received. This resulted in Nitsch pulling his arse and made him even more immobile than normal. It was, however, very amusing! After trying to struggle on for a few deliveries, it was decided that a runner was required for Nitsch. This proved more difficult than it should have done, however, we eventually had Browne volunteering himself for the task in hand [pedantic umpires note, it should have been one of the openers! – ed.].

Whilst keeping Mr Browne informed as to what was required during the overs, the Captain took it upon himself to keep Nitsch off strike and ensure that the runs required were achieved with the minimum of effort and requirement for a runner! Hitting the returning P Hall for 13 off his 3^rd over and the innings’ 18^th over, Buckley and Nitsch/Browne knocked off the remaining 8 runs between them and the game was won – Buckley finishing on 27 not out and Nitsch limping to the end with 3 not out.

Everyone will agree that it was a great game played in the true spirit of Mallardian friendlies – good craic, everyone getting an opportunity and a closely fought outcome.

After the game, everyone retired to the pub for drinks, food and further banter. With a VERY good turn out from both teams plus additional family members/supporters [just as well given the generous portions of chips and sausages that the pub doled out – ed.], it was like the pagan festivities of old – drink, food and socialising. You never know, rather like Jesus H Christ and his followers, maybe we can “borrow” this festival of post-match celebration from the Pagans and repeat it on a regular basis. We won’t, however, use 25^th December as that’s already been stolen, sorry, utilised!

It is with trepidation this newbie (to the Mallards not life!) writes his first match report after perusing some of the iconic reports from the past, some written by playwrights, authors, philosophers and even Emoji fans!

As the match start loomed, with only 7 Mallards being present, Skip Stig’s batting  order had to be hastily re-arranged. Both the Mallards big batting guns of Buckley and Kent were missing being caught up in traffic congestion which could end up causing a jam for the Mallards later!

Mallards opened with McCaffrey and in a rare outing Despot Taylor. McCaffrey got off to a good start managing to hit a four which was no mean feat in a low scoring match due to the size of the boundaries and the condition of the outfield. Taylor was first out bowled by the pacy S Boothroyd for 3. McCaffrey soon followed bowled again by S Boothroyd for a quickfire 12. The Mallards were 17 for 2. Still no sign of the batting Supertwins of Buckley and Kent. The Mallards were in a panic Watto was even padded up! Latif was promoted up the order to join Skip Stig. Both began a steady  accumulation of runs, with nervous looks to see if the real batsmen had arrived (Sorry to all those Stattos but maybe thankfully no end of over score for the Mallard’s innings  can be given as it was not in the  score book).

Eventually the supertwins arrived and Stig confirmed to Latif that they now needed to up the scoring rate. So accordingly Stig in the very next over  played out a maiden, maybe the Skip’s thoughts were trying to impress the ECB for a place in the Test squad which was to be announced later in the day! Latif was eventually caught off the bowler Haman for 18 with the score on 45/3. Stig soon followed after being caught off the bowling of Boothroyd (‘the Junior’) for 12 with the score on  52 for 4 in the 15^th over (approx). Buckley and Kent who are normally used to dealing in boundaries unusually upped the scoring rate in ones and twos. Buckley managing only the second boundary of the innings before being run out for 10 with score on 70 for 5. Kent tried to get as many runs in an almost McCaffrey-esque way as possible  and was eventually run out for 20 with the score being 84 for 6 leaving Wisbach 2 not out and Brown 0 not out at the end of the innings. It left the Mallards on a final  total of 87 which felt about 10 runs short of par which surely would have been more likely achieved with the supertwins opening. The stand out Durham Staff bowlers being the pacy S Boothroyd who ended up with figures of 2 for 10 off 4 overs and the spinner Haman with figures of 1 for 10 off 4 overs.

Durham Staff began their innings with Browne and Watson opening the bowling for the Mallards. Both bowled tightly. Watson got a breakthrough in his first over bowling Wriede for 1 with the score being 5 for 1. Both bowlers had great opening spells. Browne bowling 3 overs, 1 for 11, Watson 3 overs, 1 for 14. The score at the end of the 6 overs was 28 for 1. The match was on for a close finish, Skip Stig then turned to the twin attack of Dunhill and Wisbach. Both bowlers had excellent frugal and probing spells. Dunhill eventually had success bowling Gillespie for 24, in 11^th over with the score on 49 for 2. The ‘Wizard’ of Wisbach was very unlucky from the other end having the opposition bamboozled with his tricky leg spin, and was particularly unlucky when Beacock – having an otherwise great day behind the stumps – dropped a sharp catch off Whitfield’s edge. Dunhill and Wisbach both completed their overs. Dunhill finishing  his 4 overs with 1 for 17 and Wisbach his  4 overs with a miserly 0 for 14. Skip Stig had no option in the last 4 overs to turn to his part time bowlers of himself and Latif. Stig with his marvellous mix of liquorice allsorts (which sometimes even keeps him guessing) managed to bowl Whitfield for a well made 29. The match came down to the wire with 12 needed from the last 12 balls. In the penultimate over bowled by Latif, Chowdhury managed to hit a boundary four which was probably the killer blow and was also only the second boundary of the Durham Staff’s  innings. Metcalfe was then run out for 15  by a great long distance direct hit by Dunhill with the score on 84 for 5. Two runs were needed off Stig’s last over but despite the Skip’s best efforts the Durham Staff won the match with two balls to spare, winning by 6 wickets [somehow the reporter, perhaps in fear of future placement in the starting XI, has neglected to point out that it was our own Despot’s misfielding that saw the final two runs conceded – ed.].

Mallards with a much-improved fielding performance (from the last match) co-ordinated well by Stig and which was epitomised by ‘Terrier’ McCaffery who ran everything down in the field (but thankfully did not want his belly tickled as a reward) and held on to 2 catches. Also a mention of Kent and particular to his ‘Terminator’ arm which was responsible for keeping the runs down on number of occasions. Mallards were ultimately left ruing the earlier traffic jam and the temporary absence of our usual openers, which left us all pondering  “Buckley Buckley where art thou Buckley (and Kent) ?”

Despite the taking part in a close and thrilling match, this newbie’s best memory of the day and what epitomises the spirit of the Mallards Cricket Club came at the end of the day with the team photograph. As the photo was being taken under the setting sun in the Durham skies, the Tribe called Mallards chanted to a man “Cleaver, Cleaver ,Cleaver”. A fitting tribute to the legend Tony Trigger-finger Cleaver. Best wishes Tony get well and hope to see you soon back on the cricket field.

It was a foreboding evening. The clouds had slowly been gathering over the North East and had been inching ever closer towards the coast. Then, with timing as perfect as a Stewart Lee punchline, the rain started to fall before the game started. Would this be the nail in the coffin for the game? Would the fact that a decent percentage of the Mallards team were stuck in the various traffic jams apparently springing up around Newcastle and North Tyneside mean that we’d be happy for the game not to go ahead? Would Brexit turn out to be just a dream instead of the total nightmare it’s so blatantly becoming? Just so many questions and the answers, like catching opportunities during Mallards’ fielding throughout the years, are either just out of grasp or dropped before things are all confirmed!

However, our inspiring captain, Stig, was undeterred and, having left the dressing room (big enough to fit only 4 Mallardian expanding waistlines at a time) to conduct the coin toss with the opposition captain (Fred) came back and informed us that we were batting. The joy was missing from everyone’s faces and, begrudgingly, we started padding up.

As a King’s School Old Boy myself, these games have a little bit more meaning to me than some others. Playing at Prior’s Park takes me back to my school days of running round the grass track, stumbling down the steep slopes to retrieve cricket balls and standing around in the pouring rain on a cold December afternoon. The only thing different this evening was that it wasn’t December!

We opened with Captain Stig and McCaffrey and it seemed like Colin was going to be playing hit and run – no matter where the ball went. Or to whom it went!! After some singles, a boundary from McCaffrey and a few extras the first wicket fell at 15 when Stig played on to his stumps from the bowling of G Moir. When crossing on their respective ways to and from the wicket, Buckley took Stig’s bat and Stig stated that it doesn’t have a middle. After a few dot balls to get his eye in, Buckley decided to show Stig that it did indeed have a middle and tonked the last ball of the over for 4. McCaffrey and Buckley exchanged singles (and a couple of extras) and Buckley even asked the bowler to apologise for the beamer that caused him to take evasive action off one delivery. Unfortunately, it was during this over that McCaffrey lost his wicket when a delivery stayed very low and went under his shot, ending up with a clean bowled for Imran, the bowler. This brought Latif to the wicket, successfully seeing out the over.

By now, Buckley was a tad bored with singles and hit the next 3 balls for 2 fours and a six. Admittedly, he was dropped off the 2^nd four when it went straight through the fielders hands. To be fair, the fielder did stop it going for a six. Lesson learned, Buckley twatted [a technical shot term that apparently Geoffrey Boycott was once heard to use, allegedly – ed.] the next delivery higher and further to ensure it got nowhere near the fielder and land well over the boundary rope. There were a couple of singles of the rest of the over and that was the end of Moir from the bowling.

The first change of bowler brought Absolom on, a young female bowler with a straight, accurate line that proved awkward to get away. So it proved as she opened with a wicket maiden, clean-bowling Latif for 1. This brought Moran to the wicket and she saw out the over safely. Ferris took over from Moir at the Collingwood end and gave Buckley a bouncer that whistled just past his nose. Taking umbrage at this, Buckley thwacked the next delivery right back at the bowler who fended it away with his hands and Buckley/Moran ran 2. Well, at least we thought he’d used his hands. The fact he lay on the ground for some considerable time indicated that the bowler had used his head to deflect the ball away. On the plus side, he saved a certain 4. A rather delicate end to the over by Ferris saw another 2 runs added. Absolom returned for her 2^nd over at the other end and ended up with another wicket maiden – clean bowling Moran for a duck with her first delivery. During her bowling to Ellie, the umpire (I won’t name you Mr Dunhill so your reputation can remain intact) mentioned that this was the first time he’d seen girl on girl action. After Buckley offered to lend him some videos/dvds [surely just bookmarked URL’s nowadays? – ed.], the umpire clarified his remarks in that he’d not seen a female bowler bowling at a female batter during a Mallards game. Different times this, Mr Dunhill. The #MeToo/#TimesUp movements have moved into the realms of midweek friendly cricket! Anyhow, the loss of Moran brought Bateman to the wicket who saw it out with 5 dot balls.

Ferris continued and Buckley/Bateman exchanged a few singles before Bateman finished off the over with a 4. The score increased relatively rapidly (despite Black bowling a maiden over after replacing Absolom following her 2 overs – she’ll be back though) as Bateman opened his shoulders and hit a few boundaries whilst Buckley supported with the occasional single. In Black’s 2^nd over, Buckley cut him away for 4 which brought up his retirement after scoring 31 with Mallards’ score at 75-4. Kent managed a couple of singles and a 2 before holing out to a fielder in the covers off the bowling of Black for only 4, bringing Browne to the wicket. Replacing Ferris, Banzil seemed a tidy enough bowler and, sure enough, took the wicket of Bateman, clean bowling him for a score of 21. Browne and Watson did their utmost to play scoring shots but, frustratingly for all concerned, played and missed when connecting would have brought certain runs. Browne was out for only 2 as he was caught & bowled by Banzil before Watson was eventually put out of his misery, clean bowled by Banzil for 4. The last over was to be bowled by Absolom who, with her first ball, clean bowled Haylock for a duck. This brought Buckley back to the crease who, having played for Mallards before, had kept his pads on to face her bowling. After 15 unblemished deliveries from Absolom, Mallards finally managed to score off her bowling when Buckley got her away for a single before Dunhill followed that up with another single with a shot that deserved a higher return. Another quick 2 from Buckley and Mallards ended up on 93-9, with Buckley not out on 35. Not magnificent but certainly a score that could be defended with accurate bowling, tidy fielding and keeping extras to a minimum! If only we knew some players who could achieve that.

By now, the rain had stopped and the clouds were dispersing over the North Sea bringing some lovely low sunshine to contend with at certain ends of the ground. Mainly the Collingwood end and the Allotment Side.

KSOB opened with Coyne and A Moir. Moir played and missed a lot. So much so, he had Kenty sledging in his ear quite regularly about an edge coming sooner rather than later. However, the scorebook states something different as apparently he would only score in boundaries – with a couple of singles hidden in there. In all honesty, the bowling of both Browne and Watson deserved better than what their figures indicate. A nice, tight opening over from Browne conceded only 4 runs with Kenty (who was donning the gloves in this match for Mallards) constantly interested with the ball not missing either the bat or stumps by much. Watson unluckily had a couple of boundaries off his first over but Moir had played and missed the rest! Both Watson and Browne continued with Watson getting all four overs in and finished with figures of 4-0-32-0. Browne was a bit more economical and finished with figures of 3-0-14-0. Both deserved at least a wicket each as their bowling was rather competitive.

Bateman replaced Browne but, unfortunately, couldn’t seem to find his rhythm or line [parenthood may have something to with this, interpret the earlier half of this sentence as you will – ed.]. With several extras and boundaries in his first over, the score jumped from 41-0 after 6 overs to 57-0 after 7 overs. This coincided with the retirement of A Moir for a score of 32 – consisting of 7 fours! With Watson finishing off his 4 overs Dunhill replaced him and was very economical in his first over with only 3 runs conceded. Haylock came on to replace Bateman who’d been slightly expensive with 2-0-22-0 (a sort of numerically dyslexic binary system) and went for 8 off his first over. Dunhill continued at the Collingwood end and got our first wicket of the evening with the 3^rd delivery of his second over when he clean bowled Peffer for 12. I have to admit that this is the first time that I’ve seen a bowler celebrate loudly BEFORE the ball has hit the stumps! This brought Imran to the crease and he subsequently tonked his first delivery to the boundary for 4 before Dunhill restricted him beautifully for the final 2 balls of the over, not conceding any further runs. However, the damage had been done and after 12 overs, KSOB were on 91-1 with 1 opener retired and the other one about to hit the winning runs from Haylock’s bowling. Which he did with a 2 and a 4 though Haylock did make them work for it as there were 3 dot balls in the over.

So, at the end of the day, a valiant effort but KSOB won out by nine wickets on the evening with better overall batting and better bowling. However, Mallards know where their priorities lie as there was a fabulous turn-out at the Tynemouth Lodge for a post-match beverage (see above).  KSOB had a big fat 0 – their only duck of the night. (For clarity it should be emphasised that the words ‘big’ and ‘fat’ in that last sentence are not meant to be a caption for the above photo)

The Captain looked outside at the bleak, wintry landscape. There was no sign of humanity, even the polar bears had sought shelter. He looked back at his men, huddled together, shivering in the freezing conditions. He pulled on his long-sleeved jumper, muttered a quick prayer and, clutching a single coin in his blue-tinted hand, turned to leave.

‘I may be some time,’ he said. And then he was gone.  Sadly, he lost the toss and we had to field.

The season began, as always, amidst rain showers. The covers were off, then back on again, then off again as the sturdy warriors of Walbottle and Mallards heaved them up the steep hill towards the nets.  Latif, treacherously, hoped for a cancellation – dinner at Sachin’s later that night calling out to him. However, once the weather had settled a little a game of 16 overs was decided, the captains fearing the dark skies to come. Walbottle got off to a rapid start with nine runs coming from Browne’s first over. That was as good as it got for the home side. Dunhill began his spell in style, Malik clutching a catch at the second attempt at mid-off – a good catch but no match for what was to come.

Browne, smarting from his shaky start, steamed in only to see the ball sail over his head, swirling high in the grey skies, a lone fielder giving chase in the distant outfield. The fielding team sighed as they realised the lone fielder was Watson – even Watson sighed. Nonetheless, in true Mallards fashion he didn’t give up, running around in circles like a demented Morris dancer as the ball corkscrewed towards the earth before sticking out a hand and taking a superlative catch, whilst still having time to scream ‘YESSSSS!’ You could see the home team’s heads drop. They dropped even further when Dunhill trapped opener Harrington lbw in his next over to reduce the home side to 17-3 from four overs.  Browne chipped in with a maiden (1-11) and Dunhill finished off his spell with another very tidy over to end with 2-9.

Watson was next to step up, his confidence visibly boosted by his unlikely catch.  And boosted even more when he clean-bowled Cairns with his first ball. In his next over he repeated the trick, this time Robbie was the unfortunate victim.  With Latif bowling tidily from the other end Walbottle looked like a team who’d rather be at home, in front of the fire, roasting chestnuts or something – 31-5 from 10 overs.  Watson almost repeated his first-ball trick in his third over, Wood tipping the ball over the bar in true Schmeichel-esque style but nevertheless finished with the excellent figures of 2-5 from his three overs, Latif ending with 0-9 from his three.

With the score almost stationary – 37-5 from 12 overs – skipper Butcher decided to throw on his occasional bowlers. However, the wind was now in Mallards favour as Mussett, having swapped the keeper’s pads with Kent, bowled a wicket maiden finding the edge of the home skipper’s bat, his successor pouching the catch, standing up – 37-6. Malik bowled a couple of tidy overs for eight runs whilst at the other end, Holland, given his chance after impressing in the nets, bowled a lovely over for just one run.  Walbottle trooped off knowing the game was up, their final score just 48-6. An excellent bowling and fielding effort from Mallards in the cold conditions – only one boundary conceded in 16 overs.

Kent and Mussett opened the reply for Mallards with the home side hoping for an early finish. Latif, in particular, was keen to get away, his dinner reservation at Sachin’s getting perilously close.  Surprisingly Mussett blocked the first five balls – clearly having learned a defensive shot in the indoor nets this winter.  The sixth went for four. In the next over he hit two more boundaries as Latif started to dream of making the starters.

That dream, however, began to fade as Mussett was bowled in the fourth over for 17 and new batsman McCaffery, clearly tired from his earlier ball-polishing efforts, came and went quickly for 0 to leave Mallards on a precarious 22-2 from 6 overs.

Wood joined Kent at the crease and the pair dropped anchor, Wood scoring in true Morse Code fashion – only without the dashes: fifteen dot balls in his first sixteen balls.  The scoreboard at this stage appeared to freeze up and at the halfway point the away team were marginally ahead of the rate – 26-2 after eight overs. Still the batsmen refused to open up, manfully chipping away at the target, indifferent to the cries of ‘Hit Out or Get Out’ from the boundary. Latif saw his starter disappear and started to worry about his main course. 32-2 from 10 overs became 36-2 from 12, with 14 runs needed from the final four overs for victory.  Enough was enough. Kent finally opened his shoulders to find two boundaries as 12 runs came off the 13^th over to leave Mallards one run from victory.  Wood was not going to give in so easily though, playing out one more maiden over to rob Latif of his  Vegetable Balti, before Kent hit the winning runs with 11 balls left. A perfectly-judged run chase by any standards as Mallards ran out winners by 8 wickets.  Kent finished on 24 not out, Wood, a steadfast 6 not out.

Latif dashed off, hoping there was at least some Kulfi left. The remaining Mallards gathered in the bar to celebrate an opening victory and warm their hands over a Tyneside Blonde. I think her name was Moira.

It was an auspicious start.  All 11 Mallards had arrived at Walbottle Campus by 5.57p.m.  A quick calculation (using mental arithmetic, not a mobile phone) showed that the Mallards were sporting an average team age of 51.3 years – providing both wisdom and guile in unbeatable proportions.  Therefore, the 1 minute warm up that followed seemed both adequate and appropriate.

The opposition appeared strangely unfamiliar – a situation explained by an impending cup game at the weekend which they wished to practice for – the big guns had been brought out.  Seasoned Mallards feared the worst, though whatever was coming their way could not have been any worse than the previous game at the venue (see above picture).

Having won the toss and elected to field, 11 spritely Mallards gaily skipped out on to the pitch.  Then they got serious.  Browne (1-12) and Dunhill (1-20) opened the bowling, immediately finding a tight line and good length – reaping their just rewards with a wicket apiece – and reducing the opposition, Benwell and Walbottle, to 13 for 2.

Thompson and Nitsch, at first and second change, continued to probe outside the off stump.  Then Benson, Mexter, Stone and McCaffery all contributed with steady(-ish) overs.  However, Benwell and Walbottle rose to the challenge and began to show a disturbing level of class, with a series of straight sixes and other highly inappropriate shots which resulted in Davies, Robson, Ridley and Jenkinson all retiring with scores of 33, 30, 23 and 14 respectively.

The Mallards showed their usual prowess in the field, turning twos into singles and leaping and diving to save every possible run.  One highlight was a sprinting full stretch diving attempt by Browne to grasp a spiralling hook shot (which was hit so high it almost hit the oyster catcher – more on this later) only to see the ball dribble agonisingly from his fingertips.

Regardless of these heroics Benwell and Walbottle finished their 18 overs on 128 for 2. The big guns had hit their target.

The Mallard team huddle that followed concluded that, despite the presence of said guns, it was a very achievable target – the Mallards having their own big guns in Taylor and McCaffery.  They opened the innings, both striking the ball well.  However a well-placed field and a disciplined bowling attack stymied the run chase and led to the regular loss of wickets and a score of just 35 for 2 off 10 overs.  Nitsch (6) and Wood (13) both got themselves in but were overcome by some quality spin bowling (with the ball that bowled Wood reportedly spinning back viciously from 3 feet outside off stump).  Malik’s steady 32 not out (retired) was the highlight of the Mallards reply which ended in a respectable yet losing 88 for 4.

There ended another evening’s cricket – but not the lessons for the day.  Browne, the Mallards’ resident ornithologist, informed the team of the flight pattern and call of the oyster catcher (which previously narrowly avoided the spiralling cricket ball) and Taylor found a copy of GCSE Foundation Mathematics – resulting in a recalculation of the average age of the Mallards team to 49.6 years (using the mean rather than the median, of course!).

So, all was not lost…. the Mallards left Walbottle Campus sadly defeated on the pitch but happily enriched in the mind.

In 1972 (when most mallards were mere ducklings), a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they did not commit. They were the A Team, a group of mighty men since, of course, commemorated in verse by the ubiquitous Mr Sheeran.

Like all great leaders of men, captain ‘Hannibal’ Stig brought his A Team, his solders of cricketing fortune from the LA Underground to the streets of Bill Quay with a plan. A winning plan, a plan he would love when it came together. Win the toss, bat big, and bowl them out cheap.

Part one of the plan paid off. The toss was won the words “we’ll have a bat” were said. What could possibly go wrong? Well… his openers were AWOL. In the absence of Nitsch and Malik. It’s was ‘Howling Mad’ McCaffery and Buckley that were instead given the orders to pad up.

Buckley faced the first ball bowled by Adams. A dot to begin with followed by a single to get off the mark and then the swashbuckling McCaffery hit a 4 and 3 to end the 1^st over with the score on 9 without loss (thanks also to a wide). Second bowler Cuskin began with another wide and then sent down a long hop. McCaffery’s eyes lit up at the sight of such a gift and he pulled it beautifully into the on side. Now, on another day it would have gone either side of the man at midwicket for a beautiful 4. Today however was not another day and instead it went straight to Jago, who took a regulation (for other teams) catch to send McCaffery back to the hutch, the score 10/1.

Still with no sign of either opener, Stig strode to the middle like a man on a mission. A man wanting to be a leader by example. He did this by smacking his first ball for 4. A pattern then began to develop with either dots, ones or 4 being scored as a partnership began to be formed by Stig and his faithful lieutenant Buckley. The score racing to 59/1 after 8.

Into the 9^th and Buckley, facing retirement on 26, including 3×4 and 1×6, got a straight one onto the pads that was adjudged to be hitting and was given LBW the score 59/2.

Malik had arrived by now (still no sign of Nitsch and as both teams had 10 it was deemed fair). Like the skipper before him, he got himself off the mark with a 4 driven straight back past the bowler.

Mallards continued to plough on, captain Stig retiring on 32 including 6×4. His retirement brought Blocker Wisbach to the crease, and with Malik struggling to find his timing at the other end fears of a slowdown in run rate were being murmured from the benches. Those fears began to grow as Wisbach put on 3 from 9 balls and in the 15^th over with the score on 93 Malik managed to get himself bowled by Law for 14.

That brought out Benson and a change in Wisbach who produced a spell of batting in which he pitied no fool! He smashed 4 consecutive 4s and a 6 punched out of the ground that AB de Villiers would have been proud of. Wisbach’s smile at the turn of events is recorded above. Benson at the other end hit a quick fire 10 before becoming another victim of the speedy J. Law (3-0-19-2). With the score on 106/4 off 17. Beacock entered the field and with his usual assured play rotated the strike with a series of singles and a beautifully-timed 4 through the covers to finish 8 not out alongside Wisbach on 26. A score of 136, one of the biggest scores by Mallards in a long time, had members of the opposition worried. Part one of the plan had come together and ‘Hannibal’ Stig loves it when a plan comes together.

So it was down to the bowlers to defend the total. First up Watson. A dot to begin with followed by a drive through the covers by Jago for 4 and 4 singles shared between him and Cuskern. Dunhill began from the other end, again with a dot, before 10 came off the next 4. Then with the last ball of the over Cuskern tickled one round the corner off his pads and a quick single was attempted only for Benson to swoop to collect and release in one movement throwing down the only stump he could see. The umpire’s finger was raised and Jago was out for 7 (18/1). After a single off the first ball of the 3^rd, new batsman Adams struggled to get off the mark with sledging coming from his own team-mates. At the other end the 2 singles in the first 3 balls were followed by the first massive six by Cuskern – straight out of the ground in the same place as Wisbach and the score had moved onto 28/1 off 4. Watsons final over beat the bat a couple of times but also had a driven 4. Finishing on 3-0-15-0. 34/1 off 5 became 34/2 off 6 as Dunhill produced 3 tight balls that Adams couldn’t get away before the 4^th took his off stump, Bowled for 2. Dunhill finishing on 3-1-19-1.

Benson replaced Watson with a tight first over going for 2, Browne at the other end producing an equally tight 3 off his first after replacing Dunhill. Cuskern then took a fancy to Benson putting the first ball of his next into No. 47 Davidson Road’s shed with a mighty thud. 2 singles and a 4 from the remainder of the over raised the scoring rate further. Browne at the other end was tight again, just a single and a wide coming from his second. The score now 59/2 off 9. Benson 3^rd was a mixed bag of dots and 4s as he finished his spell with 3-0-23-0.

By now Cuskern had retired on 33 with Lowe and Cuskin at the crease. Brown after going for a couple of singles from the first 2 of his last suddenly got the yips. 3 wides in a row looked to be spoiling his figures but he got it back and finished on a splendid 3-0-14-0. With the score moving to 78/2 off 12 – a tight finish looked likely.

The newly-rebranded Smasher Wisbach replaced Benson, with Cuskin facing. A dot first ball was followed by a 4 then another dot before the breakthrough. A heave across the line by Cuskin took the top edge and niffy glove work by Beacock from a steepling ball saw the end of Cuskin as the score moved to 83/3.

Malik replaced Browne at the road end and after the first few deliveries went for dots down the legside with athletic work that defied his age from Beacock saving extras, an edge for 4 and quick single took 5 off the over.

Lowe was plodding along nicely but his counting didn’t seem the best as he began to walk to retire only to be told he was on 28! Into Wisbach’s 2^nd over and with 13 coming off the first 4 balls White attempted to go big down the ground again only to be caught by McCaffery on the boundary for 16. With the score now 107/4 off 13, Wisbach finishing on 3-0-23-2, Umpires suddenly looked favourites.

With Lowe back in the hutch after finally crossing the line on 33 it was up to Harrison and Hamblett to take Umpires to victory. Unfortunately Hamblett went for a duck, clean bowled by Malik (111/5), then J. Lowe quickly followed for 1, again bowled by Malik (113/6). Mallards were back in it.

After 18 over the score had moved onto 115/6 with Umpires requiring 23 from just two overs, Mallards were back in the box seat. Stig’s plan was working a treat – surely even the Mallards couldn’t give away victory from here. McCaffery was summoned to bowl the 19^th with the field appropriately spread. Sloppy fielding from his first ball produced a 3 for Harrison. Then came a single for Howard before a Harrison 4 and 2 dots with another 4 to finish off the over.

The tide had turned again, into the 20^th over and Umpires now required just 9 runs to win. Well as the old saying goes: if you want a job doing, do it yourself. So full of confidence from his retirement earlier in the evening Captain Stig took the ball in his hand. three singles, a 4 and a dot ball took us to the last ball with the game on a knife edge, Umpires needing 2 to win and 1 to tie with Howard facing. A straight drive and off they ran. A fumble in the field gave them a chance for a second but a quick throw from Malik and good glovework from Beacock saw the bails removed before a diving Harrison could make his ground.

A thoroughly enjoyable and hard fought game of cricket had finished in a tie. Sometimes a plan doesn’t come together but sometimes it doesn’t matter.

As almost a shoe-in for one trophy this season, your Club Despot has decided to see if he can make it a brace come the awards dinner in January, with a contribution to the match reporting. Which, it has to be said, has become a bit ragged of late with several defaulters still to submit their efforts after several weeks – not to mention any names but two that spring to mind share portions of their name with an American singer-songwriter and guitarist who died in 1997 (possibly best known for his cover of Hallelujah) and the mainland side of the Skye road bridge.

Following Mallards stunning 10-wicket victory in the first leg, it was always on the cards that Genetics would seek to bolster their side, ditching youth (D Taylor etc.) in favour of experience (any one of the Genetics XI who played!). Mallards in the meantime focused on their policy of just making sure everyone gets a game. Somehow also for this game, Taylor (G) managed to make just his 4^th start of the season, but also reprised his captaincy role of old – mainly because nobody else wanted to do it.

Before things got started, however, there was a gathering at the one tree end of the field to dedicate two new, and finally installed in place, benches that the two teams have jointly paid for over the past seasons to commemorate  Jon Robinson. Sid Mitcheson fittingly led the dedication, having almost single handedly taken on the task of overcoming the collective lethargy that has been prevailing for almost 2 seasons for the clubs to commission and install them. It was also touching to have Jon’s mum and his daughter Sian (along with her newly-arrived son) in attendance. For those that didn’t meet Jon, he was a larger than life character with a tremendous eye when it came to batting and ability to take outrageous one-handed boundary catches (usually because the other was nursing a roll-up). Jon loved his cricket, and if he could get 7 days a week of cricket in during the season, he would, he played for anybody and everybody who would offer him a game. His main allegiances though were to Genetics first and Mallards second and we would always take priority. New year 2018 will mark 5 years since Jon left us too soon, and all of us who had the pleasure of knowing him remember him with fondness and still miss him. Consequently we’ve agreed that Mallards-Genetics games will continue to use the subs collected for charitable or practical cricket related donations – although it may take a few more years before we have the funds to build the Jon Rob stand at Riding Mill!

Onto the cricket itself. Taylor won the toss and elected to bat first, with agreement that the game would be 18 overs, max overs 3 per bowler (much to Cleaver’s dismay) and retire at 30. Kent and Mussett eagerly stepped forward to open the innings and were treated to some very accurate bowling from Taylor (B) and Tarbuck – making only his second appearance of the season for Genetics . With runs tight, both batsmen were made to work – Kent (I think) benefitting from an easy put-down by Buckley (who’d elected to play for the opposition). But it was Mussett who was the first to fall, bowled by a rare beauty from Taylor (B). Taylor (G) was in next with a determined glint in eye to secure a trophy that is surely his, by succumbing to a 3-ball duck, bowled by Tarbuck and ensuring that his season performance with the bat for Mallards will read 4 innings, 3 ducks and measly 3 scored. At the end of the 6^th  over the scoreboard read 25 for 2 (thanks to two lots of 4 byes), and Genetics skipper rang the first bowling changes with Sid “the Slayer” Mitcheson replacing Tarbuck (3 overs 1 for 11) and Goulding replacing Taylor (B) (3 overs 1 for 5).

With Kent on strike, the game reduced to just two players, with the batsman determined not to get out and Goulding trying every bowling trick in the book to make it so. Meanwhile at the other end, Mitcheson got on the with job of taking wickets removing Latif for 1, who was quickly followed by Holland taking a suicidal quick single of his own calling – run out by the quicker running Bennett for the second duck of the evening. By the end of the 12^th the score was 49 for 4, keeping the score rate at a smidgen over 4 per over.

Van Doorn replaced Mitcheson (3 overs 1 for 12) and Heslop, complete with bionic shoulder, replaced Goulding (2 overs 0 for 3). Kent having successfully navigated Goulding then proceeded to try to charge down a wide-ish one from Heslop and was duly stumped for 20 by an equally surprised Gardener – somehow managing to take a ball cleanly in his gloves for a change. Van Doorn, not wishing to miss out, then benefitted from a goal keeper-like full stretch catch by Buckley to remove Beacock for the third duck of the innings. With Wisbach and young Thompson at the stumps, things steadied and runs started coming, albeit helped by their plan to ensure that Mr Extras (21 – I think, the scorecard, as usual, not fully completed) would be Mallards’ highest scorer. However both made hay, until Wisbach contrived to pull a ball from Bullock in the final over straight into Gardner’s gloves – which somehow miraculously stuck. With two balls remaining Haylock, in at the dizzy heights of number 9 sensed a chance to improve his season average with a single off the final ball of the innings, leaving him on 1 not out, Thomson on a very respectable 12 not out and the innings at 84 for 7.

With not a lot to defend and Cleaver having already spent much of the Genetics innings polishing up the best of his two pink balls, Taylor elected to let Tony open up the Mallards’ defence from the Broomhaugh end with a tidy first over that saw just 3 runs come from it.  Haylock, buzzing from carrying his bat, opened from the now to be named “Jon Rob” end (the benches are a bit of a give away), was not so tidy conceding 7. With openers Gardner and Buckley stoically doing their job, and despite some good fielding, at the end of the 6^th over Genetics were ahead of the run-rate at 32 for the loss of no wickets. Cleaver finishing off his allotted 3, and Haylock 0 for 16.

The first bowling change saw Wisbach replace Cleaver (3 overs 0 for 15) and Dunhill replace Haylock. With the ball coming out of the sun and extracting some turn, Wisbach bowled a tidy first over. Meanwhile Dunhill immediately found his line, troubling both batsmen, but with no luck. Wisbach’s second over saw Gardener retire on a well-crafted 30, to see Genetics on 60 from the first 11 overs. Dunhill finally got some reward in his last over trapping Buckley (24 – his score not his wishful age!) for a plumb lbw, finishing with figures of 1 for 13 off his allotted 3, which would have been 4 runs better if not for 4 overthrows from a slightly over-enthusiastic Mussett, seeing an opportunity to run the newly arrived Goulding out. The same said person, replaced Wisbach (2 over 0 for 17), and elected to bowl spin. Keeping things tight Ben conceded just 6 runs from his 2 overs, but by the end of the 13^th the score was 70 and Genetics therefore only needed 15 off the last 5 for victory.

Electing to give everyone a chance, Taylor turned to Thompson to replace Dunhill. Tarbuck, in at number three, looked dangerous – until he was run out for 8 (book doesn’t record by who). However 10 runs came of Thompson’s over and, with 4 overs to go, only 4 were needed. Taylor elected to bring the field in. This tactic helped bag the wicket of Heslop, out for the fourth duck of the evening easily snaffled by Kent. With just 2 needed for victory and 20 balls to get it  Genetics, sensing victory, sent Jordon out to occupy the crease. Somehow he managed to get his bat on the first ball and was reluctantly forced to take a single by a screaming Goulding. One run needed, last ball of the 15^th over and Goulding straight drove Latif’s last ball for four to see Genetics win the return by 7 wickets with 3 overs to spare.

Controversy then ensued, when Taylor present the Job Rob Cup to Genetics skipper Gardner at the Welly. Taylor quite rightly pointing out that at the end of the second leg Mallards were still ahead on net run-rate (and, I think, wickets taken). Cue setting up a decider next weekend in Wicklow! Third leg and all to play for!

The year moves on, and with August comes the first El Classico of 2017. Enough has been written in previous year’s reports about the gravitas the Jon Rob matches carry, so I’ll not waste too much time on it here. Suffice it to say that one or two Geneticists were at the ground so early they were still striking their tents when I arrived.

Varying, often contradictory, predictions were offered about the weather prospects for the evening, but any fears proved groundless as the last of the grey clouds disappeared as the teams gradually assembled with none of the usual squabbling about who should have the Home dressing room. More pressing was the deciphering of the team selections, I’m not sure the eventual result matched any of the pre-game line-ups but who really cares.

Being so late with this report I can’t remember who won the toss, but for the sake of a good story let’s just agree that Stig did, chose to bowl, and move on. Taylor (D) and Hamid started things off for the Genetics, with Taylor not in any mood to mess around. Four overs later, with the score already at 40, Taylor retired on a sublime 32 which included six fours. At the other end, Hamid was trying to keep up but couldn’t find that same timing.

Things looked a bit ominous at this stage as the typically destructive Bennett strode out with purpose. Mallards needed a little something to help pull the game back their way a bit, and it came in not at all controversial circumstances as Bennett top-edged a legside full toss off Watson which was well caught on the fine leg boundary by Dunhill. This brought a bit of respite for the opening bowlers, Watson (3-0-18-1) and Dunhill (3-0-24-0), who were able to finish their spells in relative peace.

A bowling change brought another wicket as Hamid was bowled off Mexter’s second ball for 7. Mexter (2-0-4-1) and Bateman (2-0-16-0) fought to put us in front for the first time in the game, but Genetics’ number four Airey was going well and keeping things in the balance. Together with Jordon the score progressed through to 72/2 in the 13th over before Jordon was caught by Buckley off the bowling of Haylock (3-0-8-1) for 2.

Bowling well from the other end, Stone (3-0-12-1) picked up the wicket of Van Doorn for two, a sharp catch by Mussett in the covers. So by the time bowlers 5 and 6 had finished their spells, the score was 85/4 after 16 and we were in a decent position. Stig was still ringing the bowling changes as McCaffery and Mussett were brought on for the death overs.

McCaffery struck with his first ball (another excellent change, Skip) to end a strong innings from Airey (22), caught by Watson. McCaffery (2-0-13-2) struck again a couple of balls later, bowling Heslop for a duck. Numbers 8 and 9, Wisbach and Mitcheson looked to build a late rearguard action, before Mussett (2-0-8-1) had Wisbach caught by McCaffery for 10. The innings came to a close on 106/7 after 20 overs, definitely chaseable, but there were too many experienced Mallards out there for anyone to start getting carried away.

After a quick turnaround, Mussett and the newly promoted Bateman made their way to the middle and got stuck in at a frantic pace. At 19/0 after two overs and 32/0 after four, we were actually behind Genetics rate of scoring. However the openers powered on through with a wonderful display of strokeplay. No mercy was shown to the opening bowlers, Taylor (B) (3-0-27-0) and Mitcheson (3-0-28-0), as the ball disappeared to all corners.

At 59/0 after 6, Bateman won the race to retirement, his 34 containing two fours and three sixes. Mussett 6-4-4 in the next (and Wisbach’s first) over to join his opening partner in the shed, his innings of 33 containing six fours and a six, as well as a solitary single and a lonesome two. The score was now 74/0 after 7 and several people on both sides were struggling somewhat to come to terms with what they’d just seen.

The burden of closing the game out was passed to McCaffery (16*) and Buckley (1*) as Genetics skipper Taylor (B) fought to find a breakthrough. Wisbach (2-0-19-0), Hamid (2-0-12-0) and Airey (0.2-0-5-0) were tried but the damage had been done. MCC needed just 10.2 overs to close out a storming 10 wicket win, probably the strongest performance I can think of in 5 or so seasons of Mallard-hood.

The return fixture is just a few short days away and Genetics will no doubt be out for blood. I for one, can’t wait.

All the late-19^th Century accoutrements were in place for a trip down memory lane in Sunday’s very friendly game against Belmont CC at Beamish Museum:  portly men in waistcoats, bowler hats, exuberant whiskers and very leisurely fielding – all authenticated by those doughty survivors of the WG Grace era, Messrs Stone and Cleaver.

The rules were explained several times before the slower members of the team grasped the full details: Twenty overs a side, two overs per bowler, two-pace run-ups, no lbws, no pads for the batsmen and 25 and out – aside from the pads pretty much business as usual for seasoned Mallards.

In a move of sheer recklessness McCaffery was made captain for the day and winning the toss he elected to field first. Belmont began steadily in the face of some decent bowling from Cleaver and Thompson, the only early incident of note being Taylor’s attempt to catch the ball with his back, being more interested in chatting up the scorer than facing the play. After four overs Belmont were 22-0.

Things began to get more interesting with the introduction of Cox and Stone, the latter one of the many bowlers who had to make little change to his normal run up. While Cox bowled very tightly, Stone’s first over went for ten runs but to compensate he also claimed the first wicket, bowling Smith for 12. His second was a perfect replica, ten more runs and the second wicket to fall, Monaghan bowled for 11 and after 8 overs Belmont were 49-2.

The game fell into a steady pattern then as the batting team kept the score around six an over as Latif and Butcher bowled steadily without much luck and after 12 overs the score had reached 76-2.  McCaffery decided that an intervention was necessary and his self-introduction brought immediate dividends when the newly-christened ‘Safe Hands’ Cleaver pouched a catch in the covers, cleverly using his groin as a pouch.  Sadly his new nickname was instantly removed when he spilled a chance in the very next over from the unlucky Taylor, who also saw the skipper narrowly fail to cling on to a diving catch in the deep.  Nevertheless, Taylor returned the impressive figures of 0-9 from his two overs, the skipper taking 1-14. Belmont were now 99-3 from 16 overs.  Not content with bowling well, Taylor, resplendent in a salmon pink waistcoat (see above) then donned the keeper’s gloves to allow Wood to bowl a couple of overs to finish off the innings in combination with the deadly duo of Green Senior and Junior. Things remained tight with Belmont mainly scoring in singles and after 20 overs their innings ended on 123-3 – an eminently gettable score. Special mention should be given to Thomson, whose energetic fielding helped to keep the score down to manageable proportions.

Cox and Taylor opened the batting for Mallards and progressed serenely for eight overs, adding 41 runs in the process before Taylor was finally run out for 18. Thomson followed quickly for 1 before Cox retired for an excellent 27.

By now the rain had started and the combination of that and the break-up of the indoor balls being used made it difficult to score quickly, the ball taking up most of the properties of a bathroom sponge. The skipper’s attempts to push the score on quickly ended when he was caught for 7 and Cleaver also perished early on, caught behind for 4.  Latif, meanwhile, had progressed steadily and things began to pick up when he was joined by Butcher, who immediately carved out a couple of fierce boundaries to take the score to 91-4 from 17 overs – 43 required from 3 overs to win.

Unfortunately the partnership was removed in quick order when Latif was bowled for 17 and in the following over  Butcher retired hurt with a strained thigh. The loss of wickets had also seen the run rate dry up, leaving new batsmen Stone and Wood requiring 21 from the final over for victory. Stone swung and missed a couple of times before finally connecting and being caught for 3 leaving Green and Wood to see off the last couple of balls as Mallards finished on 108-6, losing by 15 runs.

A splendid tea of cucumber sandwiches and Pimms was followed by a trip to the Sun Inn for ale and pork pies. Sadly, though the ambience was pure 19^th century the prices were not.