This story is based on actual events. In certain cases incidents have been changed for dramatic purposes.

A reasonably warm but partly cloudy evening greeted the Mallards at Newcastle City’s ground on the first day of June.

With a much changed team from the previous fixture of the week, the Mallards were in a relatively confident mood,  reminiscing over recent past wins against the opposition Davipart.

Mallards were batting first after losing the toss (I think we did anyway. Either way, we were batting).

In a change from the professional game, where the umpires are followed out by the players, Mallards like to start mind games early, by refusing to provide any umpires until the bowler, field and batsman are all set and ready. Only a cry from the opposition of ‘Can we have some umpires?’ allowed the release of the men in whites, as we didn’t have any umpire jackets or stones to count the balls. Psychological advantage was clear to see and we were well and truly one up over Davipart.

Malik and Singh were opening up and Thompson bowled a tight first over going for 3. The next over from Saif was equally  tight but then followed a turning point in the match. Thompson to Singh, big appeal for LBW, Peter ‘Dickie Bird’ Beacock raises the finger 6 for 1. Wood in next. A nice shot for 2 settled the nerves but then there was no need for the quick-fingered umpire 2 balls later as he was bowled. 10 for 2. Captain Butcher in next.

Malik was still looking comfortable taking a few singles and manoeuvring the strike to allow Butcher to face. Saif to Butcher, passes the bat. Keeper then throws the ball back to the stumps and there is a stifled appeal for a stumping. Denied by Peter ‘David Shepherd’ Beacock, play on. But what’s this???? Butcher is walking back towards the pavilion. Maybe he’s left something behind, like his box or the rule book of umpiring. It appears he’s given himself out as the wicket keeper was adamant his foot was out of the crease. (Even though there was barely a line to see). Possibly the first time we have seen a player overturning an umpire’s decision on a stumping. Controversially now 14 for 3 from 4 overs. Wisbach in next. Time for a bit a composure.

Malik negotiates Thompson’s next over, adding a couple more. The composed Wisbach facing up to his first ball. A wide one smashed straight to point – but put down!!! A single snatched from the jaws of a catch. Composure gone in the blink of an eye.

Wisbach and Malik continue to fend off the opening bowlers, running well and keeping the scoreboard ticking over to see Thompson and Saif off, almost. Saif’s last delivery was hit well by Malik but straight back to Saif who took a good catch. Malik gone for a nice 16. 31 for 4 after 8 overs. Thompson finished for a tight 4-13-2 and Saif just as good with 4-16-2. Beacock in next

In a rather precarious position Beacock and Wisbach showed how it should be done. Plenty of singles and couple of well-timed fours from each batsmen taking the score out of embarrassment and into poor – which most would have been happy with. The accurate bowling continuing with Dillon finishing 4-13-0.

A well-negotiated partnership of 33 came to an end after an in between over discussion was ignored by Wisbach. “We’ll see how this over goes and then have a thrash about in the final 3 overs” was agreed between the two batsmen.

But the loopy slow-paced Rawley was too tempting for Wisbach, who gracefully danced down the wicket and missed one that span about a meter (dramatisation) and was stumped. Wisbach gone for 22. Now 64 for 5. Mexter up next.

More singles and a cheeky run for a bye by Mexter added to the scoreboard. But then the famous Mallards curse was unleashed by Wood from the boundary. After Mexter snuck the extra, Wood was heard to shout ; “Well ran Leon” followed by ” he’ll probably get out now”. 71 for 6. Mexter bowled by Umar/Wood.

Big hitting Bateman in next. Beacock continued his fine innings with more singles and Bateman lit up the cloudy background with some lovely timing including a four and a big six off the final ball to take the total to 93/6. Beacock not out 15 and Bateman 12 from 6 deliveries.

From 31/4 I think 93/6 was an acceptable final total.

Over to the bowlers to continue the Mallards fight. Gilloway and Thompson opening up with some well-bowled overs which,  apart from a few byes from a wide one down the leg, gave Mallards a nice start, against a clearly talented opening batting pair. Then the first strike, Thompson to Sandhu, LBW for 7. Davipart 11 for 1.

The well-known and dangerous Y. Rawley was in next. The field backed off a bit in preparation for the swinging blade. 2 boundaries followed from Rawley, tarnishing the over a little. The bowlers hit back well, restricting the batsmen to mainly singles with Thompson finishing 3-19-1 and Davipart on 36 for 1 from 6.

Then, the moment of the match. Gilloway to Duzza, a big hit over deep mid-off, Thompson went forward, then sideways, then back and back and back and leapt like a salmon in cricket whites, raising one hand and grabbing a ‘Worldie’ (as quoted in the scorebook). Great catch, Duzza done for 4, Davipart 37 for 2. Gilloway finishing with a nice 4-21-1.

Mallards sensed a chance and brought on Bateman and Mexter. Bateman kept the pressure on with some accurate pitched-up deliveries and was unlucky not to get a breakthrough. However, the runs began to flow at the other end with Rawley getting into his stride with consecutive boundaries from Mexter.  Bateman continued with accuracy and by the end of his third over had only gone for 7. Rawley continued to make runs and before long had retired for a well-made 33, with the score on 73.

Deeps entered and continued to add to the score with a boundary off his second ball and paddled around a few singles with Dillion to bring the score to 83 with Mexter finishing up on 3-0-29. Bateman ran up to bowl his fourth and Dillion was obviously late home for his tea, as he hit Bateman for 6 back over his head. A few more singles and some byes got the scores levels and then the final ball of the over was knocked for single to hand a deserved victory to Davipart with 3 overs to go. Bateman unlucky to finish on 4-0-18.

Mallards knew the poor start was the main contributing factor to an under-par score but realistically Davipart probably would have chased down a far greater total than that. We take the positives of a great catch and a few decent batting and bowling performances and move onto the next.

As usual the match was played in a good spirit and Mallards filled the bar with the main discussion being non-cricket-related. Which team had their shirt framed in the club house? Green and white hooped. Celtic? Sporting Lisbon? Yeovil? Even with Leon taking a closer look he was none the wiser. It remains a club secret to this day. . . . . . Not really, it was Gosforth rugby club who played at the ground too.

The game of cricket is a strange beast. It can, on one hand, be an absolutely sublime game full of moments of genius that draw gasps of wonder from the crowd, skilled players making the impossible look simple, athletic fielding at levels of speed and agility that surely can’t be human and shots so powerful that the ball is past you before you’ve had time to blink, never mind move! On the other hand, it can involve Mallards, where the game goes from the sublime to the ridiculous, the only gasps from the crowd are ones of disbelief, the players make the simple look impossible, speed and agility are words seen only in a dictionary and the ball is usually past the batsman before they’ve had time to move!

So why was I screaming at everyone who was driving on the A69 at 5.55pm to get out of my “flipping” (or words along those lines) way so that I could get to Riding Mill on time to play this game? Because there’s something about playing in the Mallards team that is special. Is it the camaraderie? Is it the spirit in which the game is played? Is it the fact that it’s not taken too seriously? Is it that no-one knows what’s going to happen from one game to the next? Is it because the main objective of the night is to actually get to the pub after the game, rather than the game itself? The answer is, of course, that it’s all of the above and more.

Playing for Mallards was something I genuinely missed when living in Lincolnshire for the last couple of years. To be welcomed back into the fold so warmly and immediately made me realise exactly why I missed Mallards. It’s not necessarily about the game of cricket, it’s the social aspect that it brings. Which is probably why it’s taken me so long to get on to the game itself!

A lovely sunny evening in Riding Mill bode well for a good game of cricket and, with Mr Nitsch finishing off the cutting of the wicket as I pulled up in my car, the ground was in tip-top shape too. Apparently, we’d won the toss and were batting first against an Architects (or QSCC to give them their proper title) team that seemed to have a different mentality to other games we’ve played against them.

We opened with Mussett and Kenty against their opening bowling pair of Harkin and Harrison and our batsmen were soon well into their stride with 20 coming off the first 2 overs – Mussett tonking several 4s and Kenty chipping in with a boundary of his own. The next 2 overs continued at a similar rate as our scored moved onto 36 with the H-team taking a further bashing on their bowling figures. In the 5^th over, Mussett retired having passed 30 with a tonking six over long on off Spurs (who had replaced Harkin) and walked back to the pavilion to be replaced by Hall. It was in the 6^th over that our first wicket fell when Hall was clean bowled for just 1 trying to howk Harrison back over the bowler’s head for 6. The fact that he’d been hit on the arm by a bit of a beamer (admittedly accidental) from Harrison the ball before probably had a slight influence on the choice of shot.

Hall was replaced by the skipper, Mr Cox, and we thought we’d be back into our stride after the slight inconvenience of losing Mr Hall. At the end of the 6^th over we were 51-1, with Mussett back in the hutch, ready to return should we have a typical Mallardian collapse. Kenty and Mr Cox slowly started to rebuild the innings and, at the end of the 8^th over, the run rate was still impressive as our score moved on to 62. However, it was at the expense of losing the wicket of Mr Cox to the bowling of Harrison. A gorgeous flick off his legs was caught one-handed by the fielder at square leg. The one-handed bit was surely one for the cameras and totally unnecessary. The next batsman was Buxom, fresh from his retiring score against Durham the other week but, as we were to discover, unable, this week, to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo tonight never mind a cricket ball with a bat. However, Kenty continued to score runs and eventually retired having passed 30. This brought Emoji Lucas to the crease and, having taken a guard of middle stump, promptly stood about a foot outside leg giving the bowler all 3 stumps to aim for. Needless to say, a few balls later, Emoji was walking back to the pavilion to be replaced by newbie,  Holland.

After a few words of encouragement from Buxom to just enjoy it, keep it simple and don’t get out, the 2 batsmen went about their business. Unfortunately, their business was to not score any runs and we went from a score of 68-2 in the 10^th over to 77-3 in the 12^th, then 79-4 in the 14^th over. You see fewer dots in a Morse code transcript than in the scorebook over those overs. Eventually, Buxom holed out finally having connected with one going for broke and this brought Mr Nitsch to the wicket and the score started to increase again. Ably supported by Holland, Mr Nitsch started hitting boundaries, something not seen, it felt like anyway, since Methuselah was a lad! Holland was caught off the bowling of Brigham (who’d also dispensed with Buckley) and Nitsch was then supported by Mr McGuinness, who replaced Holland. Mr Nitsch eventually went for 17 having been bowled by Brigham and the last wicket was McGuinness who was run out by a country mile. Trigger-Finger had pitched in with a couple of singles. Mallards finished on 106 having been on 68 after 10 overs. Was only scoring 38 runs in the last 10 over going to come back to haunt them?

Mallards opened their bowling with Trigger-Finger Cleaver and Mr Watson and both were into their rhythm quickly against the Architects’ opening batsmen of Warman(?) and Loach.  Warman(?) was first to go in Watson’s first over, clean-bowled by an impressive delivery. This brought Spurs to the wicket and having only scored 2, he was clean bowled by TF Cleaver. 2 wickets in the first 3 overs and the score was 23!

Ashley came to the wicket for Architects and, after a boundary and a single, was sent packing by Watson, clean-bowling yet another batsman. In the meantime, opener Loach was slowly progressing and building up a decent score as a good partnership with Brigham developed. After TF Cleaver and Watson had finished their spells with figures of 4-0-23-1 and 4-0-20-2 respectively, McGuinness and Cox came on to replace them.

Some fast and aggressive bowling from Skip Cox was rewarded when he (rather loudly) found the edge of the batsman’s bat and it was finely caught by Kenty behind the stumps. Everyone went up (including Davy Heslop who was several miles away collecting his Indian takeaway by now) in celebration but the batsman didn’t move and the umpire said he didn’t hear anything. The look of disbelief on everyone’s faces was justified but we carried on, determined to overcome this obvious miscarriage of justice. Eventually, Skip Cox got his reward when he clean-bowled Loach for 22 (although, for some reason, the scorebook has it down as Hall, even though he didn’t bowl!). McGuinness also removed Brigham by clean-bowling him for 19.

At the end of the 12^th over, the dismissed Architects batsmen had only scored 56 runs between them. Was the chance of a Mallards win still on the cards? Unfortunately, our conceded total of extras was rather high in wides and byes (despite a fantastic display behind the stumps by Kenty) which made Architects’ score much closer than it could have been. Mussett replaced McGuiness and got a couple of wickets by clean-bowling both M Robinson and Harkin for 7 and 0 respectively. During Mussett’s bowling, Skip Cox attempted a catch on the run which ended up in him landing on his bowling hand so McGuiness was brought back to replace him at the Pavilion end. Despite some great bowling (all wickets were clean-bowled), good fielding and a great collective team effort, Mallards’ score was just too low and D Robinson along with Harrison brought Architects home to win the game by scoring the clinching runs in their 18^th over.

So yes, scoring only 38 runs in our second 10 overs did cost Mallards the game. We were close though. Blooming close.

There would have been more figures given for the Architects innings but they hadn’t filled in the book properly (again)!

There was a decent turn-out at the pub from both teams after the game was nice to see although, for some reason, the opposition couldn’t have sat further away from us if they’d tried. Learning that Mr Nitsch is a fan of Shaun Mendes and enjoys going to his concerts (along with the concerts of several gay icons) was a revelation to discover! Worth the trip to the pub on its own! However, the evening was a perfect summation of what playing for Mallards is all about – playing for the love of the game, good camaraderie and socialising afterwards with good craic. Long may it continue.

Being so early in the season, the annual MCC dinner and the lure of the coveted awards must still be fresh in everyone’s minds – catches are being held, match reports have been getting churned out in record time, and Tony Cleaver jumped at the chance to put in a strong bid for the friendly fire trophy. Regular readers will know this particular (award-winning) correspondent likes to take the odd pot-shot at TC, and it always proves popular so I thought I’d get it in way early. That’s ok, there’s no way Gareth will pick him for a while after last week, he’s kind of spiteful like that, so I can make those sort of jokes in safety.

However this is being the Mallards,  there was much midweek team shuffling. So when Captain Butcher turned up proudly wielding the new team kit, he was forced not only to welcome our new antagonist back into the fold, but had to hand him a brand new shirt into the bargain.

Anyhoo, that’s enough forced preamble – I usually like some sort of theme when I write reports, but I’ve been struggling this time (I’ll just call it ropey early-season form and move on) so am writing any old bollocks to get the word count up.

Let’s hope things get better from here.

Facing off against what I’m fairly sure is a new opponent in the mysteriously named USCC, MCC were to bat first [Error: toss result not found] with a strong and stable looking lineup. Kent (welcome back, mate) and Musset started with confidence, getting through to 15/0 after 3 overs before Kent was bowled for 2 by a shoelace-bothering half-tracker.

McCaffery, promoted to first drop to “Give it the Heeeet” (whatever that means) kept the good work going, and with Musset peppered the boundary to the tune of 46/1 off 7.

At this point, Stig was heard to make predictions about record scores, with the opposition in ear-shot and everything.

In the 8th over, Musset deposited the ball onto the pavilion roof and retired on 35. Cox, with Stig’s words still ringing around the ground was bowled for a duck, bringing Wood in to really put the anchors on the scoring rate (that’s 3 off 16 balls for you, Trev)  “Young” Colin was still in charge, but soon reached 31 and retired. 82/2 off 12, what could possibly go wrong.  (Note from webmaster to mathematically-challenged reporter –  “putting the anchors on” yet maintaining the scoring rate at just below 7 an over?).

I’m not going to make cheap cliches out of the 13th over being unlucky, but a hat-trick is rather a conspicuous event, and kind of hard to sweep under the rug. Wood, Butcher and Browne were on the receiving end of that particular one, all bowled by Gaurav. Special mention to Browne for having an almighty heave at the hat-trick ball, it would have looked so good if he’d nailed that one for 6.

There was now a bit of a pause in proceedings as we tried to find some more batsmen to go in. This actually seemed to settle things down as Beacock (17*) and Thompson (8*) saw out the rest of the overs comfortably, including 10 runs off the 19th. Stig’s mid-innings prediction of 140, maybe even 150 was a bit off as we finished on 114/5. Thanks mate, can we count this as a Friendly Fire nomination?

Nevertheless, 114 is still very defendable, particularly with the pitch doing a bit and the sun dropping into the blinding zone.

Cleaver (2 for 20 off 4) took the new ball and struck in the first over, as the skipper took a tumbling catch to remove opener Rizuan for 0. TC took the next wicket too in the 5th, bowling Ankush for 9. Browne (1 for 18 off 3) joined the action in the next over as Thompson was calm under a high catch at mid off. 32/3 off six, we’re into their middle order and there’s a confident feeling around the field.

Watson (0 for 40 off 4) came on at the Eastern end and came in for some special treatment from Harry and Raheel, the latter showing some imaginative footwork to unsettle the bowler’s rhythm. Cox (2 for 14 off 4) came on at the other end, still smarting from his failure with the bat and found satisfaction as he dismissed both set batsmen, clean bowled.

Remarkably, given the way the match was panning out, both teams were on 83/5 after 13 overs. If we could only chisel out another couple of wickets we might find ourselves right on top again.

No chance. Lady Luck was still twisting the knife into Stig’s very own “We’re going to make ’em grovel” moment and new bowlers Musset and Thompson didn’t really stand a chance against those dark forces. Neither was able to find a way through and USCC got home in the 18th over, 118/5. Musset finished with 0 for 11 off 1.5 and Thompson 0 for 6 off 1.

Ah well, the new kit looked good and it was finally warm enough to sit outside at the Welly so it wasn’t a total write-off. Bring on next week and the start of double-header season!

With the nights growing warmer and longer, a team of wild Mallards migrated south to temporarily nest in the heart of Durham at the Maiden Castle ground. The lush field seemed endless and after a damp morning, the possibility of a high boundary game looked far from likely.

Harry and Taylor were the first to wade to the wicket, the former looking to impress on his debut and the latter looking to impress on his birthday. Harry, who like Prince or Cher appears to be mononymous, elected to face the first ball from Bothroyd which yielded a pair of two’s and 4 dot balls, a solid start for a debut Mallard. The second over meant it was the birthday boy’s time to shine, with a familiar face doing the bowling (Judas Cleaver) surely the stage was set for a fine batting display. Sadly, the memo mustn’t have been received  as Cleaver, in fine recent form, bowled 5 dot balls before having Taylor caught behind –  a wicket-maiden first over.

McCaffery joined Harry and the second over followed a similar pattern, Harry pounced on anything the accurate fast bowler let slightly astray added 2 runs with the first ball and 3 with the final ball, which was the first confirmation of the massive boundaries as the shot looked all day like a 4.  Unfortunately, Cleaver, now in confident mood, then managed to repeat his first over trick with another wicket-maiden his third ball seeing Harry caught in the deep.  Buckley saw out the rest of the over but  after 4 overs, the mallards had just 9 runs and had lost 2 wickets. Things looked ominous.

After another maiden over from new bowler Metcalf, McCaffery and Buckley started to build a fine-looking partnership, the former loving to run at a second’s notice and the latter begrudgingly obliging. McCaffery had the gall to start swinging at Cleaver’s deliveries and the runs began to come. The first boundaries came in the 10^th over as Buckley whacked Anjil for 4 twice in a row.  The Mallards now sat on 37-2 from 10, still well below par. Buckley, however, was beginning to accelerate and the runs began to flow more quickly before he retired in the 13^th over for 31. McCaffery quickly followed, in less desirable circumstances, after being caught from Anjil for 19 leaving the Mallards on 67 from 14 and plenty of time to start slogging.

Wood and Butcher entered the fray but the latter soon saw his stumps demolished. Butcher began to walk, fate seemingly sealed, before eagle-eyed Umpire Taylor quickly stomped his authority to declare a no ball. With a mop of the brow Butcher was back in business. The need for runs meant risks were now being taken with some quick singles and Butcher finally met his end for real, run out for 7 in the 17^th over.  Browne, promoted to try and increase the run rate, came in next. First ball faced made him look like a proper batsman with a straight drive over the bowler’s head, however 2 runs were reduced to 1 as the ever-fair umpire Taylor had spotted a running infraction.  Sadly Browne repeated the same shot three more times without connecting and was stumped at the fourth attempt. Live by the sword, die by the sword.

Beacock now joined the ever-present Wood to finish the innings off. With both prepared to run for everything, a flurry of singles peppered with smattering of near misses saw them take the score to 99-5 from the 20 overs, Beacock finishing with 6 and Wood an unbeaten 15.

Mallards swooped onto the pitch in the knowledge that either a superb defensive display, or bowling Durham out would be the only chance of victory. Browne, opening the bowling, started with the latter in mind. The first chance the batsman had to swing, he did and Butcher took full advantage with a fine catch. Opening batsman Wastell out for a duck.

Watson at the other end was also delivering devilish balls, his pirouetting run-up clearly confusing the new batsman, Smith, who attempted a suicidal run to Buckley. Buckley’s response was swift and deadly, a one-handed pick-up and direct hit to run the new man out by a distance. Two overs gone, two batsmen out.

Durham, however, began to settle and by  the 7^th over had reached 24 for 2. Browne, in his final over, made one last big effort and it paid off, a lightning ball edged and snapped up by Beacock, sharp as ever. Browne finished his spell with an excellent 2-11 from four overs while Watson ended with a parsimonious 0-21. Both fine numbers and if the following bowlers could continue this, the Mallards would just about make it.

The second debutant of the day Gilloway took the next over with Thompson bowling from the other end. Gilloway, from Lancashire, had regaled the Mallards with tales of his youthful bowling prowess however, sheepishly confessed he hasn’t held a ball for close to 8 years. Both bowlers appeared to start out steadily however batsmen Powell and Rout had definitely begun to feel more comfortable. Any ball that was slightly short or off line was punished harshly. As the overs ticked by, Gilloway’s previous experience started to shine through though and on another day he could have picked up a couple of wickets. A snick again swept up by Beacock was deemed to be from a pad strap, appeals for a slow-motion replayed denied by a lack of such technology.

Gilloway was now well into his stride and his third over gave away just 2 runs. Thompson was replaced by Wood in an attempt to give new batsman Gillespie (Powell having just retired for 31 from a flurry of boundaries) something new to think about.  Gilloway took his final over well and ended up with a respectable 0-25 from his four.  With Wood holding them off at one end, Thompson was given another shot at the other for the 16^th over. By this point, however, Durham had hit 93 and a small miracle was needed. Despite a much better over, giving away 3 runs, the damage looked done. The Mallards closed in and Wood stepped up again looking for a maiden. Three great deliveries to new batsman Boothroyd (Gillespie having also romped to 30) looked promising, however off the fourth the batsman took a wild swing and that was it, 4 runs, Durham finishing on 101-3 to win by 7 wickets. Wood bowled 3 overs for 15 and Thompson the same for 22.

All that separated the teams in the end was 14 balls, and Mallards being Mallards, it was taken in good stride. There is always a beer after and there is always another game.

Hold on a minute though… if Cleaver had put on a different shirt that morning, would the scores have been reversed? I think we all know the answer to that. We’re all expecting a fine performance next time Cleaver puts on a Mallards shirt, though having bowled out the head of the selection committee on his birthday that may not be for a long time.

The laws of gravity have entertained and constrained mankind’s endeavours ever since cavemen hurled rocks at woolly mammoths. Sir Isaac ‘Beefy’ Newton characterised these laws as the mutual attraction between two globes in space; Alfred ‘Nobby’ Einstein formulated them in his general theory of relativity and Stig ‘Norwich’ Butcher struggles against them every time he gets out of bed. No better entertainment can be had, however, than to watch assorted members of the Mallards pivot about the greensward in their attempt to dispute gravity and dispatch cricket balls to all parts.

And so the game began. It started well: blue skies, bright sunshine and the pitch at Tynemouth inviting to behold – dry, verdant, with boundaries framed by assorted shrubbery (of which more later).

King’s Old Boys sportingly opened the bowling with some generous pie-chucking to which Stig duly applied himself – putting more beef into his batting than in Delia Smith’s hamburgers.  A brace of fours were retrieved from the shrubbery.

Going for the same recipe eventually brought his downfall, however. Stig picked out one of the few fielders who could catch. So the bustling McCaffrey joined the fray and he and Wood continued the bright start, each dishing up boundaries seemingly at will.

A change of bowling was called for. It was then that Captain Stig understood the opening request from King’s that we play 16 overs with a maximum of 5 per bowlers. What? This is not the way the Mallards do things. Evidently our opponents lacked quality in depth but possessed a couple of ringers. Well quality in depth is the hallmark of a Mallards team (well, quality of beer appreciation) but the only ringers are on our pensioners’ trikes. We held out for 18 overs and resolutely stuck to our principles of everyone getting a bat or bowl – 4 overs max for us.

McCaffrey perished first ball from incomer Black, and this despite early warnings from his partner at the non-striking end. For the next three overs, Black continued to subdue Wood and Gibbons and then the latter perished lbw going for a big swipe off Willet. The free flowing run-getting had stalled. Lucas came in and stuttered at first until Black finished his five overs then the pie chucking resumed and the Mallards returned to swinging the willow. Wood was caught for 11 trying to up the run chase and was replaced by Beakers who, together with Lucas who top scored with 20, saw the 18 overs out for a total of 76 for 4. Not the easiest score to defend.

Time for the Mallards to field. It started well, again. Cleaver and Browne bowled tightly, the ball was swinging and they got a wicket apiece: Singh playing-on and his replacement, Devlin, being caught. Lucas, meanwhile, distinguished himself at point, by stopping every ball that came his way. (Wood was not quite so distinguished – grabbing handfuls of turf rather than picking up the ball…) King’s were in trouble at this stage. Until, that is the penultimate ball from Cleaver which Malik hooped up into the air and into the brambles for a six. This drew blood from Cleaver whose arm was shredded in retrieving the ball and who would have gladly drawn blood from any further batsmen, had he been given a fifth over like the opposition. But that is not the way the Mallards do things.

Thus Watson and Thompson joined the attack. This is the way we play. Variety was the keynote of their assault: a number of wides occurred in the first over of each, but none wider than the Tyne estuary and Thompson was all the time clearly working on bamboozling his opponent since he clean-bowled the dangerous Malik in his second over. However, Van Zyl and Weston were now at the crease and they set about smiting the cherry. The shrubbery saw much action. Dunhill was added to the Mallards attack but despite removing Weston lbw, the damage was done. King’s reached 76 in the 16^th over and finished with a boundary off the next ball to total 80 and win the game. Oh well…with different rules and King’s giving all their fielders a game the outcome might have been different.

And so to the ‘beer garden’ at The Lodge. Not the prettiest of back yards but gravity saw us all happily seated, the beer flowed, as did the lively conversation. That is the way the Mallards do things.

Mallards midweek magic against Benwell & Walbottle had given the side their first victory of the campaign and a degree of optimism going into the fourth game of the season, a home tie at Riding Mill against Excelsior Batters.

Little had separated the sides over the past two seasons, both sides winning twice in the four games contested. Mallards were hoping to overturn a couple of early season defeats into a two game winning hot streak, something not achieved since those long and hazy summer nights of 2014.

The toss fell favourably into the hands of Captain Cox who elected to bat. Wisbach accompanied Cox as they took positions at their respective creases. Thompson stepped in to field for the visitors and ‘two tone’ Gareth Taylor took his place as umpire fresh and full of tales from his trip to the school of umpiring. Thankfully the opposition did consist of some bowlers to get the balls rolling.

Against some tough openers, it was time for Wisbach to batten down the hatches and he clearly thought it best to try and see out the entire innings. A single off his first 16 deliveries was a welcome return. Cox’s dirty work at the other end helped to gain those less than essential runs. Taylor keeping a close eye on the total, 15 after 5 overs.

Wisbach’s Boycottian style of dot balls, only ever so slightly risky singles and disregard for run rate, frustrated the bowlers and helped to boost enthusiasm from the sidelines. His defiance was eventually undone by a delivery from Ahmed, going for a grand total of 9. Mallards were 40 for 1 in the 10th over.

Wood eased into things with a cheeky four. His trademark leg sided glances along with some snap decision making helped to boost the run rate. Meanwhile there was a welcome token visit from Peter Nitsch, his pooch and other village people looking for a slice of the action at a packed out Riding Mill. A flurry of singles and boundaries saw Cox retire for 30 not out (including 5 boundaries in total), allowing Gibbons to take to the field. A quiet start consisting of knicks and helmet malfunctioning soon blossomed into criminal damage. A pie chucked down the leg side was despatched for 6 into the car park and onto a land rover bonnet.

Wood’s twinkle toes and agility between the wicket was working wonders until Riding Mill’s ever present microclimate seemed to be his downfall. A sneaky second looked comfortable.  A fielder threw in close to the wickets and a sudden gust of wind seemed to knock off a bail. Dunhill’s eagle eye assured us all the ball had indeed knocked off the bail. He performed his duties and Wood was given out for 26. Bateman took his place at the crease. Taylor’s decisive not out call from an acute angle behind the stumps for a run out later on would be the highlight of a first innings umpiring masterclass.

Unhappy not to have cracked any windscreens earlier, Gibbons’ second pie in the sky was destined for Bateman’s wheels. Much to his relief it was deflected to safety by the trees.  A stern word at the end of the over deterred Gibbons from further felony and he would retire on 20 not out.

Bateman hit two further boundaries in quick succession, but a direct hit to the goolies seemed to take the wind from his sails. The final over of the innings being less fruitful for our resident Kiwi, but nevertheless capping a fine 13 not out to finish. Mallards had reached a rather splendid 128 for 2 off 20 with 88 runs from the last 10 overs.

A quick Tina turn a round and the Mallards were set up in an aggressive stance on the field. Andy Dunhill opened the bowling from the Tree end. Despite jibes of a four and three from their opener Krishnan, a fine delivery edged through to Beacock was held and elated the field. Yet Gareth Taylor’s digit was nowhere to be seen. Presumably it was in his pocket as he was at square leg. His fellow umpire couldn’t be persuaded by the swoons of the Mallards, writhing with the knowledge a catch does indeed equal a wicket. It was not given though and The Mallards would have to crack on regardless. Beacock, in particular, would have cause for regret. Yet there would be even greater bewilderment from the apparently qualified umpiring that would follow.

At the other end Watson helped to steady the ship with a couple of tight overs. A swinging delivery was nicked but evaded Beacock’s big hands this time. The Excelsior batters were looking lively and matching the 6.45 per over run rate required for victory.  Yet Dunhill help to stem the flow of the batsmen with his last two overs and would finish with figures of 22 for 0 off 4 overs. Very decent.

McGuiness stepped up knowing wickets would be essential. There was to be no doubt for McGuiness’ first – spooned high into the field and caught by Gibbons at long on. But he knew it wasn’t going to be this easy. The Excelsior Batters were piling on the pressure and hoping to teach a lesson outside of the classrooms they normally inhabit.

The Mallards also had to contend with GT’s second innings transformation. From a slick ball counting secretarial vegetarian, his new experiential umpiring wisdom raised him to a Zen like state of connection with Mr Extras.  Together they redefined the concept of a no ball and would no longer abide by the laws of cricket or logic. The corridor of uncertainty became the only safe haven to the bowlers as anything pitched outside of this was given as a wide.  Both no balls and wides would flow like wine. The Mallards were confused but happy enough that Taylor looked tranquil signalling at a level of higher consciousness throughout the second innings.

Despite this, Bateman took over from the ever reliable ‘Doctor’ Watson (0 -14 off 4) and bowled Bodley early doors for 9, the Batters now requiring 80 odd from the 10 overs remaining.

McGuiness found his mojo in his decisive third over, taking out Birell and Jobling with a couple of peaches. The Mallards were cooking on gas. Oodles of dot balls from Bateman and the wicket of Mr Spencer would help to quash the Excelsior charge. Bateman would finish with a remarkable of 3 for 2 off four overs.

Alex ‘Jeffro’ Thompson’s deceptive ‘you think it’s a wide then it’s a wicket’ approach almost paid off when another edge through to Beacock was dropped. He was then agonisingly close to catching a second edge through from Thompson- it would seem the slippery mitts were letting down the normally safest of hands – forcing him to wear the gimp mask as punishment (see above) seemed a trifle harsh. Thompson would finish with 0 for 26 off 4, but deserved better, though Moran’s eager fielding had undoubtedly helped to curb the running total.

In his final over, McGuiness added another lamb to the slaughter with his fourth wicket, Tiffin the sacrifice. Again clean bowled, again McGuiness. Again the temperature rising.  He finished with 4 for 24 off 4. Bateman burnt down the house with his final wicket, finishing off Excelsior for 102 for 6 off 20. Mallards registering a second successive victory by 26 runs. Friday Night fever was upon us.

Excelsior, gracious in defeat, chipped in for the pitch costs and whipped out a bin bag full of a range of sandwiches. Corned beef, ham and tomato and cheese and onion were all there to choose from.

Post match boozing at the Welly helped to cool things down and the chat consisted of which sandals and factor suncream to pack in the bags for a trip to the beach on Tuesday. The Mallards would face Kings School Old Boys at Priors Park in Tynemouth.

Two seasons ago the Mallards played in freezing conditions at Walbottle Campus, fielding as the hailstones rattled around the outfield. Having endured similar conditions at home to Nitsch’s Black Book XI just last week there were some suggestions that the team should change its name, with the Arctic Monkeys topping the poll.

Fortunately, as the teams gathered at Walbottle last night it was clear that the weather gods had decided to give them a break this week – there was even a sighting of a strange yellow ball in the sky which drew much comment and the occasional silent prayer of allegiance. Plans to sacrifice a lamb from a nearby field were only halted by the intervention of a large, rosy-cheeked farmer – no, wait, that was captain Butcher turning up slightly late, citing some arcane notion of work commitments. In his absence a hastily arranged committee had nominated Fixtures Secretary McGuinness as the most senior man present and he duly won the toss and elected to bat.

Nitsch (he of the Black Book) and returning legend Musset opened the batting and the latter underlined his youthful promise with two firmly driven fours in the first over. Sadly his senior partner could not match such endeavour – or cope with the very low bounce – and quickly succumbed to the sharpish Henton, clean bowled for 2.  Skipper Butcher (perhaps with work commitments still distracting him) succumbed in identical fashion shortly after for a solid 0.

Wood joined young Musset and things settled down as the former leant on his bat and watched his partner carve the ball around beautifully before being forcibly retired on 33 not out in the eight over with the score on 42-2. Buckley joined Wood and the score continued to mount despite both batsmen having some difficulty with the Taylor-esque bowling of Draper whose rag-bag collection of SGW caused much frustration, Buckley eventually holing out to a fine catch at a long leg for 7 with the score on 62-3 in the 11^th over. McCaffrey joined Wood and the pair stepped up the scoring before Wood finally succumbed to the devilish Draper, playing on for 17 as Mallards reached a solid base of 77-4 in the 13^th over.

Beacock joined MCaffrey but didn’t last long, bowled by Bateman for 3, which brought McGuinness to the crease. No doubt inspired by his brief cameo as captain, the latter blazed away from the off, finding the enormous leg-side boundary to get off the mark as McCaffrey dropped anchor at the other end. The pair added 24 in the next four overs before McCaffrey was bowled for 10 by the home side’s new youth prospect Dunhill. McGuinness was next to fall victim to the home-grown assassin, bowled for a rapid 21.

Dunhill then cemented his early bid for the Friendly Fire trophy by removing Watson in similar fashion for 2 as Mallards ended their 20 overs on a respectable 114-8, Thompson and Haylock both unbeaten on 1 apiece.

Mallards took to the field in chirpy mood, the usual ageing crew perhaps spurred by the youthful exuberance of Musset and Thompson. Such wild optimism reaped early reward when McGuinness, still revelling in praise of his batting, took a very sharp catch off his own bowling to dismiss the clearly gobsmacked Henton for 1.  Not standing on ceremony he followed this up in his second over, clean bowling Singh for 4 to reduce B and W to 18-2 from 4 overs.  But he wasn’t finished there. In his third over he lured youngster Abbas out of his crease and saw keeper Beacock sharply throw down the stumps from some distance back for a third wicket.

Watson, who had bowled very well at the other end for little reward then joined the party in his final over, producing a beauty to clean bowl new batsman Robbie for a duck. As the opening bowlers finished their spells, Mallards were starting to feel a sense of optimism having reduced the home side to 25-4 in 7 overs, Watson finishing with 1-16 and McGuinness an excellent 3-8.

New bowlers Musset and Haylock temporarily deflated that optimism, leaking 21 runs from the next two overs. However, both bowlers reacted well, changing their approach from then on: Musset reverted to spin from medium fast and Haylock stopped bowling pies. The brakes were firmly applied with just seven runs from the next five overs, the bowlers ably supported by the sharpest fielding performance in some time with many fine stops and returns pinning the batsmen down.

Musset finished his three-over spell for just five runs as an inspired bowling change from skipper Butcher saw Thompson take a wicket in his first over (his maiden wicket for Mallards!) bowling Banman for 0 to reduce the home team to 53-5 from 14 overs, needing 62 from the last six for victory.

Haylock then finished his spell, a fine 0-18 from four overs, his figures slightly marred by a six from his last ball from new batsman Hassan, who had replaced the retired opener Bell. Hassan now looked the only danger to Mallards victory hopes as he repeated the stroke from new bowler Nitsch clearing skipper Butcher by inches on the midwicket boundary.

Mallards were in no mood to let him deny them a first victory of the season though and Thompson and Nitsch maintained a solid off-stump line, backed up by more fine outfielding to keep the home team in their place, Hassan eventually being bowled by Thompson for 17, the bowler finishing with 2-19 from his four overs. Nitsch (0-8) finished the job, conceding just two singles from the final over as the away side ended their reply on 90-6, a Mallards victory by 24 runs.

There’s nothing like a gentle knockabout to get the season started – and this was nothing like a gentle knockabout to get the season started.

Opening opposition Seaton Burn took the opportunity to give several first-teamers a run-out while Mallards took the opportunity to give all their bowlers a game. Stand-in skipper Wood (all the elected hierarchy having clearly heard rumours of strong opposition) won the toss and chose to bowl to try and avoid a very early finish – an 18-over game was agreed to make sure the game didn’t finish in the dark.

A lop-sided Mallards team took to the field after playing a quick game of spot the batsman – the late withdrawal of the mighty Kent exacerbating a bowler-heavy problem.

Veterans Cleaver and Dunhill opened the bowling and both started well, just eight runs coming from the first couple of overs. Cleaver, in particular, was desperately unlucky not to get some early wickets, beating the bat several times and inducing a collection of top edges, all of which fell into gaps. After five overs, with the batting team having reached 33-0 they were replaced by Browne and Watson with the opening batsman well settled and the score continuing to mount. Five overs later it had reached 72-0 with both openers retired on 30. Haylock and McGuiness were the next two bowlers to step up and they both started well, Haylock bowling very neatly and McGuiness finally making a breakthrough with his first ball, bowling Garfield for 1.

Unfortunately, new batsman Fenwick was now finding his feet and the score continued to rise as the opposition reached 98-1 from 14 overs. Bowlers seven and eight, Wisbach and Nitsch came on to try their luck but there was none to be had as Seaton Burn finished on a hefty 136-1 from 18 overs. There’s little that can be said about the typically rusty early-season fielding – maybe try using hands next time out chaps – but special mention should be made of Wisbach and Haylock who have both clearly spent the winter perfecting their slow dive technique. Fine work, gentlemen.

Nitsch and McCaffery failed to avoid the skipper’s eye and were sent out to open the batting. Hopes that Seaton Burn would be generous were misplaced as the opening bowlers marked off their lengthy run-ups – a prelude to some early season chin music as Nitsch, in particular, had to perfect his ducking and diving. Runs were immediately hard to come by, only two from the first two overs. A brief flurry saw Mallards rise to 9 in the third over but that was a false peak as both openers were to perish on that total, Nitsch caught and bowled for 6 by Marshall (2 overs, 1 for 0) and McCaffery bowled by Adair for 3.  Gibbons and Wisbach arrived at the crease in close order and both started well, Gibbons finding the boundary from Radjiv, one of two sharp spinners brought on to continue the onslaught. The new pair settled things down as the score crept along to 19-2 in the eighth over when Gibbons fell to a simple catch from Singh.

Wood joined Wisbach at the crease and the scoreboard finally began to creep upwards as the pair added 20 in the next four overs, Wisbach, in particular, looking in good form. Unfortunately, with the score on 45, Wood called a quick single and his partner was left stranded by a sharp piece of fielding, run out for a well-made 18. A suitably penitent skipper hung his head in shame, so distracted that he then smashed a four to the boundary and was bowled next ball for 11 to leave the home side on 49-5 from 16 overs.  A brief flurry from McGuiness amid some hilarious yes-no-yes-no running with Browne ended with the former being unsurprisingly run out for 6 which still left time for Dunhill to be undone by a slower ball for 0 in the final over, Mallards eventually finishing on 57-7 with Browne unbeaten on 1 and Watson not out 0.

A difficult game played on a very cold night did not deter an excellent 100 per cent pub turn out as the beaten but unbowed Mallards shared dark, though unconfirmed, tales of senior defections to the Corbridge Cuckoos which will obviously be referred to the disciplinary panel. Hopefully harsh beer fines will result to deter any future infringements.

P.S. WE’VE GOT SIGHT SCREENS! TWO OF THEM. REAL ONES. LIKE PROPER CRICKETERS!